Hi there. Been awhile. Thanks for your last response. I’ve been trying to not be on here unless I really need somewhere to vent.
I was watching tv tonight and saw a show that really put me back a bit.  Really hit home. Ended up crying again. I miss her so much sometimes. Like now. It hurts so much. I’m sure I’ll be feeling better later or tomorrow. It just sucks that I still get like this. I hate it. Wow. The human heart is something g else. I would still walk through hell for her. It feels like I do that everyday in hopes that she will be there for me when I’m done.  I just want to see her and tell her I love her more than anyone ever can. I know that’s the worse thing I could ever do. Wishful thinking I guess that I would and she would call into my arms.
thanks for listening. I just had to get it off my chest.

i’m in a bad place.  I tried to make the most of the holidays.  i’m so tired of hurting and hurting people around me.  i try to do these things you say, but i still just feel the same.  Like i’m missing a part of me.  god it hurts.  i really wish i would have never met her.  i’m sorry to dump, but i have no where else to vent to.  All of my friends and family are tired of my same ole shit.  none of them understand, how can they until they go through this.  i see people that have loved like this, then lost, then next thing you know they are in love again with marriage plans.  I don’t understand how they can just be done and let go.  i want that so bad.  again, sorry for this.  i’m just lost and lonely.

I’d just ask your friend’s wife “hey, I noticed you guys are friends on Facebook now. How did that happen?” or something like that

I did ask her as soon as i found out.  I told her  i was dumbfounded and curious why.  All she told me was “Sorry, i didn’t realize being friends with someone on FB would be so bad.  We have been for awhile.”  This is right after I recently poured my heart out to her about how I was feeling.  And like i said, she hated her.  She disliked  her even when we were dating.  It’s just really freaking odd to me.

on a side note.  Me ex’s son’s birthday was on the 19th.  I sent her a message and told her to wish him a happy birthday for me, unless it would be weird.  Mainly just curious to her response.  She said thanks, but yes it would be weird.  I didn’t respond.  I wanted to say almost as weird as you friending my best friends wife?  But I didn’t think that would have been a mature response.

Yeah, honestly, from what you’ve said, your ex seems really quite immature and has a lot of growth to do, especially with the way she keeps coming in and out of your life, and especially if you think she’s mainly only talking to you when she’s lonely or possibly it could be a feed to her ego, knowing she still has you on a string, even when you were with someone else. That’s not a good quality for a life partner at all. I hope you’re able to use this time to yourself to build yourself to the point where you know you deserve better than that and you’ll attract someone who will give you better and TRULY be the right match for you.

I agree.  There really is no reason for her to have ever reached out to me like she has done time and time again, or said the things she has if she i really happy and in love, unless she is messed up and needs that control or power(ego) knowing she can always do that.  Or unless she can’t handle me being happy with someone else and now she knows I am alone  and that is why she has stopped communicating again.  I hate mind games.  It is really hard though.  Like you have felt about your ex.  I really do love her more than I could ever imagine was possible.  I hate that i fell so hard for someone and became so vulnerable and weak.  Love is an amazing thing.  it can bring a dead person to life and at the same time put someone in the grave.

thanks..

I tell you though, it is really eating me alive wondering why in the heck my best friends wife decided to friend my ex considering that she “hated” her so much and who initiated it.  I can’t lie, it really bothers me.  I don’t know if I should confront her (my best friends wife) or just leave it alone.  You have no idea how bad i want to see my ex’s FB page, just to see what she has posted about her Boyfriend.  If anything to help me move on even more. Like if I could see a bunch of lovey dovey posts.  She never did that stuff  with me.

As more time goes on, I really do think i was some kind of rebound for her.  I was what she needed at that point in time to get her out of her slump she was in, but as time grew on maybe she saw me more as a friend.  After all, i never stood up to her like I should have as a man or boyfriend.  I let her walk all over me repeatedly and use me as a “door mat” as she would say.

