I am glad that a lot of my issues have been brought to my attention.  I am thankful for that.

Wishing i never met her refers to the pain and hurt i have felt for the last year and still feeling.  It’s very defeating and crushes me at times.  it does come and go, for instance.  I was in a good mood all morning.  happy, enthusiastic, energetic, positive.  Then after my lunch i was driving back to work and it’s a beautiful day and going to be a beautiful weekend, so my brain went there.  Went to the place of when i used to take off and her and i would go do something fun and romantic for the weekend, just the two of us.  I’m trying to push through this one.  It’s not as bad as yesterdays.

I’ll try to do this.  I’m writing down some things now to keep with me.  I know one thing. I’m so tired of waking up every single morning and thinking about her.  I have a feeling i’ll be caring a whole lot of balloons for a while.  Just because i am kind of OCD ish.  I’m really trying.  I do turn off the radio or change the station a lot anymore, because there are so many songs that remind me of her.  Especially Faithfully, seems like that one has been on a lot.  I have to turn the station real fast.  That one really tugs at my heart.  there is a lyric in it that talks about learning to love each other all over again.  When i hear that, my mind goes into overload thinking that someday….  Someday maybe 10 years from now we will be together again.  I know it’s all crap and isn’t meant to be (if it was, then she would have really talked to me about everything before it was too late).  However, I still get those feelings.

I’m going to really try to do this.  I think the hardest thing is hurting as much as i do daily.  I miss her so much.  I don’t understand that.  How can i miss somebody like this for this long.  Especially when i have someone else?

Damn!  I’m crying again.

I’m confident and strong right!  I will make those notes now and put in my pocket.  I need to get past this.  Hurting like this every day is going to kill me.  It’s no way to live.

well i don’t know if this had to do with anything.  but i was talking to my ex still via messenger.  apparently i’m still how  i was.  Needy and clingy(which you all pretty much told me).  She told me i’m still saying one thing and doing another and we can’t be friends.  Then blocked me.  I guess i don’t know how to not talk to her without telling her how i feel.  very frustrating.  To top it off, my girlfriend found out and read some of the messages.  There was nothing bad, but the fact that i was still talking to her upset my girlfriend pretty bad.   She is still sticking it out though.  I really wish that i could freaking let go of my ex.  It still hurts everyday.  I think it hurts most knowing that she is with another guy that has a lot of traits that i do.  Except for being needy.

my girlfriend messaged my ex.  And my ex told her that i was insecure and became overbearing and controlling.  She said i have a good heart, but i have issues.

What’s funny (not haha funny) is that i wasn’t that way for a long time, until she started to pull away from me when she was dealing with all of her other shit in her life.  I know it’s my fault for being like that, and i knew that i was getting that way when i was, but i couldn’t help it.  I just made things worse and still did.  even after and we started first talking again, i think i became too needy again and should of kept my feelings inside and “played the game”. Looking back, when ever i did bring up to her how much i did love her, she even told me it was a little hard to take.  God, why couldn’t of i just backed off.  I know what you have all told me, maybe it was a big thing to do with abandonment and when she did pull away, i panicked and smothered her instead of being my own man and letting her be.

I still do love her.  I’m still in love with her.  I really don’t feel like that will ever end.

on the other side my girlfriend and I are doing are best to work through this.  I love her too, i’m not in love with her like  I was my ex.  Bought i’m hoping that will change with time.  She is  a good woman and wants nothing but for us to be happy.

I’m really trying to stop thinking about my ex.  It’s so tough though.  It was a year yesterday since she went to that wedding and when everything changed between us.  It’s crazy to me how i can still feel this way about her.  I would still do anything to go back in time and fix what i screwed up.  I would give my soul if i could.  I feel so pathetic and weak.  I want to be a strong confident  man again, now i feel so insecure.

I feel so messed up.  In the back of my head, no matter what my ex says or does that someday we will meet again and things will be good. I really wish i could just forget.  It plagues me so bad every single day.  I still cry on occasion.  I’m trying to listen and practice what you all have told me.  it’s hard, though.  So hard.  when you heart aches so much and knowing that you caused it and possibly had an opportunity to change it and then made things worse.  I feel incapable of being able to love like i should with anyone but my ex.

I’m not trying to be dramatic, just telling you all how i feel.

