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This topic contains 801 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 day ago.

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  • #318373

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    You write so well. I will read (from email) and comment as I read: “my mother.. she doesn’t look like the person she embodies, a middle aged woman with a great figure”- to the child the mother does embody perfection, a god, beautiful, strong, wise.

    “she states how her body is ruined by her daughters”- so they are guilty soon after conception, there in the womb- her complaints against her daughters start when they are fetuses.

    Think of it, if she blames a fetus, how can you ever give any credit to her blaming anyone!!? Surely a person who blames a fetus is cognitively a suspect and whatever they say from that point on needs to be examined before it being accepted as the truth.

    “Always talking about dreams that were lost. Oh what a shame- mother could have had this or that if only others didn’t ruin her life”- but she did have “this or that”- she had two daughters, two dreams that if she valued them, these two girls could have made her life beautiful. But she considered these two dreams as things that ruined her life.

    “my sister appears very young and thin here, childlike.. very youthful. Mother- She looks like the kind of a villain in a Disney movie.. like ..the evil stepmother, she gets larger and larger, her cackle gets louder and louder. The good innocent little victim or child figuratively gets smaller and smaller as this evil being gets larger and larger and taking over the whole screen”-

    – this is what our Chapter 2 is about: resurrecting that very young child, hearing her voice, making space for her on the screen while making the mother smaller and smaller and her cackle finally silent.

    The way it is supposed to happen: a young child sees her mother as god, follows her, finds safety with her, learns about herself and over time becomes capable and less needy of her mother, so she sees her mother differently, sees her as a human, not a god. But what happened with you (and me, separately) is you found ourselves with a bad god who persecuted you, her child. So the persecuted child, a victim, doesn’t get to develop and see herself as truly capable and her mother as human, less capable than god. The mother, in the mind of the persecuted child, remains a god, taking the whole screen. And as the child becomes adult, her mental screen still has this “evil being” at its center, large and loud, very visible and very audible, while the adult-child herself continues to be very small on that screen, hardly visible and hardly audible.

    “mother.. She is powerful and in charge of her little victim”- this is the story of child abuse. The parent sees this weak, needy child and perceives it as an opportunity to feel powerful. And as she feels powerful, we feel weaker and smaller.

    “At the age of 34 I am still trying to find my voice”- many people never find their voice, or if they find it, they get scared and forget about it, keep hearing the god on the screen of their minds. It is a wonderful thing to find one own’s voice, speak it and hear it. To find that little child in the corner of that screen and give her center stage.

    S, this woman in your life, a few years older than you, “I actually think she is an idiot!”- similar to what you think about your mother (you are having an idiot as a god, taking that whole mental screen!)

    “(S) is an idiot who really has no idea what she’s talking about, but goes on and on about and thinks she does”- just like your mother.

    “(S) has complained about certain friends over and over for years, but never makes any changes in her approach or opinion, or speaks up sometimes still idolizing them… she continues to have the same comments year after year… she thinks of things in a very adolescent way. High school drama-esque”- just like your mother.

    “(S) is not as smart as I once thought”- neither is your mother, you thought she was very smart in the beginning (as all children do), but she is an idiot.

    “Other people my age would have figured that out a long time ago, knowing their true voice- and would limit their conversations with her”- or have none at all. Thing is, other people don’t have an S in the center of their mental screen. S is not their god. My point is that through no fault of your own, you have an idiot for a god. Well, had an idiot for a god. Chapter 2 is about demoting the idiot and removing her from your mental screen.

    “(Mother) didn’t raise us at all actually”- she used you.

    “there was so much of my own will that led me to be where I am right now”- when we are born, we are not born like her, we are born like the billions of people and animals that preceded us in the evolution of life- we have their genes. The world didn’t start with her, this one mother, the blueprint of who we are.

    “Being “raised” by an enemy”- a title of a book, I imagine.

    “I simply don’t have the energy left anymore. My memory is so much worse”- it can return to you, the energy and the memory, and it will return as you change what is on that screen, place you in the center of it, and the demoted god, no longer there except for a bad memory.

