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Christina

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  • #274539

    Christina
    Participant

    Anita,

    Although your mother provided for you, I’m sure you had your reasonings for why you were angry with her! Unless it was just hormones and the yearning to be independent? I find it interesting how we have similar feelings towards our mothers but one of ours was present growing up and one was not.

    Well my parents got divorced when I was at a very young age, and my father got sole custody of me because my mother decided she wanted to move and do travel nursing. I have half siblings through my mother, but two of them were old enough to live on their own at the time and another lived with her own father. My mother is a very selfish woman sadly, as can be seen from her decision to pursue travel nursing rather than raise her youngest children. My mother had a very rough upbringing and my grandmother was terrible to her so that definitely accounts for her behavior, but it upsets me that she didn’t want to be a better mother than her own mother. However, I was raised by my dad who is an amazing man and I’m very thankful for him. My mother stopped travel nursing and came back to live in the area when I was in middle school, so she has been around, but I rarely see her. I would spend some weekends with her when I was younger, but it seemed like it was only for her benefit because she would have me mostly clean for her and wouldn’t spend quality time with me. Therefore, I am rightfully angry with her, but I don’t let it take over my everyday life luckily. I’ve just learned from her behavior and know how much better I want to be with my future children. Also, I feel as though my fear of making mistakes stems back to my childhood and my mother because I don’t want to be anything like her (just a guess though).

     

    Christina

    #274073

    Christina
    Participant

    Anita,

    Well, my mother lacks maternal instinct, and she never took part in raising me. She has never been there for me emotionally, I can never talk to her about anything. Also, she is an extreme narcissist, so whenever I do talk about myself, the conversation always ends up revolving around her. I think she doesn’t have the capability of being an actual “mother,” which isn’t exactly her fault, but her lack of being a mother still upsets me. It saddens me that I will never experience what my friends do with their mothers.

    Christina

    #274067

    Christina
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    When I first started this thread, I really did feel like I did something wrong because that was something that was out of character for me (even though it was innocent), but after reading all of your replies, I’ve come to realize that I was just overreacting and it really was nothing major! So I’m very thankful for all of you. 🙂 I tend to overthink a lot, so it’s nice to get some reassurance from others.

    On the topic of mothers, I’m very sorry you had the same feelings towards your own mother. I personally do not feel bad for my negative feelings toward my mother and don’t believe I am a bad person for having them because of all of the things she did/didn’t do. Why do you feel like a bad person for having those feelings towards your mother? I’m assuming she must have done something bad for you to have those feelings.

    Christina

    #273931

    Christina
    Participant

    Mark,

    I think you’re right! There definitely was nooo emotional connection, it wasn’t like we were flirting before or after it happened or anything like that. I am not attracted to that guy whatsoever, and he knows how serious my boyfriend and I are. The way I look at it now is that I probably made that guy’s night and made him not feel so lonely, so it was a good deed in the end LOL!

    Christina

    #273929

    Christina
    Participant

    Anita,

    I believe you have misunderstood what I meant by me having good character. I wasn’t referring to my perfectionism, I was referring to the fact that I got so upset over a pity New Years peck on the ear of a friend. I think that shows that I am inherently a good person and am not capable of actually cheating because something so innocent bothered me so much. I understand your concerns in regards to how I will raise my future children, but I can assure you that I would NEVER hold them to such high standards. I don’t enjoy being so hard on myself and I wish I didn’t strive for perfection because I’m just inflicting pain on myself. I would never want my future children to feel that way. I believe that I only hold myself to such high standards because my boyfriend, for example, is far from perfect but I love his imperfections. He has very different views than me, he’s sooo forgetful, he’s a big drinker compared to me, etc but I have never chastised him nor tried to control him/change him. Therefore, I don’t believe I would push perfectionism on my children. My mother was absent throughout my childhood, so I want to be the most loving and genuine mother that I can be who my children love and actually enjoy being around. I don’t want to hurt them or make them have negative feelings toward me like I do towards my own mother. There I go again striving for perfection, but I promise it does not and will not impact those around me! 🙂

    #273921

    Christina
    Participant

    Inky,

    Wow, I think you hit it right on the nail! I think that is definitely it. I don’t like that I didn’t have control and that I didn’t even think twice about giving him a peck on the cheek/ear. It also bothers me that it might have been done when my boyfriend wasn’t around because then it feels like it was secretive or wrong (I really can’t remember if he was there or not sadly). I felt like I should let him know I did that though, and that I did, tears and all! I just would never ever want to hurt him, so it made me upset that I did that, even though it was an innocent pity peck like you said. Also, I agree that I’m scared that I could cheat when drunk after this whole situation. I would never even imagine doing that to my boyfriend, but I’m scared of my actions and thoughts changing when I’m drunk and not in control. Also, I’m fairly new to drinking and getting drunk; I started drinking a couple years ago, so I’m still learning about my drunk self and what I’m capable of. I guess it’s just a wake up call for me that I need to be careful when I drink and not get out of control. Inky, thank you so much for your input and for making me feel better!

     

    ~Christina

    #273549

    Christina
    Participant

    Mark,

    Thank you for giving me your perspective. You are correct; the alcohol impaired my mental power and resulted in me acting out of character. It makes me feel good knowing I would never do that when in the right (sober) mind. You are also right about me being human. I strive to be perfect in all that I do in life including my role as a girlfriend, so I feel as though I let myself and my boyfriend down. I just have to remember that I’m human, and I can’t be perfect. I know that the peck on the ear was not ill-intentioned, given my nature in everyday life, but it’s frustrating to not know all of the context surrounding it due to being intoxicated, which is my own fault. Thank you for reminding me that I AM human, and I’m not always going to have my life in order. Like you said, I can just learn from this experience (which is not so serious) and make sure nothing worse ever happens when I’m intoxicated.

    #273533

    Christina
    Participant

    Anita,

    I didn’t think of it like that, but you’re right. I guess we’re both at fault. It just bothers me that I was the one to do the “kissing” since I’m in a relationship. The friend is not a threat, but I can’t help but feel like a cheater for some reason. Also, earlier in the night, I got jealous over something and I’m nervous that the jealousy was what drove my actions after his roommate said something about not getting a kiss. I think I’m looking into it too deeply, but I can’t stop! It’s awful. I doubt my boyfriend has even been thinking about it, but I can’t seem to let it go, which I guess is a good thing because it shows my character. I’m going to try to look at the situation the way you did and hopefully it helps me forget about it all. Thank you for your input!

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