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emotional day today. He’s been very open and explained his last relationship of 10 years left him in a bad place (that was 5 years ago). It seems she ended it completely out of the blue and he found life difficult for sometime. He feels he’s built a protective shield since then that he doesn’t know how to take down. He loves me, can’t see him loving anyone else and doesn’t want to lose me.
He feels he has commitment issues. He feels like he doesn’t want to die alone! Yet can’t quite connect the dots. He’s asked if I will stay with him if he gets counselling to try and work out what he wants.
he is going to buy the apartment but is open to saying he doesn’t know what will happen with us and perhaps he could sell it but he feels he can’t not buy this after just a 6 month relationship.
this feels hard. I feel like it’s hard to find a connection with someone, he ticks all my boxes, except one – he doesn’t know what he wants from life/this relationship but is willing to go to counselling to work though issues he feels are preventing him from knowing. I feel like I’d regret not staying with him to explore if this could work – I might meet another man who wants a family, but they might not have the qualities this man does, or love me like he does, I might not meet another man At all!
but I do worry how things would feel in another 6 months if he decides he doesn’t want a family and what the relationship would feel like moving forward – I’d just be waiting for him to decide knowing it could go either way.
Oh how I wish life felt simpler at times!
Thank you Anita, your reply has really helped me feel better about my decision. it still feels hard and horrible and really sad but I feel less indecisive about it now and more certain I’ve made the right choice – thank you for that.
I just wanted a second opinion, I was worried I was asking too much too soon, yet did only ask the questions about his plans.
ive made the decision to end the relationship. I feel like he should be able to give me an indication about what he wants from his future. All I have to go on is that he is buying an apartment for himself. He can say he’d like to see how things go and can say he can see a future, he has said he wasn’t thinking properly when he said 10 years but has also said no one buys an apartment thinking about moving out of it.
I’m worried I’m being inpatient but also feel it’d be unwise waiting to find out if he can see a future together in my timescales (the next few years). And then finding out in the next few years that he can’t.
this feels very hard. Am I being sensible? Am I being inpatient?
Thanks so much Anita, your messages have given me lots to think about. I’m really greatful.
Sending best wishes to you and yours 🙂
You’re completely right. I think I find those kind of questions hard to navigate. My logic is, we’re talking about the future, children, wanting the same things, we’ve been seeing eachother 6 months, this is going well. Asking if he wants these things with me seems too early at 6 months, possibly too ‘needy’. At this point I don’t know if I want it with him but I do ‘feel’ it’s going well. Yet it wasn’t!
i think the guessing and waiting game is a really good way to explain my experience. This seems to breed, over thinking and analysing! Which stem from this fear I have of getting hurt.
lockdown is a bit tough, it’s me and my daughter, she’s 11 and amazing, but goodness I am missing adult conversation and day to day distractions
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thank you for taking the time to reply, I’ve found that really helpful.
I’m sure my previous relationships are impacting my current thinking.
My last ‘real’ relationship was 4 years ago, we got engaged, I later found out he’d used me for a place to live and had being having an affair. It took me along time to recover from.
Since then I’ve dated people. There was the guy I thought things were working with, we spoke for hours on the phone, built a connection, spoke about hopes dreams, kids, marriage and everything inbetween. 6 months later I casually mentioned dating exclusively. I’d got it all wrong. He enjoyed talking to me but didn’t see that future with me.
another guy, 6 months of dating I mentioned been exclusive with. He thought I was asking too much after just 6 months. I walked away. Not really liking the thought of him dating and sleeping with other people at this point.
I guess when I say wasting, I see it like wasting my energy, building this expectation that something might come of this, then realising I’ve read it all wrong (again) and feeling hurt (again).
I don’t think I’m very good at this am I