Dear Sid,

At least you have a heart. A literal, spiritual, and emotional heart. This girl treats marriage like a time table or business contract. The other guys instinctively knew something was “off” about her ~ that’s why they kept rejecting her. But I’ll tell you what, in business, I would never, ever let the other guy know that no one else would have me, but that your company was my safety, so hey, how about a merger?

“Oh, I was rejected by everyone, but you’re my safety, let’s get married!” What conceit! Treating you like a commodity like that!

And this marriage? Is a sham. No great love story, that one. Anger? Revenge? Please. Feel bad for him and sad for her.

When you meet a woman who’s the Real Deal, you will consider this fiasco a blessing ~ in that it’s over!

Blessings,

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by Inky.

It is difficult to understand why what hurts us in life hurts us; Let downs, heart breaks, betrayal, loneliness. Then there are our wants and “needs.” We feel the need to be in relationship, to get married and we want it from someone special and it has to be reciprocated. But what if the person we want doesn’t want us back? What if the person who we want is more looking for a business arrangement rather than love. Remember that the high we get at the beginning of a relationship doesn’t last, it is our own self deception that we feel that way, because it is just a temporary feeling. If we walked around present to every moment and realized that every flickering thought that went through our brain was just our ego begging for attention then we wouldn’t suffer so much. It is easy to get caught up in the ego and what the ego wants, but the ego is like a bratty little kid when it doesn’t get what it wants it has a temper tantrum and we suffer. Very rarely do we feel hurt because something really hurt us, you feel hurt because in your mind you have labeled this girl as the one for you, “as yours!” like a child and I am not trying to belittle you, but it helps sometimes to take a step back and look at yourself as you do in meditation. We always think that we are in total control of our selves and we want what we want because it is what WE want, but really there are so many different motivations going on in our minds and we are hardly aware of them, but when we are aware of them that is called PRESENCE. It takes letting go of ego and being more of an observer of thoughts, rather than a participator. I think this will help you because when we are hurting we are really not being rational most of the time, especially when it has to do with “love.” Instead of saying you are broken hearted, say you have a bruised ego because this girl who you felt a strong attraction for ditched you. It might even help to write it down in a journal to sort stuff out. It is nearly impossible to let go of ego completely, just understand that it is what is hurting thus it is making you a mess.

Sid

I would not express your anger towards her… Trust me I’ve been around the block. I feel your anger. Right now you aren’t seeing things clearly.

That said, the most vengeful, confident, and paradoxically healing thing you can do is NOTHING. Doing nothing and acting as if you don’t care not only surprises your ex but builds your confidence tremendously! She expects you to flip out and be hurt… By just laughing it off and getting on with your life you show her how strong you are and your momentum towards greener pastures increases.

Trust me. You never want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love you. It is so miserable. Words can’t express it. Consider yourself lucky. It is so much better to be single and free.

Going forward, please take my meditation advice seriously as currrently you are unable to control your thoughts or emotions… 20 minutes 2 times per day. Focus only on your breath and be aware of any thoughts that occur. Eventually they will subside and you will see them for what they truly are…

As you gain awareness through meditation things will become clearer. You will have plenty of energy to enjoy life and pursue worthwhile goals and relationships. It is life changing.

PS: If for some reason you are not ready to begin meditation I suggest getting out of town and treating yourself to a short vacation.. Just go by yourself or with a close male friend to the beach and treat yourself well. Break all contact with this girl. Do not look at old photos or Facebook… That is self inflicted torture.

PSS: I by no means wish to brag. But I am a reliable source. I am married to a young beautiful woman and have dated nothing but the lookers in my lifetime. I played college basketball and am competitive and extremely picky. I am not a monk but someone who has been in your shoes and wish to help other men struggling

Namaste

Sid,

I can feel your anger. Lets see if you behaved correctly in your situation. Lets break the story down piece by piece, zoom out a little and see ourselves. I am sure you will feel better. Lets do it together. But before we go ahead and do the analysis, first let me ask you a question. Do you fundamentally believe in taking bitter tasting medicine to treat your illness? Bitter tasting medicine should go inside your body. Well, who likes bitter tasting medicine. Hell no, nobody, at least I don’t like it. I don’t like it when I am sick, have fever, cold, running nose etc. yakk.. who likes it. Nobody! Nobody! Nobody! Well don’t think anything at this point. Don’t try to apply answer to this question to your life so quickly.

Lets start.
–
You loved a girl. It was true. Girl kept you as a back up and rejected at first. I can understand that any guy would feel dejected at rejection. You had your bad time, ‘that’ feeling. I understand. .
Well, in this part, you did not do anything wrong. In fact, you loved the girl truly. You were faithful. You were right about feelings you had, whether those originated from love at first or from being rejected later. You were right, Godly at heart.

–
She came back to you! Sid, she came back to YOU. YOU! She realized you were the one kept showing what the true qualities of a partner are, that’s why she came to you. She might have literally told you that you were a back up for her(which is totally un-Godly, isn’t it?). But remember, you were still right. You said NO to her. Yes, YOU said no to her. You decided and told her that thats not how people should get married. You were right Sid. You took correct actions.

–
Now lets see what to do about feelings you still tend to have for her. Well these feelings were your sicknesses, illnesses. Note that I used ‘were’. Why, because you have already taken that bitter tasting medicine my friend. It is bitter. You wont like it. But always keep in mind that you have taken a Godly decision. A decision that will truly take you near God. Because you did right things all along. You did not hurt her, you were faithful, you said no to her later on. I dont see anything wrong done on your part at all. And best thing I see is that you said NO to her.

Now I am copying some earlier lines again.
…Girl kept you as a back up and rejected at first… This is when you fell sick.
…You said NO to her… This is were you took the medicine. Perfect action. Now just wait for medicine to take effect.

I understand that ‘those’ thoughts will not vanish over the night, but remember that you have already consumed bitter medicine and it is making you healthy gradually. Think about your decision of saying NO to her whenever you feel bad. Because that was the best thing which could have happened to you. God is watching you and gave you wisdom of saying no to the girl. Never forget it. Well, the medicine will take its time. Appreciate it as well.