I had a pretty good weekend.  My oldest daughter had her baby shower at my house.  that went good.  then watched football with my friends afterwards.  That was something my ex never did.  I never asked her though either i supposed.

Sunday we went to the pumpkin patch with all the kiddos and met my girlfriends family there.  It was fun too.  Although, i was still having thoughts in the back of my head.  This last weekend was the last time I was a with my ex.

It had me thinking about everything.  The whole relationship, and about that last weekend together.  I know i shouldn’t dwell on the things I should of or shouldn’t of done, but it’s really hard not to.

A year ago, I was supposed to spend the whole weekend at her house.  She asked me a week earlier, what i wanted to do, when i wanted to come down (we had a halloween party to go to on sat night).  Of course i wanted to come down on friday.  I even told her though, “you decide”.  She still left it up to me.  So yes i said i would be down after work friday afternoon.  I was going to get there by the time she got off work.  I was so excited. I got off at 2:30, was going to go home and be out the door by 3:00.  That would of put me there about the same time she got home from work.

Man, i couldn’t sit still.  I was counting minutes till i got off work.  I was super pumped to see her for a full weekend.

Well.  At 1:45, she texted me.  “I’m not feeling it tonight, can you come down tomorrow instead”  Something like that.  WOW!  that stopped my in my tracks.  WTF i was thinking.  I was hurt and confused.  Why would she tell me it’s up to me, then change it at the last minute.  I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t want to see me.  So i was upset and she knew it.  Then she got pissed at me, “I don’t know why you get so butthurt”.  We talked later that night.  I told her exactly why.  I told her i was looking forward to seeing her all day, counting the time, just waiting until i got to head down, and at the last moment “you’re not feeling it” .  I told her “it’s okay” again, which i shouldn’t have, i should of told her i didn’t understand.  And that it’s not fair to me for her to flake out like that.  I should have told her how i really felt.  But i didn’t.  I was a weak coward, afraid of starting any kind of conflict(which looking back may have been just what we needed).  I really should have said something to her.  instead i was just a doormat, like she had  told me before.  Well i waited till  the next day.  I didn’t hurry like i normally do and she flicked me shit.  she figured i would of been up at the crack of dawn and on my way.

Looking back on that day or weekend, there were so many signs.  I was a fool and didn’t choose to see them.  Even the weekend before, she came up and there were signs then.

Really thinking back on it all.  I really do think she had started seeing someone.  Not intentionally, something just happened and I think she was trying to go back and forth to see what she really needed/wanted.  Cause the weekend before, she texted me on my way.  It took her almost two hours to get to my house after that.  When she got there, i gave her shit.  “took long enough”  i was just kidding though, then she told me she texted me after she was already on the freeway.  Which left over 1/2 hour that she had of mystery time.  I really felt like she was seeing someone and left later than she thought.  That she texted me when she was leaving his house and stayed a little longer or something.  Just like the next friday when she told me she wasn’t feeling it.  Like she ended up seeing someone else that night.  or ended up making plans to at the last moment.  I may be wrong though.  Just one of those things that i will always wonder about.

So back to that weekend….  I decided not to rush there the next day and then when i got there later than she anticipated it felt like she wanted me there earlier.  Very confusing.  She seemed distant and different the whole time.  Like she was pushing me to want to fight.  again, i was a coward and let it be.  I don’t know if she was testing me or just done at that point and tried of me being a push over.  I don’t know if i can ever forgive myself for not being myself though and standing up like i should of.

We went out that night and it was a good night until the end.  We ended up fighting over something stupid.  Went home to her house, both of us upset and went to bed.  Not the night i was anticipating.  The next day neither of us brought it up, which again i wish i would of and talked to her.  I feel like that was the last real chance i had of making things better.  Asking her what was going on and what i needed to do to help things get better.  But no!  I was still a coward.  I was so afraid to bring it up in fear of losing her.  I did ask her if I was staying over that night and she said no.  so i played it cool and was okay with it.  Then when i started packing up to go home around 6PM, she got upset because she thought i was leaving.  She said she almost started crying.  so i ended up staying until 9:30 that night.  I think looking back on it, she knew she was done and me leaving was the last time we were going to see each other and that’s why she was upset.

I am really trying to do everything you all have told me and been trying to teach me.  It is so hard though.  So hard to just let go like you said Valora.  I still have this hope that if i do this or that that someday she will come back.  It hurts so much.  I have so many regrets that i cannot get past no matter what i try.  This by far has been one of the worst days for me in a long time.

