January 9, 2019 at 2:41 pm #273523
Hello, I come here for help because I am really struggling with something I did while very drunk. Just to preface, I have been in a relationship with my amazing boyfriend for almost a year and a half now. We met junior year of college and are now going strong doing long distance temporarily after having graduated. My boyfriend is simply amazing; we know we are the ones for each other and already talk about getting married and having babies. There’s no other man I could see myself with, and no one else compares to him in my eyes. Unfortunately, he had a rough breakup with his ex (which is why the story I’m about to share really bothers me). His ex cheated on him (slept with someone else) and never told him, and he had to find out from the girlfriend of the guy she slept with about 6 months later. Come to find out, she had been seeing other guys as well behind his back. Needless to say, I would never ever want to be anything like her and she disgusts me.
About a week ago, I went to visit my boyfriend so that we could be together on NYE like any couple would. We didn’t have any big plans, so we just went out to a few bars with his roommate. Now, his roommate is a really big pot head/loner who doesn’t get out much, and he hasn’t had a girlfriend in years. We feel bad for the guy, and I’m close with him so I didn’t mind him coming with us. We pregamed and then went out around 9 pm to our first destination, where I got pretty drunk. I mixed alcoholic beverages, which is never a good decision. Also, I am very small and tend to get drunk very easily. My boyfriend decided we should go to the bar across the street and by the time we got there, I was very drunk and I even vocalized it. My boyfriend asked if I wanted another drink, and I said I shouldn’t because I felt I had hit my max. My oh so generous boyfriend didn’t listen and bought me a vodka soda, which I felt I had to drink. Midnight hit and I of course went over to my boyfriend to give him a big smooch, and I could tell his friend felt weird because he is very much single. I felt bad for flaunting our relationship, but it was a special occasion. From that point on I don’t remember anything from the rest of the night, except for one tidbit when my boyfriend’s friend said something like “oh I didn’t get a new year’s kiss” (which is very inappropriate now that I think about it), so being the nice person/push-over that I am, I leaned to the side and gave him a quick peck on the ear (I think I was aiming for his cheek but luckily my drunk aim was off). What’s scary is that I can’t remember if my boyfriend was there or not, and it really bothers me. I know it was just a peck on the ear, but I would never do that sober so I’m very disturbed by it and by the fact that he would put me in that position. It bothered me so much that right after I started sobbing and told my boyfriend “I kissed *insert name*’s ear.” I fell asleep crying about it and woke up wondering why that even happened. My boyfriend, the most understanding person I know, didn’t care and brushed it away right off the bat because he knows how loyal I am, but I can’t seem to forgive myself. I don’t understand why his friend would say that to me, and I’m mad at myself for feeling bad for him and giving in. It just felt wrong.
I have been thinking about this non-stop for the past week to the point that I now have anxiety-induced chest pains that won’t go away. When I keep myself busy and am around other people, I feel better, but when I’m working (which is in a quiet lab setting unfortunately) I just replay the situation over and over again in my head. How do I move on from this and stop letting it take over my life? I definitely learned a lesson that I should stop drinking when I know I have reached my limit, but how do I stop hating myself over something like this? I know it might sound silly to you all, but I am very hard on myself and have high standards so I feel like I let myself down. I keep comparing myself to my boyfriend’s ex and think that I’m just like her, and I’m really hurting. Any kind words to help me through this guilt would be greatly appreciated.January 9, 2019 at 2:57 pm #273529
You asked: “how do I stop hating myself over (“kissing a guy’s ear when drunk)”?
Well, let’s see what this self hate is about: “I am very hard on myself and have high standards so I feel like I let myself down”-
My suggestion is that you lower your expectations of yourself so to match your imperfect nature as well as your boyfriend’s. After all, your boyfriend asked you if you wanted another drink, you told him that you shouldn’t because you were drunk and he “didn’t listen and bought (you) a vodka soda”-
does he hate himself for that? He shouldn’t. He made a mistake. Maybe his own alcohol drinking led to his unwise choice to buy you another drink. Well, you made a lesser mistake and kissed his roommate’s ear. Forgive him and forgive yourself.
anitaJanuary 9, 2019 at 3:19 pm #273533
I didn’t think of it like that, but you’re right. I guess we’re both at fault. It just bothers me that I was the one to do the “kissing” since I’m in a relationship. The friend is not a threat, but I can’t help but feel like a cheater for some reason. Also, earlier in the night, I got jealous over something and I’m nervous that the jealousy was what drove my actions after his roommate said something about not getting a kiss. I think I’m looking into it too deeply, but I can’t stop! It’s awful. I doubt my boyfriend has even been thinking about it, but I can’t seem to let it go, which I guess is a good thing because it shows my character. I’m going to try to look at the situation the way you did and hopefully it helps me forget about it all. Thank you for your input!January 9, 2019 at 3:42 pm #273537
You are welcome.
