Anita, yes there are a million songs about this feeling.  I know, i have a lot of them in my playlist i made up when everything went down hill.  “AMAZED” is a good one that describes exactly how I felt.

I am learning a lot.  So much that it kills me.  I feel like i’m learning that i am all the reasons she left, because of my jealousy, need to be center of attention, need to be noticed, and not being there for her when she needed( is still made it about me).  An example about that is the night she found out her sone was going into the marines.  It was a work night and I was talking to her on the phone.  I kept telling her if she needed me, i would head down there.  She finally said yes.  So i packed up clothes for the night, and took off.  I got to her house about 11:00 PM. (mind you, i had to work at 7AM an hour and 1/2 away, so this part was me being there for her).  Well after I got there i listened to her, but instead of just listening to her vent and cry, I tried to fix it.  I was trying to tell her what to do and how it’s going to be.  All she needed was me to hold her and listen to her, and I didn’t.  To top it off, i started to make it about me.  I told her about the song “all of me” I heard on the radio, and made her listen to it because it described how i felt about her.  GOD!  what a douche i was.  I totally took advantage of the situation and turned it on me.  I can only imagine how many other times that i did this unknowingly??  One of the things she did tell me after we were done, is that it was always about me.  I was blown away!  I thought, that’s bullcrap!  I was always there for you, doing for you and your boys.   I didn’t know what she meant or how she came up with that until now.  Really hurts to learn that about yourself.  Hurts to see everything so clearly and know there is nothing that can be done now.  all things that if i would of known, or she could of told me straight out, face to face, blunt, hurtful if need be.  Maybe I could of changed my ways sooner before it was too late.  It really does hurt learning all that about yourself.

“This woman was not like your mother, she was like a good, loving, embracing mother. There is a difference.

If you managed  to reunite with her, the woman  we are talking  about, you would still be  jealous of her son, or of someone else she  may attend to. The competition would  have continued. It would  feel good until this or that happens, and you will be waiting for this or that to be  over so that you will have her  again, all to yourself.”

Honestly.  I don’t know how i would be.  Part of me likes to think that I have learned enough to catch myself from being that way and just be supportive and patient.  Yet, part of me would be longing to see her whenever I could like i am now.  So who knows.

“What goes up, must come down. So, John, if this is what you felt, it might have just been an extended, really strong honeymoon phase.”

yes, i do agree with this.  It was like a longer honeymoon phase.  I really feel like this would’nt of went away though.  We would of had our moments, but the feelings that we had…  Would of overcame those moments.  Unfortunately, i was too much of a coward to bring up those moments.  When she did put me on the back burner or flake out on me after a promise.  I should of expressed how i really felt and told her that that is not okay to keep doing that or whatever, instead of avoiding conflict like I did.  To make an omelette you need to break eggs right?  Well I never did.  There was only once or twice I told her how I really felt, in the beginning.  Whats funny is when i did, things were better after.  Then i got so attached and afraid, that i quit.  I was like a little kid in a lot of ways.  Jealous, afraid, timid, passive aggressive.    WOW!  A thought just now hit me.  I was thinking about my girlfriends daughter, she is 9 and a princess.  Whenever she doesn’t get her way or things work out how she wants, she gets a crappy attitude and is like “fine, i won’t do this anyways!!” or just pouts the whole time.  That is exactly how i started to behave.  In the beginning, I was all good with things.  Like, “Cool, i have other stuff i can do anyways. talk to you soon”.  Over time, it became a thing where I would just pout and be alone, intentionally not doing anything, trying to prove a point or make her feel guilty.  Just like a child would.  OMG!  I’m really feeling like an idiot now.  More so than before.

She once told me, that she hopes when her boys grow up, they are like me.  That I am the man she wants her sons to become.  That was the nicest thing anyone has ever told me in my life.  At that point in time, i was a good man.  I put her needs ahead of mine.  I really don’t know where, when or why it all went wrong.  I don’t understand what turned me from an understanding, patient, confident man to a child.  Man this really sucks learning all of this.  It’s good for me, but really hurts.

“when we were near each other, we were drawn together like magnets, just always wanting to be hugging or just connected in some way, even just holding hands, for 2 straight years. And he felt like “home” to me. I felt extremely comfortable, relaxed, safe, warm, protected, calm. Other boyfriends have made me feel some of those things but never to the extreme extent all together to where it literally just felt like I was home and all was right with the world.”

