Alf,

I want to say that your words are very grounding. It is true that “bad” is a societal definition that isn’t really explaining the reality and perhaps I have been thinking that a solution that is viable should also be easier than what I am facing.

Your point about advising is true too and I think taking it that way with my work now will help me also, to remind me of what I am in control of and not.

Thank you both Jackie and David.

David, I really think you are right about getting back up. I asked myself, what was holding me back from getting back up? Was it hopelessness of society? I think it was hopelessness of myself actually. I keep on getting held back and beating myself over a “mistake” made in the past. I feel that because I made that mistake my situation is hopeless.

Can you believe that “mistake” was going for an undergraduate degree in the Humanities and now going for a professional degree at the Master’s level? It’s really not about the situation at all, but I have really internalized some messages about myself from society and other personal experiences. The societal messages about the economy and the worthlessness of humanity fields I have used as tools of re-reinforcement to prove that I am hopeless. I went through a lot of emotional and physical abuse in the last few years, and I have more than a hint that these feelings of hopelessness of society and myself are leftover messages from those experiences. It’s almost as if I chose something arbitrary to be like “That’s it, that’s what all those people were talking about. They told me I didn’t deserve happiness and would mess it up on my own and I did it.”

Lindsay, I think what you say about having the right mindset and being able to have a fulfilling life either way is key. It is so easy to overcomplicate things when we make it either/or, have or have not.

And TrailGirl, those are the thoughts I go through as well.

Hearing your words Ben and Annette brought forth that other inner voice that I had been neglecting so long because I was paying to much attention to my anxiety and to other people’s voices of anxiety. You are absolutely correct what you are saying. What I have been comparing myself so long too is that “go to college, get a high paying job, get married…” script which hasn’t fit me and I always knew wouldn’t but I kept as a marker of my worth because it was just expected of me and is easier to judge myself with than by looking inside and seeing my inherent worth and if my outer life was keeping in with my inner life.

All your words were so beautiful. Thank you both 🙂 It truly is amazing what a little compassion and understanding can do for a person.

Andrew,

Talking to others and feeling connected with others always makes me feel better.

I do think traveling can help us. While I may not be able to travel to another country right at this moment, going to the local park, getting on my bike and getting to the neighborhood next to mine, or just going out and walking a different path brings me new perspectives.

I ordered from my library the book you recommended so I will let you know my thoughts on that and I would love to get in touch with your girlfriend!

My e-mail is: dmdinbox@gmail.com