I miss her so much

this weekend has been really hard. Last year this weekend we took one of our trips together. I’m crying typing this

I’m  trying. It’s so tough though. I just want to hold her. I would do anything for that

A friend of mine told me it took him two years to get over his ex. I hope it doesn’t take me that long.

It hurts so much.

Nextsteps,

Thank you for your advice and input.  you are right.  I need to quit asking why and accept that she was done.  Regardless of the reason, she is and has moved on with someone else.  It is hard like you said though.

I want to love like that again and feel loved like that again.  I desperately do.  That was the best feeling in the world.  The feeling of knowing that i would sacrifice and do anything for someone, without a question or doubt.  Just because.  I know it’s going to take me a long time to get over that and to stop thinking about her or missing her.  And yes it hurts.  Everyday.  Somedays are better than others, but it still hurts.  I do know i’m not the only one that has gone through a similar situation.  but this is my first time ever feeling like this.  Trying to process it all and get through it is very hard and miserable at times.  I do want to be myself again.  I used to be happy, even before i met her.  I have every reason in the world to be happy now.  It’s just difficult to be when i miss her everyday.  It has been over 6 months now and I still think about her when i wake up and off and on through the day.  I don’t want to, i try to think of other things and do other things.  It just hurts.  Yes, i’ve cried.  I’ve cried over this probably more than i have in my lifetime combined.  Or at least that’s how it feels.  losing what i thought i had is devastating to anyone.  I may just not be able to cope with it like some people do.  I am really trying though.  It’s not fair to my friends, family, and kids.  Especially to myself.

I’m such a romantic, no matter what i know as facts and as plain and blunt as it can be, i still have this hope..” someday she will come back”  I’m trying to get it into my head that she wants nothing to do with me anymore and is happy with her new man.  but  I’ll still have this hope of feeling that someday she will miss me or what we had and want to try.  I really wish that would go away.  I try every day to forget it and to accept it won’t happen.

I do know that i have to move on and find happiness in myself and with someone else.  it is hard when i feel like i’m still holding onto this fantasy of her coming back to me.  Maybe that’s why i can’t give myself to someone like i should, because i’m afraid if i do, then someday she comes back into my life i won’t know what to do.

I appreciate you all so much.  I really do wish i found this site  long before it all went bad.  I am trying to be positive and to move on.  I really am.  I can’t wait for the day I don’t hurt inside or miss her anymore.  I really can’t.  Going through life every day with those feelings is not a way to live.

thanks again.

Okay, i’m trying here.  I really am.  I’m trying to take all this in and use  your advice and accept everything you are saying.   It is very hard to not get defensive and understand this.

If i seem immature.  maybe I am?  Some of the things i do say though, that’s just the way i talk.

I am trying to push through it and move on with my life with other things and people.  It’s just hard.  I was building a life with her.  And then it was gone in what felt like overnight.  With her it may have been a couple months or more in the coming, but i was blind sighted.  Very hard to deal with.

the whole rejection thing.  Well i don’t know if i have an issue with that or not.  According to you i do.  So maybe i do.  Maybe an ego thing?  I never did before her.  even when my ex-wife left. I didn’t act this way with her.

Maybe I am co-dependat, although i was alone for 2 yrs before i met her, and when i dated before her i didn’t get like this.

I really need some time to re-read all of this again.  This is tough.  i’m trying to get a grip on it all and deal with it and move on.  It is hard.  I know i keep saying that, but it is.  She just felt so right.  I can’t explain it.  I thought she was the one for me.  maybe that is a rejection thing.  I thought i had my life partner after  looking for so long and now she is gone.  and with someone else.

I need some time to figure this out.

Anita, I’ll try to answer the best I can.

With my ex. What I meant by a fantasy or in the movies was that we fell in love hard and true. I do know that I fell for her harder and sooner than she did for me. But she was in love in a big way. That is what she showed me. We had nonstop communication throughout the majority of our relationship. We both were looking forward to the day that her youngest son graduated and left Home so she could live here with me. We referred to it as the two year plan. In fact we started talking about it after we were together for about 4 months. She was the one looking at houses in my area and was looking at work prospects here. She did things for me that I never had before. She was always thinking of me. It was seriously like a movie romance. Maybe I thought it was too good to be true and somehow subconsciously sabotaged it. She was even talking about marriage with me not even a month before the wedding weekend.  She even told me that she hoped her boys would grow up to be like me.

For me “waiting”. When things started getting hard for her it felt like I was getting pushed aside. Like I wasn’t important anymore. That’s when I started to panic. I thought I was doing something wrong. Which at that time I wasn’t. She just had too much shit and it was hard for her to share with me. When she did instead of listening and supporting I was trying to fix everything. With her, her kids, her work, and her family. That’s what caused her to pull away more. She told me this recently. Then my problem was in my insecurity I looked to the internet for anwsers. I read that in a long distance relationship that you should have set regular days or time together. You should talk every night if you can. And more. So I brought that up. That we need to start having one weekend together just us and try to have two nights a month during the week that we had dinner. And one weekend with us and the kids. I was trying to save something that I thought was failing and she saw it as me being needy and controlling. She needed to be able to take it day by day. No planning or set “schedules”.

what was hard for me to handle was that before all the shit hit. We had somewhat of a regular thing. She would call me certain times of the day and almost every night before bed. We would text on average at least once every couple hours and if I didn’t text she would miss me. When all of this slowed down. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t see that she was dealing with shit that had nothing to do with me and I took it personal like I was causing it. Which I eventually did by constantly bugging when she needed time and space.

