Dear Anita,

Good morning.  Thank you for your first lines in your post, they are comforting.  Work is indeed very busy, these next 2 months until Xmas are a great deal busier.  I am recovering still, and a lot on my mind due to ongoing talks about the new jobs/relocation.  Therefore, I won’t be able to write as consistently as usual – but know that— you, and our talks are always on my mind.

Thank you for completing the above, I like that you used the name Ursula – perfect! Every time I read an old quote, and then I saw your current input about Ursula, I got the perfect visual – Ursula! Big scary unpleasant monster lady! It works!

Here are the concepts that spoke to me the most, excellent points, I appreciate them:

later on, you will find out that what is holding Ursula in that mental unit is your early love for her. This love, now forgotten or not felt, is still keeping her there, big and loud.

CC is angry because Ursula is running her show/ her life. This is what her roar is about. She is tired and she wants to run her own life.

her brain is absent because her mother is overly present in it, leaving no space for CC to be present at.

This last one especially, I like how you wrote my brain is absent.  I visualized adolescent CC, running around, school, activities, friends.  Always here and there buzzing around like a busy bee.  I recall the comments: oh always running in and out of the house, absent minded, this and that.

I think back to the situation after reading the above and I have empathy for this young CC.  I do not judge her.  I see her and want to reach my hand out and say: slow down.  Or, it is okay if you don’t slow down if what you are doing feels right, but know that your brain is just fine.  You are fine.

The roar most definitely is about Ursula running my life.  Over the last 2 months I have really taken my life into my own hands.  Sounds odd, but you know what I mean.  I have been cognizant of my responsibilities to others that stem from guilt.  I had complete down time for a few days when recovering for the flu, and I am going through very important conversations with my husband.  Just the two of us, planning our future and next chapter.  This is quite grounding – as it requires full focus on the inner circle, nothing more. It feels mentally and physically like a grounding experience.

The first part – what is holding me back is that early love for Ursula – absolutely.  And interesting how you wrote “later on.” Yes, indeed I can see myself in the future looking back and thinking: “I wasn’t sure why I couldn’t let go and feel free earlier even after NC, but I know why – I still held on to tenderness for the mother unit, as any child does.” I know that moment is not immediately now – but I am glad we are discussing this, as I know it is on the horizon.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

yes you are right about Aruba – and I had a similar feeling too.  In the sense of, she doesn’t want to rub more people the wrong way type of thing.  Of course we did not bring any of this up on the trip, and made a pact to not bring you up anymore.  So as you likely already know, everything we are talking about right now is entirely between you and I. 100 percent.

Thank you for having concern about our trip in Aruba, that is kind of you.  Luckily it was fine. You are very thoughtful, kind, and aware of many situations at one time – a unique quality.  A multi tasking of understandings – of sorts.

What you wrote about how on one hand you can see the magnitude of how much help she needs – but on the other hand BOOM! yes.  Sudden boom defensive, inflammatory, “I know better than you don’t you dare make me feel like I haven’t learned or don’t know.”  And at other times expecting the other person to read her mind and her moods practically.

I am sorry she hurt you with this.  You do not deserve that.  You are a genuine, helpful, and caring person and you are very appreciated.  You felt compelled immensely to help her I am assuming, and you saw someone who needed guidance, I am assuming – based on the sister that I know.  She wasn’t aware of how she came off in many ways desperate for help and guidance, and in others all of a sudden “too good for it” “too smart” too all knowing.” Not okay.

You also brought up the aspect of being consistent.  This is key.  It is difficult to communicate with people that are not.  My husband mentions how it is “walking on eggshells with her” and he is right.  In fact he has been right about all his comments about her – because they are – like him, very well observed, thought out, and not impulsive.

my ROAR will never be directed towards you.  Sure may there be incidents in the future where we may disagree, or perhaps even not understand one another – of course.  Like any relationship – but it is of utmost importance to maintain a healthy level of respect and professionalism.  And never take the other for granted.

Dear Anita,

Glad we agree on #1, I intend to keep a professional balance for the both of us, and know your intention is the same.

Yes, this does make sense.  Yet after apologizing you perhaps realized it wasn’t the case.  Or further, you felt this apology was “thrown back at you.” Which I can imagine is very distressing/insulting/hurtful…

I think something along there?

Dear Anita,

Good evening/night – late over here.  I hope you have been well over the last 2 weeks.  I had a very eventful 2 weeks, in many different ways.

First, before I forget, I am reading above – our last exchange on here:

“If I conquered Ursula…who can be so scary – no one…no one at all.”

