I do that to. I say usually say ” I am not my emotions, I am not my feelings and I am not my mind”. It doesn’t work for me. But then when the wave is gone and I feel a bit calm, I see that clearly, that I am not feeling the same way as I was before.

Cath,

I live in a small town where there’s no place left for me to go. Every site/ place reminds me of her. To make things more hard she works in a different building at same workplace, there’s constant fear of seeing her and feeling shit throughout the day.

Yesterday, she wrote an email to me asking for my signature for rental bond. And I was back to square one, riding to emotional roller coaster ride. Went to volleyball which stopped ( as usual numbing pain won’t help) feeling bad but as soon as returned home, off to another ride. Then, so many dreams in night. And I am back to okay this morning.

To be with what is, so hard to do. Even though, I know intellectually it is the only thing I can do in this situation. Emotionally I am still falling flat. I don’t think I will come out unscathed from this.

Hi Rickmangler,

Sorry, to reply so late, I am in different part of the word.

I feel your pain brother, you remind me of myself, what I was like in Dec- Jan ( 2016).I was in a similar situation. I am going to be very honest and tell you the truth. Gut feelings are always right. Mine was and I continued to ignored it for a long time, because she said some assuring words to me and I believed, even though my gut feelings were flashing red lights inside me.

I know what it feels like when you are doing everything you can and still seeing the person you loved most slowly moving away from you, oh yeah, I know it very well. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t enjoy things that I usually enjoy.It is the worst feeling in this world and it makes you feel that you are dying.

What I want you to understand first, is that you aren’t losing her to him ( whether it is actually happening or not). She has chosen or thinking to go a different path from yours. I am sorry to say but that’s what happened to me.

Now, how to deal with this. First, you have to learn to stop blaming yourself for this ( very hard thing to do, again takes some time). Brother,the way you wrote about her, I can clearly see that you really love her and will do anything for her. But the truth is people, situations and this world continues to change, whether we like it or not. There’s gain and loss, pleasure and pain. I am going through huge grief, sadness, loneliness, anger and loss after loving 2.5 years of my life.

Secondly, yes it feels like dying. But you have to stand up and face your sorrows, pain and sadness, for yourself and for your kids as well. And that means you have to accept the situation and be ready to let go. It take huge courage to do that, and we all have that courage in us. To learn this, how to deal with difficult emotions, read books in Buddhist psychology ( when everything falls apart and 10% happier, to start with). Remember, you can’t run from this pain, you have no choice, no one in this world has choice and this Buddhist psychology knowledge won’t alleviate your pain, they will mitigate it. The only way out is through. I cry every morning and night, sometimes during the day. My pain hasn’t gone at all but I understand my difficult emotions alot better now.

Thirdly, work on acceptance and let go. Again, something very difficult to do when someone hurt you or there is betrayal. This will come with time.

For now, you need to work out your living arrangements with her and prepare yourself for this journey. I am with you and so as many people going through the same situation, do not feel you are in this by yourself. You can go through this, you can. We all are going through this.

Make new friends but signing up for new activties, I know , the last thing you want to do in this world but you have to start somewhere.

Thanks for your reply Cath.

The smaller things or big moments with her, everything hurts. My memories of travelling with her and my family are the worst.

She abandoned me but still continue to be in my life as co worker. Although, I don’t see her regularly but when I do, its like salt rubbing on a wound. It’s like ‘here is the girl who said those things to me and I started to care for her and then she walked all over me.

Another big problem is “If I should have done this or that better” thoughts. The fact is I did everything possible I could and I can’t control others but still my minds wants to torment me.

Sometimes it is slightly easier to sit with pain, sometimes I fall flat.

Dear Anita,

I am thankful to your exercise and understanding attitude. It gave me a soothing feeling in the end.

You have such a good understanding about relationships. How did you develop this wisdom?

I totally agree to what you’ve said that the concept of ignoring yourself, your gut feelings, your wants, needs and values so to be in a relationship is flawed. I actually vowed that I will not put my self esteem in jeopardy again by ignoring my wants and my needs so to be in a relationship. I also promised that I continue to stand up for myself and will take full responsibility for my well being.

3 is a symbolic representation of ‘e’ used in e-language.

Brav3

Okay , I will break it up.

Alison, in this 2.5 years relationship, I loved you and adored you unconditionally. I did my best with little and big things to make you happy. I learnt to dive to make you happy. I opened myself to you and loved you truly. I ignored myself, my needs and my wants and put you first. I ignored my gut feeling and my values so that I could be with you forever, which I did wrong.

But I can’t do this anymore, I can’t accept the fact that you don’t understand what is committed relationship. It is very wrong that you flirt with other guys and made me believe that I was being with insecure. I also know that you were being secretive about someone and I can’t stay in this relationship with you. You are a self absorbed and selfish person with no goals in life to achieve. I definitely, find it very wrong about you that you think its okay for people to cheat. You really don’t understand what relationship is because you said many times to me that it just has to work. You are a person with poor integrity and I don’t want to be with woman like you. You do not deserve my love and you don’t deserve me.

I don’t want you in my life now. I do not want to have any type of relationship with you in future as well. I leave you now, will never return. Please, do not contact me ever again.

Anita

Not sure if its helping but I am feeling emotional.