I’m glad that my interactions with you got softer and more pleasant for you. Unfortunately my inner self is still extreme and harsh but I’m dedicated to have a different attitude towards it, let’s see where it will take me.

“there’s a bad link in my mind that only gets stronger with time

In my mind, social interactions is linked to bad feelings and unpleasant experiences, an association that gets harder to change or shake as time passes

Did you feel cringy when you gave your crush a kiss on the cheek?

Nope even if the situation itself was a bit uncomfortable

 Did you feel cringy when hugging and kissing other guys in the past?

In those cases, it wasn’t so much the cringiness of the physical act but what was around it, the interaction, as I said. This summer I kissed a guy I had a very light crush on as a teen but then I definitely tried to block this memory because nothing came out of it, our interactions didn’t deepen, the chemistry we may have felt as teen was pretty much disappeared, I just felt uncomfortable on how much unfitting we were for each other. I guess the unfitting part is what makes me cringe everytime. I remember seeing him flirt and play around with a friend of mine this summer, and thinking that that could be us if I was a little bit different, a bit like her, that doesn’t make interacting with someone a uncomfortable thing.

Do you feel cringy when you fantasize about physical contact with guys?

Nope, it feels good. I make up stories and characters around it. It gets cringey when I imagine people totally out of my league and I have to unavoidably clash with what I am really, that is inexperienced and unaccomplished as a person on so many levels, maybe pretty but nothing more, intelligent but not always and things like these. Otherwise it doesn’t feel bad

Do you feel cringy when you fantasize about “interactions as a whole” with people?

Yes. It’s really distressing. In the sense that I can feel my whole muscles tense up and that’s what I mean for physically painful. My body isn’t relaxed and loose but it’s like I shrink. I doesn’t always look bothered, it’s not that I can’t make the first step towards others or that I hide away when I see someone, it’s not that I look like a coward, you could say there’s nothing wrong but I truly only relax when I’m alone

– is fantasy a cringe-free zone?

Yes if I want it to be. In fantasy I can push away everytime that makes me uncomfortable of real life and real events and pretend they don’t exist

Who are the people who you are “really used to them”?

When I was a teen, it was a friend I was always with and always talked with. We’re no longer that close though. It could also be my most close relatives and other kinds of close friends. Or even someone who is naturally a friendly and talkative person that just wants to get along with everyone.

Yes i can relate, especially when it comes to physical touch or closeness. Sometimes I feel guilty about it, when my mom show genuine desire for physical closeness or show acts of care and sometimes I react in a annoyed, harsh way. It make me feel like shit afterwards. There’s especially 1 person I crave most physical contact with and is my crush, corny as it sounds

He’s just.. interesting, intriguing. For a long time we’ve shared similar interests and I always found him charismatic and intelligent, I remember thinking one day that he was the type of person whose opinion and consideration I’d care of. We stopped talking a long time ago cause he only liked me whenever the mood striked him but sometimes lately I’ve been deluding myself into thinking that he truly cares deep down even if he doesn’t.

Dear Anita

Yes I see the difference and I’ll definitely try to feel empathetic towards my patterns and my motivations for them existing. You definitely have me an insight today and I’m curious to see where it will lead me

Dear Anita

Some of the habits I’d like to change are: stop daydreaming and stalking my crush, splitting my hair, stop daydreaming over imaginary couples I made up when I was 9. I tried a lot of time to change, stop, mold, work over these habits and many others I’m not very comfortable saying now, but I often fail. These are the only things that give me joy or positive emotions on a daily basis, I find it physically painful or annoying to not indulge in them after a while, they’re better to deal with than reality

Dear Anita

Yes, we are alive today and may be dead tomorrow, just like you wrote. It makes me less afraid to really understand this. Let this reality encourage you to live with less fear.

For now I only feel fear but I hope this fear may turn into inspiration one day. I’m sick of fearing, suffering, grieving and raging, sick of obsessing, longing and not feeling nothing. I only welcome positive experiences and uplifting thoughts from now, I really deserve it

Dear Anita

These days my life has been rough again. Here another loss of relative, since my grandma passed two months ago. Now the one gone is my uncle. Ever since knowing about his death I’m reacting especially with physical anxiety more than tears, I feel nauseous and anxious.

I also heard about the sudden passing of a famous basket player and his 13 years old daughter, nothing that affects me personally but seeing how death stricks suddenly and unexpectedly these days has left me very anxious

I’m also getting a bit hypochondriac, generally my anxiety was always about existential stuff but lately I’ve been worrying about dying too. Sometimes I feel a stabbing pain in my chest, like last night, and I’m growing concerned that I may be having an heart attack (even though I’m only 21 years old) last night I couldn’t fall asleep because I feared I was having an heart attack and I would be passing in my sleep like my uncle. Today I also felt like my left arm is numb and this increases my fear that I will have a heart attack sooner or later

I’m sick of sudden new of relatives dying. I’ve seen important family figures passing away and I feel like the good part of my family has gone forever. Hope I won’t have to give you any bad news one day

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Gaia.