YES YES YES YES!!!  It was freaking crazy.  Seriously, it was like there was no place in the world i would rather be when i was with her.   Having that kind of feeling is amazing.  I never ever experienced something like that before.

“Now if that feeling SCARES someone, then that fear (of either the feeling or the loss of it) might have to do with an attachment issue with a parent.”

I don’t know if it scared her.  Like It was becoming too much of a reality and she knew she couldn’t give me the commitment i was needing.  I do know it scared the crap out of me  thinking about losing it.  Ironically, that’s what caused me to lose it.  The more scared i got, the more I held back and bit my tongue and the more needy and pushy i got(like a child not getting there way).  UGH!!! HINDSIGHT!!!!  I hate  this so much.  It feels like the worst lesson on myself ever.

It feels like, “Here is love in all its glory”, now “here is what it’s like to lose that because you weren’t ready”  Too bad for you!

“None of us know what will happen in the future, but if we really want to experience that feeling again, we have to believe it will come after we’ve done some self-improvement and are ready to hold it gently this time.”

The future isn’t written.  I know that, but at the same time i don’t.  Like i keep telling myself, “if i do this or that” then she will come around again.  I need to just let go and let it be, and if we do cross paths again, then maybe it will happen, or maybe I will bond and grow with my girlfriend i have now and it will be amazing or even more amazing.  I can’t look into the future, maybe that’s why i look at the past so much.

All this talk about holding on gently and songs and things.  There were two songs i heard right after we broke up that really hit hard.  one is ” Hold on Loosely” by  38 special.  I heard that and it was like a bell went off in my head.  Like DUH!  I couldn’t do that.  I squeezed so tight, she couldn’t breathe!!  The other is “boys of summer” by Don Henly.  Every time i hear that song.  I think of her.

God i really do love that woman.  I do hope that someday i can just be happy that i had that feeling before, and not have remorse and pain from pushing it a way and killing the love she had for me….

Anita, reading that, i may have exaggerated.  It wasn’t until the end that i was really waiting like that.  Before the last month or two, she did text and call me all the time.  She would call me every day on her way to work, on lunch, on her way home and before bed.  And we texted all day long everyday.  She was always sending me selfies and things like that.  It wasn’t until her boy was in the picture that things really started to change.

She always felt guilty and that she was a failure for getting a divorce when she did.  Her oldest boy told her that she ruined his high school years because of it.  I think because of that it caused her to be controlled in a way by him.  He could of asked her to do anything and she would of without hesitation or thought of consequence.  Which is what a parent should do for their child, but when your child is 19 and own his own making his own decisions, he should be responsible for those decisions.  She would always cover his ass.  Whether it was housing costs, or whatever.

She and him were fighting a lot when things started to get rough for us.  She kept telling me she was done being a doormat for him and that this was it!  But then the next time she saw him, yet again she would bend over backwards and he would treat her like crap.

I think that was another one of the bigger things that caused problems for us.  It was very hard for me to sit idly by and watch this, watch her get hurt and used like that.  When she would talk to me about it, i would make suggestions(just trying to help), and I think she saw it as me trying to control her or the situation.

I know there are a million different things that caused our end.  But one thing I do know for sure is that when we first stated dating, he lived at home for the first month and a half.  And that made it kind of difficult for us.  It was always about him.  Then he moved about 3 hours away to go to school.  That’s when our relationship really took off and became amazing.  It was in the end of our relationship, he had some court shit to deal with, which again he left it all on her and she took care of everything, scheduling, money, lawyer, all of that.  Then after that was done is when he told her he was going into the marines and didn’t want me to go with them on their family trip to her brothers wedding.  Again, she bent to his wants, instead of standing up herself.  For me seeing that and feeling like i was never going to be seen as a #1 in her life, caused me to get insecure and even resentful of him.  I always supported her decisions though.  I just didn’t have a good poker face about it, so she could see in my eyes and hear in my voice that i was hurt.

Sorry, off track here.  My point is that our relationship was wonderful the whole time, it was only when his name came up that drama and stress came about.  I know i handled my end poorly.  I should have just been there for her to lean on and kept my mouth shut and just asked her what she needed from me, instead of trying to fix the situation and trying to force time with her when she needed that time to deal with other shit.

It was seriously the best year of my life being with her.  Hands down.  I really was happy, almost every day.  My friends would even ask me “who are you?  who is this guy? ”  because of how happy and carefree i was.

