Dear Anita,

This is my reply in response to your earlier message.

I agree – the sense of comfort she feels is short-term indeed. I think its because its a different voice than her wife’s. And this is something that she needs to recognise. That the comfort that she is finding in my voice, is because of her unhealthy limitations/isolations with just her wife. I think this is due to a lack of trust/ faith in people as a whole, so she doesn’t bother to try and formulate positive healthy working relationships – and so I don’t think she talks to that many people, or has any other relationships besides the one that she has with her wife…. I wonder if this is something she will begin to recognise by not talking to me on the phone.

I know that she has the attitude of “why is it always me”, “my life’s been rubbish, i deserve better” etc. And she feels like she is owed something because of what she went through, rather than work on herself to get where she wants. This is extremely hard for me to hear and try and work with, when I’m the opposite. She lacks patience, and is quick to jump in to victim mode. I can imagine her jumping in to victim mode about my email, and thinking that I’m “having a go” or “telling her what to do”. When the reality is, I am just providing her with solutions to fix the problems, to stop her complaining, but when I do that, it’s like she doesn’t want to hear. And I a suddenly the bad guy, and she get’s angry on the phone.

It is always a short term comfort, in the cycle of abuse. The abuse continues. My sister gets distraught and calls me. She takes my advice when she is feeling distraught. Then 2 days later, she says that things are “fine” etc. I ask her about the advice I gave, and she doesn’t want to talk about it/ gets funny with me. Then a few more days later, and she phones me up distraught again… For me, it’s quite frustrating, hard to hear, upsetting, etc. I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere by giving her advice – so yes, maybe not talking to her will help her – I hope.

I have said this before – but you have helped me ALOT. I have always needed advice from someone who can relate to my position, and advice me with how I should handle things. I’ve never met anyone who has said a yes or a no, to how I should interact with my parents or sister, because they haven’t been through the same thing. Someone who understands how emotionally affecting it is, or having these relationships can be, even when others can’t see it. If that makes sense? I’ve always been looking to talk to someone about stuff who could relate/ had similar experiences so they understood how tearing it feels, to try and put yourself and your life first, whilst at the same time needing to remove yourself from close family members who are hurting you emotionally, psychologically and spiritually and not allowing you to grow. And also having to process your entire life to date in order to understand your own position etc.

In terms of balancing your life – do you schedule in times to come on to Tiny Buddha in your day? Because I always see that you are the one of the people who reply to people on here – I presume you’re an admin?? Even if you’re not, I see you an as admin, and when I talk to people about Tiny Buddha, I do say “yes there’s an admin on there called Anita who replies to so many people’s messages and really helps them out. I hope that one day I can be in a place where I have so much time to help people in that way”. 🙂 It’s true.

I can see how you are helping yourself by doing this. I also feel the same too. Which is what I like about Tiny Buddha. Especially because there’s no last names or profile pictures. It’s almost like the ego dissolves, and people allow themselves to put themselves in each others position, and to find solutions to problems by doing so. If only the outer world was like this too!!

It’s sad to come to terms with thats how my parents saw me 🙁 Especially when I held them with such high regard and love. To think that they just saw me as a thing :'( And didn’t love me with the same velocity as I did them. It’s really hard. They told me they always loved me, and that they tried their best….But did they? OR is that another lie to make the abuse seem less than it was? I don’t know if that’s what they thought life and love was.

I’m glad you understand the time thing. By the time I was 17/18 I already felt like I had lived a full life!!!! Literally, because time went so slow growing up, and I feel like I took on alot of hard life lessons from a young age. I’m 25 now, and feel like I have the wisdom of a 60 year old already (!!) In a way, sometimes I feel liberated or enlightened, because I feel like I have so much time left!! lol. It’s weird, I feel like I’ve learnt the lessons I should learn on my death bed – such as the value of life, value of love etc. So every moment to me now, is just pure gold.

I also continue to learn in our posts too.

Cat

Dear Anita,

Yes, the nightmares make me feel extremely invisible. I guess that’s how I felt a lot growing up. My parents never bothered to see me and my sister as individuals or treat us as such. We were simply just things that they had made together. If that makes sense. I remembered one memory the other night, of my parents arguing when me and my sister were really young. They argued in front of us all the time – they didn’t care if we saw or not. My Mum was threatening to leave – my Dad had his head in his hands, and they talked about who was going to have the kids. I’m pretty sure I remember my Dad saying “I don’t want them”, in front of us – which when I remembered, shot a brief moment of severe emotional pain back. I think that was the moment I started to dissociate from my life. Him saying that made me see myself in an existential way – I was just a person made from them, that they didn’t want anymore.

