Great advice, as always, Anita! I will definitely post an update in a month or so and let you know how everything plays out. I really appreciate you taking the time to consider my issue and give me an informed and thoughtful response. Have a great day!

Charlotte

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your input, Anita! I’ve read about tickle torture too and told him about it last night (the most recent time this happened). Hopefully it stops, but I still don’t think it’s getting through to him, and I won’t be surprised if it happens again relatively soon. Like you, I believe that tickling can be abusive. I just feel like it is very out-of-character for him to be this way. Otherwise he is not controlling at all, has never done anything else physically inappropriate, never raises his voice, doesn’t have anger issues, and he is a good and caring person. He’s also incredibly smart and is a university professor of engineering. I don’t know why he doesn’t get it. I’m fed up with telling him over and over again that, just because I laugh, doesn’t mean I enjoy it, and that it makes me really angry. I tell him if he wants to be affectionate, give me a hug or something but please don’t tickle me. I’m at a loss, and I worry about the fact that, if I can’t get through to him with this, what else will be a problem down the line.

Thank you so much for your thoughts, Islandgirl17! I agree that my other friends/family are caught up in the stereotype that straight men and women can’t just be friends. My husband knows my friend. My other family members and friends really don’t, but that’s mostly because everyone in my life is scattered all over the country, so we don’t have too many get-togethers at my house. I like your idea, though, of just being more open about it. I feel like I let other opinions get to me, so I’ve kept it pretty private so I don’t have to deal with the judgmental comments. But I think it would help me if I worked on disregarding them and being more open about the friendship, like you said.

Thank you 🙂 I actually haven’t been called Charlie since I was about 5, so I don’t know why I picked that username.

I truly, truly hope that he gives her a different type of chance too, Anita. I really hope he finally gets it. He told one of his male friends that he opened the door again, and this other friend freaked out and gave him the business. Not saying I advocate freaking out, but I think my friend knows now that it’s upsetting his other relationships and that things better be different this time. We’ll see.

Thank you again, Anita, you are the best.

Charlotte

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Charlie.

Hi Kath!

Thank you so much for your input. I forgot to mention in my previous post that I did also tell him last night that I’m not upset that he opened the door to her again and rather, that I’m glad that he is making decisions on his own after considering what is best for him. I didn’t know if I was still coming across as trying to be controlling by saying, in the same conversation, that it makes me so sad and worried, especially everything he’s been through already. I’m glad that you warned me about the controlling trap, though. I’ll be extra careful that I don’t create that.

Yes, I do take on the healer/helper position pretty often, but only recently since this sister came into his life, really. We were best friends before this, but in a way I think it brought us closer because whenever he would get so hurt, he would call me. He always tells me that he wants to be there for me too, and I can tell him anything, but truth be told I don’t have a lot of issues on my own. I grew up in a pretty well-off family that was very loving and comfortable. Any issues that I have are very trivial compared to his and I don’t want to dump stuff on him when he has so much else in his head. Also, because my life is so comfortable otherwise, I think it makes me feel even guiltier for getting upset about this. I think I must be so spoiled that I get so upset by something that doesn’t even directly involve me.

I think you are right that I need to learn how to let things go that I can’t change. I’m nearing 30 and I’ve never been one to get caught up in drama. I don’t know why I’ve let this get to me so much. I think I just need to focus on staying cool.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Charlie.

Thank you again, Anita! I agree that sometimes it is best to cut people off – and it is necessary when they are deliberately trying to hurt you. My main concern was that I didn’t want to make that decision for him and that it should be his choice because it is so personal. But fortunately, he realized that he needs to decide himself and sent that email on his own, without my suggesting it.

He had wanted to cut her off long ago but had that warped view that family should be there for each other “no matter what” – which is ironic because none of his family was ever there for him and probably never will be. But I think he realizes that this thinking is a fantasy (in his case) and a wrong social convention, as you said. I am glad that you brought that up, and in the future if he starts feeling guilty, I am going to remind him of this and the fact that he felt good after sending that email.

Thank you again for all of your help with this! You’ve made me feel so much better.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Charlie.