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Craig

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 115 total)
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  • in reply to: Dazed and Confused #156912
    Craig
    Participant

    Jeff, I hear that you’re going through a hard time. I remember your earlier posts. I had a feeling that your now ex wasn’t going to budge. She had lots of great qualities, but she didn’t have the quality of wanting you to be a significant part of her life.

    Now I think all you can do is put one foot in front of the other. Continue your counseling. Make new friends. If you meet a woman you like, date, but don’t push, and certainly don’t worry about it. Exercise. Read Al Turtle on-line if you haven’t found him yet.

    I’ve been where you are, and every now and then slip back a bit. You’ll probably miss her for a while. My ex just contacted me after 4 months (she also was not a particularly “available” person) and yes, I got triggered a bit. But I’m going forward.

    Keep going!

    Craig
    Participant

    I see this much as Inky does.

    I’ll put it a different way, though, just for fun and maybe it will be helpful also.

    Falling in love is very much a chemical experience. Your brain gets flooded with phenylethylamine, which is a stimulant. You feel high, confident, amazed at how perfect your love interest is. I suppose that’s how nature gets people together to procreate and perpetuate the species.

    But what happens inevitably is that concentrations of phenylethylamine will fall off, and the very same person who once seemed perfect inexplicably has flaws you didn’t see before (they were there all the time).

    The bad news is that one typically feels disillusionment at this stage. The good news is that now you can get busy building a real relationship based on who the person actually is.

    It could be that the woman you were with for a couple years would be a happier match for you. I don’t know.

    But I think comparing your wife (who’ve you known for a long time) with a woman with whom you probably never moved out of the romantic stage, is comparing apples and oranges.

    in reply to: Different Relationship #156212
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Jeff,

    It sounds to me also that you have a need not being met.

    Working on oneself is important for everybody, I think. However, I suggest that you don’t make this out as if there is something wrong with you because you want more connection with your SO. That’s an easy trap to fall into, and I hope you are far away from it.

    in reply to: Different Relationship #156148
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Jeff,

    Reading your post, I saw myself in you, as recently as 4 months ago. I was in an on-again off-again relationship for 3 years with a woman whose desire to connect was much lower than mine.

    I think it’s close to impossible to find someone who needs the identical amount of connection as ourselves. I think that’s okay – we can make up the “gaps” with friends, family, alone time (reading, working out, writing, being in nature, etc.).

    That being said, I don’t think it’s healthy to put enormous amounts of energy into compensating for a partner whose availability is just too different from our own. In my case, I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I walked away with no regrets, having left it all on the field.

    That may not be your solution. I am not making a recommendation as to what to do, except to think about whether you want to live with the amount of connection your having with her. This level is comfortable for her, but it doesn’t seem to be comfortable for you.

    in reply to: What do you/we want? #155612
    Craig
    Participant

    Thanks for your thoughts, Pearce!

    “It is not the antiquated proverbial my way or the highway.” Antiquated, yes, but oh so popular! My opinion is that “my way or the highway” thinking devours about 90% of the energy required for dating. People walking around with their lists of what they think will make them happy. For fun, here are some real life “issues” women have worried about with me: “I use salt on food, and you don’t.” “I like movies, you like being outside.” “I’m international, and you’re not (whatever that means).”

    I believe that I can co-create the kind of connection I want with a partner. The raw materials are mutual attraction, some mental energy, and the desire to grow and learn together (as you so articulately said). It has nothing to do with salt, or movies, or what country we’re from.

    I was also thinking about your remarks about people not wanting to change. I think there’s a lot of fear “out there.” That’s okay, probably fear has kept people alive for millions of years. But (here goes my opining again), often fear erupts out of the reptilian brain when in fact, there’s no threat in the present. So I sometimes behave as if there is a present danger, when there’s not. And this is life-diminishing. It’s an ongoing lesson for me.

    in reply to: What do you/we want? #155560
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Pearce,

    I have enjoyed your posts, including this one.

    My thinking around your question has changed a lot over the years. I used to have layers upon layers of complicated thoughts, and now, well not so much.

    I simply want connection. I suppose that could be described in terms of connecting with myself, or connecting with Other (The Great Mystery). But for me, it comes down to the very concrete desire of wanting to connect with humans. When I am “in relationship” with healthy people, my connection with myself and with Other takes care of itself. I think this happens because we are social creatures, and in my opinion, we grow and learn best in the space of other caring human beings.

    Taking it one step further, I want connection with a woman who wants, and is able to do her part to nurture connection. I have met several “nice” women over the last few months, but I am astounded at how they simultaneously want connection and do things to sabotage their desire (lying, not talking, disappearing, multidating).  Part of this is that the dating pool in middle age is disproportionately populated with avoiders, people who deal with their internal attachment anxieties by avoiding attachment.

    But that’s just me. Still searching for what *I* want.

     

    in reply to: Confessing past lies? #154826
    Craig
    Participant

    Wow, Julie, I think this is great stuff to be thinking through.

    You say this guy has grown to be your best friend who you tell everything to. That sounds like something worth nurturing.

    If you want a deeply honest relationship, I think that means being on a path where you (and he) don’t harbor secrets from one another. You are agonizing over this issue, enough to write in to this website. I hear how much this is bothering you. I doubt you can have a truly honest relationship with someone, if you’re “honest” about some things, but not about others.

    If you decide to share this with him, then there’s the question of how to go about it. It might be wise first to get very clear why you lied, why you lied to him, why you’re now telling him about the lie, and what you’re doing (and have done) to get rid of lying from your relationship (like telling him about this secret).

    Your thoughts?

