Forum Replies Created
May 1, 2015 at 8:17 am in reply to: Too Poor For College, Parents "Too Rich" For Financial Aid #76028
For $16k I say go for it… That’s not alot of money and can be easily paid off.
You have to spend money to make money.
College will expand your horizons greatly…just have some sort of idea what you want to do after. Alof of people change their minds during undergrad.
I’ll be honest. I’ve never met anyone without some sort of college education that has been successful financially. Statistically speaking you’re going to be earning a low wage and have a low standard of living… At least college gives you a chance go break out of that cycle.
Maybe consider working and going to community college for 2 years prior to making the plunge and going into debt. That’s another viable option.
It sounds like you are prone towards anxiety, shame, and depression. You view yourself in a negative light. It could be the on/off again relationship but I want you to consider the possibility that it is simply your state of mind at this time. We humans tend to project our problems and issues onto others. That said, It takes 2 unhealthy people to create an unhealthy relationship. If this gentleman if treating you poorly then you need to have appropriate boundaries with him. Boundaries will give the relationship a chance to grow… Accepting only his leftovers will doom the relationship as he will take you for granted (and continue unloving behavior).
In order to really thrive humans need healthy balance and habits. Are you taking care of your needs…. to eat healthy? Exercise? Spiritual needs? Need for meaningful work? Need for friends outside of romance? Need for laughter? Need for helping others?
It is tough to tell what the problem is based upon your post. No offense but your mind and emotions are all over the place and it is draining you of energy and life. In order to combat this I suggest the following.
1) mindful meditation 40 mins per day (20min x 2)
2) exercise 1hr per day 4-5 times per week
3) try a hot yoga class or something else outside of your comfort zone
4) read a spiritual book of some sort… Perhaps eckart tolle “a new earth”
5) treat yourself kindly. Maybe go on vacation by yourself to the beach or buy yourself… Or buy something luxurious and good for you. Maybe an expensive brand of tea. Savor it and treat yourself.
By making these changes and having appropriate boundaries with romantic partners you will learn to love yourself, see things clearer, and act accordingly. Do not let anyone treat you badly. No one. Ever.
I am sorry to have caused you such anxiety. I can really feel the pain, the judging, and ultimately the resistance to my opinion in your post. It feels as if you wish to control me so that your idea of what is “right” is forcefully made to be the same . You will never succeed in this effort & you are wasting a great deal of energy on this. I would chalk this one up to one of life’s many lessons.
I suggest you develop a daily mindful meditation practice. This will help you quell your anxiety, the need to be “right”, and need to convince others to agree with your version of reality. You will see that we all believe ourselves to be the sole possessors of what is true and just.To be honest, I can’t help but feel that alot of your hatred is because I serve to in some ways hold up a mirror of reality of modern society to you — e.g. alot of meaningful jobs do not pay well to start (or ever), the US is full of rampant materialism, etc. You will realize that this is neither good or bad — it just is. Resisting it or ignoring it only serves to cause suffering. Being aware of it is the first step forwards freedom and breaking away from the “system” as you put it.
As far as me mentioning my wife in previous posts involving relationship issues of various OPs — I do that so people know I am a credible source (as is possible on an internet forum) and not some guy that hasn’t had a date in 9 months. You should never seek advice from someone that does not have what you seek. This is common sense advice. Hence the wise saying – “consider the source”.
In my post to this young man seeking advice, I attempted to convey the need to follow HIS dreams — and not to value the opinions of his well-meaning friends, family, and beautiful young women that will all be clambering for his attention over the next decade. The world is full of distractions. For example, my mother wanted me to be a veterinarian, my father a banker, my girlfriend at the time a CPA, my grandma a doctor, and my teammates a professional basketball player — when I was in college. I went through a similar situation to him when I was in school and had numerous options. Well meaning friends and family often serve to only confuse someone more when faced with difficult career decisions. You can’t make everyone happy and once I realized this my decisions became much more authentic and easier.