    “I watch so much stuff about women in prison on Netflix.. my mother. She deserves a spot there too”- yes. She definitely does not deserve any spot in your mental screen. She does not deserve to be your god. Or anyone’s.

    “when I close my eyes right now, I think of my mother as a Disney World Villain… If I conquered Ursula from the little mermaid, who can be so scary? Who is going to beat me down every day?.. Who is going to have so much power over me..? No one. No one at all.”- not your mother, not S, not any idiot. You have power over you, right there in the center of the screen!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks ago by  anita.
    #321229

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Good evening/night – late over here.  I hope you have been well over the last 2 weeks.  I had a very eventful 2 weeks, in many different ways.

    First, before I forget, I am reading above – our last exchange on here:

    “If I conquered Ursula…who can be so scary – no one…no one at all.”

    I forgot about this analogy I made,that we discussed, and glad to circle back around – good timing actually – more on that later.

    First,

    I know that you and my sister are no longer speaking.  She did not get into too much detail with me, but told me some aspects.  I will leave it at that.  I will also not let it, in anyway, affect our interaction and relationship.  For the professionalism that is our own relationship, I will let you choose how you want to proceed with this at the moment:

    1) Speak to me about it, whether it is for venting purposes, or just to discuss openly – privately on email if you wish

    2) Not speak about it specifically, but generally

    3) Not speak about it at all – not to avoid it – but there is no reason for us to discuss

    4) any combo of it, and the decision can change now or whenever – whatever is suitable

    I want to give you the choice – and I am okay with any of them. As much as you and I have become quite friendly over the last few months, exchanging more personal details of our lives and going beyond TB – I still respect our relationship to be a professional one.  We started in fact, years ago, in a professional sense of exchanges and I hold this to a high level of respect.  Just like I do my medical work relationships, and other ones in my life. And thus, I do not want to do anything that will be in any way detrimental to this/us.  I would like to preserve our win-win, now and beyond- and I know you would like that as well.

    My trip to Aruba with my sister was very pleasant.  We did a good job respecting each others boundaries, and it was a much needed few days of down time for each of us separately, as well as together.  It was a success in that we did not trigger each other emotionally and were able to enjoy our relationship and the surroundings.

    So the last I spoke to you I told you I was not feeling well.  It turned out the next day, that I was diagnosed with Influenza (after receiving the flu vaccine 2 weeks prior!) go figure!

    I was diagnosed with flu, and it was quite terrible, and guess what – that was Monday 2 weeks ago – and my husband and I had interviews in California starting that Wednesday.  Oh what a crazy time.  I did not cancel them.  We went off to California on Wednesday evening that day – packed with a bag of meds.  We interviewed and did meet and greets through the weekend.  I arrived back to NYC late Sunday night, and then off to Aruba Monday morning. Took the first 1-2 days in Aruba to do little and recover more.  It was necessary!

    I did not know about the California interviews until recently, and the Aruba trip was planned over a month ago – and that is why the timing was so hectic. Back to back – And take the virulent Influenza A on top of that-  as is life! It all went well and as planned, and my husband and I explored 2 great opportunities.  It was a whirlwind Anita, during which I was not all present, but working hard to be- I gave it my best. The flu really affects mind, body, and spirit of course.  But it all worked out, and glad to conquer it, and for it to be behind us.

    Anyway, back in NYC now  My husband and I have a huge task in front of us: where to move? Which job to take. It will be one of the largest decisions of our lives.  We sat down today and made a list of questions to ask each practice and a pro/con list.  We will be discussing this over the next 2 weeks and going back and forth with some follow up emails and calls with both practices/options we looked at.  Lots of thoughts and discussions coming up.  We hope to make a final decision before Thanksgiving.

    An important time.  A time where inner circle is everything.  And a time where my energy must be preserved. Mental energy will be used to the max.

    Having the flu, and utilizing literally every calorie/piece of energy for healing can teach a person a lot – that bare minimum is key.  I could not give just bare minimum when flying to California and putting my best foot forward at interviews and meetings.  I knew what my priorities were, and gave it my best. But ironically, I hold influenza close to my heart now.

