Thanks again Valora, everything you have said makes perfect sense and i’m really trying to quit obsessing on this crap.

When we were out trick or treating last night we walked by a house having a party, people laughing, dancing, ect…  freaking triggered me again to our last weekend together.  Watching her dance with her friend.  Was killing me.  However My girlfriend was with me last night and we had a pretty good night.  It is very hard dismissing those feelings though and not getting upset when they happen.

Yeah, we are in a pickle, that’s for sure.  What’s funny is when we lived apart, she was working elsewhere and had help with the kids, so we saw a whole lot of each other.  Part of the reason we moved in together was to be able to see more of each other because having my girls every other week, I wasn’t able to get over there much on those weeks, Now that we live together, we actually see less of each other.  How’s that for a twist…

Not to dwell on shit, but this day a year ago was the last time i really felt loved by my ex.  We were texting off and on during trick or treating.  It was about 8:30-9:00 and she told me she was going to go to bed and goodnight.  No “i love you” or anything.  So i responded “okay, goodnight” or something like that.  No “i love you” or anything back.  She responded “I love you too!!!”  So I responded with hearts before and after “I LOVE YOU”  she responded “that’s more like it” with hearts back.

It was things like this that really through me off and still does.  She told me a while ago that she knew she was done the weekend before Halloween, that she knew we were over the last weekend we were together,  but then if that was the case, why respond like that?  I almost feel like she liked having the upper hand or being in control.  Because when ever i would get distant or generic, she would get all lovey dovey.  but then when i would be loving, she would get distant.  There was even a day after that when i went a couple hours without texting her and she texted me “your awfully quite today?”  I told her that i was just giving her space, then she said she felt like an asshole.  It’s really weird.  Even when we first started talking again, for her to send me a text asking if i saw the moon tonight (that was a big thing with us) and then a pic of herself saying “so you don’t forget me”, so I sent her one back saying the same thing and she replied ” i could never forget you or those beautiful blue eyes”.  I think that’s when i started really feeling it all over again.  It just really felt like she did miss me, and had thoughts of us.  I mean who would send texts like that if you were done.  really confusing.  I think it was things like that that gave me hope and still does…. even though she has made it clear she is done with me.

Well. I’m home from work. Trying to get motivated. But all I want to do is sleep in the dark.

Why is it  so hard not to feel like everything is my fault. I know it takes two, but all that keeps running through my head is all the mistakes I made. This is so frustrating.

How do I forgive myself when I feel like I did this. When my freaking brain constantly goes back to all the days or minutes even that lead up to it and afterand everything I did that I shouldn’t have. How can I still be so consumed with this a year later. I don’t understand it. I think I do, then I don’t. I feel so weak and worthless at times like this. It hurts so much. I just want to forget. I would give anything for that.

Its been a year!  Why can’t I get it through my head and let my heart heal. She is done with me and never wants me back. She is happy with her life now and her boyfriend who she has been with for almost a year.   Why is that enough. Why do I still have hope. I really do wish I would have never met her I hope that someday I can move on from this.

I don’t expect anyone to respond the this post. I just need to talk. I’m going to get my $$$ in order and try to start counseling again soon. This is ridiculous. It’s gotten so bad where I think of the ultimate escape. The only way I can finally be at peace. I would never do that, but times like now it seems so nice of the thought of it.

Thanks for listening.

I’ll  stay In touch.

“Your ex may have loved you, John, but from what you’ve said, I’m not sure it was as much as you loved her.”

I think you are right about this.  I think she felt that way for the first half or so, but then started to not.  I think that i was more of an escape and stepping stone for her.  Like i said before, when we first met, she was still getting past her ex-husband issues.  Not missing him, but feeling like a failure and such to him and her kids.  She told me that she was just a hermit.  She didn’t expect anything to happen between us and it was hard to get her out of her shell for the first month  or two.  Once i did…. Well it was AMAZING.  But then i’m thinking for her i was just an escape from her life or reality.  After several months went by  I started to help out in her life and it was no longer seeing me to get away, it was me coming there and being involved in all her drama.