In the meantime, my current ex is doing everything I did, still texting me, telling me she misses me, how she doesn’t understand, ect.  It’s nice to see how I became( i was the same way with my previous ex), but it also kills me knowing this now, knowing how I thought i was just communicating, when actually when she needed me to leave her alone I was doing just the opposite big time, causing her to pull away even harder.  Definitely a real eye opener.  But still hard to learn from.

relationships are crazy, people and emotions are crazy.  It’s all crazy.  I just hope that someday when I start looking again that I will meet that someone that really is “the one”.  Right now, it’s hard to fathom because I still do think about her more than I should.  And honestly if she was to come back to me, i would have a hard time standing up for myself.  She really is my kryptonite.  The love that I have for her is unreal or unexplainable.  I hate that.  I hate that there isn’t a logical reason I feel like this and that I can’t change it.

Oh well though right??  Still trying to just get back on my feet again.  Just hard is all.  really really hard.

Well my current ex-girlfriend moved out this last weekend.  I feel horrible.  She moved back into her old house that her mom owns.   She is in dire straights trying to be able to afford it there and her kids are crushed as well having to switch schools and leave my house.  Today was the first day at the new school and her daughter was crying.

I really hate this.  I know it’s for the best, but part of me would rather suffer than see them all suffer.  To make things worse, her family isn’t really giving her any emotional support.  I don’t understand her family at all.  I talked to my ex-father in law about all of this recently(he went through a similar situation when his wife left him a few years ago).  I told him that I don’t understand her family at all.  I know it’s not their responsibly to support or take care of her financially, but you would think they would all step up and help.  He even said if i was in that situation he would let me stay there for free until I got on my feet, which is what family and friends should do, not treat my ex like they are.  Like she has the plague.

Her oldest daughter is sharing the place with her and she is even being an asshole.  She doesn’t work, just has a baby and doesn’t help out at all and is a jerk to her little brother and sister making things worse.  I feel absolutely horrible about all of this.  I know exactly how she is feeling and the thoughts that are running through her head.  I am trying to be there for her if she needs help, but i don’t know if that is making things worse or better.  When my ex before her left me, it was cut and dry and DONE.  no going back.  She just left me hanging out to dry.  That was the worst feeling in the world not knowing why someone could just give up that easily.  Now i’m doing it to my current ex.  Like i said, i am still here for her if she needs and have told her everything and why, but she still doesn’t understand.  She told me she feels like she lost her life.  Which I understand.  I felt the same way.  We(my previous and I) had life plans together, then the dream was gone overnight.  It’s crushing to the soul and heart.  The one thing I had was that I was still able to provide for me and my kids and not have to move and start over like she is.

This is so hard.  I know some of you think i am a jerk and not a nice person, but I really do have a big heart and seeing someone hurt like this is devastating.  I think that’s why i tried to make it work for so long.  I wish there was something i could do to make things better for her.  Unfortunately the only thing would be to not have her have moved out, but like i told her.  If she didn’t, then i would of ended up hating her and it would have ended very badly.

I’m not looking for pity.  I’m the last person that deserves that.  I just want to heal her pain and suffering and I can’t.  I know that because of what I went through.  I hate how this is all such a big lesson for me.  A lesson of my previous relationship and finally understanding how she felt, a lesson in letting go of someone before it gets to this point if I have doubts in the beginning (like you all told me to do).  I feel like such a jerk.

Love really does stink.   I honestly feel like there is only one person for everyone and unfortunately that one person may not see that in you and see it in someone else.  I have decided that when I am able to start dating again(which will be a long time), i’m not going to date for love.  I’m just going to date to have fun.  Love hurts way too much all around and is way to confusing.

So many regrets… still feeling them every day.

Hello, i know, or i get the impression most of you are done listening to me.  I need to talk and have no body to confide in, so this is it.  Even if i get no responses, It will help me just writing this out.

since my last post, my girlfriend and i have been doing this break up/make up routine every weekend.  Big drawn out ugly fights, then in a day or two we get back together.  Well last night we got into a big one.  Long story short, I told her i need to be alone with my girls and she asked if I would be okay with her not there.  She asked if i would miss her.  I told her i would be fine.  I would miss her, but as a friend.  That I am done and need to be alone so I can fix myself.  So I think that finally did it.  Today she said she changed her status on FB and is packing and going to stay in her sons room until she can find somewhere to go.  Her family is screwed up.  All they want is money from her and none of them are stepping up to help.  I hope that now they will.  She needs love and support.  I feel so bad about all of this.  Seeing her cry  and hurt breaks my heart.  And the kids… They are going to be devastated.  I know this is toxic for everyone to continue what we have been doing and in the long run it will be better for everyone, but it is so hard and painful.  We all hurt tremendously.

