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Almost 4 months post break up and I still struggles some days

HomeForumsRelationshipsAlmost 4 months post break up and I still struggles some days

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  • This topic has 45 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Anonymous.
Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 46 total)
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  • #105538
    Brav3
    Participant

    hey brav i feel your pain . it will fade away with time m sure .stay strong bro. shit happens .forgive her and forget her be better human being .thats the only right thing you should do. yes its gonna be difficult but not impossible.

    Hey Sandstorm,

    Thank you so much for your encouraging words Bro. Its been a big challenge to my mental resilience. I do have thought about forgiving her in future, but for now , I can only acknowledge that I will forgive her for one day for gaslighting me.

    I am waiting for that day. For now, I will try to hang in there.

    Thanks
    Brav3

    #105539
    Brav3
    Participant

    Hi Brav3,

    I would tell the common friend, “I don’t want to hear OF her.” If you keep getting tidbits of juicy news on her fabulous life say, “Friend, I’m cutting you off for a while. Nothing personal.” This will give the friend pause, and will probably change his/her mode of communication in the future.

    The workplace: Can you actively find a new job? Or work from home or on the weekends or at night? Take a vacation now? Seeing her everyday is a little over the top emotionally.

    And I’m sure you’ve heard this, but relationships that started out with cheating (if that’s what she did) or rebound relationships seldom work out long term. I’m betting that her “Everything’s fine/you don’t exist” face is just that ~ a mask.

    Do a ceremony where you safely burn those phrased she said to you. I’ve done that and it IS very cathartic!

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    Hi Inky,

    I have decided to fully cut off with this common friend completely as she isn’t a trustworthy person.

    I can’t change job as I am in contract with my company until the end of this year. I have finished all my paid leaves to cope up with early stages of breakup. So yeah, basically, I have no choice but to endure this.

    I would really like to do that ceremony. Can you please describe how did you do a ceremony to burn those words.

    Thank Brav3

    #105540
    Brav3
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    I have decided to fully cut off with this common friend completely as she isn’t a trustworthy person.

    I can’t change job as I am in contract with my company until the end of this year. I have finished all my paid leaves to cope up with early stages of breakup. So yeah, basically, I have no choice but to endure this.

    I would really like to do that ceremony. Can you please describe how did you do a ceremony to burn those words.

    Thank Brav3

    #105541
    Brav3
    Participant

    Hi Eris,

    I read the same as well. She was prepared and ready for breakup in months in advance. Although, she continued to say things to me that everything is alright and great and dropped the bombshell later.

    There’s nothing I could do about it now. I believed her for a long time, even questioned my gut feelings as I valued her so much.

    Now here I am….. and there’s nothing I can do apart from accepting it.

    #105542
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Brav3:

    I like how you use the forum to process your emotions about your break up and how you responded thoughtfully to every person that wrote to you. This tells me you are reliable and will be an asset to a woman in your future (after you take the break you need to take), reliable, dependable, caring. My goodness! When you meet and get to know a woman who will be the right woman for you, she will be fortunate!

    anita

    #105566
    Brav3
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    For some reason when I write about feelings on this forum, I feel some relief. And then people like you are so kind and supportive that it really helps me to come out from the entanglement of emotions.

    Thank you for the complement. You are so kind and supportive to everyone here.

    I have a big challenge today ( within an hour), to sit in the same workplace training room and attend a workshop. I know my ex will be there, acting all happy and all good, probably texting to people in front of me. I know there will be alot emotions running through me but I must not succumb to them. It is going to be painful and difficult but I have no choice but to face it.

    #105570
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Brav3:

    I wrote to you on your beautifully written new thread about practicing what you wrote in the training room. This is an opportunity for you to practice when most needed. Keep yourself as calm as possible throughout. Don’t fake any emotion so to hide what you truly feel. If you feel sad, be sad, look sad, sound sad. (I am not suggesting crying and wailing of course, just …sad). Let yourself feel what you feel, don’t resist. If you find yourself uptight, that means you are resisting your hurt, sadness and/ or anger. Relax again and again. Every time you find yourself tense, relax. If you get carried away with thoughts that cause you distress (ex. “she looks so happy.”) focus instead on how you feel and think for ex. “I feel sad.”

    Thanks for your appreciation of me, as you wrote above, Brav3, Looking forward to read about how it went.

    anita

    #105586
    Brav3
    Participant

    Anita,

    So the training went ok as she came late but left quickly. I sat at front to avoid seeing her, but I could feel alot of pain.

    What I finding troubling/unbearable is I have this image of her with some new guy ( no face), just image. Why I am finding unbearable is difficult to describe? To put in words it feels like ‘something of mine that loved dearly is taken from me’, I guess its an attachment. However, I never thought of her being with someone after me like never consider, there’s a possibility that she will go, even though she did that to her previous ex. Why I didn’t think of this? Why I find soooooo unbearable that she is with someone? I don’t understand. Why I can’t I see that she is soooooo different now, not the same person at all.

    #105600
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Brav3:

    Well, I wonder if seeing her with a new guy is triggering a very deep hurt you have from your childhood. Our most intense emotions are the emotions we experienced as children. So I wonder: do you see an experience you had as a child, a great hurt you experienced about not being special enough to be a parent’s “number one”? About not being special? Maybe a parent preferred someone else over you?

    If there is such an experience, the present situation may trigger that experience. If so, attending to the original experience will place your present experience in perspective and your pain over it will weaken.

