Forum Replies Created
March 8, 2019 at 6:03 am #283657
The reason why my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend has been brought up is because I knew her and I knew of my boyfriend when they were still in a relationship, so I heard about the whole cheating scandal from friends before I even met him. His ex-girlfriend went on a spring break trip and slept with someone else and never told him, and he ended up having to find out about it months later from someone else. She also treated him poorly in general and walked all over him, so I would never want to be anything like that. When we first started dating, we would talk about our pasts, and when his ex-girlfriend would get brought up, he’d refer to her as “the whore,” which definitely bothered me because it made me feel like he wasn’t completely over her. Therefore, I would get jealous and bring her up sometimes, which has caused some issues in our relationship. Also, whenever music by the rapper Drake is on, he says “f*ck Drake,” and I learned earlier on in the relationship that he doesn’t like Drake because the guy his ex slept with was obsessed with him. He doesn’t say it often, but when he does, it makes me feel insecure because it seems like he’s still stuck on the past when he claims he isn’t. My boyfriend and I started dating about 6 months after his breakup with his ex, so I don’t think he had enough time to heal, which has caused issues in our relationship due to me being insecure over his ex. It worries me that I kissed his friend’s ear on NYE due to feeling insecure in the relationship, which is not entirely his fault. I think these are things I need to work through and talk about in therapy. I need to find the root cause of why my reaction was so extreme to something so little. I had plans to move closer to my boyfriend, but I think it needs to be put on hold until I resolve what I am going through. I really hope my future plans with my boyfriend aren’t ruined and that we make it through this because I don’t want to end up with anyone else. From the beginning, I felt something different and knew he was the one, so I’m very confused by my feelings at the moment. I just want my passionate feelings for him to come back.
ChristinaMarch 7, 2019 at 7:45 am #283475
Thank you for your reply to my post. I have never been “slut-shamed” or anything like that in the past. I just would never ever want to betray my boyfriend in any way, so it scared me that I could become that loose and friendly when drunk, even if it was a holiday. I am extremely against cheating and am a very loyal person, so this really affected me. Also, I remember getting jealous earlier on in the night, so I started to obsess and wonder if my jealousy made me think it was okay to do what I did. It just really bothered me that I could do something drunk that I normally wouldn’t approve of when sober. I am a bit of a perfectionist, and I like control in my life, so the fact that there was a moment where I lost control really hurt me. I feel like I ruminated and obsessed over the situation to try to feel more in control and rationalize my actions. In the end, it ruined me. My boyfriend always talks badly about his ex-girlfriend and refers to her as a “whore,” so even though I did something innocent, I felt like that made me a whore and equivalent to his girlfriend, no matter how many times my boyfriend said it didn’t. My obsession over the event made me feel extremely dirty and unworthy of my boyfriend’s love. Now I’m scared that those negative thoughts made me fall out of love with my boyfriend or made me put up a wall as a defense mechanism of some sort. I want to feel how I did before this whole thing happened, and it hurts me that I can’t feel that way at the moment. My boyfriend’s feelings haven’t changed towards me at all, but I feel numb and unable to love. I’ve never felt this way before. I really hope it’s just a phase and that it will go away with therapy and time.
ChristinaMarch 5, 2019 at 10:45 am #283119
Thank you so much for your input, it has helped me greatly. I have an appointment with a therapist set up for this coming Monday, and it will have to be a once a week thing unfortunately due to the costs (my insurance has a high deductible). I think I have always been an anxious person and could have always used therapy, and my extreme reaction to that event has made it even more clear. I’m so scared of hurting my boyfriend, and I feel like asking him to just be friends for the moment will do just that. I think I will see what the therapist has to say as well. I can’t wait until the day that I can post in this forum about how I have healed from all of this. I look forward to that day.
ChristinaMarch 5, 2019 at 9:37 am #283107
I think it is very likely that I triggered memories of that event from when I was younger. Everyone who I have talked to says that it is not the act itself, but something that I triggered so I think you were right all along for trying to delve into my past experiences to find an explanation. It makes me very sad that s0mething so small has caused all of this damage, and I’m hoping it will all go back to normal with time. I have a feeling that once my sleep goes back to normal, things will start to look up. Do you think this loss of feeling is only temporary? I love my boyfriend so much, and I want to be able to feel those feelings again. This past Sunday, I was honest with him and told him how I feel numb and feel unable to love and almost broke up with him because I don’t want to hurt him, but he said he wants to help me get through this. I’m trying to find an excuse for why I can’t sleep at night, and sometimes I wonder if breaking up is the only option for me to get better. My boyfriend says this isn’t about me or him, it’s something much deeper and I think he’s right. I’m just feeling impatient and hopeless. I feel like all of our future plans are ruined because of my mental state at the moment.