    Our mind functions in survival mode when our bodies are struggling, it does not want useless knowledge, drama, inconveniences, and anxieties.  It wants to focus on: “what do I need to do right now, how will I do it, and then I can rest.”

    There is something quite incredible about this, and if only we could pass that over into our lives when we are feeling better, healthy, and when our minds can once again run the gamut of thoughts and distractions! I know that this is not the goal – but having the flu (during such crazy timing) taught me a lot!

    I will try to maintain the tenets of self preservation, and reminding myself the “not doing anything more than I have to” during this important time. This important time, when large decisions have to be made, when emotions may run high, when distractions may seep in -to take away, when re-focusing on priorities is key, and when fatigue is at an all time high.

    —–

    Not sure if  I was going to add anything else onto this email, but reading the end of the above/lasts post on this thread got me thinking.  (not that you have to respond to this aspect contiguously with above as well)

    Fear ruins everything.  But fear is everywhere.  So how do we not ruin everything?!

     If I conquered Ursula from the little mermaid, who can be so scary? Who is going to beat me down every day?.. Who is going to have so much power over me..? No one. No one at all.”

    A great visual (not sure if you have watched the movie, regardless the classic villain and female protagonist struggle)

    This small little mermaid, dainty and beautiful, able to conquer this big scary monster.  Now (to generalize) she has this big beautiful world of opportunity in front of her, ahead of her.

    If her mind continuously circles back to Ursula, she will be stuck forever, no matter what the new reality is for her, she will be stuck in her old narrative.

    If after conquering this biggest enemy, she doesn’t see that victory, and continues to focus on smaller “enemies” here and there throughout life – she too will be stuck in the past.

    If after conquering such a large enemy, such a devastating and exhausting feat, she continues to seek more fires to put out and things to be engaged in – she will never recover enough to process her new reality – be stuck in some purgatory

    If she sees that Ursula was the one true (and only) enemy of her life – THE bad guy – and now that guy is truly gone — she will slowly start to believe, that nothing coming forward will truly be that bad. that the real evil is behind her, she can let her guard down and put her weapon down.  the worst is behind her.  there is only good to come, and her only job now –  is to open her eyes to it.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  Cali Chica.
    #321273

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Welcome back from to nyc and to your thread!

    “We started in fact, years ago, in a professional sense of exchanges and I hold this to a high level of respect… I would like to preserve our win-win, now and beyond- and I know you would like that as well”- I share that respect and  would like to preserve  our win-win now and beyond, yes!

    Regarding your sister with whom I communicated a lot, into the evening of almost every day in October, on email and here,  I choose to:

    – Continue like before and not share with you any detail of what she shared with me.

    – Continue like before and communicate with you about what you share about her.

    – What I learned about your sister- and myself- as a result of my intense October communication with her is .. my intellectual property, so it is mine to share with you (not including details of what she shared with me).

    I will now share with you a bit about my Oct experience with your sister and then the reason it ended: I smile as I type this because I really got to like cali sister in a personal way and I got attached to her emotionally, so sweet and affectionate. The many photos helped, her sharing of her day with me, photos and otherwise, details, people, places. I whole heartedly wanted the communication to continue forever more and I wanted to be a dependable presence for her and help her. After the communication ended I felt this emptiness that happens when attachment is broken, nothing felt the same, I wasn’t interested  in tiny buddha, a void.

    The reason I ended the communication, I will use your words describing your experience with her to point out that it was my personal experience with her as well: “So quick to jump down my throat… quick to jump at me- and comes off as all knowing”. In the beginning of Oct I apologized to her for misunderstanding her, an apology that she wanted me to share with you at the time, and I did. On the day the communication ended,  she used my goodwill apology against me as proof that I am inaccurately projecting yet again. So I knew that from then on, she will misuse my apology whenever is convenient to her, shoving it down my throat.

    If you have any questions on the above or on my experience with her, feel free to ask.

