March 21, 2016 at 10:09 pm #99789
Thanks for the encouraging word. It must be rough for you as well.
My ex used to say to me that I am being insecure and then she would flirt with other guys with every opportunity she got. I valued her opinion and started questioning myself. I never was jealous and insecure person in my previous relationship ever and she convinced me that I was being insecure. Again, some people really have that ability. I saw the red flags and still believed her, fought myself for weeks, thought there was something wrong with me.
Its amazing how one get blinded with love. I do not think it is really that valuable anymore. After reading people’s stories here, I do not think relationships are important anymore.
If people are ready to walk away from their relationship and I am talking about 20 yrs of marriage and all etc etc to chase that spark or temptation, then its not smart to be like me and believe in love and commitment.
I think I am done with the whole relationship thing. Now, I wonder if some new person comes in my life and says to me that they love me and want to be with me, what will I believe?March 22, 2016 at 9:06 am #99815
Thank you for explaining RAIN: I am familiar with the concepts. Non identification with thoughts or emotions, at this point in my five years experience with Mindfulness (RAIN = four principles of it), is that we, in healing, recognize the place (in our brains) where we just observe thoughts and feelings. That is we go to a place in our brains where we are at a distance from what we feel. Only at a distance, we can observe. Too close and we are identified, that is, swept in the storms of our emotions.
Regarding your emotional charged situations: you see the ex (shame you have to in that she is a co worker!), and the sight of her(or the voice of her if you hear her first) triggers those emotions that you’d rather not feel. The sight of her is connected in your brain to the emotions left in you as a result of the relationship you had with her. Not much different than if you were painfully stung by a bee and afterwards, whenever you see a bee you feel fear, as the memory of the pain is triggered.
Of course, first solution that comes to mind is to not be around bees (or your ex) but you work with her. If there was a way to not be in her physical presence, that would be helpful. Not that it would make the pain go away. Other sights will trigger it (ex. a love scene in a movie).
There is a way to soften the blow of the trigger when you see her, using the RA of the above, and then doing something else. Wonder what that would be. Ideas?
As to your very last post, I would like to communicate with you more about your loss of faith in a loving relationship.
* Dear AzaleaErie: I read your post above and enjoyed your writing. You wrote that jealousy is an “ugly emotion”. I would very much like to discuss jealousy with you, not on this thread. If you are interested, please start a new thread on the topic.
anitaMarch 22, 2016 at 3:19 pm #99848
There are soooooo many triggers around me. From my workplace to the shopping centres, vegetable market, coffee shops etc. I am struggling with all of them. Sometimes I am not able to do RAIN at all. I get so overwhelmed by emotions/feelings and the aversion mechanism kicks in.
I have always consider myself as a good person who believed in doing the right thing and now I wonder what I did so wrong to deserve this. In my previous breakups, I was okay but not as bad as this. It really hurts and made me question about my believes about loving relationship and integrity of people.
If the whole world is filled with such people who are unfair and have poor integrity, if relationships is all about chasing that initial sparks, if people have no guilt or conscience after behaving poorly then why should I stay the same? I am the one who’s suffering, who couldn’t go to work for weeks, who is seeing counselor, who is whining about life on this forum whereas she is just plain simply cruising. My emotional investment and authenticity to that failed relationship is somewhat the cause of suffering.
I am finding my values to be incompatible with this world. They make me vulnerable, they will make me hurt again and again.
Brav3March 22, 2016 at 4:37 pm #99850
It is evident in your last post that you need to make a change in your thinking and believing about you and the world. I know this because you wrote that you are now “incompatible with this world”- your values, that is your beliefs about what should be is not compatible with what is.
If being fair, behaving with integrity, being committed to another and being the decent man that you have been is bringing you suffering, why be all those things?
I would ask this question with an addition, an editing:
If being fair, behaving with integrity, being committed to another and being the decent man that you have been with a woman who is unfair, lacking integrity and not committed is bringing you suffering, why be all those things with a woman like that?
See the difference?
So instead of turning your back on being a fair man, a man of integrity and so forth, make a different change: be those things with a woman who values the same as you do, a woman worthy of you.
Simply learn who the woman is before you get deep into a relationship with her. Spend the time needed to get to know her first. That will be time well spent. What do you think?
anitaMarch 22, 2016 at 5:09 pm #99851
Yes, and that’s what I thought of her or led to believe, a woman with integrity, honest and committed person before I signed up for the relationship. Then she slowly shifted to something else, very subtle. And I didn’t notice or I did but chose to ignore because I was in….love. Sometimes I feel I brought this all upon myself. Maybe I don’t understand people ( women in particular) very well. And if I don’t, how would I know that next time I won’t be wrong again?March 22, 2016 at 7:51 pm #99872
You wrote that
* You were “led to believe,” Why was she doing the leading? Better you lead what you believe.
* “I didn’t notice…” Better you notice, pay attention.
* “Chose to ignore”- Better not ignore. What you ignore will come back to bite you in the…
* “I was in…love”- better once in a while get out from being in it, stand to the side of it and look at it from there.
* “Maybe I don’t understand people”- Understanding people is not a possession that you have or not. It is something you learn through effort and skill, and time, curiosity and … being open to different possibilities.
How will you know next time? By noticing, not ignoring, stepping aside and learning.
