Dear Anita,

I read your entire post, and read it to my husband.  (I had a gap between patients and he was driving home).

You hit the nail on the head:

In figuring out the reasonable choice, you have to compute not only objective pros and cons but also the mental state of the individuals concerned.

I think what he is saying is that he is too tired, too old to “ramp up”, which is what the SD prospect requires.

You are absolutely correct.  An “old” worn out soul – the last thing it needs/wants to do is “hit the ground running.” even if it is in their heart of hearts to “want” this – they simply can not.

To choose peace, in this scenario, is to choose stability – not risk.  To choose comfort versus ramp-up.  To choose family (less uneasiness about moving away from his parents).

I am going to think all of this through.

Most importantly – you know me so well.  I have the tendency to interrupt and interject often, especially when I am stressed or impassioned about a topic.  You know, the last time we had this in depth conversation with his parents at their home, explaining the differences between the SD and newport job (that we weren’t going for) was the day before Thanksgiving.  We also spoke about the move in general. My sister was there as was her dog.  2 dogs running around their house creating ruckus.  My sister is not an outside person per se, but it wasn’t the right environment to sit down and talk candidly, nor did my husband feel relaxed given the frenzied dogs and noise.  (i think he felt happy my sister was there, but deep down annoyed that once again she’s around during an important stressful time – if that makes sense, unable for him to just focus on him).

This time around there will be none of that – when we go speak with them, today or tomorrow etc – it will be just us.

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

My thoughts?

A smile – a big one.  The first one of the day.  And want to know what more? Small tears welling up in my eyes.

Why? Because finally through all this frenzy over the last week – I had someone (I trust – you) put it into concrete words! Oh I should have talked to you sooner (but wanted to think things out more, and felt burdening you with a “problem”)

—

Anita,

You said it so well.  I want to print this out and bring this to their home.  We may in fact be going over to their house (an hour and a half upstate from here) after work today or tomorrow.  Not to “rush” but time is of the essence to reduce distress.  There is no need for this distress to become insurmountable.  As I said earlier – I thought the following would be key.

A set of loving, supportive, not personally biased, not selfish/self oriented parents are important as mentors as well.  They have lived many lives and have always given the advice of : “we weren’t able to do all that you can, go and be free and live your dreams.” What’s more is that they are honest – the conversation you stated above is EXACTLY what we need, and literally word for word what I imagine! (oh my you are good at this!!).

This is exactly just what is necessary.  How about that…

—-

okay next thought more technicalities- away from above (as we will discuss this with his parents and I will fill you in).

The jobs.

So, you (maybe more than anyone) knows how much his job has affected him. When we discussed this over this week, and mostly this morning – he felt often that (I am paraphrasing)–>

“perhaps he is being too sensitive.” that before his eyes they are making changes for the better. how ironic! they are hiring additional staff and a physician’s assistant to make the daily life less burdensome.

to this we counter act – sure they may be doing these things, but will it really change the overall job and trajectory over the years? impossible to say.  But one thing is for sure.  The difficult patient population will always remain this way.  The difficult infrastructure of a hospital in this population will remain difficult. (not that San diego is simply a walk in the park).

Next,

Yes, I am not a mother yet.  But let’s for conversation sake go here.

We have a child in the next 2 years.

1) We are in nyc, he is now 2 years further in his job here and continuing to make a stable salary and moving up in many ways

2) we are in San Diego.  Brand new surgeon in a practice.  He is in the “ramping up” phase.  This means that he is salaried for the first year and supported.  After this he becomes a partner in an “eat what you kill”  mode.  AS in he is his own boss in some ways as long as he reaches the quota the practice would like (this is how it is everywhere in private practice all over the country).  Currently he is working as an employee at an hospital.  It is the difference between being an:

employed vs. private physician

employed: stable salary not as much of an impetus to become busier and busier

cons: not much room for personal growth, not much ability to change things like call schedule (weekend calls), not much ability to add on staff that you want (as the hospital administrators dictate this)

private: salaried for one year, after this more of a “risk” in the sense that it is “eat what you kill and thus there is an impetus to be busy enough.  ability to be as busy as you want once you meet your “minimum” as in the current spine surgeon who is out there is working half days on Fridays to spend time with family. (he is almost 50 and has been at this practice since his 30s so he has set himself up)

My husband said this morning:

We aren’t 25 anymore, not even 30.  wouldn’t we want to stay in an area where things are more “stable” at this age – the time of settling down.  Versus go to an area where I would have to start from scratch and ramp up?

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for making sense of my frenzied thoughts this morning! I wanted to give you my real life account – as is.  I appreciate your ability to extrapolate.

I want to add some more now that I have had time to have some coffee and collect thoughts.

