Dear Thomas,

You’re in a hurting place, understandably. Hmm, yeah, I think you’ve got a longer road of pain ahead of you if you don’t take a break from her for a while. You can even tell her what you’re doing, and why. If you choose to have a period of no contact, brace yourself for any little prodding messages she might send you.

Craig

Jack,

I think there is no place for threat in a relationship. Yelling and name-calling amount to threats. You can’t control him, but you can control you.

Craig

Dear Wanderlust,

This came across to me as you both were giving each other mixed messages. Since you’re the one who posted, I am (obviously) addressing you.

If you choose to end it with him, you don’t need his approval or cooperation.

If you want a more committed, more involved relationship, you can do your part, but you can’t do HIS part. How long you wait to see if he will deepen his commitment to you depends totally on you. How long are you willing to wait? Can you identify some milestones that are concrete measures of commitment? Something like both agreeing to Skype once a week, see each other once a month, for 6 months, and then take it from there? The specifics are something you would have to come up with, but the idea is not to go on and on without some movement.

Craig

Hi Hari,

I think if you keep trying to talk with her and messaging her, then the chances of you two reuniting aren’t very good. When someone is running away, the worst thing you can do is chase them.

I’m sorry you’re missing her so much.

Craig

Shanethea,

From my vantage point, I see two things: 1. You have chemistry with him, attraction, desire. 2. He has faded into and out of your life multiple times.

I doubt you can have just #1 with him. Would you be happy and content having #1 AND #2?

I don’t see anything indicating you will ever be able to rely on him. It’s totally up to you if that’s acceptable.

Mepina,

You’re very welcome. Seems like you’re doing some important thinking.

You said “I am broken for letting someone I care alone, but deep inside me, I feel I am taking the right decision for both of us.”

When (and if) he tires of being alone, perhaps he will be motivated to learn to do things that don’t drive people away. You are not responsible for his feelings.

Also, you said “So with putting again all the blame/guilties/his anger on me, he made me break into pieces again. ”

I see this a little differently than you. I don’t  think he (nor anyone) can break you into pieces. Just as you are not responsible for his feelings, he is not responsible for your feelings. He may *trigger” something inside you, but it is your body that generates the chemical reactions of emotion. This actually is great news, because it means that YOU can do something about it, as you have been. Keep going!

Amanda,

I think you’ve got a lot of work to do, in understanding yourself and why you’ve made the choices you have, and in understanding this guy that you want to be with, but who seems understandably unsure whether he wants or is able to be with you.

One place you could start is with your thought, “I just want him to know that this was not an end all, and I know it takes time, and i wish there was a way to convey to him it is worth it.”

That is YOUR point of view. HIS point of view seems pretty different in that he seems to believe it might NOT be worth it. If you care about this guy, you might want to focus on understanding how HE sees things – and do this without having an agenda to change him.

Craig

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Craig.

Bravo to you for trying to understand his point of view! And of course you want him to see your point of view. It’s one of the dances of relationship, where each person wants to be understood and heard. I hope you and he find a way to get there. According to you, whatever you’ve been doing isn’t working. So what will you do differently?