I forgot about this analogy I made,that we discussed, and glad to circle back around – good timing actually – more on that later.

First,

I know that you and my sister are no longer speaking.  She did not get into too much detail with me, but told me some aspects.  I will leave it at that.  I will also not let it, in anyway, affect our interaction and relationship.  For the professionalism that is our own relationship, I will let you choose how you want to proceed with this at the moment:

1) Speak to me about it, whether it is for venting purposes, or just to discuss openly – privately on email if you wish

2) Not speak about it specifically, but generally

3) Not speak about it at all – not to avoid it – but there is no reason for us to discuss

4) any combo of it, and the decision can change now or whenever – whatever is suitable

I want to give you the choice – and I am okay with any of them. As much as you and I have become quite friendly over the last few months, exchanging more personal details of our lives and going beyond TB – I still respect our relationship to be a professional one.  We started in fact, years ago, in a professional sense of exchanges and I hold this to a high level of respect.  Just like I do my medical work relationships, and other ones in my life. And thus, I do not want to do anything that will be in any way detrimental to this/us.  I would like to preserve our win-win, now and beyond- and I know you would like that as well.

My trip to Aruba with my sister was very pleasant.  We did a good job respecting each others boundaries, and it was a much needed few days of down time for each of us separately, as well as together.  It was a success in that we did not trigger each other emotionally and were able to enjoy our relationship and the surroundings.

So the last I spoke to you I told you I was not feeling well.  It turned out the next day, that I was diagnosed with Influenza (after receiving the flu vaccine 2 weeks prior!) go figure!

I was diagnosed with flu, and it was quite terrible, and guess what – that was Monday 2 weeks ago – and my husband and I had interviews in California starting that Wednesday.  Oh what a crazy time.  I did not cancel them.  We went off to California on Wednesday evening that day – packed with a bag of meds.  We interviewed and did meet and greets through the weekend.  I arrived back to NYC late Sunday night, and then off to Aruba Monday morning. Took the first 1-2 days in Aruba to do little and recover more.  It was necessary!

I did not know about the California interviews until recently, and the Aruba trip was planned over a month ago – and that is why the timing was so hectic. Back to back – And take the virulent Influenza A on top of that-  as is life! It all went well and as planned, and my husband and I explored 2 great opportunities.  It was a whirlwind Anita, during which I was not all present, but working hard to be- I gave it my best. The flu really affects mind, body, and spirit of course.  But it all worked out, and glad to conquer it, and for it to be behind us.

Anyway, back in NYC now  My husband and I have a huge task in front of us: where to move? Which job to take. It will be one of the largest decisions of our lives.  We sat down today and made a list of questions to ask each practice and a pro/con list.  We will be discussing this over the next 2 weeks and going back and forth with some follow up emails and calls with both practices/options we looked at.  Lots of thoughts and discussions coming up.  We hope to make a final decision before Thanksgiving.

An important time.  A time where inner circle is everything.  And a time where my energy must be preserved. Mental energy will be used to the max.

Having the flu, and utilizing literally every calorie/piece of energy for healing can teach a person a lot – that bare minimum is key.  I could not give just bare minimum when flying to California and putting my best foot forward at interviews and meetings.  I knew what my priorities were, and gave it my best. But ironically, I hold influenza close to my heart now.

Our mind functions in survival mode when our bodies are struggling, it does not want useless knowledge, drama, inconveniences, and anxieties.  It wants to focus on: “what do I need to do right now, how will I do it, and then I can rest.”

There is something quite incredible about this, and if only we could pass that over into our lives when we are feeling better, healthy, and when our minds can once again run the gamut of thoughts and distractions! I know that this is not the goal – but having the flu (during such crazy timing) taught me a lot!

I will try to maintain the tenets of self preservation, and reminding myself the “not doing anything more than I have to” during this important time. This important time, when large decisions have to be made, when emotions may run high, when distractions may seep in -to take away, when re-focusing on priorities is key, and when fatigue is at an all time high.

—–

Not sure if  I was going to add anything else onto this email, but reading the end of the above/lasts post on this thread got me thinking.  (not that you have to respond to this aspect contiguously with above as well)

Fear ruins everything.  But fear is everywhere.  So how do we not ruin everything?!

 If I conquered Ursula from the little mermaid, who can be so scary? Who is going to beat me down every day?.. Who is going to have so much power over me..? No one. No one at all.”

A great visual (not sure if you have watched the movie, regardless the classic villain and female protagonist struggle)

This small little mermaid, dainty and beautiful, able to conquer this big scary monster.  Now (to generalize) she has this big beautiful world of opportunity in front of her, ahead of her.