    Next point: after that experience I figured I will not go email with any member on the site anymore. I do not regret us sharing emails. The original intent was that if the website goes under our connection will not be lost. Still a good reason. Also, I do not regret any part of our email communication. But let’s communicate here, not there, and keep the email part to highly personal matters, when needed, at this point. Shall we?

    Regarding the rest of your recent post: I am impressed but not surprised that you traveled to California even though you were sick and am glad you had a good time in Aruba with your sister (I thought it will be the case). I hope one of those great opportunities in CA materializes before Thanksgiving,  following more research and your pro/con lists. It is indeed “An important time.. where inner circle is everything”.

    What Influenza taught you is excellent: to avoid and reject useless input/ experience and focus on “what do I need to do right now, how will I do it, and then I can rest”- remind yourself of this (“the tenets of self preservation” as you called it) throughout the day, and night.

    Next, I do have a visual of Ursula, not easy on the eyes. “This small little mermaid, dainty and beautiful”- and she is, “If her mind continuously circles back to Ursula, she will be stuck forever”, as a 2D page in Ursula’s book. This page needs its third dimension, so to expand and be her own book, to no longer be “stuck in (Ursula’s) old narrative”.

    “If after conquering this biggest enemy..”-

    – My input today about how to conquer the biggest enemy: no-contact removed that person from your daily life but did nothing for that page that is stuck in her book. In your brain there are pages and lots of words typed in those pages. Some of those words belong to your page, that 2D that is in the process of growing into a 3D. Other words belong to her book, the other pages that don’t belong to you. As you think, at any time, here and there, ask yourself: is this my thought or hers (do these words belong to my page or to her book)?

    Whenever you feel distressed, ask yourself: what words am I reading, are these my words/ my page or are these her words/ her book, her pages that don’t belong with me.

    Keep restating your words, reading them out loud. The more you do that, the more 3D you become, freeing yourself from the claustrophobic experience of being stuck in her book (“be stuck in some purgatory”).

    It takes a moment to do it, an intent, a certain extra investment of time and energy, but not doing so involves a massive waste of energy because of the distress of reading her words is and has drained you for ages.

    This is what it takes to conquer your enemy. I wish it was easy like in cartoons and movies, slay the dragon and be done.

    anita

     

     

    #321277

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dearest Anita,

    1 – I absolutely agree with you about the email.  I was about to write the same but wanted to wait for your reply.  Email for us is first and foremost if this website disappears, which happens not uncommonly in the age of the internet.  And thus, we would not want to lose our special connection.  That is why we connected.  I too do not regret any of our more personal exchanges – but do agree that we should stick to TB in a professional manner that we have been good about maintaining. We should be open to each other about if we either of us feel that we are crossing a boundary, or making the other uncomfortable in any manner.

    2- I am confused about this part:

    On the day the communication ended,  she used my goodwill apology against me as proof that I am inaccurately projecting yet again. So I knew that from then on, she will misuse my apology whenever is convenient to her, shoving it down my throat.

    I have more to say but will let you clarify and I will then reply and also bring up the second part of your post.

    #321291

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I agree with #1 and am glad to read it

    Regarding #2, I apologized to her early in October, and I wrote to you about it, for inaccurately projecting my mother into her thinking of her as histrionic. Over time I learned that she was containing her distress in her communications with you (from what you shared) and figured she was not histrionic, that is, she did not exaggerate her expressions of distress so to perform to an audience.

    Does this clarify anything for you?

    anita

    #321293

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Glad we agree on #1, I intend to keep a professional balance for the both of us, and know your intention is the same.

    Yes, this does make sense.  Yet after apologizing you perhaps realized it wasn’t the case.  Or further, you felt this apology was “thrown back at you.” Which I can imagine is very distressing/insulting/hurtful…

    I think something along there?

    #321295

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    It is hard for me to explain without going back on my promise to her in 2018 to not share her words in her thread with you  on your thread. Without using her words, I’d say she became arrogant and dismissive of me, disrespectful. She looked down at me with a disapproving finger, scolding me.

    anita

    #321305

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I understand completely, and no need to explain more.  I apologize if it was distressing for you this morning to try to explain.  You do not need that stress.

