January 28, 2019 at 3:09 pm #277443
I can’t think of a child not being jealous, not being significantly distressed when she loses the attention of the most important person in her life.
“deep down I was jealous that I had to share my dad’s attention with her. I didn’t realize that when I was younger”- I think you did realize it when you were younger, but you did what children do, remove distress from awareness, because being well aware of distress day after day, week after week, year after year, for whole six years (which for a child is eternity), is unbearable.
Maybe it seems to you that the kiss on the ear of your boyfriend’s roommate was such a horrible thing because as a child you felt that horrible when you witnessed your father kiss your step mother, or show her affection otherwise. What do you think?
I will soon be away from the computer for about fifteen hours. I will be glad to read more from you when I am back.
January 28, 2019 at 3:10 pm #277445
- This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by anita.
* didn’t reflect under TopicsJanuary 28, 2019 at 4:40 pm #277467
Thank you for making me realize that it was okay to feel jealous and hateful towards my step mom. I didn’t want to feel that way, but I was so used to having my dad’s undivided attention until she came into the picture. She brought a lot of unwanted baggage into our lives, and she eventually left my dad, which was truly a blessing in disguise. He was heartbroken, but she and her children brought so much stress and chaos into our lives. Now it’s just me and my dad, and it’s really nice (I just graduated from college in May and am living at home to save up some money). What’s funny is that now that I get all of my dad’s attention, I hate it! He’s starting to become clingy because I want to move to the city where my boyfriend lives (my college town). I just want to be independent! I completely understand where he’s coming from though since I’m his only child.
On the topic of the innocent peck on the ear, I’m not so sure if that bothers me because of the affection I saw my dad and stepmom give each other; I like the way you think though. I really just don’t like my loss of control in that moment and the fact that I did something out of character. I’m a very big people pleaser and am always trying to make people like me, so I think that definitely played a large role in my impulsive decision, even in my drunken state. I’m also just sickened by the fact that my boyfriend’s roommate, in a way, took advantage when my boyfriend wasn’t around for a minute. I’m not happy with myself for giving in, even if it had no ill-intent, and I’m just sad because the night could’ve gone completely different if he hadn’t tagged along with us. I’m angry that he came with us because now I’m suffering from the pain of doing something out of character. Talking to you all has been really helping though, so I appreciate you!
ChristinaJanuary 29, 2019 at 6:24 am #277547KatieParticipant
You are welcome! And you are most definitely not alone. I think the distance from the incident that time will naturally create will be a good thing for sure. And yes, if you can just notice when you have a thought about it but not rehash the whole scenario in your head, that will be helpful. Again, don’t beat yourself up if your mind goes there but try to let the thought go and not obsess on it if it does pop into your head. I hope you do look into some of Brene Brown’s books, they really have helped me. Another awesome perspective is “The Love Mindset” by Vironika Tugaleva…I think she even has some articles on Tiny Buddha!
KatieJanuary 29, 2019 at 6:47 am #277551
You are welcome. I understand that the kiss-on-the-ear bothers you so much because of the following:
1. You lost control, were impulsive.
2. You did something out of character, a character you previously expressed that strives to be perfectly loyal, perfectly honest, perfectly trustworthy.
3. You kissed the guy because you are “a very big people pleaser” and it bothers you that you are a people pleaser, you don’t want to be that anymore.
Do I understand correctly, and if not, can you correct what I listed above so to make it as correct/ exact as possible?
anitaJanuary 29, 2019 at 7:13 am #277559
Yes, that is all correct. The fact that that incident happened makes me feel like I’m not worthy of my boyfriend’s love and that I don’t deserve him. I don’t understand how he let it go so quickly, when I probably would have been very upset if I were in his shoes. He is so forgiving and not as jealous as I am, and I wish I possessed that within me. I just feel so gross and dirty because of the whole thing and wonder what he still sees in me. This is all probably due to my overthinking, but I just feel really bad. I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I actually was so upset about it all that I messaged my boyfriend’s roommate this morning and apologized for if I made him feel uncomfortable because for all I know he could have just been saying the New Years kiss thing jokingly, but his response actually made me feel a lot better. He laughed (through text) and said that I didn’t do anything wrong and that we’re all good so that was a huge relief.
ChristinaJanuary 29, 2019 at 7:34 am #277563
It is very clear to me that the kiss-on-the-ear is a non incident. What I mean by it, that all that massive affect it had on you is not about that event but about your past childhood experience that you are attaching to this non-incident.
It is not an incident for your boyfriend, it is not an incident for his roommate. What it is, at this point, is your obsession.
A great distress that you experienced as a child, probably during those six years, is now attached to this non-incident and is giving it life. Until you address the distress of childhood, it will keep showing up in this obsession and future ones.
Do you remember feeling angry at your father during those six years, at your stepmother at the time, her children? And if you do, do you remember what you did with that anger?
Maybe you tried to behave perfectly so that no one will notice how hurt and angry you were?
January 29, 2019 at 7:44 am #277567
- This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by anita.
I think you’re right about all that. This really isn’t a big deal, but I’m obsessing over it for some reason, possibly due to past traumas.
