May 23, 2016 at 4:03 pm #105427
Its been almost 4 months since I had a shocking break up with my Gf at that time, ( ex now) which shook me and turned my life towards a new journey. I learned quite a lot about life and myself during past 4 months. I thought by this time I will be completely over her but I am finding some days are still very painful. Here are some of the issues:
1. Hearing about my ex is with some new guy through a common friend– I am trying to unfriend this common friend, its been very painful and shattering. I know she could do whatever with her life but I am finding it hard to digest that she found someone so fast to replace me and then have no decency to stay quiet about it, just in case, thinking how I would feel. Sometimes, I feel like I should confront by text or in person and ask her how much more she wants to hurt me for loving her honestly. I know I am not gonna achieve anything if I do that.
2. Seeing my ex at times at work or driving to work – We have a same workplace. I tried to avoid going to the building where she is but I can’t do it always. When I see her, I feel this intense pain in my heart, she is so okay as I never existed.
3. Her past memories including images like the night she broke up with me, the weird way she was acting before, and her words like ” Relationship just has to work on its own” ” We aren’t compatible” ” Relationship is about keeping your partner on toes”.
These images and words continue to give me immense pain. I feel like I am losing my mind and so f##ked up in my head at times.
I really want to move on with my life, really want to close this chapter once and for all. And I feel like I am going in circles again and again. Some days I can see that I am ready to be out but then there will be one day when I feel like I am back to square one. I feel emotionally exhausted and this wound that I got 4 months ago continues to fester.May 23, 2016 at 4:05 pm #105428
Today is one of those days, will appreciate any encouraging words or advice.May 23, 2016 at 6:42 pm #105429anitaParticipant
It’s tough to be replaced. If she is happy now, not at all grieving her relationship with you, but happily moved on, giving no thought to you, as if you never existed (your words)… maybe she is worth replacing too.
Maybe she is not the woman you thought she was when you fell in love with her. Maybe see her now as she is, and … readjust how you see her. What will follow will be a change in how you feel.
When you lose something irreplaceable, it could be bad. But what is it that you lost… or who is it that you lost?
anitaMay 23, 2016 at 7:34 pm #105431Krixter85Participant
(forgive my English ^^)
I am currently going thru a break up and unlike you, it has been almost a year now since that relationship ended.
Like you, she also moved on with someone else (rather quickly) after and i too had the misfortune of finding out by a common friend. Also, knowing who that person i got replaced with was, the feelings were unbearable. The past few months taught me a great deal about myself and also gave me a bit more perspective on this whole relationship.
Moving on can be a bit tricky. I do agree with you that it can be draining sometimes, having and going thru all these thoughts and memories of you and her. It’s as if your mind takes control and makes you relieve what happened and projects scenarios on what could’ve been and this in return creates unwanted emotions and yeah it is painful sometimes to be honest.
I’ll have those days where i feel like i am taking a step backward insted of forward just like i’ll have those days where i’ll feel like i have a sense of control on my mind and emotions and i can move on.
Also, i realized it’s not about how long you’ve been trying to move on or even how long it should take, but more about the process in question. It’s been a year yes but i am in a better place now than i was a few months ago but i still have those moments like the one you have now.
I don’t know about your situation or the whole story to give a more specific reply but in my case, it gave me the need to reflect on my life (for the better and worse). For example, one “good” thing that came out of this breakup is that i don’t have to spend (or waste) as much time and energy as i used to do on her. Sadly, it also made me realise that i have approval and self esteem issues to work on.
The mind can play many scenarios and memories on us and can often make this whole process very complicated. But tell me, is there a reason you think on why you keep having those specific words and images come up in your head? what meaning do you give them? Or are you giving them too much meaning maybe?
Like you said, it’s one of those days and its ok!
And i do relate to it (mostly because i am having them to these days too ^^)May 23, 2016 at 7:52 pm #105434AnonymousInactive
Here we are, the heartbroken team again.
I talk to anita sometimes as well 🙂
Although I’ve been doing much better than in the beginning, of course I struggle one day or another. Now the day we’d celebrate our third anniversary is approaching and thinking of that brings me down.
Number 3 is the same for me. Sometimes I still have the images and words that were said during the break up process….and I go through them sometimes and it hurts. a lot. But … I just embrace it and accept it. I let myself cry a little bit as well. It’s the way to it.
But I often wonder if these moments will ever end, though. I just really hope they do. I’m just still so closed to let other people enter my life. i find it odd how other people move on so fast…
It’s the second time i edit this – but i went back to my own post and I started it in January. I remember the day so well. It was literally the day I had hit rock bottom. I had a major panic attack, my anxiety was affecting my life and i was let it destroy myself.