I am sorry to keep on repeating myself and sounding like a broken record, but when i can express myself to you all, it does help me some.  God it hurts though.  I think that one of the things that hurts the most is knowing she is happy now with out me in her life.  I wish i could get inside her head and see if she does miss me at all or what we did have.

It hurts really bad today.  I absolutely hate this.   I wish so much that i could just have one day or even half a day without thoughts of her.

I am trying so hard to not think about her.  How do you not love someone like that anymore.  i don’t get it.  i really don’t.  She could of told me that she fucked around on me a couple times or even dated someone for a bit while with me and i still would have taken her back.  I just don’t understand that.  I hate that i’m like this.

Thanks again for listening.  Sorry again about being this way.  I’m  sure you all are tired of hearing…  I do appreciate you all though.  I need to try to focus on work.

Yes, no contact is definitely something i need to do.  I know that every time i would text her before, i would get that hope and glimmer of light that maybe, just maybe she will miss me and come back.

” I also learned that it’s so, so important to have those kinds of conversations in person and not through written text.”

I agree, that was one of her down falls.  No matter how much i wanted to talk, she wouldn’t.  I asked her several times just to talk to me and let me know what’s going on, that being in the dark was the worst feeling ever.  It felt like she never wanted to share what was on her mind.   When we did talk, i made sure to thank her and tell her i felt better.

“You might just be too blinded by the idealistic image you have in your head of your ex to see what you really have now”

I agree to this big time.  I think this is one of my bigger problems.  I had almost a fantasy life/relationship with my ex.  Everytime we were together(or almost everytime) we were doing something fun and adventurous.  Even from when we first met.  Not even a month in we went and watched a XMAS light parade, then went and looked at lights, then a couple weeks later i hosted a New years eve party, then the next weekend we went and played at the coast and stayed the night at a casino, a week or two later we went riding.  It was non-stop for the most part.  I really had a lot of fun with her all the time that I was with her and she had fun too.  Now…  I feel like that was just a dream fantasy.  That that isn’t normal and possible, especially with my girlfriend’s work schedule, finacial situation, and having her kiddos full time all the time.  I know i need to find things that we can do that break up this prison feel i get.

We do have fun together and do fun things.  some as simple as staying up late and playing cards.  I know she would love to do all those things like i used to also, it’s just not in the cards right now and i think that is one of my harder obstacles right now.  Learning the struggle again of having things in the way or preventing that.

It is very hard not to compare.  I try not to, but sometimes, i can’t help it.  Specially on friday’s.  That’s when i usually had a fun weekend planned.  Now…  just feels like the same ole grind and nothing exciting.  I know it’s up to me to change that and i’m trying.

Yes being on here does make me think for the rest of the day about it.  I think one of my bigger problems is every morning on the way to work i would think of her, then get to work and look on here.  then bam!  thinking about it all day.  I do think i will start taking a break from this site.  Sucks though, i really enjoy talking to all of you and trying to hear what you all are telling me.  I think in the long run it does help, but on a daily basis, it just prolongs my pain.

“Lastly… I just want you to know that what you’re feeling is normal. My ex and I broke up 2 days from now last year and I still think about him every single day and tons of things remind me of him”

Thanks for this.  It really made me feel better.  I did recently text a lady i went on a couple dates with and she was with someone that she felt the same as me.  Absolute bliss.  That ended badly as well.  it’s been a couple years for her.  I asked her the other night if she still thinks about him “every day and as long as she breathes” is what she told me.  ( I told her about my situation).  It was reassuring in a weird way that others have felt the same.

That being said, i really hope that i’m still not thinking about her everyday for much longer, cause that tears me up inside.  Some days, not bad, but days like to day…  I was hurting for all of my work day.  I started feeling better about an hour or two ago.

I will keep you posted.  thanks again.  for everything.

I had a busy night.  I was watching all the kids.  ages 7,8,9 &12.  Two are mine and two are my girlfriends.  she had to work swing/grave last night.  So between kids homework, cleaning, dinner, cleaning again, laundry, getting kids to bed, ect…  I was exhausted by the time i was done and crashed.

Valora, I read your posts this morning.  WOW!  Very insightful.   It does seem like we had similar situations.  you are right.  I need to quit asking what ifs and such.  I do still do that occasionally(once a day 🙁  ).  I will go through a minute where i think if i would of just done this or that.  But the truth is (which i don’t like to accept-I like to blame myself) that she never came to me and talked.  I mean she may have said or texted things hinting to this, but she never really talked to me and told me these things so we could work on them.  So maybe she wasn’t in love with me like i was her.  So maybe it wasn’t “meant to be”.

