Dear GL,

The reason why my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend has been brought up is because I knew her and I knew of my boyfriend when they were still in a relationship, so I heard about the whole cheating scandal from friends before I even met him. His ex-girlfriend went on a spring break trip and slept with someone else and never told him, and he ended up having to find out about it months later from someone else. She also treated him poorly in general and walked all over him, so I would never want to be anything like that. When we first started dating, we would talk about our pasts, and when his ex-girlfriend would get brought up, he’d refer to her as “the whore,” which definitely bothered me because it made me feel like he wasn’t completely over her. Therefore, I would get jealous and bring her up sometimes, which has caused some issues in our relationship. Also, whenever music by the rapper Drake is on, he says “f*ck Drake,” and I learned earlier on in the relationship that he doesn’t like Drake because the guy his ex slept with was obsessed with him. He doesn’t say it often, but when he does, it makes me feel insecure because it seems like he’s still stuck on the past when he claims he isn’t. My boyfriend and I started dating about 6 months after his breakup with his ex, so I don’t think he had enough time to heal, which has caused issues in our relationship due to me being insecure over his ex. It worries me that I kissed his friend’s ear on NYE due to feeling insecure in the relationship, which is not entirely his fault. I think these are things I need to work through and talk about in therapy. I need to find the root cause of why my reaction was so extreme to something so little. I had plans to move closer to my boyfriend, but I think it needs to be put on hold until I resolve what I am going through. I really hope my future plans with my boyfriend aren’t ruined and that we make it through this because I don’t want to end up with anyone else. From the beginning, I felt something different and knew he was the one, so I’m very confused by my feelings at the moment. I just want my passionate feelings for him to come back.

Christina

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for your input, it has helped me greatly. I have an appointment with a therapist set up for this coming Monday, and it will have to be a once a week thing unfortunately due to the costs (my insurance has a high deductible). I think I have always been an anxious person and could have always used therapy, and my extreme reaction to that event has made it even more clear. I’m so scared of hurting my boyfriend, and I feel like asking him to just be friends for the moment will do just that. I think I will see what the therapist has to say as well. I can’t wait until the day that I can post in this forum about how I have healed from all of this. I look forward to that day.

Christina

Hi Anita,

It’s nice to hear from you again. I do remember something from when I was little that made me feel very ashamed. As you know, my mother was never around when I was young. However, I would visit her sometimes when she lived/worked in New Jersey, and when she had to work, she would have her friend babysit me. Her friend had a daughter who I would hang out with when she “babysat” me, and I was around 5 or 6 years old at this time. Her daughter and I would hang out in a separate room, and she would make me engage in fake sexual acts with her. She would ask me if I wanted to play “mommy and daddy,” and she would make me pretend to have sex with her with clothes on (she would sit on top of me or I would sit on top of her). This happened multiple times, and it made me feel very uncomfortable and gross. I eventually told my mom about it, and she stopped bringing me to their house. However, when my step sisters came into the picture, something similar happened again. I asked them if they wanted to play “mommy and daddy” and my younger step sister agreed. I felt so ashamed and gross for wanting to play it when it made me feel uncomfortable before. I remember trying to block the memory from my head as I got older. I’m not sure if this is the cause of all of this, but it was something that made me feel dirty.

Christina

Dear Anita,

I was about 6/7 when my step mother came into my life. I was probably around 10 years old when I started to critique the things she did. And yes, we were very different. Maybe deep down I didn’t think she was good enough for my father? She is not a nice woman and moved out of our house out of no where and took almost all of our furniture and was just very spiteful for no reason, so maybe I just sensed that she wasn’t a good person all along.