ChristinaMarch 5, 2019 at 8:29 am #283083
It’s nice to hear from you again. I do remember something from when I was little that made me feel very ashamed. As you know, my mother was never around when I was young. However, I would visit her sometimes when she lived/worked in New Jersey, and when she had to work, she would have her friend babysit me. Her friend had a daughter who I would hang out with when she “babysat” me, and I was around 5 or 6 years old at this time. Her daughter and I would hang out in a separate room, and she would make me engage in fake sexual acts with her. She would ask me if I wanted to play “mommy and daddy,” and she would make me pretend to have sex with her with clothes on (she would sit on top of me or I would sit on top of her). This happened multiple times, and it made me feel very uncomfortable and gross. I eventually told my mom about it, and she stopped bringing me to their house. However, when my step sisters came into the picture, something similar happened again. I asked them if they wanted to play “mommy and daddy” and my younger step sister agreed. I felt so ashamed and gross for wanting to play it when it made me feel uncomfortable before. I remember trying to block the memory from my head as I got older. I’m not sure if this is the cause of all of this, but it was something that made me feel dirty.
ChristinaJanuary 29, 2019 at 12:01 pm #277639
You made a bunch of great points. I know my boyfriend can’t help who he’s attracted to and if he stares, he doesn’t do it purposely, but like you said, I am allowed to feel jealous. I wish there was a way of not letting those jealous feelings get the best of me when drunk. If I’m feeling jealous, I should just stop drinking in the moment because those feelings will only get worse. I agree with you that this is still a non-incident. Thank you for delving deep and trying to help me figure out why I am having these feelings. I think you have a true gift given the way you’re able to help people with their problems on this forum. You take the time out of your day to answer us, and you’ve helped me feel not alone so I thank you for that!
~ChristinaJanuary 29, 2019 at 9:17 am #277587
I was about 6/7 when my step mother came into my life. I was probably around 10 years old when I started to critique the things she did. And yes, we were very different. Maybe deep down I didn’t think she was good enough for my father? She is not a nice woman and moved out of our house out of no where and took almost all of our furniture and was just very spiteful for no reason, so maybe I just sensed that she wasn’t a good person all along.
A little bit off topic, but there’s something that has been bothering me about the New Years incident that I am having trouble accepting. I think I mentioned this in one of my earlier replies to you, but I got jealous over something silly earlier that night. At the first bar, my boyfriend’s roommate asked us to name our top 5 celebrity crushes because there were celebrities on TV for the ball drop. I named a few, and then my boyfriend said that he likes Mila Kunis (from That 70’s Show). When I’m drunk, I get extra jealous, so him saying that really bothered me. For some reason, I have it drilled in my head that he has a type – dark brown hair and dark-colored eyes- because that is what his ex of 7 years looked like. I have dirty-blonde hair and blue eyes, so complete opposite. Also, when I see him staring at girls or think that he is, it seems to be girls of that type usually. I’m starting to learn that he just stares at people in general and is very observant, but when we first started dating I wasn’t used to it. He doesn’t like check out girls or do anything disrespectful, but I notice when something catches his eye. Also, there was this one girl at college who I saw him staring at a few times who lived near me, and it really bothered me for some reason, so I looked up her Facebook, and I saw he liked her profile picture which was a selfie. She has a boyfriend, but for some reason that really stung because I had seen him staring at her previously so I thought he might have a crush or something. I confronted him about it, and he said they always like each other’s pictures and that it wasn’t a big deal so I decided to let it go because I love him so much. On NYE, him saying that he liked Mila Kunis brought back those jealous feelings again because she has dark hair and dark eyes like his ex and the girl who’s picture he liked. With that said, I’m nervous I might have acted out of character and agreed to give his roommate an innocent peck due to my feelings of jealousy and not being enough or his type. I fear I might have done it to be petty. I know all of these jealous feelings might sound silly to you..is it okay to feel that way sometimes? I don’t want to get jealous but it just happens. I realize it happens more when I’m drinking, and I hate it.
~ChristinaJanuary 29, 2019 at 7:44 am #277567
I think you’re right about all that. This really isn’t a big deal, but I’m obsessing over it for some reason, possibly due to past traumas.
All I can remember is that when I was younger, I would give my step mother a lot of attitude and I would get annoyed with things that she did. I hated that she smoked, I hated when she tried to dress “young” for her age, I hated that she went tanning, etc etc and I would call her out on all of that stuff. Once again, I feel like it ties back to my perfectionism. The things she did bothered me so much for some reason, possibly because I wanted to be in control. I wanted her to be the perfect mother-figure. I think we just had very different personalities, and that’s why we clashed. I’m type-A, whereas she was complete opposite.
ChristinaJanuary 29, 2019 at 7:13 am #277559
Yes, that is all correct. The fact that that incident happened makes me feel like I’m not worthy of my boyfriend’s love and that I don’t deserve him. I don’t understand how he let it go so quickly, when I probably would have been very upset if I were in his shoes. He is so forgiving and not as jealous as I am, and I wish I possessed that within me. I just feel so gross and dirty because of the whole thing and wonder what he still sees in me. This is all probably due to my overthinking, but I just feel really bad. I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I actually was so upset about it all that I messaged my boyfriend’s roommate this morning and apologized for if I made him feel uncomfortable because for all I know he could have just been saying the New Years kiss thing jokingly, but his response actually made me feel a lot better. He laughed (through text) and said that I didn’t do anything wrong and that we’re all good so that was a huge relief.