Then when all the drama started with her son, and i got pushed aside.  I didn’t know how to handle it and crumbled when i should of been stronger than ever before.  I will have a hard time ever forgiving myself for that.  There were so many times when she was hurting, and we missed a weekend together because of him.  All i did was be depressed and make things worse by making her feel like she was hurting me too, instead of supporting her and telling her, “take as much time as you need, i’m not going anywhere” and enjoying my life with my friends or hobbies when she was dealing with all of this.  I made so many critical mistakes durning that short period.  I can see them all now clear as day.  it absolutely kills me, because i know if i would of handled myself better and not been so selfish and needy, that when all that was over, things would have gotten back to the way they were.  In fact, if we could of lasted another month, he would of been deployed and that drama would have been done.

It’s mistakes and things like that that make it very hard for me.  Very hard to ever be able to forgive myself.  I know i need to use that experience for my future, but it’s hard not to think about how much of this is my fault and if i would of handled myself differently and quit over thinking everything how much better the results would have been.

I  do know my love for her is everlasting and eternal.  I know right now, i don’t think i could turn her away if she were to want to try again, which is unfair and wrong since i am in a relationship with another woman I do love.   It’s very hard to explain this.  I don’t understand it so how could anyone else.

So yes last night was a little rough, especially since i missed a photo on my phone and with the most recent update it showed me memories.  It was one of her at a car show we went to in the summer.  She looked really freaking good in it two.

I cannot wait for the day that pictures like that don’t bother me.  That i can see a photo like that and think” that was a fun time, but i’m happy now without her”

I hope that happens to me someday.

thanks again for listening.  got to get to work…

“My ex and I also had a ridiculous amount of weird things in common and neither of us had felt a connection like that before.”

EXACTLY!

She even said from day one how she was more comfortable around me than anyone in her entire life.  She felt like she had no insecurities or worries.  She even told me that being with me felt like home.  It was crazy how much we connected on so many levels it was indescribable.

I really do think that it was a combination of all the other drama in her life that made her shut down, and that made me become so insecure and needy.  It was really a perfect storm and neither of us knew how to deal with it.  Unfortunately the things i did and said are things that someone can possibly never get over or past.

When i should of just stepped back, i pushed so hard and assumed so much, then lied and betray her trust that it just was too much for her.  Or at least that’s the impression i got through the messaging we did after we broke up.

“The “true love” consummate relationship has intimacy, commitment, AND passion. Finding all 3 in a relationship is rare and I do believe, in certain connections, it really does last without fading…. and then other times, you lose one and that’s when the relationship starts going downhill. But, oh, when you have all 3 combined with a feeling of a soul connection, it’s a totally different experience and I don’t think anyone who hasn’t actually felt it can really understand because it’s just one of those things that does sound like a fairy tale or an exaggeration unless you actually feel it.”

Valora, thank you for that.  I thought i was going crazy.  It’s funny because when i was with my ex-wife.  She wanted that feeling with me.  We loved each other and cared for each other and were best friends.  However, i didn’t have “that” feeling.  I would even tell her “it’s not like it is in the movies!”  She hated that saying btw.  But at that time, in my eyes it wasn’t.  The thought of meeting someone and feeling that feeling almost immediately and having a connection so strong that it’s ridiculous.  I didn’t believe in that crap at all…  Not one bit!

Then it happened to me.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was dumbfounded.  I have done things that i normally wouldn’t do for my ex that i never dreamed i would want to do.  Yet, i did do them and loved it!  Like just sitting at  a picnic table by the river for an hour or more, just holding hands and talking.  before her, there was no freaking way.  I would of asked ” what are we going to do, just sit there?”

I heard stories of people meeting and within just a couple months, living together, then within a year getting married and it lasting forever and them still being as much in love as they were when they first met.  I thought it was bullshit.  How the hell could you just meet someone and know?

Well after my ex, I found out.   I do know if circumstances were different.  I know deep in my heart that we would still be together.

If we did live in the same town, and she didn’t have all that drama all hit at the same time, or even if she did.  I would of been closer so that i didn’t feel like i was getting pushed away so much, causing me to become so insecure with her.  Who knows we may have even been living together within 4-5 months of knowing each other.  That’s when we were talking about it and trying to figure out a plan.

sorry, I’m getting off track here.

My point was, I was a skeptic. I didn’t believe in that until it happened to me.  It’s such a strong feeling that it’s something that you cannot explain.  And yes, if she were to text me, call me, or see me.  I would feel the same way Valora did when she hugged her ex.  EVERY TIME!