Growing up – my parents never bothered to hang out with us, or get to know us as people. There were times (before that massive argument between them) I believe, where we went on holiday, and there’s loads of photos of my mum looking happy with us and hugging us and holding us. And there was an old home video that my Dad took etc. After the argument all of that stopped. We didn’t go out as a family anymore. It was all about my Mum. I remember seeing my Mum depressed lying on her bed etc. They never tried with us at all – so me and my sister kind of floated through life, not really having models we can bounce back off, if that makes sense. They just wanted us to be as quiet as possible. They would always make the point that it was “Their house” etc.

Most of my weekends was spent waiting for my mum to finish shopping. So depressing. The amount of times we parked in the multistory, and I wanted to run and jump off the top to escape it all. Seriously. The car journeys were mental hell. I think this is why I relate to the suffering animals so much – because I know how it feels to be in a situation of which you can’t escape. It feels like eternity.

With the dissociation – I think my parents have done it as well, and my sister probably. My parents just stopped feeling emotions and cut themselves off. My sister seems to just automatically repeat their behaviour with her partner etc. and has continued repeating their behaviours throughout her life. By the way – she still hasn’t responded to the email I sent about self-reliance…. That was nearly a week ago now. I am wondering how she took it. Whether she is instantly mad at me, or if she is actually thinking about it. I might post what I sent on here, so you can see what I said??

I can see that – about the lack of mental health. It saddens me everytime I see a parent taking their anger out on a child. As if it’s their fault 🙁 I think it’s adults who aren’t willing to take responsibility for having a child – and how much of a precious and special gift that is – rather, they just get treated as financial and time burdens etc. I understand that money puts constraints on a family, but to be treated like your existence is a burden is really awful!

Yes, I guess I would be MORE privileged if I didn’t have the nightmares…. But, my mental health is actually a haven in comparison to other beings in this world, yknow? Like, there are cats that are deprived of sleep for “science” – and get electrocuted to stay awake etc. The lives of these cats must be traumatic, stressful and suffering every second of their lives :'( In comparison to them, I don’t have anything to complain about – as for the majority of the seconds of my life, I am in control of my reality, physical wellbeing, treatment etc.

My sister said that hearing my voice helped her…. It brought her a sense of comfort, because she feels like she has no one… which isn’t true. She has friends and connections she could make, if she saw herself worthy/ put effort in to doing so. Should I feel respinsible/ guilty now for removing her sense of comfort? (me) – or should I see this as a good thing which is hopefully going to help her grow?

You are very right about helping others, and how that takes mental health. I was only helping Noel so much because it was easier to do that then to focus on me. And because I was off work, and had too much time on my hands etc. I have learnt a lot from what happened. It still really hurts my heart to talk about it, so would not like to. But yeah, my heart grenade definitely got pulled – all emotions came to surface, it exploded. And then the shells got thrown back in to place with mighty force, and was forced to repair itself and direct it’s energy within. If that makes sense?

How do you manage with your own health/ mental health? And balancing that – as you help people on here??

Cat

Dear Anita,

I hope this message finds you well and in good health.

I had my mental health assessment last Wednesday – I showed the assessor the post that you said too as well.
I told her everything, and was diagnosed with ‘borderline personality disorder’ – I have been recommended CBT and also to go on antipsychotics before bed, which will hopefully help with the voices and help me to sleep.

At the moment, life is both great but bad at the same time. It’s great because from everything thats happened, I feel as though I am even more strongly connected to my faith/ the Universe at the moment, which is picking me up when I feel low. I reconnect with this faith when I feel overwhelmed, and I send my worries, wishes and prayers out to the universe. At the moment I am coming to terms with my diagnosis and recognising how that has affected me and my relationships throughout my life… It’s hard to explain, but sometimes I am very much in tune and have great self esteem about my life and the person I am, but other times I feel unmotivated and lack self-esteem in all areas of my life…. In these periods I have learnt not to fight it anymore, but to accept that feeling and sit with it until it passes.

