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Am I asking too much?

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  • #363005
    Carol
    Participant

    I’ve been dating an amazing guy for 7 months. I’m 34, he’s 39. Two months ago I casually asked if he wanted children. It was painful. He couldn’t reply and interpreted this as me asking him to have children.

    It came up again last month and I was very clear in stating that I’m at a point in my life where In the next few years I’d like to start a family. I was clear that I wasn’t asking him to commit to having kids with me but I would like to meet someone who wanted those things in their future too. I touched on my age and explained that I didn’t really want to build a relationship with someone if we were incompatible. He didn’t know but said he would give it some thought.

    Around the same time we were chatting about stuff and he spoke about his plans. At the moment he is buying an apartment that is very much for a single guy and wouldn’t accommodate us as a couple (or my daughter) His plans in this property involved what he would do over the next 10 years.

    this left me wondering where he saw ‘us’, I was very clear in telling him that if our relationship continued to progress I’d like to think in afew years we’d be living together. After hearing his 10 year plan I asked if what we both wanted from this relationship was the same and felt that maybe his idea of a relationship was different o mine.
    over the last week that has all come to a head. He’s told me no one buys a property thinking about moving out of it, he’s also told me that I’m unreasonable asking him to ‘commit’ to starting a family with me after just 7 months and that I’m unreasonable asking him to not buy his first home. He’s told me people don’t have these conversations until they’ve been together a few years.

    I’m not asking him to have kids with me! Or live with me and I’m not asking him not to buy the apartment. I’ve told him this again and again but he isn’t hearing me.
    I’m asking him how he sees his future and I’m seeing if we’re on the same page about how we see our relationship progressing. He just isn’t hearing this and is making out that I’m some desperate woman who is asking to start a family and live together this instant. I am not!

    I don’t want to continue to build a relationship and be with someone for 1 year, 2 years only to find out we want very different things.

    id love another perspective on this. Shouldn’t I be asking these questions? Is it too soon? Are his comments valid or am I right to ask how he sees things progressing?
    thanks in advance.

    #363013
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Carol:

    We discussed asking a man questions in your first thread. I wrote to you there that it is your right, in the context of dating, to have the information that you need about the man’s motivations and plans. You did well asking this man the questions you asked him. The key is to really listen to his answers, to not keep asking the same question repeatedly in the hope of getting a different answer, and to not pressure the him to answer any of your questions in a particular way. It is about asking questions so to get the information that you need.

    He gave you some answers, as I read your recent post: he is not considering, nor is he planning to live with you and your daughter, or to marry you, and/ or having children with you. Maybe he will consider it in the future, but he hasn’t considered it so far.

    Him buying an apartment too small for you and your daughter to live in, and planning to live there for the next ten years indicates to me that .. he didn’t consider yet the things  I mentioned above. What you want is not in his plans.

    If you agree, what are you going to do about it?

    anita

    #363016
    Carol
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I just wanted a second opinion, I was worried I was asking too much too soon, yet did only ask the questions about his plans.

    ive made the decision to end the relationship. I feel like he should be able to give me an indication about what he wants from his future. All I have to go on is that he is buying an apartment for himself. He can say he’d like to see how things go and can say he can see a future, he has said he wasn’t thinking properly when he said 10 years but has also said no one buys an apartment thinking about moving out of it.

    I’m worried I’m being inpatient but also feel it’d be unwise waiting to find out if he can see a future together in my timescales (the next few years). And then finding out in the next few years that he can’t.

    this feels very hard. Am I being sensible? Am I being inpatient?

    #363020
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Carol:

    I think that you are being sensible and patient- patient enough to figure you better take the time to start dating again, and find someone else who is interested in having a family with you and your daughter. Staying with a 39 year old man who is not considering a family with you is not sensible. If you stay with him, waiting.. and waiting, you will get more and more anxious and the relationship will end anyway.

    Him buying an apartment-for-1 is a very tangible evidence that he is not considering having a family. I am sorry that this is the case, because you already invested in him. When you meet a new man, sometime in the next few months, make sure to ask him very early on, or better, put it in your dating profile (if you will be using an online dating website) that you are interested in having a family with the right man.

    It’s not a good idea, when you are interested in a family, to wait for an uninterested man to become interest. A good idea is to start with an interested man and take it from there.

    anita

    #363024
    Carol
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, your reply has really helped me feel better about my decision. it still feels hard and horrible and really sad but I feel less indecisive about it now and more certain I’ve made the right choice – thank you for that.

    #363026
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Carol:

    You are welcome. I know this is difficult and will be difficult for a while, but it very much seems like the right choice on your part. Post here anytime, it may help for you to express yourself as you proceed, and I will be glad to read from you and reply any time you post.

    anita

    #363144
    Carol
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    emotional day today. He’s been very open and explained his last relationship of 10 years left him in a bad place (that was 5 years ago). It seems she ended it completely out of the blue and he found life difficult for sometime. He feels he’s built a protective shield since then that he doesn’t know how to take down. He loves me, can’t see him loving anyone else and doesn’t want to lose me.

    He feels he has commitment issues. He feels like he doesn’t want to die alone! Yet can’t quite connect the dots. He’s asked if I will stay with him if he gets counselling to try and work out what he wants.

    he is going to buy the apartment but is open to saying he doesn’t know what will happen with us and perhaps he could sell it but he feels he can’t not buy this after just a 6 month relationship.

    this feels hard. I feel like it’s hard to find a connection with someone, he ticks all my boxes, except one – he doesn’t know what he wants from life/this relationship but is willing to go to counselling to work though issues he feels are preventing him from knowing. I feel like I’d regret not staying with him to explore if this could work – I might meet another man who wants a family, but they might not have the qualities this man does, or love me like he does, I might not meet another man At all!
    but I do worry how things would feel in another 6 months if he decides he doesn’t want a family and what the relationship would feel like moving forward – I’d just be waiting for him to decide knowing it could go either way.
    Oh how I wish life felt simpler at times!

    #363147
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Carol:

    “He loves me.. doesn’t want to lose me.. Yet can’t quite connect the dots. He asked if I will stay with him if he gets counseling to try and work out what he wants… I feel like I’d regret not staying with him to explore if this would work”-

    – here is what I suggest: go to counseling with him, couple counseling. The problems in this relationship are not his alone, you are anxious, you don’t want to wait and wait, wondering if he does proceed to attend counseling, if he shows up to his sessions, wondering if he will share with you what transpires in his sessions.. go to the sessions with him.

    There are counselors who do individual counseling and couple counseling. He can see that counselor individually at times, and he can see the same counselor at times, with you. In the couple counseling sessions, the counselor should facilitate communication between the two of you, address issues, so that you know what is going on, so that your concerns are addressed, and you are in the loop.

    If he truly loves you, he would want to include you in some of his sessions, because you need help too in the context of the relationship with him, and you need to be an active participant in the relationship, not a passive participant, waiting and hoping for the best.

    anita

    #363150
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Carol,

    “He’s told me people don’t have these conversations until they’ve been together a few years.” A 34 year old woman who sees children in her future can’t wait a few years before having these conversations. He should know this. Everyone knows this.

    “He feels he has commitment issues.” A lot of people, both men and women, have commitment issues. Sometimes that means that they’re afraid that after they commit to someone, the “right one” will come along. You don’t want a guy who wants you because “he doesn’t want to die alone”; you want a guy who wants you because you’re the right one! If he needs therapy to figure out that you’re the right one, let him get therapy, but don’t wait around.

    One idea is to consider freezing eggs to take the pressure off you with regards to those precious children who are in your future.

    B

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