Dear Anita,

Thank you for defining that for me.  Yes, I recall a year ago telling you that I didn’t want to invite this person to walk my dog with me, but I for some reason reached out as a knee jerk.  I know this past motivation of fearing being alone, or feeling someone else’s presence will quell my anxiety.  I learned over the year so much.  That indeed the presence of others does not “cure” this distress, and in fact can worsen it.  Yet, of course as you said I am extroverted, but that does not mean all consumed with SCC behaviors.  I know I will continue to work on this.  Sending the RSVP no yesterday, and getting the text response from the bride: OK.

Would have sent me into a guilt spiral.  Weird passive aggressive response.  But instead i said, who cares.  I don’t want to go, and in fact I am okay never seeing or talking to her again.  She is not a priority.

Work in progress.  This weekend will be no weddings, no call for my husband, and zero social obligations.  What a relief.  It will be good down time for my husband and i both.

Dear Anita,

it is 2 am and I am awake. I fell asleep at 8 Pm last night, likely from mental exhaustion! So of course waking up at a strange hour. Hopefully will be able to fall back asleep.

I woke up with some feelings I want to document. I’ve asked you in the past, or my feelings trustworthy, if I am feeling distressed does that mean that I actually have those true emotions, or is it that a lot of it is the trauma and they are out of proportion of reality.  I forgot how I worded  this question to you, but what I meant is, am I to trust my emotions?  Your answer is exactly what I believe is correct, yes and no. Yes in the sense that often our packed up emotions come up in many different ways. Also no, because so much of it is distress, and it isn’t that it is exactly a reality, but fear-based and anxiety.  So I’m not going to say everything that I feel at this exact moment is true, I will just share.

Right now I feel sad, uneasy, and not safe/secure. I do not feel calm and content, yet worried. It felt like I woke up to a worry – but of course a vague sensation. It all makes sense and is entirely my baseline.

I do not feel safe. I ask my 2 am self why? Perhaps because there feels like constant threats. Perhaps because I have been a warrior too long.

As I’ve said to you, I like to read certain things in the tiny Buddha website, but less and less over the years as I am finding our interactions and personal talks to be far more helpful than general writings. But when I logged onto the site right now I read this:

“Be selective with your battles. Sometimes peace is better than being right.”

Wow. Just wow.

This is what I am struggling with. I want to fight the “right” war. Good or evil, justice over injustice. But frankly it is not worth it most times, and look at the characters involved. A smart inner circle oriented Cali Chica would focus on the fact that both her and her husband are depleted, so fighting battles with inconsequential people will just take away from inner circle.

Yes take away from inner circle. I notice I constantly do this. It is so so not innate for me to stick to inner circle.

There will be women like this everywhere. And yes I need to be more selective with whom I let down my hair and am open and spontaneous with as you wrote. I must have more restraint. I will then perhaps make myself less vulnerable to hurt – or being a target. Not that I want to either in the background. But focusing on inner circle in essence makes me less motivated to be maybe less friendly with just anybody. Let’s see.

Choosing peace is out of my repertoire. It’s like a foreign language. I have never ever seen my mother do it. And my mother had never ever advised me to do so.

Whats more is that choosing peace

1) never even seems like an option as it appears foreign

2) if and when it does it seems like “giving in”

3) peace must be defined.

Peace is not settling or giving in, its equanimity. It’s not being shaken, and it is also maintaining your own – not giving away.

I of all people I know, maybe more than anyone so to speak, really really really needs to keep the peace these days, don’t you think. Learn that it is an option and in fact a great one. No harm no foul. Just peace.

I think what I wrote above is important because it feels important. I know we will discuss in the morning.

—-

so last night I RSVP no to the last wedding we have been invited to. She’s a colleague of mine from residency. She was very involved in my wedding. I get a passive aggressive answer back from her. I look at it for a few seconds. These are the thoughts that come to my head – she has no idea what My life is, and If I never talk to her again I would be fine.

Interesting. I have truly shed over 50 percent of my friends over the last year. I guess each person is one less person to keep in touch with, be obligated to, and that may potentially take away.

My favorite thing, or one of my favorite things that you say is: win-win scenario.

It is only recently that I really started understanding this. What I thought was win win prior was simply:

Pattern and guilt driven.

But choosing only what Cali chica truly wants to do often leads to win win. And you know- win win can change. I had a good conversation with a friend the other evening after my intervention with mean lady. (whom I’ll be working with today by the way in just 4 hours, I oh I hope I can get some sleep).

The old me would have told her all about the interaction and felt the need to vent. To anyone. I didn’t. That was a first. As I said, I kept it composed and smart. Non frenzied; so there was no uneasy frantic energy upon leaving the scenario. What a new feeling.