I think between all her drama and her flaking out on me so often, that’s one of the bigger things that caused me to be so insecure.

With all of that combined…  If you’re not really in love with someone like I was.  Then it is a hell of  a lot easier to let it go.  And especially if you have found a new bright shiny toy.  Another one that takes you away from this situation.

“So yes, focusing on your girlfriend this weekend is a GREAT idea.”

Well this weekend was a good and bad one.

We started off carving pumpkins friday after work.  That turned into a big disaster.  Her boy started acting up again.  Became a big huge mess.    Screaming and Crying…  After that Her and I got into a pretty nasty fight about other shit.  She was crying all night.  Saturday morning we talked a little bit.  Kind of made up a little Saturday, then Saturday night her and I was able to go out.  (my oldest daughter watched her kids for us).

Well that was tough.  For the first 15-30 minutes, it felt like a blind date.  we hardly even talked.  Then we started to talk and play pool. We ended up staying out till 2am.  we did have fun after a bit.  However she drank too much and on the way home she started to feel really bad and was throwing up when we got home.  So all day sunday she was hungover and hurting.

Her drinking like that is one thing that does kind of bother me.  I don’t mind drinking, or even getting wasted occasionally, but it feels like whenever we go do something she gets hammered. (i’ve done it too, so i’m not innocent either).  She just has done it quite a lot more often than me.

So this weekend…  Well lets just say it was up and down.  Now I’m back to watching all the kids by myself till friday.  This is the hardest for me.  This is when i begin to miss my old life really bad and miss my ex.

Part of me thinks i should of set certain standards for myself when i did start dating again.  One of them being someone that has similar schedule, no kids or has kids, but is flexible and isn’t “grounded” all the time.  And someone that is finically independent and secure (not a sugar mama-although that would be amazing.  LOL)  I think those were 3 of the bigger things i miss.  Having someone that we could do whatever.

I was thinking though Saturday night when we went out and it was awkward silence.  My ex and I never had that.  Being with her and around her felt so natural, we could converse about anything anytime.  I’m trying to keep telling myself that it was just because she was the “weekend” girlfriend.  It is coming up on 2 months since i’ve last messaged her though.  very hard not to want to do something.  So hard to just let her go.

My girlfriend told me Saturday night, that no matter what I do, she is not leaving me unless I tell her i am done.  I could basically cheat on her ( I wouldn’t, just an example) and she would stay.  That’s how much she loves me.  It sucks!  Why couldn’t/can’t I feel that same way towards her.  that’s exactly how I felt about my ex.

She was telling me all of this and that she see’s us spending our lives together.  I told her that i do love her, and I know how she feels.  And that i will do my best to make it work.  And I want the same.

It’s just very messed up to me how I fell like my roles were reversed.   Going from the insecure, needy, clingy boyfriend to now being the quite and isolated boyfriend that wants his time and not to be “bugged” all the time.  Where as before, i would of absolute loved it.

It’s tough because my girlfriend telling me these things and being this way really opens my eyes as to how I was with my ex and how it can get old and irritating to where it would turn you off and want less time together.

Dang!  I didn’t realize how much i was typing.  Need to get back to work.  thanks again for all input.

Still struggling, John.

Thanks. I haven’t let my girlfriend in emotionally. I want to but I stop myself.

I wont send the letter. I just hate having that guilt. Maybe to myself?  I don’t know. I’m trying to breathe and relax. I just feel like no matter what I do it all comes back to her.

I cried again this morning. I’m so tired of hurting like this.

I’m  trying to practice all the advice you all have given me. Thank u.

valora, thanks again.  It’s so refreshing to hear and talk with someone that has been through and struggled the same as me.

I do have her on a pedestal, i do know that.  I try to take her down, but then my stupid brain puts her right back up there.  I can’t explain it.  I still feel like i will never find someone that i connect with the way i did with her.

