Hi Carol!

I’m hardly a relationship counselor, but have lived through what you are many times. I don’t like to advocate playing games in a relationship, but the reality is sometimes we need to chill out to get the result we want 🙂 You say he’s not making the effort you would like him to. But if you are always making the effort, it sends the wrong message. It sends the message: “You can continue doing what you are doing, because I will still be pursuing you”. That said, having a checklist of things he “should” be doing that you, and expecting someone to meet those, doesn’t make for a great relationship. You’ll always be disappointed. Of course you should have some deal-breakers, but this sounds a bit more like trying to control the outcome of everything.

I can’t think of a time in my relationships when backing off a bit hasn’t helped the situation- even if it only meant that the guy stopped contacting, which weeded out someone I shouldn’t be with anyway. This doesn’t sound that way. He  seems into you, but maybe needs a chance to prove it.  Some people just don’t want to communicate all the time. I am one of those, and maybe he is too. In this case, it’s not a reflection of how he feels about you. Good luck!

Hi SJA,

All of my closest friends found the partners they eventually settled down with when they were in their later 30’s. None of my friends (except for one) were really bothered about getting married or starting a family. Meeting the right person is what put them in the settling down mode. The one friend who was quite panicked about not having found someone, and was looking in all the wrong places, gave up for a year or so- only to find the guy she would marry. Interestingly, all of them found their partners soon after having completed some major milestone in their lives:  One had come back from an around the world trip, one had just finished spending a year living off the grid in an organic farm, one had done a 100 mile walk/run for charity, etc. Not saying you need to do any of these things to find the right partner, but when they worked on themselves and didn’t focus on finding “the one”, they did.

I’m certainly no relationship expert, but it might help to be single for awhile, as it seems like you have spent many years being in back to back relationships. It could help you to be more clear about what you want and need from a partner. Also, what  you DON’T want 🙂 Best of luck to you.