I did in some ways hark on the expectations and needs of some women is because for some men their love life is one of the highest priorities in life…. the dating scene IS different out of school. Many young women ARE looking for security. Many beautiful women DO expect to be taken care of. I do not judge this as right or wrong. Rather our state of reality – possibly as a product of thousands of years of evolution. What is the first question people ask you at a social gathering in the USA? “SO, what do you DO?”…. It was somewhat of a shock to me when I graduated a number of years back how much emphasis is placed on one’s career in the dating scene. This is useful advice but probably nothing the poster has never heard before. In sum, I was attempting to convey that if the OP wanted a family and kids by the age of 27 that he would need to have a relatively stable paying job by then. I was simply asking if he was OK with this… as he has been living in a proverbial bubble by living off has parents financially for some time now.
In sum, I attempted to advice the poster to follow his dreams and to be aware of common pitfalls of seeking meaningful work in a capitalistic world. If you think about it, my advice is not much different from the message conveyed in the Buddhist classic “Siddhartha’ by Herman Hess (1922) — in it, the young talented man (such as our poster) is distracted by a beautiful woman, earns money to win her heart (becomes a merchant), then falls into the pitfalls of pleasure seeking (riches, drugs, alcohol, etch) for a number of years- before finally coming full circle to become an enlightened humble man by the river. I suggest you read this book if you have not already.
The struggle for a man to stay true to oneself in a world full of distractions is not easy – this has been the case for centuries. I am sure similar distractions are readily available to the modern day woman as well but in our the case the OP is male.
Interesting situation. You obviously have a lot or self control and discipline that is to be applauded. I agree focusing your energy on your career makes sense until you’ve reached your goals and are more established.
My advice is to not suppress your sexual needs and desires should they arise. Don’t settle for paid sex or pornography. (Not accusing you but I’ve seen it happen). The real thing is better and you deserve to have a good sex life should you have the time to pursue it. If you are being placed in the friend zone by desirable mates then message me back and I can elaborate on this common pitfall for men seeking meaningful romantic relationships. Lastly don’t be ashamed on your masculine energy and having sexual needs.
To be honest you need to move on… People will always have their 101 excuses about why they are breaking up. Some may tell the truth some may lie (e.g.. “it’s not you it’s me”). That’s not your concern. You made an honest effort to hold the relationship together and were rebuffed. That’s all you can do.
Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.
I am emphasize with your heartbreak. Its a condition everyone faces at some point. Every relationship will eventually end until you get married… And oftentimes that doesn’t work out either. While this might sound dire it in reality is liberating. It is a reflection of the transient nature of the world.
I am sorry if I have offended you. However I am merely stating my opinion on this topic. Please respect my opinion. Do not allow your ego to take offense to my version of reality. Instead of defending myself I ask you go ponder some questions about my response.
Is it not true that being in a serious romantic relationship can often cloud a very young person’s judgement? Is it not true that some women value material wealth above all? Is it not true that many men and women have selfish needs and wants in this world? I am not judging these facts as good or bad. This is simply reality.
Lastly I merely stated that the USA is full of rampant materialism. This is reality. I am in no way judging this as good or bad. It is simply reality. I do not advise the poster to pursue this path but I am attempting to convey what the world is like in many ways outside of a college… I hope he finds a way to pursuing meaningful work. However, I am just warning him of the oppostition and realities that he will face if he chooses to travel the road less traveled.
The post was from the heart.
Also. I have one more idea to offer you…. When you do decide to try a particular path..Be careful who you tell your dreams to. Most people will either say you can’t do it or be jealous of you for actually having a dream and shit on it.
Moreover, there will always be someone in that field you have chosen that went into it for the wrong reasons and is unhappy and bitching about it.
Read Ayn Rand “the fountainhead” or “atlas shrugged”.. Both are classics as they describe how a lot of simple minded people will project their weaknesses on you… And of course only care about what other people think.
I am similar to you in many ways… Played college basketball. And was an overachiever in every sense of the word. Had the choice of investment banking or med school.