If her mind continuously circles back to Ursula, she will be stuck forever, no matter what the new reality is for her, she will be stuck in her old narrative.

If after conquering this biggest enemy, she doesn’t see that victory, and continues to focus on smaller “enemies” here and there throughout life – she too will be stuck in the past.

If after conquering such a large enemy, such a devastating and exhausting feat, she continues to seek more fires to put out and things to be engaged in – she will never recover enough to process her new reality – be stuck in some purgatory

If she sees that Ursula was the one true (and only) enemy of her life – THE bad guy – and now that guy is truly gone — she will slowly start to believe, that nothing coming forward will truly be that bad. that the real evil is behind her, she can let her guard down and put her weapon down.  the worst is behind her.  there is only good to come, and her only job now –  is to open her eyes to it.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Thanks! Yes! I am done with S.  In fact when I sent her the message on Monday: “long hours for the next 2 weeks” it was my way of saying “phew.”  And as you know I by all means don’t dislike S, but that does not mean all the above is not TRUE.

Next – and I am not sure if you are okay with this – will be addressing my sister…what do you think?

Dear Anita,

I felt this was honest, as I felt pretty good after writing it – a slight release.  I will add more – hopefully more raw. Here goes:

…

I don’t have time for this BS! for crying out loud you are almost 38 god D*** years old!!! Do you think it is normal to go on a girl trip with someone who takes selfies the whole time? And then if you come back and I say that is kinda odd, you don’t see it as that.  I am not saying your other friends are all immature and flakey – but cmon.

you text me a few weeks ago about a high school friend gossiping about you.  i tell you, as does my sister, at our meeting how that’s odd – and it sounds like that girl is slightly attention seeking.  Your response is, ya well everyone has flaws.

So be it!

If that’s how you think good for you.  But don’t expect me to get that.  At 34 years old these are not my problems! These are childish and petty S, and I simply don’t have mental capacity for them.  I don’t think many people do.  You lack a lot of awareness of how you come off.

You talk so much about saving costs for your wedding, but expect all your guests to pay up to $500 per night.  And your response to this: “it’s their choice, if they don’t want to stay there they can stay at another location not too far.” I can’t relate to this.  I would feel embarrassed to ask my guests to do this.  Therefore, the way we think is very different.  Often it feels like your brain is stuck in college or 20s and mine has gone into the next phases.  Or perhaps it is just the difference in how we think in general.  Not to say I am better than you at all.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for attempting it in my voice.  I will edit it now and it will be directed towards S as in real life voice speaking to her.

Dear S,

You are kind and great.  In fact the most supportive and loyal friend I have.  You have been more than understanding of what I have been through.  Yet, you are unable to understand it having no background of mental health – and you have said this to me.  Thus, I would like you to know that in the next few months I do not want to chat.  Your chats with me have always been fun, but now I no longer have time for them.  I have a feeling I will never have time for them.

I do enjoy our time in person and catch ups, but no longer have time for “small talk.” When we talk I do like knowing about your growth in your relationship and we talk about that.  And i tell you some things about marriage.  But you will never understand my marriage, as it has a whole over shadowing of this trauma – thus I can not speak openly to you as you simply will not get it.  It is not your fault.

I don’t care to hear about your friends who are flakey or too busy taking selfies.  IT is simply petty and not a good use of time or mental energy.  I don’t care to hear about how your biggest problem is how you were bored all weekend.

No I don’t want free time like you, I never have had this time, and it is not in my nature to have it.  So I can not relate.  I have a feeling after you are married and move in with the guy – you will have far less time.

So therefore, our friendship will not end or change in closeness.  I simply do not have time to chat about the things we did in our 20s.  I have grown – and I am now onto the next chapter.

Farewell, CC and S of the 20s

edit:

I am not judging you, but you are almost 38 years old, and a lot of the things that bother you about daily life are things I dealt with at 25 – and so did my other friends.  I simply can’t relate to those issues anymore.  I am not too good for them anymore, just don’t have space.  I know you will grow and especially after the responsibilities of marriage begin. But things like friends who gossip about you behind your back – and when I tell you that isn’t a great quality in a friend, and your response is: yes but everyone has flaws.  I have no where to go with it.  It reminds me of high school or college, and we are frankly too old for this sort of stuff.  At least I am.  I know at this time – you do have time to deal with these sort of things.  I do not.  I am picky about who I let into my life, and I am not dealing with people who are taking selfies all day when they are with me, or being flakey.  There isn’t time like that in my life.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.