    So I’ll tell you my part – based on what I am gathering, and of course knowing my sister for my life – I can extrapolate.  Not to say that I by any means want to assume details about your interaction.  I think you will get my gist.  So here goes.  You don’t have to reply to what I say, we can drop the concept of my sister entirely as I do not have an intrinsic need to discuss her.  But since we are on this topic today I will put in my input.  It is entirely up to you what to do with it – read and respond or we can go onto the next topic completely.  Have no worries.

    The word dismissive of you is key here.

    If my husband was here right now and read that, he would say: yes EXACTLY!

    He has said many times, as more of an outsider, as of course he met her later in life and is not her sibling – that my sister is not very respectful of authority, and often very dismissive  – coming off as almost unappreciative.  He knows in her heart she doesn’t mean this, and does not have a bad heart – but this quality is very off putting.  This is what I have referenced to you a few times by his comments – but of course hard to explain entirely.  He finds here emotionally exhaustive and draining.  NOT because he doesn’t want to help her or be her supporter, but because of these sort of characteristics.  He often mentions he “never knows what he is going to get from her.” One second she could be enthusiastic and receptive to your comments, the next quick to snap and make it seem like you are being a know it all – and that in fact she knows better and doesn’t need your “advice.”

    I have thought about this plenty and as you know for a whole month or so back in January after we moved back to NYC and I was quite overwhelmed by her and how I was not attending to my husband and my own life first – I did not speak to her.

    She has made me feel often, that my jumping to “rescue her” is all my fault and self induced.  Or that she used to need this sort of help and she doesn’t any longer, and so if I do such a thing it is “on me.”

    I agree in many ways, as I do need to work on remembering she is an adult.  I am not her mother or therapist.

    But here’s the thing – when someone acts this way, often unpredictable and dismissive, it can be very difficult.  You never know what you are going to get.  It is hard to communicate with them in the way they want, and it almost feels like a guessing game of how to support this person. Sometimes they want a lot of attention and have many needs, other times being dismissive and “know it all.”

    I know she has been through a lot – as have I  – as have many of us.  But these qualities you mentioned above, I am not surprised by.  She lacks true awareness of how she comes off to others.  And when in the past i have mentioned that to her, this is met entirely with anger and defensiveness- and that I continue to judge an old version of her.  She takes personal offense to this as though it discredits all the progress she has made.  And then of course I feel bad as it is not the intention to say she hasn’t grown. Not the point.  But she does not necessarily see how she comes off to even those that are close to her and who care for her.  She believes herself often to be more mature and aware/capable than perhaps she truly is.

    My husband was quite worried about Aruba in many ways as I was recovering from the flu and he did not want me to have emotional ups and downs  – as trying to be someone to please my sister.  He was worried that I would have to act in a way in which I had to ensure she wasn’t moody and had a good time.  It was not this way at all – and we both respected each other.

    In short I feel that since my sister has been through a lot and has had her self put down throughout her whole life, having very little sense of herself.  As a result now that she is recovering, she often goes the other way and becomes inflammatory – being quick to make sure that she doesn’t put herself down in comparison to someone – and can often be dismissive and disrespectful of authority/those that are helping her.  It is almost like a reaction and over compensation based on her own internal anger at her distress.  Projection outward. This is by no means an excuse for any rude behavior.  Just observations/thoughts of my own – not to say that you should agree or disagree.

    #321309

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    A side note, when I ended the communication with her, my worry was: how will this affect her time with you in Aruba, but on a second thought I figured, if there was going to be an affect, it was going to be positive because she was less likely to cause friction with you following the friction with me, more likely to be on her best behavior with you.

    Yes, I hated the dismissing attitude on her part, oh how I disliked it. But after her first dismissal I endured and explained and thought I made progress with her. She responded well and we proceeded to the following day when she didn’t and wouldn’t let it be, bringing up the same thing from the day before poking at it, and before I knew it, another dismissal. It was draining!

    Like you suggested, on one hand she is very honest about her troubles, telling it like it is, and you can see the magnitude of how much help she needs, and she is sweet and affectionate and appreciative, but on the other hand- BOOM! The one she looked up to before, she now looks down at. That does hurt. I mean gone is the sweet, affectionate, humble, soft young woman and what you are left with is .. well, something else.