I am afraid that i may have made the wrong decision with my girlfriend.  I read an article about getting over your ex.  And one of the things was to fantasize about the perfect woman, someone that I really want.  Looks, profession, hobbies, habits, ect.  Then only look for that person.  With my girlfriend there are things that hold me back.  Her having kids 24/7, she isn’t really established with her career and struggles, and she isn’t the exact body type that I desire.  But we do click good and get a long good.  I hope that can get past those things.  I’m going to stick it out and make the best of it, if it does’t work, then i will move on.

Ugh!, i feel like a douche though.

Hi there.  Well it kind of stung a bit reading that last reply.  I’ll do the best i can to answer all of this.  If i am understanding this right, it sounds like i’m self absorbed??

about this “there is some truth to what you say, or you restate something that the person wrote to you, giving the impression that you heard the person and consider what you heard.”

I think you are right.  I have been told i say what the others want to hear.  I know i did that with my Ex-girlfriend a lot.  I was too afraid to tell her how i really felt, so i thought i would keep it inside and tell her what I thought she wanted to hear.  That didn’t end the way I wanted it to.

“you don’t get aggressive, you respond kindly enough and that keeps the person motivated to post to you again”

I have noticed that i’m not much of a leader per say.  More of a go with the flow kind of guy.  That is something that has always bothered me about myself.  It’s like i would rather take it and harbor, and do whatever instead of standing up for myself and actually doing or saying what i really want.  It’s like I do avoid confrontation.  I don’t think i have any confidence in myself.

“Throughout your thread you expressed no insight as to who your ex girlfriend was, nothing about her thoughts, feelings, motivations, values. You listed some details about her life, that is all, dry details.”

Well my ex-girlfriend is warm and caring.  She loves the simple things.  Things like just going and just walking on the beach or watching sea lions.  She would get so excited and just loved that.  She is very loving.  The way she would look at me or just be with me and hold my hand.  Her laugh… ooh when i could get her laughing it was amazing.  She is funny, her sense of humor was incredible.  Again, the little things would make her laugh and smile.  Oh that smile!  and her eyes!  I loved the look she would get with things as silly as seeing seagulls.  She would get so animated and excited.  “look how big they are!”  little things like that.  Sitting with her just watching dumb ass movies…  we would both just lay there and watch till the end, waiting for them to get better and they never would.  How much she loved being with my girls and doing things with them.  You could tell just by looking at her that she really enjoyed it and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.  We would play games with them, take them to the coast or to the lake.  She would help them and she  loved it.  It’s hard to put it all into words, but she is truly a wonderful, loving, caring woman.  It’s hard to put it all into words.  I did really feel connected to her in a big way.  we did get along amazing.  She even told me that “it was amazing when we were on the same page”.  I lost control and became so insecure whenever something didn’t pan out that i became needy and clingy and wouldn’t let it be instead of just believing her.

I did/do love everything about her.  And i thought she did me.  I have been in and out of contact with her.  the last time I irritated her again.  She said i kept assuming things.  And from the sounds of what you have all told me, i don’t think she is wrong.  I wonder if that may have been one of the contributing factors to our break up, is that when something wouldn’t work out, i couldn’t believe why  the reason was she told me and i would make up or assume other reasons in my head and believe them and begin to doubt her.  Even texting her recently i still did it.  If she didn’t answer i would assume i pissed her off or something.

“repeat what they say here and there, say something to indicate you heard them, but you don’t see them, don’t hear them, don’t know them.”

You are very right here.  I do do that.  looking back and even just recently, if i say something and it causes any kind of conflict, i immediately retract my words and rephrase that.  My current girlfriend has even told me that I don’t listen to her.  In fact my ex girlfriend told me when we broke up that “I hear what i want to hear”

I know what you’ve told me and i do agree with a  lot of it.  I am trying so hard to fix this about myself.  I want to be that guy that is happy, that doesn’t need other people or things to make me happy.  But i’m not.  I do feel needy all the time.  Maybe it does stem back to my childhood and fear of rejection.

I do appreciate everything.  As hard as some of this is to read, i do.

Hi all. I didn’t fall off the earth. Just needed some time. I’m trying to take everything in. I do hear everything you all are telling me. I’ve had some time to process all of this. I think there is some truth in what you have all said.

