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DanielParticipantDear anita,
I feel I should write a letter to my father. Write everything I never had the courage to tell him. And maybe send it to him. Maybe with my coordinates if he wants to answer me.
I really think that it could help me.
Tomorrow, I’m having a talk with my mom about my childhood and what she remembers from it.
Daniel
DanielParticipantDear anita,
I don’t remember being angry as a child, unfortunately.
When I write “things that could have brought me joy”, I think about learning how to face the world on my own, making my own decisions, going out at night and growing in self confidence in the process.
Daniel
DanielParticipantDear anita,
Concerning my mom and my childhood in general, I have some issues remembering stuff. I may have repressed memories that my mind wants to keep away from me, I don’t really know.
When I began living with my mom, everything revolved around surviving. She flew with me from my father’s house and we had nowhere to go. So for a few years, we traveled from place to place in order to eventually find a place to stay. I must have been 6 when we found that place.
My mom has been overprotective during my childhood. She wanted to protect me from anything that could hurt me (and in the process she might have protected me from things that could have brought me joy as well). To me, it was her way to love and she did the best she could. I had to see my father every once in a while because that’s how the law works in France. But still, my mom did her best going to the tribunal for several years so that I could stop seeing my father. And she eventually succeeded when I was 13.
When I was 16, I think she did not want to see how depressed I was. She didn’t want to believe it because it would mean to her that she didn’t do a good job as a mom, I think. Maybe she disappointed me back then. I knew I was struggling with depression but I thought that I could handle it on my own. Even these days, she sometimes talks about it in a way that seems to tell that everyone is depressed and that no one’s life is perfect. But that doesn’t help me feel better.
Daniel
DanielParticipantDear anita,
Here are some thoughts about what you wrote earlier :
Once again, I think that the feelings I have today have something to do with my relationship with my father. As you wrote, I don’t want to be like him and because of this I may have trouble seeing that I am in fact a bit like him. I know that I can act in an angry way sometimes. And I don’t know why. Sometimes I yell at my mom and I don’t know why. I’m still very afraid of the idea to see my father again.
I may be frustrated to see that life is not like I wanted it to be. That even now, as a 23 year old man, I still struggle almost everyday with sadness, anxiety, fear and anger.
Concerning my relationships, I am almost always disappointed by others. Maybe I expect too much from them. That’s why I tend to think that I should rely on no one but myself. And I know how insane it is. As a doctor, I know that I will have to count on others to do my best for my patients.
I have an issue when it comes to what people around me feel about me. I feel close to no one and feel like no one among my friends really care about me (even when they tell me they do). It’s hard to be 23 and to tell myself that I have never truly been in a relationship. It breaks my self esteem even more and I tell myself once again that something must be wrong with me.
I know that I have a part of me that wants me to fail. Self loathing. If I don’t feel things are the way I planned with a girl, I prefer to stop the relationship. I think that I expect too much and feel disappointed again. I may look for something that does not exist.
I don’t agree that people want to help sad people. I think they run from them because facing them means facing their own sadness and insecurities.
By the way, I eventually move to my own flat in two weeks. I’m very excited about it even though it means having more responsibilities.
Last time I wrote to Y was Monday evening. It was hard not sending her any messages but I somehow succeeded. I still don’t know if we’re still going to see each other and if so, when it will be.
Daniel
DanielParticipantDear anita,
I think it will be 1 to 1 (hopefully).
Have a nice day ! (and thank you again for being here)
Daniel
DanielParticipantDear anita,
I’ll do what you wrote and come back later.
By the way, Y and I are going to see each other next week “as friends”. I don’t know how it will be but hopefully we’ll be able to talk about everything in a lighthearted way.
Daniel
DanielParticipantDear anita,
I want to thank you for the time you spent writing that message and trying to get the big picture from everything I wrote.
I think you have a point about anger. It feels puzzling because I had never thought about that before. But I can tell that yesterday, after receiving her friendzone message, I was sad AND angry. I was crying and couldn’t stay in one place. I even punched some doors and cushions out of anger.
About the origins of my anger : I think it may come from telling myself that I keep failing in having a love life, that I cannot get what others have (I’m not talking about material things), that I can’t seem to get out of depression, that nothing really changes. I know that I am very hard on myself and that I should be patient but I just can’t.
Daniel
DanielParticipantDear anita,
It wasn’t Y’s first sexual experience and it wasn’t my first either.
I don’t understand her. In the last message she wrote, she says that the night we had sex is not a problem. She says that after some thinking, she realizes that she does not want to be in a relationship with anybody right now and seeing her again won’t change anything. She wants to “enjoy life” before finding someone. Maybe she wanted something light/not serious with me from the beginning. I feel that I should give up on her.
Daniel
DanielParticipantDear anita,
Well, it’s very hard to try and understand what is in Y’s mind. I think she does not understand either. She wrote that she does not feel ready for a relationship (she has never been in one), that she doesn’t feel right about all of that and that she needs the “freedom” brought by being single. That she does not want me to have some false hopes about the future of this relationship.
She wrote that she would really like to keep seeing me with her group of friends, talking with me even though it would be as friends and nothing more. She wrote that the choice is mine, depending on what I want with her and depending on the way I would face seeing her again.
Here’s what I think : I think she’s afraid of being in a relationship. This is something new for her and she may be afraid to get out of her confort zone. She seems indeed unstable : one week ago, she told me that we would wait until she comes back and take it easy. So I’m asking : what happened in one week so that she changed her mind? I really don’t know.
