Dear Anita,

I agree.  I was thinking about how Ursula’s opinions tainted my view of my husband.  And the fact that her “opinions” were ever changing, but presented as fact – not fiction – of course.  I too became a  wavering unpredictable frenzy.

So much angst and negativity protected unto my husband – and for so long I searched for that remorse.

How often I posted to you, I don’t feel remorse, I don’t feel as bad as I think I should, etc.

And then it occurred to me, recently – it is because that was never ME.

It was my being possessed by Ursula’s voice, and so in many ways I did not even feel it was me! It felt unbelievable at times the things I said, similar to how you adopted that cruel tone in your voice unintentionally – it was second nature for us to speak in such ways often – mirroring our own Ursulas.

So now when I look back to those times, it is not that I don’t take ownership – I do.  It is more that I know better now, and then I did not.  I am aware now, then I was not.  I can find my own voice now, then it was suffocated.

It isn’t about feeling remorse, or being consumed by guilt – it is freeing that inner voice.  It is looking back at old CC and not being disgusted, but having tenderness for a person who did not know any better.  A person taken over by a virus, just like I was with influenza a few weeks ago – unable to function to max capacity due to this virulence.

It is important to let the glimpses of peace and freedom of life nowadays sink in for me.  As that is what it is all about – it is the real thing as you would say.

Dear Anita,

I hope you had a good weekend.

Rest and digest, let the dust settle – many different phrases – all meaningful with context.

My husband and I did a good job relaxing this weekend – something we aren’t always “good” at as we are not used to it.  But we were successful.  We didn’t discuss jobs in detail, and allowed things to just be.  It was nice and peaceful.

Over the next week we will do some more research and phone calls and continue to discuss.

What I said about rumination,  I would like to elaborate on.

I was thinking yesterday, a peaceful Sunday – how rumination has been a large part of my life.  Also the concept of – not letting something sink in, prior to jumping to the next thought/issue.

Examples:

1 – beautiful proposal/engagement.  Immediate anger/issues from Ursula about where engagement party will be, and “how dare my in laws be cheap and have it at their home.” No need to elaborate more – we both know how this all went

2 – let’s say I had a nice date with a nice boy – regardless of who or what he was.  My mind would immediately jump to what Ursula would think of him, and then fast forward to anxiety of whether he was right for me or not.  No concept of enjoying the moment or letting any of it sink in.

3- I moved to CT, and the moment I sat down in the corner, surrounded by boxes taking this new well lit space in – onto the first jobs my husband and I had after training – the phone range. It was Ursula, of course.  She was calling to say: “oh I talked to our neighbor and there is a job for your husband near our house, her son works for a surgeon there, you should call.”

I didn’t know it back then, how toxic that was – well I knew it in my body and mind – feeling tense, anxious, etc.  Looking back I deserved to: sit in that moment a little longer, walk to the sink, get a nice cool glass of water and tour my new lovely place.  Take it all in.  When my husband came upstairs after bringing up the last box, we deserved to sit in silence for a moment taking it all in .

—-

So much of my over-talking in the past is related to dispelling this inner distress.  It is like a bee that is wound up with weird energy and buzzes around all day trying to release it, buzz buzz buzz.  In your ear, near your eye, buzz buzz.  How irritating.  Not just for the other party, but for the bee herself! How exhausting.

This weekend I did not buzz around, and for the first time I felt very happy that I didn’t have Ursula shoving her “thoughts” down my throat about this upcoming new chapter of our life.  No, no one.  It was and is a time for my husband and I alone.  It takes time to feel comfortable “doing nothing” and letting things sink in.  When it hasn’t been the natural way of my life – it will take time for it to feel natural.  But I sense it already – it becoming my new norm.  I do sense that. I sense deep inside what the concept of peace and stillness are – and how therapeutic they are.  I sense the concept of not jumping to attend to someone else outside of my inner circle.