I want to move on so bad, that it consumes me.  I want to appreciate the woman i have now in my life.  she would do absolutely anything for me, and the fact that she is still here despite everything (I can’t remember if i told all of you she found out i was still talking to my ex before she blocked me again)  and my girlfriend is still there by my side.  Still loves me for me and just wants to make me happy.  I’m telling you it’s weird how much she reminds me of myself with my ex.  I think that’s what makes it difficult also.  Partly because my girlfriend has gotten insecure(like i was or still am about my ex.  And my girlfriend is constantly telling me how much she loves me and such.  Again the same thing i did with my ex.  It’s like a reminder of how I was and what i did to push my ex away.  Very confusing and difficult at times.   I know how my girlfriend feels because i felt-maybe still feel the same way about my ex.

the messed up thing is that I know if i would of met her before my ex, that there would be no question of  my love and devotion to her.  I would be head over heals.  But since i still have my ex there in my head, it’s like a block (or pedestal) i can’t break.  It doesn’t help that 5 nights a week, i’m raising her kids so she can work.  I get incredibly lonely without her there, then on the weekends we are so busy with other shit that we don’t get the time we need with each other like we need.

I heard another song and did cry again this morning.  I always feel a little better when i do though.  Although i still have this voice in the back of my head telling me that she will come back to me.  Maybe not tomorrow, next month, next year or even 5 years from now.  But someday she will.  I don’t know why i think that.  I know i have to be able to know and accept that she isn’t, like valora said, i need to be done and if it ever does happen i may not want her back.  I just can’t seem to get that through my head and heart.

I love that you all support and help me.  I really don’t know where i would be at with this help..  Thanks again.

The world and life is a screwed up thing.  Or at least that’s how it feels.  trying to make the best of everything.  This really does help.   Thanks again.

yes, it was exhausting.  For one, the day she was late, she said she was already on the freeway passing a town where the would of only been at most an hour and 10 minutes away not almost two hours.  However, If she was leaving his house (his town is about 20-40 minutes the opposite direction)  the travel time would have made since.

She always told me that she was completely honest with me and never lied about anything, but i think she did.  there were different versions of the wedding weekend that she told me.  Then when we talked after we broke up I asked her about her boyfriend and it felt like she was dishonest about that.  I asked her why she made it public on FB about her relationship status and she said “it was a long story, a mistake.”  Like she didn’t mean to do it, however I know that you have to deliberately go in there to your settings and change your status to “public” for anyone to see that(not something that happens by mistake), which with me she never did.  When i was with her and asked her to, she told me that “I know that i’m with you, that is enough isn’t it?”  like she didn’t want it to be known.  She didn’t even have it so “friends” could see when i was with her.  In fact, i think she changed her status when she needed a break or before.  Because i remember looking at mine during that time and mine just said in a relationship, but not with who, and i was able to “ask” her on FB again to do that.  She asked me, “did you take me off?”.  which i didn’t so she had to be the one that did.

And then when i also asked her about her boyfriend, i asked when she met and it got serious, and she said, they met in the beginning of December, and really didn’t start dating until Jan or Feb.  Well i was a stalker.  I already new they were serious from some of the meme’s that she had posted on FB and he responded too.  Another thing is in her relationship status, it says they’ve been “in a relationship” since the day they supposedly met.  It kind of all is sinking in now and all makes sense.

I remember when she broke up with me, she still wanted to be friends and be civil.  We remained friends on FB, until one day only a couple weeks in she unfriended me out of the blue.  Then when we did meet to exchange our stuff, she gave me back everything.  Even a pic of me and my girls.  I would think that someone that wanted to remain friends and still cared for us would of liked to keep that, not give it back?  This was one week after she supposedly met him for the first time.

There was also a couple meme’s on her FB that i saw right after she unfriended me.  One said ” If someone is meant to be in your life, they will gravitate back to you” and it had a pic of a guy and gal with hearts going back and forth, and another said something about how penguins search for the perfect rock to give the one they choose for life and it had hearts and shit all over it.  She posted these before she supposedly met him….

I’m really getting the picture, i think.  I could be completely wrong, however…  I think maybe this is someone she knew from her past(he does live down there and is a small town, and his nephew is friends of FB with her son) that she may have bumped into or something, then maybe they started messaging on FB before the wedding.  Or maybe just after.  But that would explain why she stopped talking to me, like she was confused and had a spark with him as well.  Something new and exciting…  When we took our break, i’m 99.9% sure she was talking to someone on FB messenger.  And the way she acted and behaved and the things she did text to me was like she had guilt about something.