A little bit off topic, but there’s something that has been bothering me about the New Years incident that I am having trouble accepting. I think I mentioned this in one of my earlier replies to you, but I got jealous over something silly earlier that night. At the first bar, my boyfriend’s roommate asked us to name our top 5 celebrity crushes because there were celebrities on TV for the ball drop. I named a few, and then my boyfriend said that he likes Mila Kunis (from That 70’s Show). When I’m drunk, I get extra jealous, so him saying that really bothered me. For some reason, I have it drilled in my head that he has a type – dark brown hair and dark-colored eyes- because that is what his ex of 7 years looked like. I have dirty-blonde hair and blue eyes, so complete opposite. Also, when I see him staring at girls or think that he is, it seems to be girls of that type usually. I’m starting to learn that he just stares at people in general and is very observant, but when we first started dating I wasn’t used to it. He doesn’t like check out girls or do anything disrespectful, but I notice when something catches his eye. Also, there was this one girl at college who I saw him staring at a few times who lived near me, and it really bothered me for some reason, so I looked up her Facebook, and I saw he liked her profile picture which was a selfie. She has a boyfriend, but for some reason that really stung because I had seen him staring at her previously so I thought he might have a crush or something. I confronted him about it, and he said they always like each other’s pictures and that it wasn’t a big deal so I decided to let it go because I love him so much. On NYE, him saying that he liked Mila Kunis brought back those jealous feelings again because she has dark hair and dark eyes like his ex and the girl who’s picture he liked. With that said, I’m nervous I might have acted out of character and agreed to give his roommate an innocent peck due to my feelings of jealousy and not being enough or his type. I fear I might have done it to be petty. I know all of these jealous feelings might sound silly to you..is it okay to feel that way sometimes? I don’t want to get jealous but it just happens. I realize it happens more when I’m drinking, and I hate it.

~Christina

Dear Anita,

Yes, that is all correct. The fact that that incident happened makes me feel like I’m not worthy of my boyfriend’s love and that I don’t deserve him. I don’t understand how he let it go so quickly, when I probably would have been very upset if I were in his shoes. He is so forgiving and not as jealous as I am, and I wish I possessed that within me. I just feel so gross and dirty because of the whole thing and wonder what he still sees in me. This is all probably due to my overthinking, but I just feel really bad. I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I actually was so upset about it all that I messaged my boyfriend’s roommate this morning and apologized for if I made him feel uncomfortable because for all I know he could have just been saying the New Years kiss thing jokingly, but his response actually made me feel a lot better. He laughed (through text) and said that I didn’t do anything wrong and that we’re all good so that was a huge relief.

Christina

Anita,

When my step mom and step sisters entered into my life, my dad’s attention was not solely on me anymore, especially because my step sisters caused a lot of issues and stress in the household. However, I don’t remember really being jealous of this change.

In regards to my step mom, she was good to me for the most part and took on the mother role that my own mother failed to do. However, we did not really get along, and it might have been because deep down I was jealous that I had to share my dad’s attention with her. I didn’t realize that when I was younger, but it makes more sense to me now.

Christina

Hi Katie,

From a fellow over thinker, thank you SO much for that. I am so thankful to have this outlet to vent to or else I would go crazy. I really am trying to convince myself that I’m a cheater, and I keep putting myself down. One minute, I’ll be positive about it all and tell myself I didn’t do anything wrong really, but I always retreat into this pit of despair, to the point where I can’t eat or sleep. I analyze the situation over and over again, replaying it in my head and wonder if I actually did mean something by it (but I know I didn’t). I feel like I am going crazy over it, and it’s really scary. You mentioned how you are a recovering over-thinker..how did you overcome it? My overthinking has negatively impacted my relationship in other instances, and I don’t want it to ruin it over this. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

~Christina

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Christina.

Dear Anita,

No worries! Yes, you got it.

About me being the jealous one: I notice little things about my boyfriend, I’m very observant. When he looks/stares at girls, I always notice, and it bothers me and sometimes I make it known. I also just get jealous over little things like “likes” on social media, but I don’t make them known. I feel like a little bit of jealousy is normal in a relationship; I definitely don’t let it impact our relationship. The fact that he was acting jealous over something last weekend really upset me because he usually is never like that, so I automatically assumed it was because of the kiss-on-the-ear incident. Ever since he showed a tinge of jealousy and assumed something that wasn’t true, it was eye-opening. When I am that way towards him, I think nothing of it, but once I was in his shoes, it really stung. Now I know how he feels when I accuse him of things or assume what he’s feeling, so I don’t want to ever make him feel that way. I’m scared that the peck on the ear thing is going to make him always jealous about things, which terrifies me because I don’t ever want him to feel insecure.

Christina