January 15, 2020 at 10:41 am #333621
Not anymore and what a relief that is! Sometimes still I feel the beginning of it, of blaming myself, I feel the beginning of thoughts that put me down, making fun of me.. I feel it like when you hear a vehicle approaching from a distance. I hear it approaching but then I don’t hear it anymore, it sort of disappears. Lots of practice leading to this.
I hated myself so much, in the past, that I didn’t feel that I cared whether I lived or died. My guilt at .. sort of exposing other people to the loathsome-me was intense, it burdened me so much that I was constantly heavy, burdened, like stuck in deep mud and not being able to move.
(Except when I was daydreaming, then I was able to fly in the air, like a bird).
anitaJanuary 15, 2020 at 11:13 am #333639
I hated myself so much, in the past, that I didn’t feel that I cared whether I lived or died.
Yep, that’s how I feel too. I remember you sharing once that what helped you was psychotherapy, can you share how is that your self loathing issue was treated in your psychotherapy, what kind of tools or perspective changed things for you?January 15, 2020 at 12:19 pm #333661
It wasn’t simple or quick and after two years of therapy I still hated myself, so I don’t have a simple or quick answer. So I’ll give you a part answer at this point: my therapist at the time, he acted professionally at all times, he wasn’t inappropriate. It is very important. Because otherwise nothing would have mattered (when the therapist has hidden agendas).
And then, the first session was long and free (that’s the policy, first free session). But because after following sessions he had the time, he gave me a whole lot more time than the customary 50 minutes time and time again. He was paid for a limited time session and yet he spent so much time with me.
And he answered me when I emailed him, no extra charge and he emailed me a homework assignment after each session and checked it in the next session. You could tell I was not in his mind only during the sessions, he was thinking about how best to proceed with me in- between the sessions. He invested time and effort with me that he didn’t have to invest. I suppose he thought I was worth so much of his time and efforts.
The tools are many, he copied handouts for me with lots of information, had me do exercises in the office (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT exercises), a whole lot of CBT material.
I just remembered that before I looked for therapy back in 2011 I got a book called “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies” which has many CBT exercises in it. Because of that book and the exercises there, when I looked for a therapist, I googled CBT therapist. And it happened that he was a CBT therapist.
I will be glad to share more. If you ask me specific questions about the therapy I had, I will be glad to answer.
January 15, 2020 at 12:30 pm #333667
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by anita.
I’d be interested in knowing more about how you felt in interacting with others, if you had social anxiety, if your interactions changed and improved after therapy (if you are comfortable answering, of course)January 15, 2020 at 12:36 pm #333671
When I used to interact with others I felt very uncomfortable, as if they know that I am inferior to them, as if they will be insulting me at any time, say demeaning things to me, humiliate me, on purpose, make me feel bad, and I felt a mixture of shame and anger, shame at being less-than them, less than anyone, and anger that it is so, that I am less-than (so I believed!) and that they know it, and making me feel this way (so I believed)!
anitaJanuary 15, 2020 at 12:52 pm #333677
Oh yes, the mixture of shame and anger I know well too. My own anger is about feeling either ignored or dismissed, since ever I always was subtly outcasted when it comes to groups and peers, it’s something I always noticed happening so I figured out others couldn’t be the issue but I was or am. This fueled my self loathing tooJanuary 15, 2020 at 12:58 pm #333681
When I answered you above, I didn’t think about school, but I clearly remember not being part of any cool group, being ignored. I have a memory of talking to a girl in high school and her turning her head to someone else, to others as if I didn’t say anything, as if I wasn’t there. Oh, yes, the rage, the intense anger, and yet, nothing- I said nothing, and it happened again and again, carrying all that anger but nowhere to express it, no one to tell, not even imagining anyone wanting to help me, anyone who could help me. The feeling was of complete isolation, meaning, being troubled and no one to help me, no such option.
anitaJanuary 15, 2020 at 1:54 pm #333707
Gosh I know this experience very well and its pure hell. Right now I’m alone at home and can’t shake the feelings I’m too boring or dull to spend time with, maybe I come off too absent minded, who knows. It makes me suicidal. How does one get out of this? Why some humans are given love and connection while others have to feel unworthy for it, why others have to work for it?January 15, 2020 at 2:46 pm #333713
I need to be away from the computer for a few hours. You are worthy of love and connection, Gaia. I am sure of it. Keep posting here and don’t give up, you will see, love and connection will be your experience!