In terms of living for myself, I guess I find that hard. Especially because I care so much about other people and the world, and for a long time I’ve felt like it is selfish for me to be healthy, give myself treats etc. when I know that so many others in the world are starving, or not able to live a life as privileged and free as mine is. In a way I guess I have been suffering for solidarity – be it for my parents, sister, children in sweatshops across the globe, abused animals and children etc etc. I find it hard not to think about these things. Can you relate to this?

I said the other day, that I chose to wake up and live for something else – and for me, that was punk. I am still striving to stay true to this, and to wake up every morning in devotion to my life, and to devotion to the hope that maybe one day I will be able to have the talent and confidence to be in a band and raising even more awareness about issues I just mentioned. I tell myself this when I need to eat. I know I must eat for myself, and be healthy for myself, but if my health and ability eventually leads to being able to make a difference in the world – then that to me is motivation.

It is hard. Very hard. Putting myself first in each moment and not feeling selfish or guilty doing so. I have had to reduce my  contact with people so I am not focusing on them at all. I’ve stopped doing promotion – because I was putting so much worth in other bands and artists, whereas now I need to be doing that for myself. I have deactivated my facebook account, because it isn’t healthy for me, and going on there just reminds me of Noel and the intensity of messages, and how things ended etc. My life has gotten better without it, so I intend to never go back on.

It feels like… I am in the process of letting go of the person I thought I should be, and working towards the person that I want to be. Very strange feeling. Very strange and a consistent effort.

I have also reduced contact with my sister. Before my breakdown, and whilst, she would call me up crying with despair about her relationship with her wife. This happens ALOT. And all it brings me is heartache, despair, and constant worry about her wellbeing. I have tried many times to give her advice, and sent her loads of links to helplines, womens refuges etc. But she hasn’t taken it upon herself to do that. I have mixed emotions about it all – as a sister I love her, and I am sorry for what she had to go through as a child. I want her to be well, and a part of me feels responsible for her.

Then at the same time, the way that she speaks is extremely adamant, harsh and hard-hearted and I find it difficult to communicate with her when I am in a state of overcoming those things in myself. If that makes sense. I feel as though she is trapped in a mental cycle of believing who she is/ believing that that is her life forever. As much as I can try, I do not think that anything I can say or do can help her change herself or her life – she must have the willpower to do that by herself – do you agree with me on this?

I also think that her having a co-dependent relationship with me, wouldn’t be good for either of us as well. I try and explain these things to her sometimes, but she gets funny and sees it as me abandoning her and then threatens to stop the relationship. It is hard to say the least….. I have experienced abuse from her in the past, and sometimes I do debate whether I should have her in my life or not. She expects me to help and provide all the answers, but I can’t. Because it pulls me in to that unhealthy dynamic which I am strongly trying to overcome in my life.

At the moment we are communicating via email. I will see how it goes.

Your thoughts on all this will be much appreciated,
Thank you,

Cat

Dear Anita,

I am not ready to read your words yet – as all the emotion has been way too much….

I came to this realisation last night that I need to live for myself. Every morning I need to get up, put on my style and my eyeliner, write lyrics and practice guitar. These are the things that make me feel like myself, although I hold myself back from doing them so much.

At some point when I’m ready I will read back through all your unanswered messages, and reply – of course.

Right now I know I need to grow and focus on me and channelling my anger into my music and lyrics.

Today I woke up, had a bath, put on my style, and then killed the ants that were in my larder and gave it a good clean (been meaning to do this). I’ve started doing housework again, which is good.

My assessment is on the 3rd May. I go back to work on the 8th.

For now, I am staying awake from Facebook and staying away from that group of people etc. In the past I’ve tried so hard for forgiveness/ acceptance. I’ve done what I can – apologised/ explained etc etc. And it was clear that I was distraught about it too. But enough is enough – I’ve done a lot as a friend for all of that group – and so now it’s my turn to step away – whether they will acknowledge that I am a good person or not, is up to them/ the Universe to decide.

As for now – I am aiming to live each day true my creative core, and learning to love that, despite people judging me for how I dress. [Wearing punk style, make up and playing guitar is the only thing that makes my soul feel happy and free ]-

As soon as I typed the last bit in [ ] a wagtail bird smacked against my window. A sign from the Universe, I know it. I just know that I’m meant to channel all this emotion in to punk, I can just feel it – I just have to be brave enough to do it.