    In my communication with you, you were never dismissive of me, never disrespectful and very consistent. Your ROAR was never directed at me. Hers was.

    anita

     

    #321333

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    yes you are right about Aruba – and I had a similar feeling too.  In the sense of, she doesn’t want to rub more people the wrong way type of thing.  Of course we did not bring any of this up on the trip, and made a pact to not bring you up anymore.  So as you likely already know, everything we are talking about right now is entirely between you and I. 100 percent.

    Thank you for having concern about our trip in Aruba, that is kind of you.  Luckily it was fine. You are very thoughtful, kind, and aware of many situations at one time – a unique quality.  A multi tasking of understandings – of sorts.

    What you wrote about how on one hand you can see the magnitude of how much help she needs – but on the other hand BOOM! yes.  Sudden boom defensive, inflammatory, “I know better than you don’t you dare make me feel like I haven’t learned or don’t know.”  And at other times expecting the other person to read her mind and her moods practically.

    I am sorry she hurt you with this.  You do not deserve that.  You are a genuine, helpful, and caring person and you are very appreciated.  You felt compelled immensely to help her I am assuming, and you saw someone who needed guidance, I am assuming – based on the sister that I know.  She wasn’t aware of how she came off in many ways desperate for help and guidance, and in others all of a sudden “too good for it” “too smart” too all knowing.” Not okay.

    You also brought up the aspect of being consistent.  This is key.  It is difficult to communicate with people that are not.  My husband mentions how it is “walking on eggshells with her” and he is right.  In fact he has been right about all his comments about her – because they are – like him, very well observed, thought out, and not impulsive.

    my ROAR will never be directed towards you.  Sure may there be incidents in the future where we may disagree, or perhaps even not understand one another – of course.  Like any relationship – but it is of utmost importance to maintain a healthy level of respect and professionalism.  And never take the other for granted.

    #321341

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    And remember that last part, the last paragraph in regard to your husband, to never direct your roar against him. You and I may disagree, even feel anger at each other at times (it is natural) but anger can be communicated honestly and in a contained way, not abusively. I am learning this these very days, and as a result of my last day communication with your sister.

    Thank you for your appreciation and kind words. I do like you and your husband very much (from your shares, of course). He is very intelligent, observant, patient and kind. An excellent man to be married to!

    Regarding your sister, I like her too, but it is like liking let’s say a pup who is as cute as can be but then he bites you and you can never play with him without being afraid of yet another bite. I used to (figuratively) bite people who didn’t deserve it, so I am not judging her as a bad person beyond those moments of biting. It’s just that I don’t have to avail myself to be bitten. So  I don’t.

    “my ROAR will never be directed towards you”- thank you. And I reciprocate with my promise to you, that my roar will never be directed towards you, Cali Chica!

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by  anita.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by  anita.
    #321349

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Reading minds today! Once again I was going to say this.  That the ROAR should not be directed to my husband, and perhaps after your last communication with my sister you felt angry and upset and felt a ROAR built up.

    I thought about this, for myself and for you.  How I would have felt in your situation, If i were you, and how I might have projected this distress and uneasiness onto my husband that night, after a break in communication with a person/friend.

    I thought about how I have done that many times before – transferring pain and anger onto a sweet innocent person – my husband.  Using him as a punching bag, not taking note of his emotions and assuming he is there as an inanimate object – ready to absorb my pains like a sponge.  Saying “take them from me – you must.”

    These are the moments we learn the most.  When we have to take that extra time like you wrote in your first reply today – that time in that moment that is key.  It may seem like a lot, to pause and think and assess – but it is immensely important.  As it will save a ton of time in the future, of distress that becomes so far removed.

    You know that distress right? The type that rolls into a ball and goes down hill, knocking things over along the way – emerges as a big scary monster, and it is hard to even place its roots.

    Yes, THAT is the distress that we would like to avoid.  The type that I am working on.