    Craig

    in reply to: Things have changed #153760
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Thomas,

    I think it’s highly likely you will share something amazing with someone again. However, from my distant vantage point, I don’t see how you can have this with your ex as long as 1) she is with someone else (regardless of her justifications), 2) there is a lack of mutual commitment to communicate consistently, and 3) you and she don’t come up with a plan to be in the same city.

    At a bare minimum, her involvement with this other guy makes it nearly impossible for you to have honest and healthy communication with her, as I doubt she is having honest and healthy communication with the other guy. Triangles are typically really toxic.

    in reply to: Francesca Remains in limbo…. #153540
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Nan,

    Not sure what you’re asking, if anything. All that secrecy and calculating sounds exhausting.

    Craig

    in reply to: Things have changed #153538
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Thomas,

    I remember your earlier postings,  your struggles, and you working on a path to healing.

    I have no idea what your ex is up to. I don’t think it matters, and it may be a waste of your energy to agonize about why she does what she does.  If I’m hearing you accurately, her behaviors are triggering a lot of upset in you. Unless she absolutely is done with her recent fling, and reliably connects with you without this hot and cold nonsense, I’d suggest that you discontinue contact with her. You could even say that to her, but beware that for a short while, she’d behave wonderfully, just enough to pull you in again.

    I’m not saying that I think it’s impossible for you and she to have a healthy relationship, but I do think that what’s happening now is just teasing you.

    in reply to: Getting back in the game (dating) #153030
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Rich,

    I’ve got to say, when I was in my 20s, I had no idea how to talk to women. I am much older, now in my 50s, and because I’m single, I’m again seeking to meet someone special.

    My own opinion, FWIW, is not to try to connect with women by complimenting them. There’s nothing wrong with compliments if they come from a place of joy and authenticity, but I think if you do it to get their attention, you might be self-aware that you’re not acting authentically, and most people will pick up on that.

    I’d suggest thinking in terms of having regular conversations. Don’t worry about ever seeing the women again. What I mean, is that if you’re out walking in your neighborhood and you see a woman walking a dog that strikes you, you can say “Wow, I like that dog!” You can pause to chit chat but there’s nothing wrong with just smiling and going on your way.

    Do this kind of thing over and over. You can even just say “Hi” to women as you pass them and continue about your business.

    The more you have lots of positive even short experiences of talking and light stuff, the more comfortable you will feel.

    Here’s a goal, I’ll just toss it out there. Change it as you wish, or discard entirely: Over the next week, just smile and say “Hi” to 7 women (of any age, etc.) and for another 3 women, say something more, like “Man it’s really hot today” or, “My neighbor has a dog just like yours,” or “Isn’t it great to be outside today?”

    You’re just practicing your natural ability and desire to connect with others.

    Hope this spurs your own ideas!

    in reply to: Getting back in the game (dating) #152460
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Rich,

    All this sounds really good. You did some work on yourself, and now you’re thinking about opening up to the possibilities of meeting and having relationships. I don’t know you personally (obviously), but I’m not a big fan of people isolating themselves for long periods of time to get to know themselves. I think we are social creatures and that in fact, one of the best (if not THE best) way to grow is via our relationships with others. That being said, there are some who jump from relationship to relationship that I do think truly need to get out of that loop.

    Regarding your question about coping with inevitable failure…. well, I’m thinking to go slowly. Get to know a few women. Enjoy them. Do things together without rushing to become a “couple.” Practice talking. Practice listening. And I think there’s some wisdom in your group therapy experience. If you could find a similar situation, or make new buddies and platonic female friends (like in clubs with people who have similar interests), that probably would again give you some healthy support.

    It sounds like overall you’re in a decent place and looking forward.

    Craig

     

    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Lester,

    Always seems to be things to learn. At least that’s my experience. I think it’s great how you’ve been grappling with different relationship issues.

    Ultimately, you may want to get to a place where you can discuss your insecurities with your partner. However, at the level of intensity you’re describing, now may not be the time. Ultimately the goal of sharing is so that she will know you better and know your vulnerabilities better, and if she is a loving woman, she will respond with sensitivity and understanding – however, it is not her responsibility to make you feel better. That’s on you, which is great news, because you can do something about you.

    Suppose you lose your girlfriend, or she cheats on you. What would that mean to you? (To be clear, from what you said, I see no reason to suspect that she’s leaving you – I’m just asking a question for thinking purposes…)

    Craig

     

    Craig
    Participant

    Daniela,

    I hope that posting about this helps you to feel better. I expect it will be a process for you, as it is for most of us who have been involved with and deeply loved someone, but the feelings and actions weren’t mutual.

    So first, give yourself lots of compassion. It may be that when you moved away the first time, that started kind of a downward spiral in your relationship with this guy. But, I’m sure you were doing your best at the time. You made the best decision you could with what you knew then. It’s normal to wish you’d done things differently, but you did what you did, and when you’re ready, you’ll stop agonizing over your decisions of the past.

    Meanwhile, the quality of a relationship is never the responsibility of only one person. This guy had a role too. I’m not saying that you should shift into an attitude of blame, but in the hopes that you don’t continue to shoulder so much of the failure of this relationship by yourself.

     

    Craig

    in reply to: Can\'t get over my ex #150231
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Heartbrokengurl,

    I hear how lonely you are, and how you miss your ex. When I’ve been in that situation, that feeling of loneliness was often accompanied by the thought that it would never end, that I’d never find anyone better, etc.

    The fact that you have been trying to date suggests that you actually are moving on. What hasn’t changed (enough), though, is the pain that you’re feeling. Some of that will ease with time. A lot of it, I think, will dissipate when you meet someone who looks into your eyes, and smiles, and sees and enjoys you. He will come along. You’re already doing your best, and give yourself a hug for that. Hang in there.

    Craig

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 115 total)