I keep telling myself that, but i do get sucked back in, thinking that ‘only if ‘ i would have given her the space she needed….  Which yes maybe that would of helped,  but then again maybe it would of just prolonged our relationship and ended up the same anyways.

I really try to stay positive and think good things.  It is hard though.  I do wish that i would of stayed alone for quite some time after she left me.  I was so heart broken and desperate, I jumped into what ever I could find to get me by.  I was bouncing from woman to woman for a few months before I met my girlfriend I have now.  I never gave myself the solitude i should of had, but then again.  i don’t think i would of lasted on my own.  If i didn’t have that distraction of other woman, i may have really done bad things.

Yes i do want to contact her again.  But you’re right.  What would it do?  what would it give me?  If anything, I think if she did respond and talk to me, it would trick my mind into thinking that she does want me someday.  Just like when i was talking to her before.  It will have been two months since our last message in the beginning of November.  Coincidently, we met Nov, 7 2017 and broke up Nov, 9 2018.  Timing….  One thing i was bad at.  I did say or do things at the worst time possible.  That was another one of  the things that contributed…  Here I am  doing it again.  It’s so hard not to blame myself.  I try though.  I try to think of all the times that she let me and my girls down.  For example, my 12 year old daughter is in band and she has a band concert on 12/3 every year at an event center.  Last year I asked my ex to go with me.  It was on a work night so she would of had to stay the night or go home really late(which no matter how many times she said she would, she never stayed at my house on a work night).  She said she would go.  Then she found out that her son was going to be leaving that same day for the marines and she told me that she won’t be in a good state of mind to go to my daughters concert or stay with me.  That should of been a clue for me then.  I get it that watching your baby leave for boot camp is hard.  But is it so bad that you cancel on your other family and don’t want the support of your boyfriend after he is gone?  Or want him to be there with you when you say goodbye?

Then again, those were moments that i do regret.  Those were the moments that i “took it smiling”  instead of telling her how i felt.  I just said “it’s okay, I understand”  which it wasn’t okay and i didn’t understand, not to me because she has already committed, then flaked.  not to my daughter cause it was important to her.  Not to any of us.  Thats when my ex was selfish.  I think back on moments like that and think about the things I should of said and stood up for myself, even if it hurt her.  Instead i was the one always getting hurt and acting like it was okay.

Dang, sorry to just unload like that.  I’m way off purpose here.

Well i’m going to take some time for myself.  i can’t do what your are saying 2-3 weeks off.  Because of my girlfriends new work schedule.  I am basically watching her kids from sunday through thursday nights after work so she can work.  I do agree with you though about being able to let go before  i can feel love again like i did before.  What’s screwed up is that i was doing good.  I was slowly getting better, then i contacted my ex back in the spring and that started everything all over again, the hope, the false signals, everything.  Even though she was with someone, she would even word things like “it wasn’t real” or “we’ll see what happens.”  My girlfriend pointed out to me that she is the type of woman that likes to keep one at bay.  Like she would say or do enough, just to let me think that there may be a chance someday in case things failed with her now, she would have a back up.  Or just a close friend to fall on.  Maybe that was true, Maybe when we first started talking it brought up feelings that caused conflict in her..  I dunno.  I do know i think way too much.

I really don’t know where i’m going with all of this.  I do know that yesterday i had an episode and it only lasted about an hour.  Which was great.  sometimes it lasts from the time i wake up until the time i go to sleep.  I did think about her on the way to work again today, but after i write to you guys, that all seems to fade out.  So thanks for this btw.

I’m going to really try to focus on the good in my life.  Going to try to tell myself all the things that my ex did that hurt me when i start feeling regrets and thinking it’s all my fault.  I’m going to do everything i can to let go.  It is reassuring that people like you have and still are going through similar situations.  Like i’m not alone.  Thanks for sharing that with me.  I need to get to work though, been her for 1/2 hour typing on my computer to you guys.  Please any more input is greatly valued.  I will keep in contact.  thanks again Valora, anita, and brandy 🙂

I did look at old pics i have stored in a cloud account thought the other day.  I will say this, when i look at those, she doesn’t look as pretty as I remember her being.  It’s hard to explain.  I remember whenever i would see her pics before, i couldn’t get over how beautiful i thought she was.  now she looks normal.  I guess when you are deep in love like i was, you see all beauty?  weird….

I think yes and no.  the Chase is exciting, but with my ex, I did think she was fully committed.  We just only got to see each other on the weekends and once during the week every couple weeks.  However, we did talk and text all the time.  So it didn’t feel like much of a chase.  The only reason we did not move in together is because we lived over an hour apart and with each of our kids it was impractical. ( although i think back and i could of made it work and i wish i would have.)  I was never bored or not “alive” no matter when or how long we had time together.  I was always into the moment.  even if it was just walking the beach for hours.  I didn’t care, i was just happy to be there with her.