    What I have learned in the last 2 weeks, with the frenzy of it all is this – If I don’t take a moment to think about what I feel first and foremost – disaster may ensue.

    That time that you so aptly mentioned in your first post – that time is everything – it can make or break the situation.

    The puppy analogy you made is perfect.  We do not need to avail ourselves to bites, we must protect ourselves and have boundaries.  Bites are inevitable in many cases – but when we have a choice, no need to add more of them to our plate.  I respect that decision of yours.

    I think that is good for today, you will likely agree.  I am glad you were able to talk to me about this.  I hope that you are feeling okay, and having a good day.

    I am almost recovered from the flu.  I am recovered in the sense that I am not ill, and I am back at work now.  But my energy, appetite, etc will take some more time to recover.  I will sleep early today. These are important moments for me to protect myself even more than ever.

    These are the times…

    #321357

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    “Reading minds today!” indeed and repeatedly. As I was reading your recent post I thought to myself: better answer tomorrow, I am too tired now (I didn’t sleep enough last night and was tired starting in the morning) and then I read “I think that is good for today, you will likely agree”.

    I also thought of asking you if you are fully recovered from the flu and then read your update on your recovery.

    Zero aggression with husband today and every day and night. I hope you have a restful, good night.

    anita

    #321535

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I understand that you are busy, working, not yet totally recovered from the flu, so I am not expecting you to read this or respond at this time (or at any other time). I am doing this because I have the time and I have the interest. Do with it as you wish, if you do, when you do. The most recent post you submitted that I know  about is yesterday’s. If there is a post since, submitted before I started this post, I don’t know about it yet. All parentheses in the following are mine:

    Quotes from this page, Nove 2019: “Mother- She looks like the kind of a villain in a Disney move… she gets larger and larger, her cackle gets louder and louder”- in that mental unit of mother-daughter, the mother aka Ursula grew larger and larger, an over-developed part, and the child part, aka CC is small, suffocated, trapped, no space to grow, under-developed and pressured by Ursula’s cackle to do and do and do!

    “The good innocent little victim or child figuratively gets smaller and smaller as this evil being gets larger and larger and taking over the whole screen”- Ursula occupies most of that mental unit space.

    “If she (CC) sees that Ursula was the only one true.. enemy of her life- THE bad guy- and now that guy is truly gone.. the real evil is behind her, she can let her guard down and put her weapon down”- later on, you will find out that what is holding Ursula in that mental unit is your early love for her. This love, now forgotten or not felt, is still keeping her there, big and loud.

    Nov 2016: “I work so hard in career and personal life, stay fit, do yoga, have great friends- but funny thing is- my fiancé mentioned it too- it always feel like there is something wrong”- what is wrong is that in this highly functional life, CC is not running the show, Ursula’s is running the show.

    June 2019: “Yesterday.. my husband arrived home earlier than usual.. I was annoyed at his presence… I felt like he was a pest who  was going to come knock on my door and say you need to  do this and this and this”- this is the child- CC’s real life experience with her mother, followed by her still- real life experience with Ursula running the show.

    June 27, 2019: “Yesterday when I got home I only did what I wanted, nothing more.. IN reality CC often doesn’t want to do anything. But she goes into super great and turns to SCC. She then OVER talks, OVER does, and becomes over extended… Innate to super”- SCC is Cali Chica being run by Ursula, doing Ursula’s bidding.

    “When someone says oh you should do this- she wants to say SHUT UP.. SHUT UP SHUT UP. Let me be. I am fine how I am”- CC is angry because Ursula is running her show/ her life. This is what her roar is about. She is tired and she wants to run her own life.

    June 27, 2019 (exercise) & Oct 15 (abotu the Bahamas vacation): “sometimes I watch TV at home, and then my mom says- god you watched TV all day. Go and do something... What I need out of this vacation is some down time. I need mental space to breathe.. If it means go on the slide once to try it, it is that.. So you want me to go up and down the slide 1309 times?.. There is zero room for me to be myself… I am so tired, and all I need is rest… You tired me out so much, wrung every ounce of energy from me”- this is CC’s experience with her real mother- go and do, go  up and down the slide 1309 times! Go, go, go!!!

