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I never thanked you for your response to my post. Your reply made the most sense to me and I have since closed my profile down too. Online dating does feel forced and it does just come off as an ego boost for alot of women. Not all, but a lot of them. It is probably why people remain forever single because they either don’t try to give someone a chance, or don’t give some time to see if it is worth it.
I’m focusing on what myself and my kids need right now, and when I feel like entering the dating world again, I’m going to look for some different alternatives to meeting women more organically. Like many people, I was fooled into believing that this is almost the only way to meet women these days, but maybe people just aren’t trying hard enough anymore.
Thanks again for your comments
Update on this situation.
I received a text recently from the woman that I was interested in. She wanted to let me know that in the week after we were supposed to meet, she had met someone and they were going to start dating. Also, she let me know that things wouldn’t have worked because she was “out of my league” as she put it. It sounded like it was pretty planned out to me.
I don’t really think that she was as nice as she made herself out to be. I really don’t think I am that good of a judge of people’s character. No matter what people think of me, at least they are getting the genuine article. It is getting frustrating to try and think positive about having a relationship again.
First of all, thank-you Anita and wrighrom for your comments.
Just so you know Anita, I will get back to you about your questions. I’m with my sons all weekend and we are being pretty active. Also, I want to let you know that no harm was meant by my comments. Sometimes, I think people misread comments and respond without fully quickly about what they had just read. I had the online dating thing on my mind plus a lot of other things.
I only said that I think you mean well because I think you mean well. You gave me great insight into what your experience was and I appreciate that from you. It wasn’t meant that as a slight towards you at all.
I’ll answer more later
I’m definitely not judging you on how you approached it. Maybe you had the best way of doing it because you didn’t expect much from it, and you didn’t become too emotionally involved with one person, just to have it fall through and disappoint you. Also, you said they were short meetings with no physical intimacy, so how could I possibly say anything bad to you. At least you actually took the time to meet people.
I think it is the rejection that is starting to wear me down. I’m not a bad looking guy. Actually, a lot of people (not just my mom) have said I’m a nice looking man, but I send decent and thoughtful messages to women, and sometimes they check my profile but never respond. You try to have a thick skin but it is frustrating to keep trying and no one will start a conversation, let alone meet you. I know women encounter their share of creeps and jerks, but I think it is more of an ego boost for them than for men.
I was wondering something. You said you got a kick out of the number. Was it because it felt good that that many men were interested in you at the time? I don’t think a lot of guys get to see that happen. I’m just about to my mid forties and it feels very difficult to get dates. Oddly enough, the few women I have met or dated have all been 7 to 8 years younger than me, so I don’t know if it is my age.
What I am noticing is that a lot of the same women are there forever because no wants to “settle”. Settle on what? Probably a lot of guys like myself who will treat them with respect and want to build a good relationship. I makes no sense but I think a lot of people have very rigid expectations that doesn’t allow them to find someone that would be good for them.
I think I have a lot of negative energy (like stress) around me right now and maybe that comes across when I message someone. Even though I am polite and thoughtful when I send it. I don’t know anymore. Maybe I need to step away from it for a while and not think about it. I’m just to the point where I would like to share my life with someone again.
I’ve been reading your post a few times and I’m trying to figure out if you are giving me sarcasm or not. I know what POF and match are about. Like you said, it is mass dating, and you are trying to get to know someone a bit. How do you do that if you are meeting a mass amount of people all the time? I know it takes a while to find someone but the dates I’ve been on always led to multiple dates with these women.
I actually spent time just getting to know them, and I think because I focused on just them, it was noticed. Any women I met were only seeing me at that time. The last woman said she only wanted to get to know me at the time and was very into me at the time. It bothered me because I was drawn in by her enthusiasm and I started to feel more strongly about her. Maybe this will be a problem for her because she comes on very strong.
Your dating philosophy makes sense and I have met all the women I have met this way. I’m not afraid to be in the light and look someone in the eyes on a date. I prefer it so that I can get to know the person as a whole. The problem is, I’m trying but it doesn’t even seem to get to that point now. It always seems after I am connecting with someone, and it doesn’t work out, I can’t get anyone to respond. Maybe I need less expectations with everything. It’s just tiring going through the motions again.