I sense that peace can become my new norm.

Oh and by the way. I ALWAYS want you to speak naturally without feeling a need to filter for the sake of filter (you know what I mean). I value your honest input and opinions and have enough understanding of you to respect it 🙂

Dear Anita,

I forgot to mention – San Diego contract would be similar after a year, taking a percentage of the whole practice depending on how many surgeons etc.  At the end of the day the contracts may be similar in the sense of how hard the surgeon works – he takes home, after paying overhead expenses

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your feedback.  I like when you are direct and honest – that is what talking like this is all about!

So a lot of what you stated is correct.

Especially the aspect of this man having an ego, and knowing this prestige of his will attract young surgeons.

However, he also has a reputation for being a great surgeon and a good man – based on some of the other colleagues we know in the area.  The ruler, one, of the empire is correct though.

As far as younger surgeons being the minions.  The surgeon who joined a few years ago was helped by B to get busy.  He is now independently busy and takes home the money he makes after paying the overhead.  That is it.  So the busier the surgeon is the better he will do, as busy as he wants to be in a way.

The amount that my husband or any other one would share from the gross outcome of the whole practice will be based on percentages signed in a contract.  We are not looking to become like B, just want my husband to have more flexibility in his life and ability to make use of his talent.  Which he would be able to do in both practices.

As far as my opportunity.  B would employ me and I would get referrals for pain management, I would then be able to send surgical candidates to my husband – further enhancing his productivity when those situations arise.  It isn’t exactly like the actress situation as I would be a contracted physician in his group, just like another pain management doctor he has from 10 years ago who is saturated and has a need to share with another doctor now.  I have a phone call with this physician next week.

Yes what you said about SD is ABSOLUTELY correct – in the sense of more laid back, less ago, and family oriented.  We will review the numbers and contracts for both to see growth potential and all – and also compare different details.  In San Diego my husband may have to be on call certain times, in Newport – will not.

There is a lot to consider and there is at least a month to go back and forth, more phone calls, talks, thoughts, etc.

First and foremost – there are 2 great options!

Dear Anita,

I agree.

We will be in Southern OC in the coastal area, so weather will be similar to SD.  Yet, I prefer the vibe in SD much more – and the breezy aspect.  The people are also less uptight – for many different reasons that are varied.

So the jobs – I am only focusing on his jobs here, as my jobs are secondary at this time as i have many more options in both areas.  The decision will be based on what the best is overall of course.

1- San Diego

There is a large surgical group that is looking to hire an additional surgeon as there is a need due to patient volume.  It is in a great location and we would be able to live in one of the many amazing coastal beach towns and commute will be easy.

The surgeons in the group are very laid back and family oriented.  We spend a good amount of time with them, and they try hard to maintain a work life balance from what we experienced. Financially they seem to do pretty well, and are not killing themselves to work too too crazy.

Overall theme: laid back

1- Newport Beach

As you know an affluent area, with a more competitive edge.  Likewise the job is similar.  This opportunity is very different.

There is a well known, renowned surgeon let’s call him B, that has built this large empire almost.  He himself has operated on many celebrities, and has an incredible reputation.  He is in his 60s.  Over the years he has hired younger surgeons and taking them on as almost an apprentice so to speak.  Hiring them, supporting them with a salary, helping them get busy.  In a year or 2 these surgeons then are able to be more independent.  Financially this practice does much better, but of course it is more work it seems and more entrepreneurial.  Someone like my husband would spend a year or 2 ramping up his practice, and then be independently able to thrive – as the plan would be.  He would have financial opportunities to make a cut of what the whole practice makes, which appears to  be quite lucrative.  B is very well connected and wants to take me on as a pain management and wellness doctor/expert – and help develop my career as well.  With him I would have opportunities to do so- and many of the things we have talked about in the past years.

Overall theme: “go getter”

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Unnecessary noise prevention! Yes!

How are you doing? How have you been feeling?