i see your point.  I just wanted more answers.  And i did say I won’t text her again after she gets my letter and reads it.(i think ).   I was bitter that everything she told me that she didn’t like about me was everything i had recognized on my own and were points I brought up in that letter, that she did not get yet.  I just wanted to make it a point to her, that i have seen that and that she should of actually talked to me about these things when they were becoming issues.   I am done now though.  There is no more reason to contact her.  Yes i would love to know what she thought about my letter, but it really doesn’t matter.  The fact is she is “in love” with someone else.  Or she says she is.  Which that kind of burns me, well really burns me. but it is what it is.  She made it a point that I’m not perfect for her or what she needs.

She always told me she has been 100% honest with me about everything.  The more i think about it the more i think that that was bullshit.  Maybe in  her mind she was, but really…  This is the same woman that had told me that She is not meant for a relationship and probably never will be.  Then it was barely a month after we broke up that she had met someone else.  Actually she met this guy before we had a chance to exchange belongings.  And of coarse  she said it was nothing.  Then when i asked her if it’s serious, she said we’ll see, it’s not a real relationship anyways.  Then when i ask her if she is in love with him, she says yes…

I don’t know.  Maybe it’s me misunderstanding everything.  But to me, if someone is heartbroken and hurt like she was, then there wouldn’t be a possibility of any kind of romance.  Especially if she was “broken” and “not meant for a relationship”, then why in the hell would you put yourself out there again.  The more i think about shit the more just doesn’t add up with her.

She was amazing, and showed me more love than i’ve ever known.  I really felt like she would do anything for me.  But then when i think about it.  I was never a priority to her.  Which i’m not saying i should be her #1.  (cause she has kiddos).  But your significant other should feel like it.  Not feel like you are always on the side, just waiting for her to be ready.  That’s what it did feel like.  Waiting.  at her convenience.  When she did see me or do stuff with me it was fantastic, she did make me feel special.  but it  was only on her schedule.

OMG, i’m rambling again.

My point is this.  I love her, probably always will.  There is nothing i can do to end that except time.  I know this.  Are we compatible.  Honestly, probably not., but in my head i always thought where there is love there is a way.  I guess that’s the romantic in me.  I’ve seen too many movies.  LOL.  She may have not loved me like either of us thought.  Otherwise she would of communicated and tried to help me see so we could of worked on it.  Yes i wish she would of given me a chance.  But as i think about it.  A chance for what?  another long distance, waiting for my turn relationship?  why suffer like that again.

I  do hurt,  i do love her and it sucks.  I wish i was the man she was with.  but i’m not and never will be. I need to be okay with that.

Getting the response from my ex, hopefully will give me the closure i need to move on.  Last night i did talk to the woman i was seeing recently.  I’ve told her everything.   She does want to see me more.  I’m going to take it slow with her.  She does have her problems, but i think i was comparing her to my ex. and that was making it hard for me to see everything.  I was jaded.   I can’t do that.  everyone is different.  And i do know this.  Everything i did crave from my ex that she wouldn’t give me, this woman wants to do that without me asking.  which is something in itself.   Like i said though, taking it slow.  I don’t want this to be a rebound or “second best” thing.  I have dated a few different woman after my break up( i was freaking mess and needed something)  a few of them were really great woman, but i didn’t have a desire to be with them long term.  With this gal, if we can work through some of the flags i see, I do see possibilities.  (you have to think if it would work long term, or why waste time).

So we will see.  I know i’m a wreck.  But i have told my recent about it all and i am completely honest with her about everything.  And she is with me back, doesn’t hold anything in, which is nice.

Okay i need to get back to work.  I will keep you all posted on the “days of my life”  lol.  feels like a freaking soap opera!!

so with the last girlfriend.  I wasn’t independent.  I guess i was still kind of needy, but I was trying not to be.  Trying not to make the same mistakes i did before.  Although she told me at one time, ” i’m at the point where you can come over whenever you want, don’t have to call or text, you can just show up”  A big difference than my ex.  Whom it was difficult to do anything.  Its funny cause she always called herself the wing-it type.  But when ever i tried to be spontaneous and wing-it.  There was always something that came up.  I felt like anytime i wanted to do something spontaneous, there was drama that prevented it.  The only way we could do anything was by planning.  An also being an hour and a half apart, not exactly easy just to show up or wing it on a dime…  Sorry,  off tangent…  With my latest…  I’m trying to find a balance of not being too needy, but still being my self.  I do know i don’t want to be alone.