anitaJanuary 15, 2020 at 4:33 pm #333733
Another thing, Gaia: you are not boring and you are not dull.
anitaJanuary 16, 2020 at 1:17 am #333813
Another thing, Gaia: you are not boring and you are not dull
I believe it when I’m by myself, and I have plenty of time and stimulation to put some music on,daydream and feeling like I’m beautiful, badass, everything on the book. The Gaia of my mind isn’t dull or boring it’s true, she is capable to turn life into art, she’s. Performer, she’s just good. But then, as I said, she only exists in my mind. The Gaia who has to actually live, and move, and interact and just exists as a real human being isn’t that much special or interesting. Yes it’s true my mind may hold some interesting stuff but there’s just no place for it in real life. That’s why I hate reality, I hate who I am in reality, because that’s the real me. Someone who has nothing or seems dull, sometimes I wonder if I’m ever made for this world. I know you don’t like me talking myself down but that’s how I feel. In my dreams things are epic, I am cool. In reality, things never change and I am silly, dumb, quirky, just can’t do or say something rightJanuary 16, 2020 at 9:21 am #333855
“The Gaia who has to actually live, and move, and interact and just exists as a real human being isn’t that much special or interesting”- not as special and interesting as “The Gaia of (your) mind”- nobody is as fantastic as in the fantasy of our minds. We can imagine everything, but we can’t be our fantasy in real life. I can imagine flying like a bird right now, but I can’t do it in real life because of real life gravity.
I fantasized and had many dreams where “things are epic”, epic things that never happened and never will (e.x., in my dreams I was a movie star, a famous dancer, a rich business owner, a powerful politician), but who I am in real life is not unworthy, just because my dreams didn’t come true.
Am I, in your mind, dull and not special, “silly, dumb, quirky, just can’t do or say something right” just because I am not epic, epic as in being a famous movie star?
anitaJanuary 17, 2020 at 12:55 pm #334053
Hope you’re doing well
When I daydream, I don’t always imagine to do epic stuff, sometimes I just imagine myself saying something funny, smart, seducing someone, making a good impression with a crush, dancing well, stuff like that. Sometimes I actually do these movements by myself and I am impressed by how good or energetic I can be. Then I go out and I either disappear or look weird, lol
By the way I spent another day mindlessly scrolling my phone and zoning out. I tried to put myself to study but I just couldn’t.January 17, 2020 at 1:31 pm #334057
I had many days like that, zoning out, except that when I was your age, there were no phones like there are today, there was a phone with a cord, it was on the wall or it sat on a table, nothing electronic. I used to look at it, and hope someone will call me. I used to look at that silent phone and want so badly that it will ring, for me, that my crush from high school (his name was Robert) will call me, endlessly waiting.
When we are waiting.. we sure have a lot of time to imagine doing better things than waiting.. making up for the boring with exciting imaginings.
anitaJanuary 27, 2020 at 12:27 pm #335378
These days my life has been rough again. Here another loss of relative, since my grandma passed two months ago. Now the one gone is my uncle. Ever since knowing about his death I’m reacting especially with physical anxiety more than tears, I feel nauseous and anxious.
I also heard about the sudden passing of a famous basket player and his 13 years old daughter, nothing that affects me personally but seeing how death stricks suddenly and unexpectedly these days has left me very anxious
I’m also getting a bit hypochondriac, generally my anxiety was always about existential stuff but lately I’ve been worrying about dying too. Sometimes I feel a stabbing pain in my chest, like last night, and I’m growing concerned that I may be having an heart attack (even though I’m only 21 years old) last night I couldn’t fall asleep because I feared I was having an heart attack and I would be passing in my sleep like my uncle. Today I also felt like my left arm is numb and this increases my fear that I will have a heart attack sooner or later
I’m sick of sudden new of relatives dying. I’ve seen important family figures passing away and I feel like the good part of my family has gone forever. Hope I won’t have to give you any bad news one day
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by Gaia.