In your 20s you don’t want to close many doors so I would say make sure to take a position of some sorts… Whether it be teach for america, a monastery, or if necessary a regular 9 to 5 job.. You could possibly push back graduation. Just don’t have a huge gap on your resume for years.
I advise you to make a career decision based upon your values and to not be in any serious romantic relationships… Women tend to cloud judgenent at such a young age.
Honestly man, everyone is so preoccupied with their life that they time to care about what you do … So just do what you think makes sense for your personality and financially. Thinking this way is liberating. I advise getting off Facebook and all social media and really thinking about what you want… Not what your mom wants, not what the hot blonde wants, and not what your friends think. Everyone wants you to be something different but only you know what works… I sense part of the reason you can’t decide is because you are trying to please everyone… That will never work. I was similarly torn.
Talk to people in treading in the fields you’re interested in. Do the research. Read books about it… and go for it… No path is ideal. All have drawbacks. I’ll be honest so many things can go wrong that you might as well just go for what you want. Even safe paths like accounting or engineering have a ton of work and luck involved
Its good you want to help other people. However realize alot of these jobs don’t pay very well go start (or ever)… Are you OK with that? Just realize if you are a professional volunteer that the super hot club girls won’t be interested. Money talks in the social scene once you’re out of school. Just telling you reality. The dating scene is a lot different out of college. You go from top of the world (senior) to bottom of the totum pole. Its a rough transition. Materialism in the US is rampant.
Again. I recommend doing what you feel is right. Do not consult anyone including well meaning friends and family as they will only confuse you…. Each will have a different idea. I recommend the following reading
The way of the seal – mark devine
I suggest you start reading books on mindful (or transcendental) meditation and developing a daily practice. 20-30 minutes per day is all it takes. This is how I cured my anxiety. Meditation will allow you to stop these recurring negative thoughts and emotions and see things more clearly. You will have much more energy instead of wasting it on anxieties of these sorts. Try the book “Mindfulness in plain English”…
The articles on tinybudda are encouraging but I agree do not teach you “how”
IMO he loves the attention and having his ego stroked by his ex… This is a bad sign. Being friends with exes is a terrible idea since he likely views either you or her as a back up plan (or maybe both).
In this case just be honest and tell him he needs to remove this source of temptation from his life if you and him are to bond closely…he should be texting his male friends and family, not someone he used to sleep with.
NamasteApril 18, 2015 at 1:00 pm in reply to: Ditched in love, broken heart, lousy job, no self belief – total mess #75500
I would not express your anger towards her… Trust me I’ve been around the block. I feel your anger. Right now you aren’t seeing things clearly.
That said, the most vengeful, confident, and paradoxically healing thing you can do is NOTHING. Doing nothing and acting as if you don’t care not only surprises your ex but builds your confidence tremendously! She expects you to flip out and be hurt… By just laughing it off and getting on with your life you show her how strong you are and your momentum towards greener pastures increases.
Trust me. You never want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love you. It is so miserable. Words can’t express it. Consider yourself lucky. It is so much better to be single and free.
Going forward, please take my meditation advice seriously as currrently you are unable to control your thoughts or emotions… 20 minutes 2 times per day. Focus only on your breath and be aware of any thoughts that occur. Eventually they will subside and you will see them for what they truly are…
As you gain awareness through meditation things will become clearer. You will have plenty of energy to enjoy life and pursue worthwhile goals and relationships. It is life changing.
PS: If for some reason you are not ready to begin meditation I suggest getting out of town and treating yourself to a short vacation.. Just go by yourself or with a close male friend to the beach and treat yourself well. Break all contact with this girl. Do not look at old photos or Facebook… That is self inflicted torture.
PSS: I by no means wish to brag. But I am a reliable source. I am married to a young beautiful woman and have dated nothing but the lookers in my lifetime. I played college basketball and am competitive and extremely picky. I am not a monk but someone who has been in your shoes and wish to help other men struggling
Ok thanks for clarifying…. In that case, there is no harm in trying. You have go put your ego on the line since you were the dumper. However odds are slim since she already rejected you once… Again it’d avoid the email and just call her & ask her out boldly. If she says no just laugh it off. It’d keep the conversation light and funny. No heavy subjects until you two have the sparks flying.