Start these things now, where you are and everywhere you go: notice and learn who people are. A romantic relationship has everything to do with who the two people in it are.
anitaMarch 22, 2016 at 11:57 pm #99883
I am not denying that I brought this upon myself by not taking the self responsibility. I have been reflecting upon this and yes there were times where I should have said something but I didn’t. I should have put more effort in understanding people rather than jumping in.
I want to forgive myself for this which I am struggling with as well.
Brav3March 23, 2016 at 9:25 am #99898
I think that you misunderstood me in part and would like to clarify: I did not write or mean that you brought it upon yourself. She has 50% responsibility for the nature and ending of the relationship.
It is also possible for a well experienced person, a very wise person in understanding people, to be fooled and manipulated in a relationship. In a case like that, when the manipulator is very effective in her manipulation, she would have more than 50% responsibility for your broken heart.
I suggested learning about people so to lower your statistical chances for future heartbreaks, not to eliminate such, as that would be impossible.
Please let me know in your next post if I made myself clear here and what you think about my clarification.
anitaMarch 23, 2016 at 5:12 pm #99920
One of many emotions that I am going through is shame. Shame of not standing up for myself, for betraying myself and for sacrificing my judgement to value my admiration for my ex. I inflicted wounds on my self esteem for not being assertive for myself and my well being Or the best way to put it is I let her manipulate me.
I understand what you are saying that she had 50% responsibility. But I cannot deny the fact that I avoided confrontation with her because I thought she was just perfect for me. By not accepting my responsibility and not walking away, I stayed and endured. And then cried and begged for her to not leave me, lowest point of my life.
When I look back on it, it gives me the feeling of being weak and pathetic.
Sometimes, like this morning, I get dreams of her, where she is standing with no empathy and saying to me that she is leaving me
and I am begging for her to give me another chance. Again, pathetic and so disempowering.
That’s why I am struggling to forgive myself.
Brav3March 23, 2016 at 5:44 pm #99922
I wonder if your the name you use, “Brav” – stands for Brave?
You stayed and endured her manipulation and then cried and beg for her to not leave you because you were afraid, isn’t it so? You were frightened. And so you didn’t stand up for yourself. This is a disempowering experience and I believe I understand your distress now. You feel shame for the fact you acted fearfully with her. If you could re-do the ending of this relationship you would act differently, no matter how fearful you felt.
Would you like to do a little exercise, rewind time in your mind to before you begged her. Imagine you are facing her and you are going to tell her something, instead of the begging. Write it here, if you will, make it empowering, make it respectful to yourself. Will you?
anitaMarch 23, 2016 at 6:17 pm #99927
Not much of a name ‘Brave’ if I am not that brave.
Yeah, I would like to the exercise.
Alison, I want you to know that it is not okay for you to say that you are going out with your girlfriends and then looking for guys to buy you drink or flirt with. People in committed relationship don’t do that. It is not about ‘ letting be free in loving rleationship’ but respect for your loving partner.
Alison, it is not okay for you to act flirtatious with every good looking, funny guy you met. Its not me being jealous, your whole body language tells it very clearly. It is disrespectful and demeaning to the love that I have for you.
Alison, its not okay for you to say to ‘ I will do it for you cuz I love you’. It feels like you loving me is a favour rather than expression of your feelings.
Alison, its not okay to go out to tacky parties with your friends such as Halloween whores etc. and saying I am being insecure.
Alison, its not okay for you to lie to me or hide things from me and when I asked say to me that I am being clingy and jealous boyfriend.
Alison, its discourteous and disrespectful to invite guys over and have drinks with them in my house and not bothered to say a word to me. Instead, blaming me for having my poor judgement about your integrity.
Alison, its not okay for your friend to cheat with someone and giving so much pain to her husband and you agreeing that its okay to cheat.
Alison, you value holidays and staying in luxury hotels, you value good time and drugs. You don’t value just being with someone and love. You don’t value me. You said you were different but you exactly what I thought you would be.
You hurt me very badly and I let you do it to me again and again. I won’t forgive you for thisMarch 23, 2016 at 6:20 pm #99928
Not sure if its helping but I am feeling emotional.March 23, 2016 at 6:39 pm #99931
Don’t give up on being Brave. You weren’t with her, but you will have another chance and another… and you will be brave!
Now that you told her (exercise above) about all that you disapprove of about her actions and values, be brave, and end the relationship with her, break it up with her. Use strong (not abusive, but strong) language. Make it definite, assertive///
anitaMarch 23, 2016 at 6:41 pm #99932
Felt quite a bit and I am okay now. What this exercise meant to do?March 23, 2016 at 6:58 pm #99933
Okay , I will break it up.
Alison, in this 2.5 years relationship, I loved you and adored you unconditionally. I did my best with little and big things to make you happy. I learnt to dive to make you happy. I opened myself to you and loved you truly. I ignored myself, my needs and my wants and put you first. I ignored my gut feeling and my values so that I could be with you forever, which I did wrong.
But I can’t do this anymore, I can’t accept the fact that you don’t understand what is committed relationship. It is very wrong that you flirt with other guys and made me believe that I was being with insecure. I also know that you were being secretive about someone and I can’t stay in this relationship with you. You are a self absorbed and selfish person with no goals in life to achieve. I definitely, find it very wrong about you that you think its okay for people to cheat. You really don’t understand what relationship is because you said many times to me that it just has to work. You are a person with poor integrity and I don’t want to be with woman like you. You do not deserve my love and you don’t deserve me.
I don’t want you in my life now. I do not want to have any type of relationship with you in future as well. I leave you now, will never return. Please, do not contact me ever again.