    Awaiting your answer.

    anita

    #105634
    Brav3
    Participant

    Anita,

    I wasn’t very clear. I have only heard about my ex is seeing someone now. I have never seen her with anyone, which probably might happen someday.

    I do not recall any childhood experience as such. I actually had a very loving and caring childhood. Maybe my mental resilience is not that good.

    I do not know why I get caught in these emotions and thoughts, but when I do, I am not able to rise above them. I thought after 4 months, emotions will have a less grip on me but no, these emotions are just less frequent that’s all.

    #105642
    Brav3
    Participant

    So I look inside and reflected little bit about why things are soooo painful still? Why I am still some days get stuck in raw emotions?

    I’d like to write about it. Here’s what I found.

    During my past relationship, there was gaslighting (manipulation) in two ways.

    First, she acted soooooooooo good and right and made me believe that she was perfect for me, that she was the best fit/match for me. I do not know how much was this part intentional.

    Second, she made me feel that there was something wrong with me, that I am making things up or I shouldn’t not believe what I was seeing, and causing doubts on myself and then making me feel that I was causing problems in the relationships. I know, pretty F##ked up but its true. I surely, think that there were some intentions there to hide things from me.

    This both together has formed some traumatic memories ( images, words, scenes) which still continues to make me feel that I am solely responsible for the relationship to break, that I had the best match for me and I squandered it. So, whenever these traumatic memories play in my mind, I feel this immense emotional pain and it really burns inside.

    #105648
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Brav3:

    By seeing her with another guy, I didn’t mean in real life but in your fantasy: “this image of her with some new guy ( no face), just image” as you wrote. I wondered why it is so unbearable for you. No doubt it is not pleasant for anyone to see their ex with someone else (image or real)- but why is it so unbearable. In you last post you added that you have doubts about causing the breakup yourself. Maybe it is the doubts that you have that prevent you from moving on so far, the doubts keeping your pain as intense as it was earlier (with breaks)?

    I don’t remember discussing doubts with you before, did we? I am sorry you have these doubts because clarity of thinking would have helped you to move on. It may be this very thing, the doubts that keep you stuck. What do you think and what can be done about it?

    anita

    #105662
    Brav3
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I think you missed my last post.

    Why I am feeling this so much pain, even after 4 months. It was gas lighting.

    Brav3

    #105675
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Brav3:

    I went back and read all your posts on your first thread here, March this year. One sentence you posted then was: “Sometimes I feel I brought this all upon myself. Maybe I don’t understand people ( women in particular) very well. And if I don’t, how would I know that next time I won’t be wrong again?”

    Without reading all the posts since (there are so many), I am thinking at this point that there is something in this 2.5 year relationship (most/ all you lived together, correct?) that you still don’t see. And that something is keeping you unchanged since the breakup. This may be why all the correct thinking and exercises did not work reliably so far.

    If you agree, think there is something there, maybe share about the relationship itself more. What happened? From the beginning, how it was, what were the interactions like in the beginning, middle and end of that relationship?

    anita

    #105712
    Brav3
    Participant

    Dear Anita ,

    I feel like if I go in detail again, it feels like I am dwelling on it again. Everyday ( in mornings or nights) I get memories ( images, words or scenes) along with emotions about her behavior during mid to end of relationship, where she would do something so not right ( for a person in committed relationship)

    For example she would flirt with other guys, sometimes in front of me, sometimes on phone. And I would feel really awful, with my gut feelings screaming – there’s something not right. Then if I question her about this she would say by I am being insecure or relationship is about Trusting your partner and let them be free. She gas lighted/ convinced me so badly that at times when I see her doing it, I wouldn’t say anything because then I am a jealous or insecure Bf damaging my relationship by being irrational.

    Sometimes flirting would be to get favors from people, like discount in stores, better deals at car hiring shops, or flirting with people in higher positions at work to get raise or better work oppertunity etc.

    Sometimes she would say to that she is being friendly and that’s all.

    Why I didn’t see this? Few reasons
    1. I was alone with no friends.
    2. Desperate to have relationship as I thought that would make me complete or happy.

    First she bombarded me with love and affection so strong, put me on pedestal and created a reliance/dependency where I was thinking she was my best friend/ my lover/ my everything. And then she slowly started changing her behavior little by little making me convince that I am being crazy here.

    Anita, she would say things like ” you are being so sensitive”, ” you misunderstood me completely”, “you are being insecure over nothing”, ” I mentioned that to you, you forgot again”. I was feeling that I am losing my mind, that how am I forgetting things, or become so sensitive. That’s how I started doubting everything I see or my gut feelings. I started fighting with myself.

    At the end of relationship, she was absolutely non empathetic towards me with no sad emotions. Like I was nothing to her.

    When I put all pieces together, I clearly see that I was psychologically abused, everything that didn’t make sense at that time, started to make sense now. However, the trauma continue to exist where I get this flashes of memories where I see myself as this desperate guy who badly wants to do everything right to make his partner happy but somehow continue to does everything wrong and damage his relationship. These flashers makes me feel those lost ,confused, desperate feelings again and again, reliving that painful events. And Then the feeling of disempowered that she did this to me and get away with, I can’t expose her ( people won’t believe me) or prove anything and even if I did there’s no law against it.

    In world, she is a charming caring person and she didn’t want me anymore, NOTHING wrong with that. That’s what people do they break up. There’s no abuse. What I know now, I just have to learn from it. I feel sorry for this other guy that she is seeing now. He doesn’t know what he got himself into.

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