Another thing surfaced as well in my life.  Turns out my Best friends wife recently became friends with my ex on FB also recently.  That was definitely a big blow to me.  I’ve know her for over twenty years, she knows how I feel and has been a front row witness to my pain and struggle.  I have confided in her over the last year and a half about my feelings and how I am doing.  She didn’t even really like my ex, especially after we broke up-she hated her.  Now this?  Then my ex posted a comment on her time line!  What the hell?   I feel so betrayed by my friends wife.  She is like a sister to me.  I can’t help but wonder who reached out to who and why?  I know it doesn’t matter, but damn.  Even when we were together my friends wife pretty much ignored her and gave her the cold shoulder.  I am so lost with everything.   I know that seeing my friends wife be friends with my ex shouldn’t even bother me and is none of my business, but it does and it hurts and is very confusing.  I feel like everything is crashing down around me.  I’m not looking for sympathy, just need to express myself.  I can’t even talk to my best friend who i’ve know for over 30 years now because of conflict of interest.

The only thing I do know is i’m not backing down with my girlfriend this time.  This time it is final. WE are finally over.  I know it’s going  to get uglier before it gets better, but I can only hope that she is able to leave my house soon and I can rebuild myself like i need to.  And i hope she can as well.  I do love and care for her, just not in love with her like I should be.

I am so ready for this year to be over.  I really hope I am able to make next a good one, be positive and rebuild myself and my life.  For me and my girls.

she has, she only gets $90 in food stamps, no cash assistance.  For daycare she would have to pay the first $400.  She did fill out an application for low income housing, however the waiting list for that could be up to 3 years.   So who knows when and what is going to  happen.

Here is something that is really messed up.  Her brother ended and kicked out his girlfriend.  he told her she could move in if she paid $400 and utilities.  Her kids would of had to share  a room, but she would have been back close to her family and friends and her kids have lots 0f friends there.  We talked about it and i told her that i thought it was a good idea.  Then before we could talk more, she told her brother no, that she couldn’t afford it and that she didn’t want to move her kids, just to have to move them again later.  She decided all of this without having a final discussion with me first.  So i was going to bring it back up to her Monday after work ( i would have sooner, but we had our daughters birthday parties on Sunday and I didn’t want to ruin that for them) and tell her that I think she needs to do that, that I would even help pay if necessary for a month or two.  but once again drama struck.  her oldest daughter had baby daddy problems and had to move out of her apartment ASAP(he got violent).  So she moved in to my girlfriends brothers house instead.

I tell you, it is amazing how things work.  I had my opportunity and i missed it.  She knows that i’m not in love with her, but she is still hanging on, trying to do whatever she can to make it happen…  HMMMM sounds familiar.  i guess in a way i’m doing the same thing in my head with the ghost in my past.

but if you two fight again and she launches into the “this is about me!” thing, I think you need to let her know it IS her, too.  Her reactions to things are not at all healthy (and there is no excuse for it anymore. You’ve been faithful so she needs to trust you), and that’s putting a huge strain on your relationship too

I actually did tell her that much.  I told her that her insecurities are causing a lot of issues and that I know i screwed up in the past, however I haven’t been talking to anyone for a long, long time.  That i’ve even quit talking to my sister about our relationship.  That god forbid i would want to hang out with my best friend for a little bit because the would be at home stewing the whole time thinking i’m doing something else or seeing someone else.

Aside from that, you two just aren’t compatible, so it’s you, her, and both of you together that isn’t working.

I told her this also.  That we can have fun together, but we don’t fit together, that we are not compatible.  I’ve told her that several times.

anita, the kids were at their older sisters that night.  So it was just me and her at home.