All I can remember is that when I was younger, I would give my step mother a lot of attitude and I would get annoyed with things that she did. I hated that she smoked, I hated when she tried to dress “young” for her age, I hated that she went tanning, etc etc and I would call her out on all of that stuff. Once again, I feel like it ties back to my perfectionism. The things she did bothered me so much for some reason, possibly because I wanted to be in control. I wanted her to be the perfect mother-figure. I think we just had very different personalities, and that’s why we clashed. I’m type-A, whereas she was complete opposite.
ChristinaJanuary 29, 2019 at 7:51 am #277571
How old were you when your step mother came into your home?
You tried to show your father that his new wife was a bad choice, a smoker, wrong dress, etc., and you were different from her, opposite to her?
anitaJanuary 29, 2019 at 9:17 am #277587
I was about 6/7 when my step mother came into my life. I was probably around 10 years old when I started to critique the things she did. And yes, we were very different. Maybe deep down I didn’t think she was good enough for my father? She is not a nice woman and moved out of our house out of no where and took almost all of our furniture and was just very spiteful for no reason, so maybe I just sensed that she wasn’t a good person all along.
A little bit off topic, but there’s something that has been bothering me about the New Years incident that I am having trouble accepting. I think I mentioned this in one of my earlier replies to you, but I got jealous over something silly earlier that night. At the first bar, my boyfriend’s roommate asked us to name our top 5 celebrity crushes because there were celebrities on TV for the ball drop. I named a few, and then my boyfriend said that he likes Mila Kunis (from That 70’s Show). When I’m drunk, I get extra jealous, so him saying that really bothered me. For some reason, I have it drilled in my head that he has a type – dark brown hair and dark-colored eyes- because that is what his ex of 7 years looked like. I have dirty-blonde hair and blue eyes, so complete opposite. Also, when I see him staring at girls or think that he is, it seems to be girls of that type usually. I’m starting to learn that he just stares at people in general and is very observant, but when we first started dating I wasn’t used to it. He doesn’t like check out girls or do anything disrespectful, but I notice when something catches his eye. Also, there was this one girl at college who I saw him staring at a few times who lived near me, and it really bothered me for some reason, so I looked up her Facebook, and I saw he liked her profile picture which was a selfie. She has a boyfriend, but for some reason that really stung because I had seen him staring at her previously so I thought he might have a crush or something. I confronted him about it, and he said they always like each other’s pictures and that it wasn’t a big deal so I decided to let it go because I love him so much. On NYE, him saying that he liked Mila Kunis brought back those jealous feelings again because she has dark hair and dark eyes like his ex and the girl who’s picture he liked. With that said, I’m nervous I might have acted out of character and agreed to give his roommate an innocent peck due to my feelings of jealousy and not being enough or his type. I fear I might have done it to be petty. I know all of these jealous feelings might sound silly to you..is it okay to feel that way sometimes? I don’t want to get jealous but it just happens. I realize it happens more when I’m drinking, and I hate it.
~ChristinaJanuary 29, 2019 at 10:07 am #277601
“is it okay to feel that way sometimes?”- of course it is okay. All our feelings are okay. We feel automatically, just like other animals do, animals who don’t have words to form thoughts. Therefore we are not responsible for what we feel.
Shame over what we feel is not valid and it causes us unnecessary suffering. I hope you learn to be okay with how you feel at any time, no shame in how you feel.
Regarding your boyfriend, his type and noticing other women, be it in real life or celebrities: you can’t prevent him from looking, from liking a photo and from feeling attracted to any woman. He can’t help what he feels any more than you do. He is not responsible for his feelings any more than you do.
Our behavior is more a subject of your choosing, sometimes more than other times. But we need to aim at responsible behavior. No such thing as… responsible feeling.
Notice this: any and every man who is somewhat emotionally healthy, no matter how much he loves his girlfriend/wife, will look at other women. It is not realistic to expect him not to. A man will feel attracted to other women while in a committed relationship, he will feel good when other women show interest in him, he will feel that stirring inside. It is the nature of the human animal.
Let it be. You can’t fight Reality. Focus on values, what does he value and is he able to practice self discipline. Learn these things about him.
And what if you felt a similar stirring, if not to his roommate than to another man?
It will not make you a bad person or a bad girlfriend, only human. Just like your boyfriend. Regarding types, brunettes vs blonds and such, I figure most men are multi- types, liking either one at any one time. After all, people do like changes, not the same. So he had a brunette girlfriend, now he likes his blond girlfriend.
anitaJanuary 29, 2019 at 12:01 pm #277639
You made a bunch of great points. I know my boyfriend can’t help who he’s attracted to and if he stares, he doesn’t do it purposely, but like you said, I am allowed to feel jealous. I wish there was a way of not letting those jealous feelings get the best of me when drunk. If I’m feeling jealous, I should just stop drinking in the moment because those feelings will only get worse. I agree with you that this is still a non-incident. Thank you for delving deep and trying to help me figure out why I am having these feelings. I think you have a true gift given the way you’re able to help people with their problems on this forum. You take the time out of your day to answer us, and you’ve helped me feel not alone so I thank you for that!
~ChristinaJanuary 29, 2019 at 12:59 pm #277651
You are welcome and thank you for appreciating me. Be careful about drinking, reads to me that it causes you distress. Pay attention to where, when and how much and whether it is worth it for you, beyond the initial buzz/ good feeling. Post anytime.