ChristinaJanuary 28, 2019 at 4:40 pm #277467
Thank you for making me realize that it was okay to feel jealous and hateful towards my step mom. I didn’t want to feel that way, but I was so used to having my dad’s undivided attention until she came into the picture. She brought a lot of unwanted baggage into our lives, and she eventually left my dad, which was truly a blessing in disguise. He was heartbroken, but she and her children brought so much stress and chaos into our lives. Now it’s just me and my dad, and it’s really nice (I just graduated from college in May and am living at home to save up some money). What’s funny is that now that I get all of my dad’s attention, I hate it! He’s starting to become clingy because I want to move to the city where my boyfriend lives (my college town). I just want to be independent! I completely understand where he’s coming from though since I’m his only child.
On the topic of the innocent peck on the ear, I’m not so sure if that bothers me because of the affection I saw my dad and stepmom give each other; I like the way you think though. I really just don’t like my loss of control in that moment and the fact that I did something out of character. I’m a very big people pleaser and am always trying to make people like me, so I think that definitely played a large role in my impulsive decision, even in my drunken state. I’m also just sickened by the fact that my boyfriend’s roommate, in a way, took advantage when my boyfriend wasn’t around for a minute. I’m not happy with myself for giving in, even if it had no ill-intent, and I’m just sad because the night could’ve gone completely different if he hadn’t tagged along with us. I’m angry that he came with us because now I’m suffering from the pain of doing something out of character. Talking to you all has been really helping though, so I appreciate you!
ChristinaJanuary 28, 2019 at 2:55 pm #277441
When my step mom and step sisters entered into my life, my dad’s attention was not solely on me anymore, especially because my step sisters caused a lot of issues and stress in the household. However, I don’t remember really being jealous of this change.
In regards to my step mom, she was good to me for the most part and took on the mother role that my own mother failed to do. However, we did not really get along, and it might have been because deep down I was jealous that I had to share my dad’s attention with her. I didn’t realize that when I was younger, but it makes more sense to me now.
ChristinaJanuary 28, 2019 at 2:51 pm #277437
From what it sounds like, it will just take time and maturity to get better at not overthinking. I appreciate your tips, and I’m going to try to put them to use. Also, thank you so much for the book recommendation. I am actually in my first year out of college now (22 y.o.) and working, so I need something to keep me busy when I have free time. I will definitely look into giving that a read. Thank you so much again for your input and for understanding where I’m coming from; it’s nice to know I am not alone! I’m hoping that within the next few weeks, the thoughts will start to go away and I can start to move on from it all. I know that what I did was innocent, so I just need to keep reminding myself that and try not to replay the situation in my head because then that just leads to the bad thoughts again.
~ChristinaJanuary 28, 2019 at 1:20 pm #277407
From a fellow over thinker, thank you SO much for that. I am so thankful to have this outlet to vent to or else I would go crazy. I really am trying to convince myself that I’m a cheater, and I keep putting myself down. One minute, I’ll be positive about it all and tell myself I didn’t do anything wrong really, but I always retreat into this pit of despair, to the point where I can’t eat or sleep. I analyze the situation over and over again, replaying it in my head and wonder if I actually did mean something by it (but I know I didn’t). I feel like I am going crazy over it, and it’s really scary. You mentioned how you are a recovering over-thinker..how did you overcome it? My overthinking has negatively impacted my relationship in other instances, and I don’t want it to ruin it over this. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.
January 28, 2019 at 11:39 am #277391
- This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by Christina.
I don’t mind answering that at all. Growing up, my father and I were very close, and I could go to him for anything. I had a step mom and step sisters in the picture for 6 years, and during that time, I didn’t have all of my dad’s attention anymore, which didn’t really bother me. My dad and step mom split up about 8 years ago, and my dad has been single ever since. I am still very close with my dad, and I think we have a great relationship. I don’t think there is really a deep-rooted issue regarding this. I just feel so guilty for what I did, even though I didn’t mean any harm in the moment, and I can’t stop beating myself up over it. It makes me nauseous thinking I could ever hurt my boyfriend unintentionally.
~ChristinaJanuary 27, 2019 at 2:54 pm #277279
No worries! Yes, you got it.
About me being the jealous one: I notice little things about my boyfriend, I’m very observant. When he looks/stares at girls, I always notice, and it bothers me and sometimes I make it known. I also just get jealous over little things like “likes” on social media, but I don’t make them known. I feel like a little bit of jealousy is normal in a relationship; I definitely don’t let it impact our relationship. The fact that he was acting jealous over something last weekend really upset me because he usually is never like that, so I automatically assumed it was because of the kiss-on-the-ear incident. Ever since he showed a tinge of jealousy and assumed something that wasn’t true, it was eye-opening. When I am that way towards him, I think nothing of it, but once I was in his shoes, it really stung. Now I know how he feels when I accuse him of things or assume what he’s feeling, so I don’t want to ever make him feel that way. I’m scared that the peck on the ear thing is going to make him always jealous about things, which terrifies me because I don’t ever want him to feel insecure.