Cat

Dear Anita,

My life was going so well. New housemates, friends, boyfriend etc. I was feeling like I could do this!! I am Noel’s first girlfriend. He is a virgin nerd with hygiene problems and severe anxiety…. When I was with him I felt like a child again. I was so open, so honest – our connection was so sensitive. The most sensitive I’ve ever had. Only last Thursday we were on the phone, and said that we were in love with each other.

Then, lo and behold, I ruin everything with getting drunk, and having a breakdown.

During my crisis I tried to contact him constantly and try and save the relationship. Didn’t give him space. Kept pushing and pushing and pushing. He eventually called me up, and read out the email to him, about how much I loved him, what he meant in my life etc. He said he only called to get space. And ended up saying that he wasn’t staying in his house because he was scared I’d show up. I said I felt offended, because I thought he knew me. He said he could see why I was offended. He had a go at me because I talk a lot, and was trying to blame me for his anxiety. I didn’t let him. He was angry at me, but wasn’t allowing himself to be angry. He said that he wanted to say how he felt, so I said I was listening – but then he said he felt like hanging up the phone. So I said, fine do it. And he hung up. He then sent me a cold message via fb about how he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore and how he’s made his decision.

Heartbreaking.

We were both so emotionally close. The closest and most sensitive I’ve been with someone, and now this…

I’m on medication, to help me sleep. I’m off work til the 8th May. I have an assessment on the 3rd May to get diagnosed. Been crying a lot. I stopped messaging Noel yesterday. Really pushed him away, now he just thinks that I’m intense, crazy, dangrous, mad etc.

Huff.

Cat

testing

Dear Anita,

Thank you for explaining that – I understand now. And yes, I can empathise here completely – I guess in my situations the things that I’ve needed to do is – to remove myself away from harmful people who aren’t good for me (such as Clarence), move out ASAP, and start putting my own health and wellbeing before trying to support others/ fix other peoples problems (!) – This is something I am only just starting to recognise, and act upon.

Do you think – that throughout your life, and these situations – that maybe you didn’t act upon these things at the time, because you weren’t fully aware of the harmful impacts they were having?? There must be so many reasons why people stay in certain situations – abusive relationships, drug addictions, toxic friendships etc. – I guess this could come from a lack of awareness of how sacred our emotions are? And how every situation has an impact? Or not having knowledge that we deserve better – that we deserve to look after ourselves/ protect ourselves etc.

Were you okay after the car crash?!

It is interesting gaining more insight in to your experiences, as the image that I have of you continues to build. At the moment, the image I have of you, is of being a very thoughtful/ contemplative/ considerate woman, sat at a table and looking out at the garden, watching her dog whilst contemplating. (Because before you have mentioned your dog). I also get the impression that something spiritually and emotionally monumental happened to yourself at a young age too, and I feel as though this may be the reason you are able to discuss and empathise with people and their emotional journeys so well (in the same way that I do).

In response to your question: I guess I am referring to that calm, rational tone – that I’ve needed to learn to do for my own job (support work) and that I’ve heard from other people when I phone suicide helplines/ domestic violence helplines etc. As because she’s my sister, it’s easy for me to get emotionally involved, and talk to her from a place of emotion, rather than logic. If that makes sense??

This weekend I spent a long time trying to understand two of my friends who had a miscommunication. Yesterday I was too emotionally drained to talk to my sister. I will do at some point today. It can get tiring seeing the same situation with her wife occur again and again and again, and me giving the same advice – but alas, all I can do is remain logical/ rational and hope that one day she can see for herself that the relationship is unhealthy, abusive, and love herself enough to take the necessary steps to leave.

It is very difficult to watch though. To feel like you want to hand someone their self-worth, self-love, but to know that it can only be given to them by themselves. She is doing alot of self-analysis and realising a lot about herself and her past behaviours though. I hope that this continues and that I can be as good of an influence as I can.

It’s nearly 6am here in England. I am just having a coffee before getting ready for work. For some reason I was inspired to get up a bit earlier and write out some emotionally intelligent/ helpful messages to my friends, and replying to you before starting my day – feels great!

Sending spiritual solidarity to you,

Cat