With the ex-wife.  We did try to fix it.  She really did.  She went above and beyond trying to get my attention.  But once again, i was blind.  I didn’t have a clue she was feeling this way or that i was being that way.  We really tried to work on it, but she got to a point where she gave up.  I did find out through my break up with my ex.( My ex-wife was very supportive to me and helped me get through it).  What all my ex-wife went through.  I had no idea.  She was depressed and hurt bad.  So yes, she was destroyed.

yes B, I did read that about  a therapist.  I will look into that.  you all have been wonderful though

This all does stink though.  I really wish that she could of been able to just sit down and actually talk to me.  what’s really fucked is that we’ve talked more about everything that went wrong now then we ever did when we were together.

Seriously, if she would have pulled me aside and said,” John, there are things about you that i’m having a hard time with.  You’ve started to change and i don’t know if this is something that i can do”  And actually told me all the things.  I know i could of bettered myself.  There were so many times when i asked her if everything was okay, and she said yes.  I’ve even told her once that i felt a tension between us and it was scaring me, and she still never said anything(this was only one month before she broke up with me).  So i guess this is  a lot to do with her and her lack of communication with me.

If she would of told me that she didn’t want any help with anything, that all she needed was for me just to listen, and that she felt like i was being a hypocrite, which i was(just didn’t see it at that time)  and anything else.  What’s really sad is that all the things that she told me yesterday are things that I put in the letter i sent to her that i  have realized that i did with her that i want to change about myself.  I don’t know if she got it yesterday or will today.  But just sucks.  I have realized things i need to work on, and if she could of communicated those things, i would have before she got to that breaking point.  She said she was always honest with me.  Well, i don’t think she really was, other wise i would of known about how she was feeling before it was too late.

Lastly, like i said previously.  I really think something did happen at the wedding.  I was re-reading the text she sent me yesterday.  All she said is that “I’m not discussing vegas again”.  We never did really discuss what happened and why she changed so much.  It was all like a switch.  Before she left, there was no change, when she got back seriously, it felt like she couldn’t talk to me or see me anymore, like she felt guilty.  It was weird.  She quit using pet names, telling me she loved me, anything intimate.  It was like talking or texting a stranger.  And the fact she didn’t talk to me on the phone except for the night after she got back for 5 mins, then not for 3 weeks after that!.  And when we took a break.  Some of the things she said, they were harsh and tricky.  Like when she said,” I’m not a hypocrite and it was never intentional”  but never specified about what, and she also told me”you should move on and start a new chapter in your life, I’m not meant to be in a relationship and what is meant to be will be”

It was all like she had done something and felt horrible about it and wanted me to leave her.  Whenever i brought up that weekend or the break afterwards, she never wanted to talk about it.  She never wanted to talk about anything.

So maybe we weren’t meant for each other. All i do know, is until that trip took place, everything was good.  Then after is when it all fell apart.

wow, i like to ramble..

Just sucks.  I never loved someone like that before.  I asker her when she started feeling this way.  And if it was when she wanted a break after that trip to her brothers wedding.  She keeps avoiding that all together.  Part of me really thinks something happened with her that weekend that she’s not admitting and never will.  She’s too proud.  It was just odd how up until that weekend everything was good, then after that weekend it all changed.  Everything.  It was seriously overnight.  And she did give me two different versions of the wedding night.  One was that they all just hung out together in a hotel room and talked(her family), the other was that they partied all night, and stuff.  Why would someone outright ask her to go to his room and make “bad decisions” unless she was provoking it.  And did she?  Seriously, when she returned.  she was completely different with me.  Like she couldn’t talk to me or look at me anymore.  Things i used to say that she ‘Loved”, she hated.  even when we were together, everything was different.  Way different.  She said she wasn’t talking or seeing anyone, but i did notice(by accident, then i obsessed about it.  bad me i know) that she was on and off FB or Messenger ALOT, like on for 1 or two minutes, then off ,then back on then off.  All day long, everyday.  Even when we were texting serious stuff, she was on and off several times between texts.  I think either something happened that weekend, or she met someone and it changed everything.