I’ve thought i was in love before her.  I know now that I wasn’t.  Or if I was it wasn’t a true, unconditional love.

Sorry, didn’t mean to blow up here.  It’s been really hard.  Tonight was the night one year ago that I screwed up and was going to copy and send a text my ex sent me to her friend to see what she thought(looking for help), and I accidentally sent it back to my ex, which I think was the real thing that finally made up her decision.  She was a real private person and no matter how silly or simple a text was, Those were sacred to her.  Like I betrayed her trust as bad as if I cheated on her.  I knew at that moment that she was probably going to break it off for good.

And tomorrow night is the anniversary of her leaving me.

So this has been a real emotional week for me.  Hard to think it has been a year.  There are days or mornings that it feels like it was last night.

You are the only people I have to talk about this to.  I can’t discuss how i’m feeling with my girlfriend anymore, because it’s making her feel like #2.

Thank you

Thanks  Loleta.  I will try to focus that way.

Anita, I understand what you are saying, but I have to respectfully disagree some.  I believe that when a person finds what they feel is true love, that that “feeling” will always be there.  There may be some rough spots and times when there is some hurt, but that feeling will always exist and you will feel that throughout the relationship. I know when I hurt, all it took was a simple text from her to make the pain go away.

I have known people that have had and still have that.   that feeling when you just look at someone and smile, just because.  My aunt and uncle for example.  It was amazing the love they had for each other throughout their entire relationship.  When my aunt died, my uncle was destroyed.  It took him years to get over losing her and I don’t think that he fully has.

Maybe we are only met to really have that with one person, maybe not.  right now for me, I’m not sure.  I do know that everyday that goes by, i do feel closer  to my girlfriend.  I know that she will never be my ex and i may never feel that way with her like i did my ex.  But i’m working on focusing on her and us and trying to forget.  It has been getting easier with every passing day.  I still have tough ones.  Almost like remembering someone that has passed on.

At this point in time, all I know that i can do is love my girlfriend and show her that i do.  maybe in more time, when i can fully let go and take my ex off of that pedestal that Valora has talked about, i will get that feeling with my girlfriend.

thanks so much for everyone’s input.  I appreciate it so much. 🙂

Last night was good.  My girlfriend got the night off so we were able to hang out.

I did wake up this am with my ex on my mind though…

I am feeling a little better.  But still tough on me.  This morning sucked because i had memories of waking up at her house before work bright and early, making love, then she would make me coffee before I headed down the road.

Memories like that really kind of suck right now:(

“It really isn’t her that you want. It’s someone who makes you feel the way that she made you feel, only without all of the stuff that made you feel bad.”

Well that’s a yes and no. Our first month was a little rough and it wasn’t until the last couple months that it got hurtful.  I’m telling you, all those in between were freaking amazing.  I do want that feeling again.  I want it so bad.  I was thinking about it last night.  My girlfriend was working and texted goodnight and I love you.  When i was with my ex, anytime she texted at all my heart jumped, and when she told me she loved be.  I always got a big smile on my face.  Really hard to explain.

Now, well….

My girlfriend makes me feel good and loved.  But i don’t get anything close to that feeling I had before.  That feeling of complete and total euphoric bliss.

On my way to work this morning, i was remembering one of our road trips.  Not on purpose, it just kind of snuck in there.  They were so much fun and I always felt so at peace, natural, and happy.

Now, I think that having the kids now all the time, work schedules, and money is creating that block for me.  That block that won’t let me enjoy this.  Cause of all the stress on a daily basis.  When we do get time, we are both so stressed and exhausted and both of us feel so negative about everything it’s preventing that feeling from being allowed to happen.

“I don’t feel helpless and I do feel hopeful about finding that kind of a connection again, even if it’s with someone completely different. We just never know what will happen, who we’ll meet, when, etc.”

Right now for me, i do feel helpless and the thought of having that connection again is a fantasy.  I hope that i can and i will someday.  Maybe it will be with my girlfriend or maybe this relationship isn’t meant to last and it will be with someone else.  Right now is too early to tell, but it’s not fair of me not to give it a chance just because times are tough.

I do wonder if i will ever have one full day when i don’t miss my ex though, or have thoughts or memories of her pop in my head.  It gets really bad sometimes.  Even sometimes  when my girlfriend and I are having sex, i would think of my ex(again.  NOT ON PURPOSE).  I just think about how great it was and how well we fit together while in bed(not literally).  Really hard to explain and I really hate it that that does happen.

Damn, love is a curse sometimes.  It really feels that way.