I think that I’m just forever in love with my ex and I don’t think that will ever change. (At least at this point). I have been dating and I have done things that are fun and exciting. But the fact is that I still miss her and think about her every day. I’ve gone camping, riding, trips to the coast for the day, car shows, all kinds of stuff that I love and that we used to do. But no matter who it’s with or how much fun I do have. I still end up remembering her and missing her. I just don’t get butterflies anymore with anyone I have dated. And I’ve been putting myself out there. There is the initial excitement but nothing lasts. I have come to accept that I am in love with a woman that I will never be with again. It hurts and there are still days that I breakdown and cry. But I am happier with myself. There are tough days still and I will always have some hope that someday she will contact me and want to meet or talk. But I know the reality is that it is over and she has moved on and started a new life without me. I am doing my best to do the same. In fact I have been dating someone for a little while now that I do have feelings for. They are not as strong or the same as I have my ex. But I honestly don’tt think that I ever willl experience that again. I have a strong belief that loving someone like that only happens once in a lifetime. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this one will turn into something the same or more or maybe down the road I will meet someone that turns my world upside down. Until then I’m going to have to be happy for what she did give me. I can’t wait for the day though that I can look back and smile and feel good about the time we had together and not be sad because it didn’t last.

I found out my sisters long term relationship went to shit also.  She is not the needy type though, just the opposite, very independent and strong.  She has always been driven and goal minded.  Which makes sense to me because she has always had to be the one to take care of me growing up.

Yes i get angry at my mom sometimes.  In fact i was talking to a friend last night about it and said i really don’t know if i even love my mom.  I feel like i’m obligated to play the role, but if i didn’t see or talk to her in the next year or more.  I don’t know if it would bother me one bit.

Another thing about my outstanding mother…  about 6 yrs or so ago my 11 yr old was 5 and her appendix ruptured.  We had to go to a hospital about 2.5 hours away and stay there for a week.  At the time my oldest daughter,17 at the time, was living with us.  I had asked my mother if she could come over and just stay the night overnight  because we also had our 1 yr old daughter there.  She could go home during the day and i would of paid for gas.  She only lives about 25 miles away.

She said no, because she couldn’t leave her cat alone at night by herself!  WTF!  My middle child is on the brink of death and i’m in an ambulance going to another town for surgery and i get that answer!

So yes, i’m angry with her.  I act like it’s all good, but honestly, if i never saw her again…  I don’t know if it would really bother me at all.  Sounds harsh, but it’s true.

You know it’s funny that you said something about me pulling away as soon as I get a scent…

I am still dating, or trying even though i said i’m done.  I met someone recently that her youngest is 16, she is successful, pretty, and takes care of her self (girly girl) which are all things I like and find attractive.  And she only lives about 1.5 miles from my house!  Our first date we hit it off.  She actually kissed me.  I was going to be slow and easy because she had talked about being friends with someone before getting serious and she had also said she is looking for long term, life partner.  I was like “sweet” !  maybe this one will be it.  She likes a lot of things that i do, same taste in music, likes activities that i like, and loves little girls!

Well like i said, first date went really good.  She is really busy with work and her family/friends.  But it seemed like there was always an excuse not for a second date.  So i made it a point and she had me over to her house one night.  I didn’t know that her 16 yr old daughter was going to be there.  I felt a little uncomfortable because this is only my second time meeting her and i’m meeting her daughter?  Even if she is 16.  Still felt a little strange.  So that didn’t go as well.  I was kind of quiet and shy.

Well she still said she was interested and everything, but then it got to where it was even harder to seem for her to have time to meet again.  I told her a couple times, if she is not interested, then just say so.  That that is part of dating and it’s okay.  She would never say that, she said she is and thinks we connect, but then told me she is 99% sure she is moving next month to colorado for work and didn’t want to get to involved and hurt her or me.

Well guess what?  I got all fucking needy again.  Sorry bout my language.  I was blowing her up!  It’s like i took all the neediness from my ex and instantly put it on her.  I began to wonder if she was really moving or just using that as an excuse.  So i then noticed that she was still frequenting dating sites online.  Then i got crazy.  I made up a fake profile and messaged her with that one.  Sure enough she jumped all over it. was telling me what she was looking for and we were even supposed to meet up after we talked on the phone.  So i dropped it and left her alone.

Well that hurt even more.  Why would someone go through the trouble of making up a lie about moving away instead of just saying your not interested.  Especially if you give them the opportunity twice to say so?

WOW!.

Again, that brings me back to saying screw them all and just being alone.

I lost track of my point, sorry.  Yes as soon as she started loosing interest, i freaked out.  What’s funny(not haha funny) is that i know i’m doing it.  I tell myself, okay don’t text her or talk to her until she does you.  What happens?  i wait half a day or so then bam, send a text.  and then my freaking texts end up being books!  Why can’t i write one liners?  “hey, how’s your day” and leave it at that?  instead i get all novel writing talking about everything!  Oh man i feel so messed up.

Obviously she is not for me because she is lying and such, but damn. Why can’t i be patient and let them come to me?