Now of course professional life is not the same as navigating personal. And at the end of the day professional life has code and conduct and common goals.

Personal life is a free for all.

I don’t think I would have been able to handle that same intervention with say a personal life individual the same. And then it occured to me— I don’t have to. Why am I even thinking about this? Because my brain is programmed to worry.

What if I just stopped. Stopped being involved. Stopped. Showed up to places like you said with some restraint with those who matter.

So I just thought of something Anita, I think you’ll appreciate it.

I liked what you wrote about earlier about the concept of not letting my hair down so to speak. It is a perfect saying. I had a flashback right now to the mother voice. My mother would often have incidents in which she would be going to an event or someone had done her wrong in the past or have been jealous of her, whatever she said, I’m not analyzing that right now. Just telling the story. So towards the end over the last few years, I recall her saying these things often, “well I’ll just show up there and not really talk to anyone, I guess I’ll just be mute.”

or “I guess I’ll bring my iPad and just beyond that, so I don’t have to interact too much with people.”  What she was trying to say is that she didn’t want to set herself up for more injury, she didn’t want to be involved in yet another conversation in which she may be taunted or target.

Now I’m not taking my mothers words for truth, we both know that half of what she said was a lie, and her version of the reality is not to be trusted. But I noticed that these words definitely head wait for my sister and I. Since we were older at this time her and I would laugh. We would dau to each other. oh god look at mom trying to act like she’s going to go there and be some sort of saint, you can’t show up to places and not be who you are.  I would even joke with my mother and tell her that it would be very awkward if she tried to do that, and she wouldn’t even be able to do so, she is naturally are friendly and talkative person. She would agree with us. I saw the pain in my mother’s face sometimes when we were talking about this, or wanting to change her in itself in a away.  Or not change but something.

Now, I can’t take this individual’s emotions or any words to be truth, or a learning point. But it does bring back this memory. The concept of if you are friendly and open and off exposing yourself to others by being that way and not being reserved and restrained, you also may be a target. Yes in my mother’s case she was off and Shelly and had a lot of other bad behaviors. But I do believe the success of coarse even if that’s not the case. Like the conversations we had yesterday. For someone like S, it would be important for me to be more reserved, have that reserve smile and make small talk, but not get involved in any personal way.  But see Anita this is something I am seeing after the fact. If I truly saw this as what it is, I would now know that there are many people like her in the world with whom I have no business letting my hair down so quickly. Remember I told you the concept of jumping into someone’s lap, this is what I am trying to say. What business do I have being open to mere strangers, who I don’t know anything about deeply, I don’t know how they see the world or how they’re going to react. I just know the surface. I don’t want to live in a way in which I am so distrustful of the fellow person that I will be extremely reserved it wouldn’t be possible for me anyway, as you know I’m not very good at being fake. But see it’s not fake. The reason I bring up the memory above of my mother’s comments, is that she would attribute people who did things like that as being smug and fake. My sister and I have not been taught the art of careful composure. It is like we only were taught to things.

Be extremely open and outward, or be reserved and fake. Of course the latter having a negative connotation.

Careful composure? What does it mean. It sounds nice doesn’t it.

It doesn’t seem innate to me, it also seems like a foreign concept like the above quote, choosing piece over being right. But I know I can do it, I did it with the main lady at work, and she is definitely a know very difficult, top five most difficult people sort of person. So I have the ability and skill. It’s just that emotion and anger and all of the above are laced  in with everything.

Perhaps given the above story about my mother, I am afraid of losing myself if I am restraint. Perhaps I quit being restrained and carefully selective as equal to losing my true nature of being a bubbly friendly person. Perhaps the mother voice tells me that this is me not being myself, and it is fake.  Perhaps I believe it is selling out, but if I have my whole life been able to be so gregarious and such a good people person, why would I stop now, I don’t think I could even stop it’s a part of who I am it is really my. Not Something I do as an act or a show or for anyone, it is how my nature is. It’s not even relevant and how people believe this to be a great quality of mine, because either way it is who I am  .

The mother voice might be telling me that it’s not possible, or it is not authentic. But choosing peaceful composure may not seem like my innate self at first, but who said that everything that is innate is actually working? Clearly not.

You said to me last month, that I have to change my behavior, so much that someone on the outside must notice. If the outside person does not notice or make a comment, I’m not doing it hard enough.

Perhaps I fear that outward person noticing, perhaps I fear there, and, I hear them saying something like: well that’s not like you, or Oh I’m disappointed I would expect you to do this or that.