I just smothered her, that’s why it all happened and ended.  One of the last things she said to me last time we messaged was that i became insecure and needy.  I started to get controlling and demanding.  Which was true.  I did and it caused be to be that way.  I lost confidence in myself and I know from my own experience that having someone that gets like that makes them unattractive and gets irritating to where you don’t want to be with them and when you finally do get a break it feels like a weight off your shoulders.  I wish i could of saw that when i was doing it though.  unfortunately all i saw was that if i show her how much i love her and everything i’m willing to do that she we feel special and want me more.  I just went overboard and lost my cool, became a spineless wimp that couldn’t do anything for myself or stand up for myself.  who wants that in a man?

enough about that though.  Yesterday i had a couple hits to the heart.  The first one is that i forgot to delete a calendar event i had on my computer/phone.  It was a reminder a few weeks in advance about the first day we physically met.  NOV  7.  that was awesome!, then last night i must of missed deleting a pic on Facebook from a year ago.  I got one of those “memories” things on there about our last weekend trip to the coast.  It was a picture of the beach and sunset from our room.  It was an amazing weekend, but it was the last full weekend together.  And that was the weekend i should of snapped out of it and stood up like a man and made her tell me what was really going on, instead i just was “okay” with everything.  Never told her what i thought when i should of.  I think that was my real last opportunity to save our relationship.  I knew there was something more than she was saying, i was too scared to bring it up though.  If i could turn back time…  Sher had it right.  lol.

anyways.  seeing both of those kind of sucked, but it wasn’t as bad as i thought.  It has been a month and a half since our last contact.  So hopefully things will be getting back on track with me soon.  I think i will always miss her deeply though and i just have to learn how to deal with that and not make it a thing that ruins or consumes my day.  damn mud balls….  haha

thanks brandy,

I really can’t wait for the day  i can wake up and not think about my past.  It is really hard.  There are some days (like this morning) when thoughts creep in my head about the littlest details.  The color of her skin or sound of her voice, or even just the feel of her touch when she was laying next to me.  I really do hate it that i can’t have one morning without her there in my head.  I do really miss her.  I know that some of you guys think that I was more in love with that life or that type of person and that it’s the rejection thing I can’t handle.  I really do believe that i did/do love her with a deep true love that is a rare and beautiful thing.  At the same time though it is a curse.

If you all don’t  mind, i would like to blah, blah blah for a minute, I think this really helps me.

I remember, before i met her.  I would go to weddings, whatever, was even married for 13 years (I think).  And through all of that and my entire past, i never felt that way about anybody or events like weddings.  What i mean about weddings, is that i would go and watch and the groom would get all emotional and shit, sometimes start to cry.  I always wondered, why the hell is he crying?  I did’t at my wedding, not even close.  It almost was just another day to me.  It was a special day, but it wasn’t a day I could of lived without.

After I met her,(i think i may have told you this already?) I was driving around town.  this was only a few months if that after i met her.  I heard a song come on the radio.  I instantly saw her and I having our “first dance” as a married couple in my head.  It was crazy!  It was the most amazing feeling I have ever had.  I think that was the day i realized how much I had fallen in love with that woman.  How much that I have finally been able to give my heart to someone and have that feeling.  We went to a wedding together later on, and I got a little emotional.  I thought it was beautiful.  Two people so in love and committing to each other like that.   I Never in my life looked at it like that.  Not even my own wedding.  It was crazy.  All i wanted at that point was for her to be my wife and accept me as hers forever.  Which on that day(only two months before all went bad), it felt like she wanted the same thing.  But as you have all pointed out, i probably was seeing through clouded vision.

I guess when someone is that in love, that they only do see what they want.  Like me.  I only saw the parts where she was happy and showed me how much she did love me.  I didn’t see the parts where she was scared or afraid of how much i did love her and the parts where she did need to slow down and needed me to “hang on loosely” like the song from 38 special.  (I heard that song shortly after we split up and it stopped me in my tracks.  I thought when i heard that song, this describes what happened exactly) .