Oh yeah, because of my abandonment issues.    I also think that that is something i subconsciously desire.  The need for someone to be there, but not fully there or committed, like i need the chase or need to need.  With my ex, we were in love and she showed it, but she wasn’t here and there were times when she would cancel and be hard to reach.  i think that made me desire her even more.  With the gal with the kids.  She was willing to do anything it took for us.  Anything.  She just wanted to love me and make me happy.  well, I lost  interest.  It’s funny because that’s all i wanted.  Although her having two young kids full time all the time was a big flag for me.

So then when i met this last one.  Same thing as my ex.. Acted and said she was interested, just gives me enough to keep my interest and desire, but then keeps distance and hard to get.  really hard to get..  so of coarse i jump all over it like a fool instead of just telling her when she wants to see or talk to me, then she can make the effort.

WOW i’m really pouring today!  sorry about all of this.  It does help me to be able to take about it all.  I know i’m kind of all over the place today.

Well Brandi, i failed.  I went two days and then was able to retrieve the photos off dropbox.  I couldn’t do it.  I wanted to so bad, but the thought of losing all memories of her or us was killing me.  It’s pretty amazing how much i really loved this woman.  Yes she did make me feel better about myself, but shouldn’t you when you are in love with someone?  should’t that make you feel like you are on top of the world?

i have been known to be cold and frigid before.  in fact before my ex.  If someone rubbed me the wrong way, i would say “screw them and good riddance”  Screw them all!  She changed me, helped me see that there is love and it can feel good and wonderful.  Then she took all that away.  So at this point…  I would tell my daughter. ” F%^& them all!”

As far as my childhood.  Long story, i will try to make it short.

Just me and my older sister(by 4 yrs)

parents divorced when i was very young.  before kindergarten i think.  We stayed with my dad and his girlfriend in Vegas and my mom moved back to oregon.  We lived with my dad for a year or 3(from what i can remember),  then we moved up with my mom. My mom was making minimum wage raising us.  Well one day she couldn’t do it anymore and left my sister and i at the babysitter after school for a week or so, until my dad could come up from vegas and get us.  I believe this was in the 2nd grade for me?  i think??.  Hard to remember that far and those memories can get mixed up.

We then lived with my dad for another year (he moved around a lot) or so before he couldn’t do it.  I don’t know why(can’t remember).  So we then moved in with his parents.  They still had younger kids.  my aunt and uncles were all under 18.  We lived with them for about another year or so until they couldn’t do it anymore.  Then my mom was “better”  so my grandpa flew us up to oregon around xmas time (i was now in the 4th grade).  I honestly don’t ever remember saying goodbye to my dad.

Well just a couple months after we moved back to oregon, my mother got a phone call from my grandmother telling her that my dad had a car accident and had died.   That sucked.

So i guess i always have had some guilt.  not ever knowing if i did tell him goodbye before we left.

Mom was still making minimum wage.  We moved a lot. If i remember right i went to 5 or 6 different schools between the 4th and 6th grade.  and she had a few different boyfriends over the years.  By the 6th grade she had met someone that she was with thru my high school.  He was a dick to me.  or that’s what i remember.  in the 7th grade we moved out to the country and i was able to stay in the same school thru high school.

my moms boyfriend though, i hated him.

When my sister was 15 or 16(I was 11 or 12), she decided to leave home and live with a friend from school and gave me the option of coming with her.  I decided to stay because i didn’t think my mom could handle it if we both left.  So that sucked too.  It was always me and her, now she was gone.

I don’t ever really remember my mom going to much of my school stuff.  In fact there were times when she would forget to pick  me up after track or something.

After my sister graduated, she moved to cambridge, MA to go to school.  I was a sophomore by now.  At this point, my mom kind of let me off my leash.  Basically she just wanted me to graduate high school.  So i barely did.  I was actually flunking english when i did, the teacher passed me anyways.  After high school i continued to make bad decisions one after another.  Drinking, partying, breaking the law.  ended up doing about 6 months jail time (just driving infractions and stuff) when i was 20-21 and had my first daughter at 21.  I had no  business having a kid then.  but it is what it is.  I really didn’t get my shit together until i was about 26 yrs old.

meanwhile my sister was the successful one.  She did collage at MIT and has done very well for herself.  She now owns her own brewery.  I’ve always been the “black sheep” or whatever you would call it.  My sister loves me to pieces and would do anything of me and she has helped my so much over the years, i don’t think i could ever pay her back enough.

That’s my childhood till 26 summed up in a nut shell…