I like to go back to it and see my progress. Just saying that to give you hope 🙂
cathMay 23, 2016 at 8:48 pm #105438TriangleSunParticipant
Often times when you’re left out of a relationship you wonder about your existence. Like, what am I without her/him? Especially if you put a lot of work, faith and hope in the relationship. I find that this is the perfect time to evaluate yourself. You’re feeling pain, vulnerability and weakness now. How can you improve on yourself to make these things have less control over you? How can you give yourself a little boost? This is a perfect time for change. You mentioned that you work at the same place. Have you thought about finding another job? It’s a little distraction that I think would be good for your mind. If not that, how about a vacation? Take a week off and run away for a little bit? Maybe do something you always wanted to do but never had the chance? Move to another place? You get the point. I always work on myself when I find myself in similar situation. Feeling like i’m improving myself, moving forward to something, accomplishing something is a way to battle this sense of worthlessness that you typically go through in a situation like this.May 23, 2016 at 9:05 pm #105441LorissaParticipant
I feel your pain Brav3. Unfortunately I have no words of wisdom as I am also just starting this journey. It’s difficult to understand how someone’s feelings could change so quickly. Just know you are not alone, and your feelings are valid.
Take careMay 23, 2016 at 11:23 pm #105465sandstormParticipant
hey brav i feel your pain . it will fade away with time m sure .stay strong bro. shit happens .forgive her and forget her be better human being .thats the only right thing you should do. yes its gonna be difficult but not impossible.May 24, 2016 at 4:49 am #105482InkyParticipant
I would tell the common friend, “I don’t want to hear OF her.” If you keep getting tidbits of juicy news on her fabulous life say, “Friend, I’m cutting you off for a while. Nothing personal.” This will give the friend pause, and will probably change his/her mode of communication in the future.
The workplace: Can you actively find a new job? Or work from home or on the weekends or at night? Take a vacation now? Seeing her everyday is a little over the top emotionally.
And I’m sure you’ve heard this, but relationships that started out with cheating (if that’s what she did) or rebound relationships seldom work out long term. I’m betting that her “Everything’s fine/you don’t exist” face is just that ~ a mask.
Do a ceremony where you safely burn those phrased she said to you. I’ve done that and it IS very cathartic!
InkyMay 24, 2016 at 12:48 pm #105513ErisParticipant
One thing I read when I was going through that post break up with the first person I ever truly loved (he obviously didn’t feel the same lol) was that when a person breaks up with you it is not a spur of the moment thing, they have already been processing it for a while, getting use to the idea of you not being in there life and trying it out for size in their head and by the time they get to actually breaking up with you they are already quite a way down the post break up path.
The person being broken up with has to play catch up.May 24, 2016 at 4:07 pm #105533
I always feel so much better when I talk to you. She is definitely worth of replacing too. However, I want to stay alone and learn more about myself, which is difficult at times to do.
She is surely not the person that I fell in love with. I have been telling that to myself everyday. Because of the grasping or attachment I have with what my past was, I am not able to see what my present is, that is, she is a completely different girl.
If I get this insight in my mind that what I lost wasn’t mine, wasn’t permanent, it was just the fantasy of my deluded mind to grasp/attach to certainty, I will be able to accept it more. But emotionally, my mind is so deluded that I get entangled in this emotions.May 24, 2016 at 4:23 pm #105534
Thank you for your encouraging words. I am going exactly what the way you described. It somewhat feels okay to know that I am not alone or really sensitive about breakup as people do get those ‘one of those days’ after months post breakup.
What I have learnt from this breakup about myself is that I have issues like loneliness and self esteem as well and I have decided to work on them before I even think about another relationship.
Yes, the reasons I think behind those specific words and images that keeps coming up in my head are
1. Somehow I feel Like I was the cause for breakup – Even though I know that I did every thing I could to make her happy.
2. She broke up with me because I am a flawed person/ not good looking/ not outgoing enough – Intellectually I know that’s not true at all, but emotionally…. I just don’t get it, I feel that there’s something so wrong with me.
I think by giving meaning to those words as described above, I feel extremely poor about myself. I do tell myself that these meanings aren’t true but it doesn’t work at times.May 24, 2016 at 4:29 pm #105535
We are in this together. I read your story and how you are slowly coming out of it as a strong person. I see myself coming out of this as a strong and wise individual who doesn’t afraid of strong emotions. I have learned so much about myself and have grown immensely. However, this journey is very painful and difficult at times.
Hang in there buddy, I am hanging in there to along with all those who are going through this. When we will be fully out from this, our wisdom about life will shine in this world.
Brav3May 24, 2016 at 5:33 pm #105536
Thank you for writing. I have been working on things to improve myself. After reflecting alot post breakup, I have identified some issues with myself and core wrong believes about life that I am trying to get rid of. Here’s a tiny list that I am working on.
1. I believed that happiness and success is defined by being married with kids.
2. I believed I am flawed if I am single.
3. I am afraid of being alone.
4. I identify my worth with the actions of others.
5. I have self esteem issues.
I am not able to leave my current job due to a contract restriction till the end of this year. I have finished my paid leaves due to taking time off work immediate post break up. Basically, I can’t run anymore and have to face this.
I have been a part of rowing team here. I play beach volleyball quite alot and have started to engage and be more open with people to make new friends. I have been meditating regularly as well and I try to attend workshops on Buddhist teachings as well.
I do feel that I am improving myself. I just didn’t know that coming out of this is such a long and slow process.May 24, 2016 at 5:39 pm #105537
Thank you for your compassion and kind words.
What I have learnt so far is that people change, it can be quick or fast. Nothing stay the same. I am just trying to cultivate my acceptance to this change. I wrote a post few months about post break up. These tips might help you as you just started this journey.
Feel free to talk to us.