My vision was so clouded with how I felt and what I saw, i never saw how she really felt.  She even told me and I brushed it off.  I remember more than once when i told her how much i loved her, i asked her “does that scare you” and she said yes, a little bit.  I didn’t even think about it.  i thought that she was scared because she felt the same way.  Now i’m thinking she was scared because she wasn’t there yet and I as already pushing too much.  She told me to “breathe” so many times i can’t count.  And i still didn’t.  I couldn’t.  All i could think about was me and how much I needed to see her, talk to her, be with her, be the only thing in her life.  I was so naive.  I know if I would of listened to her.  If i would of “let it happen” instead of trying so hard to make it happen.  And if i would of breathed, and not made her the center of my world. that things would of ended up differently.  Who wants that type of responsibility or pressure?  To be under pressure that anything you do or say might hurt the person you are with, even if it’s nothing at all and you just need a day to yourself?  she even told me once ” i can’t be responsible for your happiness”.  I couldn’t see that, i only saw “why doesn’t she want to talk to me, or see me”.

DANG!  I really wish that i could of seen this and my behavior before it was too late.  Even after we broke up and when i was still talking to her, i would feel that way.  If she wouldn’t answer a message, i would wait a half a day or so, then message again!  like a freak!  Thinking about it, if i was her and my ex was like that with me, i would of blocked them too.

I guess through all of this, I’m kind of seeing more of the whole picture.  Did she love me and was she in love with me?  Yes of coarse she was.  However, I “loved” her too much!  What i mean by that is that I did smother her and push her away.  I couldn’t give her two minutes of peace with out me.  I detached from my own world and life completely and made her my everything all the time.  When i should of remained the same and continued with my every day and just included her in it.  I think about our timeline.  When everything was really good.  I was still doing my thing.  And when it did start to fall apart, If i wasn’t seeing her or whatever, i would stay home and be depressed, instead of getting out with my friends or my girls and doing something on my own.

This is crazy.  I guess i was obsessed with her.  She was my “ring” my “precious” and I lost my shit because of it.  I couldn’t handle it.

I do know that I miss her terribly still and probably will for a while.  I am really beginning to accept that I may never totally get over her and not miss her.  I may never feel like that bout anybody else again. BUT.  I need to make the best of what i have.  Like my girlfriend now.  It’s not an “ideal” situation.  It’s completely opposite of what i had with my ex.  But it can be a really good thing too.  I can have a warm and loving family everyday.  I have someone at home that just wants to make me happy and love me for who i am, flaws and all.  And i do love her.  I just don’t love all the stress and drama we have at this moment, but a lot of that is my own doing.

So i’m trying.  I working on this everyday.  yes, i close my eyes and I see images of my ex or memories or intimate times together, and that is hard, it does hurt, and  it makes me sad.  But i have to just push through and make those new memories with my girlfriend I have now.

I am trying.  It is incredibly hard, but i am.  I do hope  i can get to a day where one day, i wake up and don’t think about what could have been, about a time that i was with “her” and i only think about my day and the one i am with now.

Whew!  well i should get to work!, been here for 40 minutes now thinking and typing all of this!  yikes.  Thanks for listening again.  I know i’m a broken record, but it really does help.

thanks brandy.

Well yesterday was a bad one, especially last night.  I really fell apart.  It’s amazing how this woman still has control over me.   this morning was good though.  I was thinking about everything, about how are relationship was when it was “good”.  How much we texted and talked to each other through the entire day.  With my relationship now.  I don’t feel like i “need” to be in contact with my girlfriend on a regular basis non-stop. With my ex, if i didn’t hear from her all the time, then i would get insecure and needy.  I don’t think that that is how it should be.  We both have lives to live, and with my ex.  She had a busy one with lots of drama between work, kids, money, family, and her ex-husband.  She just got to a point where she didn’t have the time or energy to be able to keep that up.  Where i did.  I literally went home every night and didn’t do much at all, so she was my thing that kept me busy.  When she wasn’t available, i lost it.  Every single time.  I would get all depressed and feel like she didn’t want to talk to me or be with me.  Then when i got like that, i made her feel guilty and like she was a disappointment to me.  Who could live in a relationship feeling like that?

So i guess todays realization for me is that, it’s not about me all the time:(  I hope that this thought stays with me.

As for my girlfriend now.  I’m going to stick it out.  We have only just started, it is still fresh and things might get better.  I’m sure they will get harder at first, but i do love her and it is worth the effort to try.  I don’t want to give up on her and her kids because of my issues.  If things don’t get better or I still feel this way down the road, then that will be the time that we have a talk.  She really is an amazing woman and has stuck with me through all my drama and heartache feeling like she has been the 2nd woman in my life.  I owe her and i that much to give it a solid try.

yeah, it’s very hard adjusting to that lifestyle once you’ve had a taste for 3 years of my old one.  Specially since one of those years was actually living an exciting and outgoing life.  Like “oh! this is what it’s supposed to be like!”, then it all goes to me feeling grounded and not having the fun or freedom I used to, and feeling financially strapped all the time…