Hi Anita

(Sorry for mistakenly reporting again btw)

How are you?

I’m sorry if it seems like I just dropped the thread, sometimes I feel like I need to be by myself and then come back when I actually have something meaningful to say or add. When we last talked about therapists and medications I felt like I reached a wall, a closed off road, I had nothing else to do for my own growth or nothing else to add on this thread, besides going in circles. I still feel the same but as I said, sometimes I need my quiet time to share later what I’ve done or thought about.

Also sometimes (or better, most of the time) I’m just disorganized like that. I randomly pull off from others and conversations, I go where my very fried brain push me, that most of the time is in complete intertia and lethargy.

Dear Anita

Tonight it hit me the awareness that trying to change or help my mind is useless or futile, only meds can do that. And that’s because it’s not what happens in my life that makes me so negative, it’s my own mind making me so negative and everything so shitty and unbearable. Yes I know you may say “that’s what we’ve been saying since forever, do you realize it now?” Before, I only knew it logically, now I know it.

I think I should just stop paying attention to my mind altogether. It’s damaged beyond my own power, and nope I don’t say it in a dramatic, self loathing way, but it truly is damaged, it’s like the metaphor you once used about a zone full of bombs ready to explode at every minute, it’s just beyond my control and will to change, after all, no one chooses to suffer

Whenever I have emotional reactions inappropriate for the situation, or crazy fantasies that leave me disturbed over and over again, or disturbing thoughts, that’s my mind.

Yes it’s true that no one ever has done 100% healing, that’s impossible. Stuff in life is always happening. By the way yeah it’s true, Donald Trump is a big obnoxious bully and the right wing politicians in Italy aren’t that different. Right wing oppressive mentality and politics enrage me deeply and activism (especially Feminism) is something that interests me, so much I joined a feminist group in my University.

I’m glad to hear that your social interactions are no longer a nightmare. I wonder what is like, to feel heard, valued, seen. To truly make solid relationships and friendships.

By the way today is a very sad day to me, 14th February. I’m working on accepting this negativity and telling myself that it’s a capitalistic day that puts anxiety and sadness and feelings of loneliness on many people and that what I’m feeling is influenced by what society dictates as normal and not, but it saddens me a lot to feel so alone today. I’m going in City to buy some good books if the weather is good.

Sometimes I definitely think I’m made to be in relationship, having a significant other and intimacy on many levels, so it’s not that I want a partner just to fit in, it goes deeper than that. What enrages me is that life seems to keep me stuck or deprived of it while for many others life is very generous. You know, sometimes I feel that the beautiful things of life like relationships, travelings, fun and passions skip me all the time and I’m only left with depression, anxiety, boredom or loss

I’m writing this keeping in mind of the very negative filter of my mind and of my feelings so I’m letting you know I’m also being objective of myself

dear Anita

It seems like we both were typing at the same time. I just received your last post about emotional disregulation so I’m going to read it and reply later on

No i don’t want you to have to repeat yourself, I just wanted to keep this (almost) daily thread going, yes it’s very nice to have a place to vent or have someone to express this venting or thoughts to but what I would like for you is just to add whatever you want to add or ponder whatever you want to ponder with me. If this thread has turned too burdening or heavy I can understand it, after all I am a stranger and you aren’t required to keep it going, I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing someone to reply to me or pay attention to me.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Gaia.

This evening I had dinner with my mother and generally it hits me how sad and hurting it is how much I’ve drifted away from her, our bond is so detached now but this applies to most of the people I was close to as well. Once (maybe it’s normal for very young people) I could define myself as someone very close friend or my mother child, my family’s member. I feel detached and undefined by my family and roots now. Maybe its part of growing up. Ever since this started happening it what hurted me most, the fact that I could no longer be guided by my parents advice or guidance if anxiety troubles me, or vent with friends. I am turned into something that needs to define herself by herself, that needs to be self reliant in her life troubles, it’s very sad.

I know you’ve expressed yourself plenty in lots of long posts so I don’t want it to seem like we should repeat ourselves on infinitum let me know if you feel or think it’s what happening now