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RobertaParticipant
Dear Omyk
I hope that you & your daughter are getting the support of your community & that the work issues have resolved themselves.
It is possible to be happy, content & active within a community (the fathers of my children died young 23 & 37) without a special someone. I have a lot of fun, friendship & my younger son looks after my dad twice a week so that I can lead meditation sessions. Each of my friends offer the parts ( other than sexual intimacy) that a spouse would. I am also free to be there for people of our island, where as if I was in a relationship this would take time away from my family (2 lovely granchildren) & community activities. Celibacy should be a joyous freedom not a burden.
Best wishes
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Omyk
I am sorry that your wife died & that you had no warning. So I guess you were unable to have the discussion with your wife about new partners should a tragedy strike.
As I deepened my spiritual life I decided to try out celibacy in my 50’s as I did not want to have casual relationships. Initialy I took a vow for one year and a few months before the year was up I reviewed whether I wanted to be in a relationship. I realised that I was content for at least 90% of my time I could handle the short & occasional bouts of loneliness/longing.
I have good friends & family so I continued renewing my celibacy vow each year and after 5 years I decided to stay celibate for the rest of my life. My spiritual life has deepened over this time and once my family commitments are over I hope to take robes.
I wish you all the best in which ever path you choose.
Kind regards Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Clara
I hope you have a good trip. Along with the causes that Helcat stated at the moment fear drives my anger ie If dad has a fall I cannot lift him by myself so when dad’s unco -operativeness puts us both in danger of this I have to slow down and realign into my parasympathetic system. The problem is that if anger is not counteracted it becomes more frequent and stronger. Gratitude Love patience & compassion are the antidotes. Working with Anger by Thubten Chodren is well worth a read plus I am currently reading a book called Prescence.
Best wishes Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Clara
Now that you see that there is a pattern & a root cause for your anger and you appear to be willing to start to actively address the difficulty with emotional regulation.
Whether your current relationship continues or not I hope you will continue with self exploration so that you will have a happier future.
Kind regards
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Chau
If you do not honor the no contact agreement, what message do you think that is sending out? ie needy, untrustworthy.
Use this time to nurture your good qualities and allow the other stuff to arise and pass away as is the nature of thoughts & emotions without acting on them. Journaling is fine as long as it does not feed your pity party. Eckhart Tolle’s talk on the pain body is well worth a look.
Kind regards
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Vee
I am sorry that life for you at the moment appears to be without joy & contentment.
May I ask how was your marriage prior to having children?
You should congratulate yourself for noticing the connection between the stress your husbands attitude towards you and your comfort eating. At the moment I am reading two book one call Presence and the other is Real Meditations in minutes.
Do your children see & hear these troubling interactions?
Would your husband be open to couples counseling, he too maybe is unhappy or stressed and it has leaked into your relationship.
I hope that you will get plenty of support from the members of this forum.
Kind regards
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Franco.
The big thing that you should take from the encounter is that she looked into your eyes.
This means that she has no hang ups about meeting someones gaze.
RobertaParticipantDear Arie1276
You chose to accept the invite to go around even though you know that the situation between you & other family members/inlaws is volatile. You were sober and capable of walking away the moment things began to get uncomfortable especially since you saw that they we really drunk by the time you arrived. You in your post you say that you & your son used the F word on several occasions during this visit. So its a bit like the pot calling the kettle black. I think you are right to keep any future meetings to a minimum & act with dignity and walk away from anything that you find provocative. It is up to your nieces parents to go into bat on her behalf.
RobertaParticipantDear Chau
I am sorry that you were unable to get the support you wanted to cope with the distress that your mothers dementia blip gave you. Just the other day a friend of my late mum asked me how she was & I said we lost her a while ago. Then she shook her self and said ” I have dementia”. I spoke about the little funeral we had & told her I would hold the memory for both of us & that she could never upset me. She smiled & we hugged. My dad would just tap his head and say his brain was not working. Over the years we have had a couple of these poignant moments. Have you been to any talks about the different aspects and stages of dementia? My dad is on 35mils of coconut oil in his breakfast & there was / is a marked improvement in his mobility & cognitive skills. My friend tried a bit with his mother but she has diabetes & it played havoc with her blood sugars.