You wrote you are afraid to be like his ex girlfriend, but his ex girlfriend met several guys behind his back, that took probably sober intent and execution of a plan, each time, to meet this man and the other. It is very different than one impulsive kiss-on-the ear (aiming at the cheek) when under the influence of alcohol, which was provided to you by your boyfriend who made a mistake doing so.
A very different situation.
There will be more situation where you will feel jealous at something, have a thought you will not be proud of, a feeling you wish you didn’t have, and I hope you don’t beat yourself up for thoughts and feelings because we don’t choose those, we are not responsible for the thoughts and feelings that occur to us or appear out of nowhere.
Post again if it may help you.
anitaJanuary 9, 2019 at 4:01 pm #273545
One of the definitions of drunk is “having the faculties impaired by alcohol.” I see there is a difference of how we behave if we have our faculties or not.
I see our lives as a series of actions that we are proud of, ashamed of, regretful of, happy about, etc. This means we are human. If those of us learn from our mistakes, work on making ourselves a better person from our past experiences, then all the more good we can be in this world. We do ourselves, our friends and family, and the world no good if we carry around guilt and regret. We make amends, learn and move on.
If you cannot do that then I suggest you look up ways of giving yourself self-compassion.
MarkJanuary 9, 2019 at 4:53 pm #273549
Thank you for giving me your perspective. You are correct; the alcohol impaired my mental power and resulted in me acting out of character. It makes me feel good knowing I would never do that when in the right (sober) mind. You are also right about me being human. I strive to be perfect in all that I do in life including my role as a girlfriend, so I feel as though I let myself and my boyfriend down. I just have to remember that I’m human, and I can’t be perfect. I know that the peck on the ear was not ill-intentioned, given my nature in everyday life, but it’s frustrating to not know all of the context surrounding it due to being intoxicated, which is my own fault. Thank you for reminding me that I AM human, and I’m not always going to have my life in order. Like you said, I can just learn from this experience (which is not so serious) and make sure nothing worse ever happens when I’m intoxicated.January 10, 2019 at 2:00 pm #273715
As someone who quit drinking after a collection of decades of making choices that resulted in me hating myself, I recommend quitting drinking. If you still make the same mistakes, well- you have removed that from the equation. We are all just doing the best we can, keep on keeping on.January 11, 2019 at 5:09 am #273797
We are all human, especially when we are drunk!
You’re freaking out because you pity-kissed-someone-on-the-ear while drunk. Guess what? If you were stone sober and gave him a peck on the cheek that would be OK too!
You are terrified of your loss of control, of the possibility that you COULD theoretically cheat on your boyfriend and of the fact that you are more alike than different from his ex GF, despite her seeing more guys IRL than in a Japanese dating simulation game.
It is all about compassion. Even compassion towards our self.
January 11, 2019 at 8:08 am #273839
- This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by Inky.
I have a concern. You wrote: “we know we are the ones for each other and already talk about getting married and having babies”. I am concerned for your future children.
You wrote: “I can’t seem to let it go, which I guess is a good thing because it shows my character… I strive to be perfect in all that I do in life”. If this is what you teach your future children, that they too must be perfect I n all that they do, they will be miserable children!
Because perfection is not possible. Children need gentle guidance, not to be beaten, figuratively if not literally, for not achieving perfection. This will make them very anxious, alarmed every time they do something imperfectly. They will not have the freedom to explore, they will be focused on their moment-to-moment mistakes as bad, bad things.
It really is not “a good thing”, and it doesn’t show good character to demand perfection of ourselves or others. Gently guide ourselves and others to function more and more effectively, yes.
Strive for Progress, not Perfection. Perfection will keep you stuck and dysfunctional. Progress will motivate you to improve and improve.
January 11, 2019 at 5:02 pm #273921
- This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by anita.