So yes, she wasn’t always “completely honest” with me.  If she was another thing she would of told me when we took a break was that how she was feeling about me.  How she felt i was needy and controlling and all of that.  instead of constantly telling me “it had nothing to do with me”  even when we broke up she said that it had nothing to do with me(which was a lie) and said that she wasn’t meant for a relationship, which was a lie, because she was in one a month later.  I really think either one of the two things happened.  Either she did do something on the wedding weekend that she shouldn’t have, and couldn’t get past it, or that she had met him before we were broke up and developed feelings for him, which is understandable.

It hurts but it is understandable.  He is a single man, no kids, successful, lives in the same town, independent and does his thing(he is big into fishing and camping).

Where as I have my kids half the time(she loved my girls, but it was hard to work around them for most of our relationship because my schedule with them was screwy for almost all of our relationship. )  I had my girls Sunday thru Tuesday, off wed, on thursday thru tuesday, off wed thru sat, then repeat.  That was for the first 10 months of our relationship.  Which was very difficult, cause i had to be back in town every sunday by 8AM to pick up my girls.  It wasn’t until all the drama with her son hit that my ex-wifes work schedule changed and i was able to start doing week on and week off.  Which i did make my ex feel guilty because said “it’s ironic, now that i have full weekends free, you are dealing with all of your sons stuff”  I know i shouldn’t of said that, but i was hurt and upset that i kept getting pushed aside.

I have a good career, but i’m not doing “well” for myself.  I struggle from time to time, so i wasn’t able to do whatever whenever.  Although, I always made it happen when we wanted to do something.

I do live an hour and a half away, so there was no “lets go have dinner” or whatever at the last minute, It was very hard to “wing it” like she liked to do.

I was independent, i did my own thing and with my friends, but i did change, I stopped hanging out with my friends and stopped being myself, doing my things.  I sacrificed everything that was my life so i could spend any moment possible with her.  I know that that is unattractive, and you lose interest when someone gets that way.  When someone quits being confident and independent.  When we met and for a long period, i did my own thing and had my own life.  I quit that and made everything about her, if i wasn’t seeing her or anything, then i would do nothing and i would be poopy and make her feel guilty.

In a lot of ways, i can see how if she did get involved with someone else.  I can’t blame her.  I can blame her though for not communicating and being completely honest with me though about how she felt.  I even asked her about me being that way and she would still say, it had nothing to do with me…

So yes, i don’t think she was as honest as she says she was.  She even told me that they were not serious and it wasn’t a real relationship, but when i asked her later on if she was in love with him and he made her happy she said yes.  So that to me means she was lying again.  Like she would say things to keep me at bay, just in case.

Like i’ve said and you have told me.  I will never know the whole truth.  I wish so bad that i could sit down with her and asked her these questions that run through my head every day and have her talk to me in person.  It’s very easy not to tell the truth over a text message…  And it doesn’t do my any good to speculate and dwell on it.  It is very frustrating and difficult though.  I know deep in my heart if she could of actually talked to me face to face and told me exactly what was happening between us before it got to this point and even if she had met someone else, i could of worked on my issues and possibly made it better.

Hindsight is a bitch right?  I do wish so bad that i could go back to that summer and re-live everything knowing what  i do know now though.  So bad…  it plagues me every day. Even back to Labor day weekend.  That was the first time i felt something was wrong and i even asked her about it, she said we would take later, but we never did.  it was then that i should have made a point to have dinner or something with her during the week and actually talked to her.  That was my fault for being to scared and cowardly to bring it up.

Meanwhile, I am and still will try to focus on what i have now.  maybe someday i will have a day when i can look back and be happy for the time i did have and not be sorry and regretful for how it all ended…

Thanks you guys so  much.  This really helps me.  I do still miss her so though.  Very hard to dismiss that feeling and the love i still feel for her.