Kind regards
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Chau
I guess hope, despair & confusion are your companions at the moment. It is okay to feel these emotions or any others, just do not feed them.
Pema Chodren has a book called comfortable with uncertainty and also Living Beautifully – uncertainty & change, in fact all her books are insightful & helpful.
When ever I am at a crossroads I review How I want to live my life. This helps me be patient with being in limbo and makes sure that I am keeping to my core values .
Keep yourself busy with healthy pursuits and avoid alcohol or other mind /wisdom altering substances & people.
Kind regards
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Mr A
Unfortunately you appear to adhere to a society which promotes excessive wealth and intellect over kindness & compassion and women are often regarded as 2nd class citizens especially if they fail to produce a male heir.
Learning about Loving Kindness Meditations & practicing them alongside gratitude meditations may help raise your emotional IQ. Also I get a Daily Good by email each day I find it interesting & stimulating you could try reading this with your wife each evening, it may give you something to talk about on a level playing field.
Kind regards
Roberta
RobertaParticipantIf you are a poet, you will see clearly that there is a cloud floating in this sheet of paper. Without a cloud, there will be no rain; without rain, the trees cannot grow: and without trees, we cannot make paper. The cloud is essential for the paper to exist. If the cloud is not here, the sheet of paper cannot be here either. So we can say that the cloud and the paper inter-are.
“Interbeing” is a word that is not in the dictionary yet, but if we combine the prefix “inter” with the verb “to be”, we have a new verb, inter-be. Without a cloud, we cannot have paper, so we can say that the cloud and the sheet of paper inter-are.
If we look into this sheet of paper even more deeply, we can see the sunshine in it. If the sunshine is not there, the forest cannot grow. In fact nothing can grow. Even we cannot grow without sunshine. And so, we know that the sunshine is also in this sheet of paper. The paper and the sunshine inter-are. And if we continue to look we can see the logger who cut the tree and brought it to the mill to be transformed into paper. And we see the wheat. We know that the logger cannot exist without his daily bread, and therefore the wheat that became his bread is also in this sheet of paper. And the logger’s father and mother are in it too. When we look in this way we see that without all of these things, this sheet of paper cannot exist.
— Thich Nhat Hanh
RobertaParticipantDear Mr A
Oh dear oh dear what a pickle. As a woman who tried for many years to conceive again after having two healthy boys. I remember how each month that I did not get pregnant I felt a failure and less of a woman. If your mindset is mainly to make love to your wife, because you want a child, she is probably going to feel like an unloved brood mare instead of a beloved wife.
I suggest you take the pressure off your wife and stop trying to conceive and spend the next year taking time to nurture your wife’s self esteem after the battering you have given it for the last 3 years. Get playful, make time for each other, dance, find out what’s her joy. You may just have to accept that you will remain childless.
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Rising Again
How lucky you are to work for a kind & understanding friend. I too was once blessed to have a friend like yours. They let me learn a couple of aspects of the job and once I was comfortable & competent added another aspect. He preferred that I took my time & did less, so that there were few mistakes and any that occurred were rectified quickly with no hint of censure.
Relax , enjoy your work & stop comparing yourself to others, that way you will become more productive & competent much quicker than being stressed & critical about your performance.
RobertaParticipantDear Flow28
I am sorry that your first intimate encounter turned out not to be in a fully committed relationship.
Does the country you both live in and or his religion prohibit gay relationships?
Nobody likes being given ultimatums especially so early on in a relationships. Yes you can voice your fears regarding alcohol and the possible promiscuous behavior. My son and his friends had a similar tradition for many years, yes there was some drinking, these trips petered out once they had dispersed to different locations, now my son is happily married and with children, but he still gets to visit his best friend for a week end each year with his wife’s blessing and she too is able to have girlie downtime.
It is strange that he did not think that the relationship was not deep enough to commit to official bf/gf status either before or after sexual activity. He may be the type of personality that likes the chase, but is not really interested in the act of conquest itself.
Please do not become bitter or untrusting because of this short lived encounter. Value & love yourself so that when the right seeds for a relationship are sow it will be a happy & supportive.
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