Wow, I think you hit it right on the nail! I think that is definitely it. I don’t like that I didn’t have control and that I didn’t even think twice about giving him a peck on the cheek/ear. It also bothers me that it might have been done when my boyfriend wasn’t around because then it feels like it was secretive or wrong (I really can’t remember if he was there or not sadly). I felt like I should let him know I did that though, and that I did, tears and all! I just would never ever want to hurt him, so it made me upset that I did that, even though it was an innocent pity peck like you said. Also, I agree that I’m scared that I could cheat when drunk after this whole situation. I would never even imagine doing that to my boyfriend, but I’m scared of my actions and thoughts changing when I’m drunk and not in control. Also, I’m fairly new to drinking and getting drunk; I started drinking a couple years ago, so I’m still learning about my drunk self and what I’m capable of. I guess it’s just a wake up call for me that I need to be careful when I drink and not get out of control. Inky, thank you so much for your input and for making me feel better!
~ChristinaJanuary 11, 2019 at 5:11 pm #273927
As an older man, I really don’t think that a “peck on the cheek” is cheating since I did not see any emotional connection involved.
I have an committed and lovely girlfriend. We are over our 50s. Kissing is not cheating in my mind. I trust her. She has been kissed by a mutual male friend. It’s not a big deal for 1) he knows that we are committed partners and 2) she is committed to me.
What are you thoughts about that?
MarkJanuary 11, 2019 at 5:34 pm #273929
I believe you have misunderstood what I meant by me having good character. I wasn’t referring to my perfectionism, I was referring to the fact that I got so upset over a pity New Years peck on the ear of a friend. I think that shows that I am inherently a good person and am not capable of actually cheating because something so innocent bothered me so much. I understand your concerns in regards to how I will raise my future children, but I can assure you that I would NEVER hold them to such high standards. I don’t enjoy being so hard on myself and I wish I didn’t strive for perfection because I’m just inflicting pain on myself. I would never want my future children to feel that way. I believe that I only hold myself to such high standards because my boyfriend, for example, is far from perfect but I love his imperfections. He has very different views than me, he’s sooo forgetful, he’s a big drinker compared to me, etc but I have never chastised him nor tried to control him/change him. Therefore, I don’t believe I would push perfectionism on my children. My mother was absent throughout my childhood, so I want to be the most loving and genuine mother that I can be who my children love and actually enjoy being around. I don’t want to hurt them or make them have negative feelings toward me like I do towards my own mother. There I go again striving for perfection, but I promise it does not and will not impact those around me! 🙂January 11, 2019 at 5:43 pm #273931
I think you’re right! There definitely was nooo emotional connection, it wasn’t like we were flirting before or after it happened or anything like that. I am not attracted to that guy whatsoever, and he knows how serious my boyfriend and I are. The way I look at it now is that I probably made that guy’s night and made him not feel so lonely, so it was a good deed in the end LOL!
ChristinaJanuary 12, 2019 at 7:26 am #273965
I am glad to read that you don’t intend to impose impossible expectations on your future children!
You wrote in your recent note to me: “I got so upset over a pity New Years peck on the ear of a friend. I think that shows that I am inherently a good person and am not capable of actually cheating because something so innocent bothered me so much”-
-So you know that it really was a “pity New Years peck”, that it was “something so innocent”. You knew it before you started this thread. What this tells me is that you worry that you are not a good person and therefore has this drive to prove that you are a good person, prove it by exhibiting to him/ and here on this thread, great concern over this something-so-innocent.
You wrote regarding your future children: “I don’t want to hurt them or make them have negative feelings toward me like I do towards my own mother”-
-I had very “negative feelings” toward my own mother, and that by itself, made me feel that I was a bad person. Was/ is it the same with you?
anitaJanuary 13, 2019 at 7:10 am #274067
When I first started this thread, I really did feel like I did something wrong because that was something that was out of character for me (even though it was innocent), but after reading all of your replies, I’ve come to realize that I was just overreacting and it really was nothing major! So I’m very thankful for all of you. 🙂 I tend to overthink a lot, so it’s nice to get some reassurance from others.
On the topic of mothers, I’m very sorry you had the same feelings towards your own mother. I personally do not feel bad for my negative feelings toward my mother and don’t believe I am a bad person for having them because of all of the things she did/didn’t do. Why do you feel like a bad person for having those feelings towards your mother? I’m assuming she must have done something bad for you to have those feelings.