I think my husband is extremely torn.  All morning we spoke, since 5 am – going back and forth.  It wasn’t a fight by any means – but a conversation.  I got to the bottom of it after being a good listener (a new skill for me) and realized the major thing that is holding him back is the following: being far from his parents.

His parents are not the type to alarm us.  And so if there was any potential health issue in the near future (for which the likelihood is high given age) they may not even inform us immediately – in order to protect us, and not cause stress.  But of course this would make my husband upset, concerned, worried, etc.  It would then (looking forward) make us feel like it is unfortunate we live so far away.

But then, on the flipside (and we discussed this now and in the past) his parents are mobile.  They are open minded and supportive.  Yes, they do have their whole life here.  A great Indian community they are apart of in their town.  All of their siblings and extended family in the tri state area. But as you mentioned a few months ago – when grand kids are in the picture, you will see how quickly THAT becomes their priority.  And how the concept of being close to us would not be burdensome to them.  You saying that to me really stuck.

So here we are Anita, and we can continue the conversation as I know more will come out the more we speak.

I told my husband something today – speak to your parents directly, it is okay.  To be honest, Anita – when I spoke to his mom in private 2 months ago or so – she mentioned a few things.

First – that she supports whatever is best for us.

Two – It seems like his job here is very bad, and so perhaps it is best to go elsewhere (of course based on the distress that my husband was experiencing in this job – the parts you know about the treatment)

Three- that they’ll be happy to visit us wherever we go – she then joked that hopefully it will be a good excuse for her husband (my father in law) to sell their house (a big house that is very costly to maintain and no longer necessary for them in their older age)

My husband knows these things and understands them.  but of course – he knows his parents are supportive and will make it an important priority to not stress him out.

So then there’s the question….is it foolish to move to the other side of the country away from the one set of parents we DO have, that are great.  And when we will be having kids soon – is it foolish?!

.

Dear Anita,

Yes I always have and will value our communication.  My hiatus from tiny buddha- whenever that may be – now or in the future is indicative of whats going on in my own life, never because I want to speak with you less.

Anita, you have helped a countless number of people on here – it is an incredible thing that you do.

Oh and by the way – we have settled on San Diego.  I am glad you are the first person I discussed Newport vs. San Diego with.  Our conversation was perfect, and they are the exact truly important values my husband and I discussed since then over the last few weeks.

Choose more peace, whenever possible.  That is what we are hoping for.

Dear Anita,

Happy December.  I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.  I hope it was full of good food and peaceful times.

My thanksgiving was not peaceful per se- but very fun.  More important than fun, it was full of many lessons.

I thought about this morning how I would summarize them for you, and I was having trouble.  So many situations:

The cousin – from the London incident- was there

The wife – from the fourth of July annoyance – was with us the following day

And more…

And the whole point of it all, led to one culmination for me: let it go, and choose joy over resentment and anger.

I noticed this shift in myself, unlike before where I would have been fixated on each detail of the events and interaction, I was able to focus on the “thesis” – the finale.

The finale of, joy outweighs anger – always.  No matter where the origin of the anger or negative feelings are from.

Joy and peace should always be prioritized.

Dear Anita,

Yes, I did write that post prior to seeing your email and the pictures.

I am glad that you had a pleasant evening, I do love the flannel! During weddings in which there are vows, and sometimes hand written, I love listening and watching the facial expressions of the bride and groom. Each couple having their own way of communicating and listening. Sometimes very personal, sometimes not so much.  Always special.

I will be away from the computer now for the rest of the day.

I will keep in mind the concept of reducing stress, I hope I always do – but I especially will today.

Until next time Anita!

Have a great day.

Dear Anita,

how can I calm myself here and now.

Well if I ask myself that now…

I can focus on what you so eloquently wrote above – all the reasons SD is better.

How perfectly put – all excellent reasons that I think of daily.

I can tell myself – the focus is to be grateful for all of these reasons and focus more on big picture – I can tell myself all I want – but the way our brains are, as you wrote above – wired with distress in mind!

Therefore I will do something different. I used to focus so much on what I could control, thinking I had much more control than I really did.

This time – perhaps I focus on someone that is not me – my husband. All ducks align to be a better opportunity for him. So why don’t we go with that. How positive that is!

for me – it will work out. Somehow someway it always does. I have the credentials and the spirit – if not this, that will work, if not that – the other.

I mean to say – I was so preoccupied with me before! Not in a selfish way but in an Ursula way.

“How can I do more. How can I get this. How can I get that. What is missing. What can I do better…. ?????”

Instead I can focus on the beautiful team my husband and I have built- and how this next step for us is by all means welcomed and a great change waiting to happen!