She did tell me that i was hypocritical and a control freak, which she was a hypocrite also.  And she couldn’t ever stick with anything.  She flaked on my a lot and always said she would make up for it.

I asked when she started seeing these flags and why not discuss them with me so we could work it out.   She said she couldn’t work out anything.  She is broken.  I guess we are not meant to be with each other.  I needed answers, and she couldn’t communicate with me.  Fucking sucks though.  i do love her.  I would of worked out any issues she had with me if she could of actually told me.  I hope someday i can get past her.

Yes i will leave her alone, i need to move on.  I wish she didn’t flirt like she did.  Why tell me that things with him weren’t serious and it’s not a real relationship, if she really felt that way about him?

Getting angry.  Damnit.  I need to quit obsessing and move on.  Thanks for listening.  I do  hate being alone though.  very hard.  I want someone to give my love to.  I really am a good guy with a huge heart.  Where are all the good ladies at?  I just want someone to take care of for the rest of my life, i felt it in my bones that she was the one.  I don’t know if i’ll ever be able to trust my heart with someone again though.  Okay, i’m rambling.  Please give me more feedback, this has helped me tremendously.  thanks.

I really don’t think she’ll say yes.  I think she’s the type that once been hurt, never go back.  No matter how much she would want to.  But i’m good with that as well.  At least i would know i tried and move on.

I’m a bundle of nerves now. I think she’ll get it tomorrow so hopefully by then or Thursday I will have my answer and be able to move on regardless.

Whats  screwed, is now I’m wondeing if that is the right choice.  If im opening myself up to get hurt again.  Too many variables in this.

Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off alone.

Well, we never met for riding.  Both her boys were home this weekend and they were doing house stuff.  I guess she is putting it up for sale.  Regardless, i know if she did want to meet she would of made time.  I’m not too ignorant.

I’ve been too chicken shit to ask her.  Almost like i would rather go through life with this illusion of hope that she wants to be with me, but can’t right now rather than knowing she doesn’t.  If that makes any sense at all.  Also, what if she said yes and it ended up not working out again?  That’s a real scary thought also.

I’m telling you though, we really were in love hard.  Maybe it was too much.  We overdid it in the beginning and i did become addicted like you’ve said.  I don’t know.  maybe it’s just one of those things, since i can’t have it it makes me want it more?  UGH!

I’m going to try to ask her tomorrow or the next day though.  I need to be done with this torture.  Even if it is self inflicted.

Either she says yes and we try and hopefully my frown turns upside down.  Or she says NO and I can write her off, and move on to  new things.

We will see.

well, update…  I didn’t ask her that yet.  I did send her a text yesterday asking her opinion on a phone case i got(I think it’s  a woman case. lol).  basically light and fun text.  nothing hidden or meaning behind it.  We went back and forth for a sec.  Got  a laugh out of her and left it at that.

So today i found some riding gear for my daughter(ATV) for sell at the coast(where we ride on the dunes).  I texted my ex and told her that i may be going there one day this weekend and was thinking of bringing my quad to go for a ride when i’m there.  I invited her to go.  I made it light and fun as well.  Even made a joke(inside joke referring to when we went here together back in june).  Again, i made it all fun and light and open.  She responded “LOL, you crack me up!  Let me think about it, K?”

so i responded, no problem, not sure if i’m going yet or not myself.  then i showed her a pic of the add of the gear.

So, we will see.  I’m really trying to stay positive.  I would love to have a fun day with her, no strings.  just to kind of feel if there is anything before i do ask her anything.

I really think she will end up canceling.  We will see though.  I will ask her again friday if i don’t hear from her.  I should know by then if i am going to the dunes or not.