    “I need mental space to breathe… zero room for me”- this is CC suffocated in that mental unit overtaken by her mother/Ursula.

    June 2019 (exercise): “they (parents) get mad that I am ‘absent minded’ they always say ‘oh where is her brain!!!'”- her brain is absent because her mother is overly present in it, leaving no space for CC to be present at.

    Oct 14-16, 2019: “It often feels exhausting, robotic, without an off switch, and never able to sigh relief. I am sick and tired of being close to people. I was so ‘close’ as in enmeshed, entrenched, enveloped in my mother’s story that I want to be free. Free of any burden to any people. This is why I find myself getting irritated so easily by others… I don’t want to have any responsibility to anyone but my own self… how much I have forced myself to multi task and put my true needs second. Never knowing my voice… when CC is attending to others- the ROAR gets louder”-

    – this is the real-life  experience of the entrapped child CC with her mother: too close to her mother because her mother took all the space, CC is squeezed and enveloped by her oversized mother. Other people take her space as well and when unexpectedly (husband arriving home earlier than usual) CC gets overwhelmed by that too familiar feeling of no-space, and she roars.

    “Every day I dream of being in a place that is far from here… a place where we don’t know many… There is family- his family. And I look forward to less of all that. I truly do. Feels good to admit it… How freeing.. My voice says: no more. No I am not interested in doing anything more… So much anger and resentment at anyone or anything that ‘robs my time’… I have been so resentful of giving any time or attention away… free time.. I never have had this time.. so I can not relate (to S)”- envious of S because S has the time you never had, time to just be. Time free from the dominant and obnoxious Ursula running your life- keeping you running, rushing, running, multi tasking.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by  anita.
    #321697

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Good morning.  Thank you for your first lines in your post, they are comforting.  Work is indeed very busy, these next 2 months until Xmas are a great deal busier.  I am recovering still, and a lot on my mind due to ongoing talks about the new jobs/relocation.  Therefore, I won’t be able to write as consistently as usual – but know that— you, and our talks are always on my mind.

    Thank you for completing the above, I like that you used the name Ursula – perfect! Every time I read an old quote, and then I saw your current input about Ursula, I got the perfect visual – Ursula! Big scary unpleasant monster lady! It works!

    Here are the concepts that spoke to me the most, excellent points, I appreciate them:

    later on, you will find out that what is holding Ursula in that mental unit is your early love for her. This love, now forgotten or not felt, is still keeping her there, big and loud.

    CC is angry because Ursula is running her show/ her life. This is what her roar is about. She is tired and she wants to run her own life.

    her brain is absent because her mother is overly present in it, leaving no space for CC to be present at.

    This last one especially, I like how you wrote my brain is absent.  I visualized adolescent CC, running around, school, activities, friends.  Always here and there buzzing around like a busy bee.  I recall the comments: oh always running in and out of the house, absent minded, this and that.

    I think back to the situation after reading the above and I have empathy for this young CC.  I do not judge her.  I see her and want to reach my hand out and say: slow down.  Or, it is okay if you don’t slow down if what you are doing feels right, but know that your brain is just fine.  You are fine.

    The roar most definitely is about Ursula running my life.  Over the last 2 months I have really taken my life into my own hands.  Sounds odd, but you know what I mean.  I have been cognizant of my responsibilities to others that stem from guilt.  I had complete down time for a few days when recovering for the flu, and I am going through very important conversations with my husband.  Just the two of us, planning our future and next chapter.  This is quite grounding – as it requires full focus on the inner circle, nothing more. It feels mentally and physically like a grounding experience.

    The first part – what is holding me back is that early love for Ursula – absolutely.  And interesting how you wrote “later on.” Yes, indeed I can see myself in the future looking back and thinking: “I wasn’t sure why I couldn’t let go and feel free earlier even after NC, but I know why – I still held on to tenderness for the mother unit, as any child does.” I know that moment is not immediately now – but I am glad we are discussing this, as I know it is on the horizon.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by  Cali Chica.
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