Another thing I’d like to add is that the dry, “restrained”, irregular or even apathetic responding you get from me here is in general my way of interacting with others. It’s like I’m too lethargic or listless to even say coherent sentences when I talk

I guess it has some truth in it that I play a part in “not taking newness” in. I have difficulty in establishing relationships, or sometimes even be interested in going out. The stagnation is definitely internal too, and I do relate to the “too tired and bitter” (basically, internally exhausted) to make new things happen

Dear Anita

You got it right so far.

Dear Anita

I know it may sound like I just ignore where you point to but something I truly care about is to feel free to express how I think/feel about my life events and personal feelings about people and situations because I know them better than anyone else and wish that me expressing it or the nature of what may sadden me wouldn’t be taken by you as me being blind about “the true things that matter” .

I mean, I do like you to point where I may be blind or not objective enough, yeah, but I also wish that I could say my own about my parents and other events without just passing like I’m defending them cause I’m blind or delusional

I’m not 100% sure about the loyalty thing because at the end of the day, my mother tries to reach out many times for me to express myself and stuff, it’s me who reject it strongly. So I can’t just say she 100% neglects me because based on the daily straightforward experience from which I write what I write here, she doesn’tt. You know my life based on what I say, so I wish you could also trust me to say things as they are as much as you wish I could trust you in giving trustworthy advices.

how can we find a balancing point for both of our perspectives?

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by Gaia.

And btw I can safely say that speaking with you has been one of the few internet activities actually helpful or useful so I would never say that it has left “holes”

To use another analogy, I’m still like a newborn baby approaching life and the environment for the first time. My skin is very delicate, and so my eyes, my movements suck and my brain can’t process in depth or smoothly what happens around. Except that I’m not a toddler but a 21 years old

Dear Anita

Soon I’ll type here some unfiltered vents I’m writing on a personal journal

In the meantime I’ve found an interesting analogy to describe how I feel about myself, my life story and personal development: a plant, more specifically a climbing plant that keep going up and growing “randomly”, without stable supports or surfaces to lean on it naturally needs. Think of a climbing ivy, it needs to lean, twist and wind around something else, a stake, a gate, gratings, to keep growing and live. Well, I am that climbing ivy who gets bigger and longer but around my ground there’s nothing to lean on, I just keep growing “randomly”

Lately I’m not really hiding in fantasy, actually. I know one of my biggest issues is the fact that I zone out, I numb out and live in my little mind, I’ve tried to be more present and be aware of when I slip into numbing habits. I’ve noticed when difficult feelings arise and I’ve let them be, I’ve let boredom, anger, frustration express themselves without trying to distract myself. What I’ve gathered is that an entire life (and childhood especially) spent on electronic devices or neglected at doing my own thing without be helped aquiring usefully skills and social skills/experiences has left my brain really disorientated and confused, it has left me without a formed identity and sense of self.

My parents were both distant somehow and this left me neglected, or too self sufficient, I guess I experienced them both abandoning and intrusive (my mom in this case, as we’ve explained plenty)