I seriously could not read between the lines and I took everything as somethings my I was doing and in trying to make it better I made it worse. Even after we broke up I couldn’t leave it alone (surprise lol). I fell apart. I got on match within a week looking for something. Looking for her. (Figuratively). She found out. And that made things even worse. I know I made a lot of mistakes. I know she did too. She should of sat me down when she was noticing things and talked to me about them but she didn’t. Not until this last month did she really tell me everything. I know if she would of told me that she she was noticing I would of backed off. If she could of told me straight out that I was trying to fix her and all she wanted was me to listen and not give advice. Or if she really needed to get through this on her own. When she talked to me about her problems. I took it as a cry for help. Instead it was just a need to vent.

I think that’s one of the hardest things for me. I don’t feel like I ever got the chance to fix my problems with her. I know that maybe she was done and did t want to try. But I feel like if I could of. Things would of been better.

I feel cheated out of being able to make it better.  And now I feel like for her her world is finally coming together and what we were both waiting for is happening  she is moving out of the house she hated(it was her and her ex-husbands)  she is starting a new job which she hated her old one  and now she is finally getting out and doing things with friends where before she never did  only with me.  And I feel like some other guy gets to enjoy the butterfly I was waiting for.  I know it’s selfish, just how I feel.

As for my ex-wife. We basically grew into roommates living together. I think that’s why it didn’t hit me like this when she left. As time went on we just became close like best friends. She has been wonderful through all of this. Really been good support.

My sister lives on the other side of the US. I went and visited her about 3-4 years ago and she hasn’t been able to come over here because of her new business. And me going over there cost a lot. Between me and my girls. And time off work. I don’t have a lot of money. So…

with my oldest daughter. I only got her every other weekend (different mother than my other girls). So thAt was tough. She did live with me for a year then moved to my sisters. She took advantage of her and me.  Burned us both bad. It wasn’t until last December she came to me and aloplogized and admitted her wrongs. That’s why we are talking now.

I do have a good life. I have a great group of friends that would do anything for me. Family as well. My little girls are fantastic and they show me love everyday. I also have a potential life partner that wants nothing but to make me happy and she does. I try to enjoy what I have and do things to replace memories and make new ones.

May problem is that no matter of all this and how much I should be grateful and happy, I can’t stop missing her. All of everything else combined doesn’t make me as happy as I was with her. Just hearing her voice on a voicemail would make my day. Seeing her text that she loved me and missed me would make my week. Having a day with her would make my month. I know that sounds bad but that’s the way I felt. I was 100% head over heals in love with her. I would of done anything. (If I would of know that I didn’t need to do anything…) I’m afraid I still would. I can’t get over that feeling. I’m really trying. I’m trying to be thankful for what I have and embrace it all. But it feels like everything I do reminds me of her. Even camping this last weekend. I kept thinking about the last time we went camping together.

I don’t know this feeling. I never had it before. I just want to be done. I want to never think of her again. But then I still have hope that someday she will contact me again. How retarded is that?  I can’t let go and accept that she is happy without me. With someone else.

Jeeze. I’m writing a book again.

I hope I answered some things. If there are more, please chime in. I really appreciate it all. I know I’m hard headed and I’m tryimg to answer everything. So please be patient with me. Thank you all for your support. I really wish I would of found this website when things first started to get wierd.

I’m seriously losing my shit.  Not trying to be dramatic or anything, but it feels like it did when she wanted a break and then when we split up.  Except all i can think of is her having the time of her life, and here i am.  I’m really trying to enjoy all the good things. but damn.  my brain will not shut off.  She really did a number on me.

Like i said, i will read that stuff tonight.  I feel like my heart hasn’t beaten all day.  🙁

Well this officially sucks.  I think me and her talking or texting again has really set see back.  I haven’t texted here since last Thursday.  Now i feel like i’m going through withdrawals again.  Like Anitia said about a drug.  I woke up this morning really said and lonely.  Really missing her bad  I have found that have been frowning all day.  This really hurts again.  Seriously almost feels like we just broke up again.  i’ve found myself wondering if she had fun camping with her new family/friends this weekend.  wondering if she misses me at all.  I know the answers, that doesn’t mean i don’t think about it or feel that way.

Why is it so hard just to forget her.   It really hurts today.  really bad.  I try to not let it consume me.  I try to focus on other things, but i can’t.  My current even texted me this morning and i didn’t want to answer her.  How bad is that?  I really hope that someday she fades away like you’ve said.  I can’t do this forever.  It hurts so much.  I hope your okay with me whining to you.  You are the only ones that i can really talk about this with.  Man i feel really depressed and hurt.  this is freaking amazing.  How someone can bring you so much joy and happiness in your life and they can also bring you so much pain and misery.  WOW!  I really need a hug from someone.  damn!

Brandy. She did say she loved me. Over and over. And she showed it in ways I never felt. Yes she also made me feel like It was at her convienence at times though. But she really did express the same feelings I did for her.

I think you may have a point though. She is beatiful. Succesful, independent, and did things that I really admired.

I cant explain it. I do know when she left I felt like I lost myself. So maybe she did make me feel more worth of myself.

i Didn’t feel like I was good enough for her. No matter how she acted or what she told me. I was always afraid I wouldn’t be good enough. It caused me to become insecure and i think that’s when I started to get controlling. I was trying to plan our relationship. Have set days or weekends instead of  just letting it happen like I did before.

As far as my camping trip. Holy broken quads Batman!  Well my sister came with us(haven’t seen her in 4 years). I took her for a quick ride. Then the first morning I took out my quad and broke some stuff. Had to drive for 4 hours to get parts I needed.  I ended up working on it all weekend at camp. Got it fixed by 5pm the last night so I could go for one ride. (My current friend/girlfriend/whatever she is showed up then)  Then my daughter quad broke too.   Got some work to do before the fourth. You play you pay. Right. Lol.

I did have a fun weekend though. Definitely need to change up the RV though. Still had a lot of memories. ?