Yet, things don’t really change for me. I still want to spend time with her and get to know her better. And maybe help her know herself better in the process. She seems to be very busy, I know she’s with her friends and I think that she does not take some time to think about herself.
It’s strange you know. In the beginning she seemed to be so interested in me. She was the one asking to see me and she was the one who sent me signals so that I would eventually kiss her.
Daniel
DanielParticipantDear anita,
No, I don’t know what she meant by that and maybe will never know.
Daniel
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This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by
Daniel.
DanielParticipantDear anita,
Here are some news :
I didn’t get to see Y the day we were supposed to meet. She told me that things are going too fast for her and that she needs more time before we see each other. I am supposed to see her when she comes back (on the 20th August).
Sadly, things didn’t go as expected. We were supposed to call each other today and she sent me a message telling me that she does not feel ready for a relationship, that she is too “unstable”, that she loves talking to me, that she’d like to stay friends with me.
I was and am still in shock. I really didn’t expect this. I feel devastated and once again, there seems to be some kind of curse around my love life. I can’t stand it anymore, I want this to end. I still can’t completely believe what she wrote to me. I cried a lot and still do, I feel angry as well. I can’t help but blaming myself. “What have I done wrong? What’s wrong with me?, Why do things keep happening that way?” I feel that Love is a major waste of time, energy and meaning in life but I know it is not. I’m alone at home and there’s no one I could see. She keeps taking too much time answering my messages and just told me that she’s out for eating this evening and that she will answer me later…lol
I think she may be afraid of commitment because she’s never been in a relationship. But to me, being afraid is the opposite of loving.
I feel a bit dazed.
Daniel
DanielParticipantDear anita,
I didn’t write the post you seem to be refering to; the last I wrote is from June 27th.
By the way, I hope you’re fine.
I have two bigs news :
First, I eventually went to see a psychotherapist ! After all this time, I did it ! I have had two appointements for now and he seems fine. I don’t know if keeping on seeing him will eventually help me but at least I’m trying my best.
Second, I met a new girl. After a gig with my band, I walked towards a group of young people. One of them was struggling with his guitar and I offered my help. After a couple of minutes, I decided to spend the rest of the evening with his group of friends. Among them was a girl, let’s call her Y. I had a sweet evening and night with them. A week later, the guy with the guitar invited me to a party with his group of friends (including Y). I was a bit anxious but I eventually chose to go and met the group again. Y was there. I spend a nice time again with them. When it was time to leave, I left with Y. We talked for a few minutes on the way to the sub. Then we said goodbye and went our own way back home. At this moment, I wanted to send her a message to see her someday but only the two of us. As I was thinking about this, I got a message. From her ! She proposed me to see me again someday but only the two of us. Exactly what I was thinking at the moment ! A few days later, I saw her again. We ended up in a park and after maybe 2 hours sitting next to her, I eventually kissed her. I felt that it was meant to happen. And afterwards, she told me that she has been wondering if I would eventually kiss her haha (she has been waiting for me to do it). A few days later, I saw her again with the group. It was nice again being with them. Y and I ended up going to her flat. We had sex and it was a smooth and nice moment for the both of us. In the morning, we kissed goodbye knowing that the next time we see each other again is in a month due to our respective holidays. It may be for the best actually. I think about her every day but it’s different this time. I’m not crazy about her like I used to with other girls. It’s a feeling much more serene as though a part of my ego was gone. Maybe this time, I have a chance to create love for someone and to give it to her and to accept love from her. I’m not sure. I will let time do its thing.
Daniel
DanielParticipantWelcome Ralphy !
I don’t think she might have liked me in a romantic way. It was more like the beginning of a friendship. For once, I don’t think it was a timing issue : taking too long to do anything or rushing things like I used.
Thinking back, the main issue for me to get in a relationship with D was probably that I didn’t give her “signals” that would tell her what I wanted. Like casually touching her shoulder while having a laugh with her. I was being friendly because I know how to act friendly but I still have things to learn when it comes to flirting.
Daniel
DanielParticipantDear anita,
I think I get your point. I need people but I need the good ones. I realized that there are some people around me who seem to be able to listen to me and to act as what I could call a friend. I feel a bit less lonely as a consequence. And I’ve been thinking about some people who don’t seem to care at all. Sometimes I would hesitate to send them a message but stop while realizing that it’s not worth the hassle. I’ve been thinking about a friend of mine who barely talks to me these weeks and it hurts a bit actually. I downloaded some meeting apps once again a few weeks ago. This time, I don’t really care about meeting someone or not and I don’t take things at heart like I used to do (for instance, when someone I started liking suddenly stopped responding my texts). I’ve been meeting a few girls and even though I don’t have romantic feelings for them it is fun to meet people ! One of them could end up as being a friend of mine, who knows?
I’ve started looking for a psychotherapist but I don’t know how. How can I choose among all of them? Should I see a male or a female? I don’t know
Studies stress me a lot these last weeks. It’s hard to keep studying when librairies are closed and there is so much I have to learn… it’s overwhelming sometimes.
Thank you again anita for being here for me (and for us).
Daniel
DanielParticipantDear anita,
I know you’re right but I have an issue when it comes to taking care of myself and it includes making an appointment with a psychotherapist. It feels like an endless loop. Right now, I feel trapped in my life. I’d like to go out and meet people but I can’t, I’m scared. The more time flies, the more I feel people run away from me.
I wish I knew where to meet those socially isolated people and talk about their feelings and mine. It makes me think of Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles : “all the lonely people, where do they all belong? ”
Daniel
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This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by
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