Anita,

There’s more I want to tell you. The relationship that I had with her started wrong as well. I had no intention of dating her as I knew she was living with someone for 3 years. I was looking to make friends at that time. She slowly started acting more than a friend, showing alot of care for me, which I couldn’t understand at that time. But because of my loneliness I started developing attraction for her.

One night she asked me to go out and have drinks with her and her friend and I made up an excuse and declined. I was questioning myself to start having feelings for someone’s Gf. I knew it wasn’t right. So I stepped back. The next day she asked me about this and then revealed her feelings for me. She also said that her relationship with her previous Bf in rocks ( she used the same words for me as well). She told me how he was so negative and had abandonment issues.

This is where I made a mistake because I was so desperate, so sick of being alone that I BELIEVED what she said to me. She broke up with someone that she was with for 3 years and had no sadness or pain. When I asked her that if she feels sad, she said she was unhappy with him and that’s it. I assumed that guy (who’s relationship fell apart because of me) treated her badly and wasn’t loving person and that’s why she feels relieved rather than sadness. I was absolutely wrong.

I am in some way responsible for this. I followed my emotions and didn’t think that if she could walk away after 3 years of relationship, she could do the same to me. I thought if I love her honestly she would be happy and won’t leave. I blindly followed my attraction and didn’t realizing that I actually caused hurt to someone who loved her honestly as well. She left because she gets bored with her victims and look for new ones.

I am suffering because I caused pain and hurt to someone, although, I never intended to. I was so afraid of being alone, blinded by my emotions and feelings that I jumped into a relationship. I hope that person will forgive me.

Anita,

There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to accept that she manipulated me. The same part of me doesn’t able to understand how can she changed so fast and all other related things. This is when I feel that I am not moving forward but stuck in a loop.

I did try using some of CBT as you described, but the same part of me doesn’t want to accept those words. I will try again when I am not feeling emotional pain.

Brav3

Hi Callmeishmal,

Thank you for your insight. I will look into NPD. For now, I am just trying to accept what is and it is difficult.

Brav3

Hi Livelife364,

Thank you for writing. We often mistake pleasure as happiness. Relationship brings pleasure and pain, they are not the source of happiness. Happiness is already with us. We can only see it clearly when we drop our resistance to present, when we let go. Something easier said but very hard to do. If you practice this, you will start breaking your habitual patterns slowly and you will find your life will become easier to live, even with difficulties.

Good luck to you to.

Brav3

Dear Anita ,

I feel like if I go in detail again, it feels like I am dwelling on it again. Everyday ( in mornings or nights) I get memories ( images, words or scenes) along with emotions about her behavior during mid to end of relationship, where she would do something so not right ( for a person in committed relationship)

For example she would flirt with other guys, sometimes in front of me, sometimes on phone. And I would feel really awful, with my gut feelings screaming – there’s something not right. Then if I question her about this she would say by I am being insecure or relationship is about Trusting your partner and let them be free. She gas lighted/ convinced me so badly that at times when I see her doing it, I wouldn’t say anything because then I am a jealous or insecure Bf damaging my relationship by being irrational.

Sometimes flirting would be to get favors from people, like discount in stores, better deals at car hiring shops, or flirting with people in higher positions at work to get raise or better work oppertunity etc.

Sometimes she would say to that she is being friendly and that’s all.

Why I didn’t see this? Few reasons
1. I was alone with no friends.
2. Desperate to have relationship as I thought that would make me complete or happy.

First she bombarded me with love and affection so strong, put me on pedestal and created a reliance/dependency where I was thinking she was my best friend/ my lover/ my everything. And then she slowly started changing her behavior little by little making me convince that I am being crazy here.

Anita, she would say things like ” you are being so sensitive”, ” you misunderstood me completely”, “you are being insecure over nothing”, ” I mentioned that to you, you forgot again”. I was feeling that I am losing my mind, that how am I forgetting things, or become so sensitive. That’s how I started doubting everything I see or my gut feelings. I started fighting with myself.

At the end of relationship, she was absolutely non empathetic towards me with no sad emotions. Like I was nothing to her.

When I put all pieces together, I clearly see that I was psychologically abused, everything that didn’t make sense at that time, started to make sense now. However, the trauma continue to exist where I get this flashes of memories where I see myself as this desperate guy who badly wants to do everything right to make his partner happy but somehow continue to does everything wrong and damage his relationship. These flashers makes me feel those lost ,confused, desperate feelings again and again, reliving that painful events. And Then the feeling of disempowered that she did this to me and get away with, I can’t expose her ( people won’t believe me) or prove anything and even if I did there’s no law against it.

In world, she is a charming caring person and she didn’t want me anymore, NOTHING wrong with that. That’s what people do they break up. There’s no abuse. What I know now, I just have to learn from it. I feel sorry for this other guy that she is seeing now. He doesn’t know what he got himself into.

So I look inside and reflected little bit about why things are soooo painful still? Why I am still some days get stuck in raw emotions?

I’d like to write about it. Here’s what I found.

During my past relationship, there was gaslighting (manipulation) in two ways.

First, she acted soooooooooo good and right and made me believe that she was perfect for me, that she was the best fit/match for me. I do not know how much was this part intentional.

Second, she made me feel that there was something wrong with me, that I am making things up or I shouldn’t not believe what I was seeing, and causing doubts on myself and then making me feel that I was causing problems in the relationships. I know, pretty F##ked up but its true. I surely, think that there were some intentions there to hide things from me.

This both together has formed some traumatic memories ( images, words, scenes) which still continues to make me feel that I am solely responsible for the relationship to break, that I had the best match for me and I squandered it. So, whenever these traumatic memories play in my mind, I feel this immense emotional pain and it really burns inside.