But first of all no one is going to say this, second of all if they feel this, they probably don’t know me well enough and the state of my life right now. Third of all- yes. It isn’t like me, because I am changing. I must allow myself to grow and change. If I was giving this advice to me from the outside I would say, that you say back to the mother voice or whatever voice when they say: wow I’m surprised that you made that decision, that’s not like you. The response is nope that isn’t really like the old me, but it’s suitable for me right now. Of course this is obviously a conversation with your own self, because in reality the struggle is within my own self. Perhaps I am afraid of choosing piece because it seems like it’s letting the mother voice down. Perhaps I am afraid of restraint because of who the mother voice tells me I am. But I must show some change and growth, including restraint and choosing peace.

Ravp no to a wedding is easy. What’s much harder is to Be in front of someone and wanting to be open and friendly, but shutting your mouth and having a small smile, knowing that using excess words will only open you up to losing your energy and power

ALSO- yes I am not trying to show off or be elitist.. But I do believe there is jealousy involved with many of these women and that’s why they spit fire onto me. A shame.

Dear Anita,

A COUGAR!! Oh my that is true fear!!

I know, I was thinking about how I wish it was over phone so we could do it with hearing. Maybe one day! Be back soon!

Dear Anita,

well it wasn’t that yesterday was a full on lash out in the sense of raising my voice. It was in fact saying the same thing over and over and perseverating over it. Yes frenzied tone and pace. Yes indeed. And then getting angry and saying something like, I can’t take these people treating me this way – and I know it will be of no use if you say something or telling your parents. But it is insane. In what world do you show up to say a thanksgiving and S has done this and her crazy sister in law has called me a whore. He understood completely Felt like I was projecting my anger at the situation out to him, it’s not like he made them act that way or didn’t support me. He had a terribly long day at work and it was the last thing he wanted to come home to, which made me feel bad, but at the same time made me say -something like its not my fault that your family members treated me this way. So then we talked about the concept of how you can’t change these people but learning to like you said be restrained and let things go in the sense of protecting myself.

He also said that once he found out that those cousins are going to come to the event on Saturday, he didn’t feel like there should be any reason that I should come. I said that this made me feel guilty, because I don’t want it to make it a weird thing that I don’t show up to events anymore if they are coming. He says that he totally understands, but he doesn’t expect me to come to something that’s not important that is acutely right after July when all this happened. That of course in a few months I will go to thanksgiving and all and more time has passed. He expected me to not even attend, it was me who went out of my way to try to approach the situation and think about going to a place I will be triggered. Who would actively involve myself.

All in all he was very supportive, but it cost him a huge headache that I was projecting my anger the situation to him. It’s true, no one asked me to go to Saturday, it was all self-induced, I guess that is super Cali Chica acting. And self sabotaging.

YesI think I also felt angry for him not getting angry himself, but realized by the end of the night that he’s learning to not dwell on it because it’s only going to cause him and myself more self harm, you can’t change people who do weird things like that, but if we allow it to consume our evening like we did yesterday then we are the victims and the sufferers. We are.  We were.

Dear Anita,

This was discussed.  It was decided by my husband and I that it will be of no use.  His parents are the head of a huge household, many aunts uncles cousins etc.  Close knit.  It will lead them to be stressed, and also someone like S will not respond to this and change, she is in fact delusional.  What will be the outcome.  In this scenario the truth is: I need to let it go, see her for who she is and keep distance.  Focus on not harming myself and husband anymore by giving away power to her.

M is a different story and is now in my eyes as psychiatric patient and I will by all means be extremely distant from her and her children, when I see her at events I will show face but never go out of my way to speak to her and be kind.

Same with S.

I think CC needs to let this go… I am having trouble.  I am not good at being fake, and I am not good at letting go.

Dear Anita,

1) I am pretty sure it is true because M has a history of outbursts.

She had her daughter say once “daddy is hurting me” so that they could go to court and she could have a case against her husband, but the changed her whole mind and was perfectly fine.  I know this because my in laws were involved as they are the eldest in the family and are the source of support for everyone.  So she is a loose cannon and not mentally stable.  She also has history of running out of the house even when taking care of her own children, and cursing and acting inappropriate.

2) I think I do have anger and resentment at my husband at not standing up to S (or Problem cousin)

BUT we have talked about it in detail: and the conclusion was, S is entirely delusional – and saying anything to her will go on deaf ears.  She is not someone that has any awareness of how she comes off to others.  We both decided it will be useless.

BUT I think I wasn’t exactly feeling settled with it since then…and of course severely triggered when the thought of both of them being in front of me came up, not because I HAVE to be at this event, but more liek what the hell is wrong with these 2, getting off talking crap about me