I agree with your assessment that she might resent you but to be honest women under 25 don’t even know what they like yet… So maybe she’s into a totally different type by now than you. Itd wager it wasn’t a mature love but a naive one.
I am entitled to my opinion just as you are. I have dated and am currently married to a beautiful woman so I feel like I am entitled to share from my perspective.
There is nothing wrong with having healthy male role models…. Perhaps you’d like him to look up to an emasculated and broken man that cries himself to sleep instead? You’re essentially advising him to wallow is his misery rather than finally take charge of his life. That is a loser mentality. Enough time has passed and he needs a little pep talk… Not a box of Kleenexes.
Moreover I advised him to pursue meditation which makes sense considering the theme of this website. A life changing practice. I would not discount this advice or take it lightly. If he was actively meditating he would see things clearly and already let go of these negative emotions.
The reason I advise friends to pursue many different options while dating is the reality that dating is a numbers game… Beautiful women have so many options in the US that you cannot even fathom. Everywhere they go men are bending over backwards to buy them drinks, open doors, etc… There is nothing wrong with asking for 10 phone numbers if it will help you break out of a rut or your shell. Start living.
I assume she dumped you to begin with. Women usually initiate the break up… In this case you should have no regrets dating other people. You ex didn’t really care you were seeing new girls her ego was just ruffled
The reason I highly recommend against pouring you heart out via email is that it never works. Ive been around the block and never seen it work in my lifetime. It comes across as desperate to women. I recommend coffee so that you can read her body language, tone of voice, and get back to dating slowly… Not full steam ahead which only works in movies. You have to learn that a lot of love is about subtlety and mystery. Not logic or long emails.
But don’t beat yourself up. I’ve done stupider things. Reality is once she dumps you its up to her to repair the relationship. Not you. The fact that you already wrote an email of this type speaks to its ineffecieny.
I’ll be honest here. You have little control over your thoughts and emotions at the moment… You are letting your brain run wild with “what if” stories rather than dwelling in reality… Which is that you are yearning for someone that isnt interested and causing suffering for yourself. Your ego doesn’t want to lose and you are expending untold amounts of energy on this situation. I recommend you develop a mindful meditation practice, this will help you pierce through the fog and see reality. 40 minutes per day.
Does your ideal wife dump you? Act unloving? Not care enough to respond?… Moreover think of healthy male role models. Would tom Brady cry for his ex back or would he get on with his life and focus on getting his needs met? Lastly have compassion on yourself for it not working out. Even the rich and famous get their hearts kicked around. Get out there and ask for 10 new phone numbers this week… When you get 2 or 3 you’ll have a smile on your face and hope for more fun in the future.
NamasteApril 14, 2015 at 6:48 am in reply to: It ended four years ago; why am I still struggling? #75288
I feel compassion towards you and your heartbreak. We have all been there. Even the rich and famous get their hearts kicked around.
However I strongly feel that you should move on… This girl left you. You didn’t leave her. When a woman leaves she is certain that she doesn’t love you…. or else she would stay and try to make it work… Women by nature are nesters and generally try to make things work before calling it quits. I have never once seen it work out in this situation.
If you’re single you should have 2-3 girls that you’re actively talking to and trying out. Dating is a numbers game in your 20s.
Lastly I am concerned on how little you value integrity… Why would you want to love someone that left you for the arms of another man years ago? The answer is you don’t. Its your ego talking. You want to win… Think of healthy role models. Would tom brady beg for his ex back? ….
The real problem is that you clearly don’t have control over your thoughts or emotions. You allow them to run wild…. Try to develop a meditation practice and you’ll be surprised how clearly reality becomes. Without it, you’ll be doomed to living life full of “what ifs” constantly being played in your head rather than focusing on “what is”… Which is a world full of beauty, abundance, and opportunity.
Lastly. You need a support group of strong male friends. You need to exchange masculine energy with other males… This will tremendously. Iron sharpens iron.