I think you mean well Anita and I appreciate your input. It is nice to hear that you found someone that way. I want to believe it is possible.July 16, 2015 at 10:41 am in reply to: Self esteem taking hits. Starting to feel like I'm not worth the effort #79957
Hi again Anita,
I’m am trying to move forward when comes to this last woman. Maybe I need to think about if it will actually be considered a joke if I say something to them. Give that aspect time to see what they are like. If I have to completely walk on eggshells around them, then I know it won’t work anyways.
Maybe she had someone who said things that were rude to her all the time. Maybe it affected how much she would tolerate from someone. I’ll never know but I don’t want someone to feel hurt by things I’ve said. I try to make them feel like there could be no one else because there wouldn’t be.
It’s self pity but I wish someone would see that I’m worth trying for.July 16, 2015 at 10:15 am in reply to: Self esteem taking hits. Starting to feel like I'm not worth the effort #79953
I don’t know. I’m not passive aggressive. I don’t say mean spirited things to people. What happened with my ex is in the past, and I know that there are better women out there,that I’m just having trouble connecting to.
I grieved a long time over what happened and if it sounds like there is some anger when I speak of her,then I think it would be tough for anyone who was with someone so long to not be disgruntled about them. People use the term toxic for certain people. This is now I’d describe her. I deal with her as little as possible because I feel drained after I do.
It’s not something I bring to someone new. That is fresh and I want to build a new better story with them.
I just wonder if part of my past is affecting my present.July 16, 2015 at 7:05 am in reply to: Self esteem taking hits. Starting to feel like I'm not worth the effort #79944
I have to add to my post. I’m especially struggling to understand what happened with this last woman. She contacted me alot. Texts first thing in the morning. Just to say good morning. Always responding quickly when I sent her a message. Telling me how she couldn’t wait to see me.
Then one small mistake, which I instantly took responsibility for, and apologized for, and everything was shut down.
I’m trying to let go of it because I know it just makes you suffer, and you can’t know what she is thinking.
It is just that when you think someone sees the good in you then you can’t understand why they won’t try to give you the chance to keep show it to them.
I don’t think I’m trying to get someone to validate me. It would be nice if they thought that you weren’t easy to give up on and forget.July 15, 2015 at 8:45 am in reply to: Is there hope or did I lose out on something good? #79899
Hi Anita and anyone else who might respond,
I took it upon myself to let that woman know that I was letting go of the possibility that she might change her mind about staying in touch, and seeing where things might go.
I expressed that I regretted that we weren’t able to go any further,and said that maybe time would give her a chance to see things differently.
I sent her one other message before this but I let her know that I won’t send anymore now. Why don’t I feel any better about it?
I already know the answer. It’s because I’m truly not letting go yet. Nothing in life is consistent but I guess the sudden turn around threw me for a loop.
I started to read about the four tenets of Buddhism and I know it will benefit me to study them more in depth.
It is just difficult after going through an emotional abusive marriage break down, and then really start to feel something for someone for the first since then,and have it fall apart before you can show them that you are a good hearted person.July 14, 2015 at 11:36 am in reply to: Is there hope or did I lose out on something good? #79852
I’m over thinking the situation. I don’t know what she is thinking, and making assumptions about it will just bother me more. It hard to just say it was an illusion though. The way she wrote things, and how she spoke in person, helped create the impression I got of her.
I have to just let it go.
The feeling I got from her was nice though. We all want to find someone special and who thinks we are special. I guess it’s not her.July 14, 2015 at 4:08 am in reply to: Is there hope or did I lose out on something good? #79833
It seemed that it happened quickly. She was so open and vocal about what she wanted and was so attracted to me. It drew me in because I wasn’t use it someone wanting to meet you so bad and talk so much everyday.
Last year, I dated two women about 3 times each. Knowing them about 3 months each. The first one was a little more open and it didn’t last after the third. The second woman was more aloof, and I tried alot more with her because she still had alot of good qualities,but it felt like so much work with her.
With this woman now, everything was easy and natural. It just seemed to flow. But I wonder how she could shut down so easily though. Maybe she is too intense about getting to know someone and falls in and out of things quickly. Like I said, if I care about someone, I care about them. I can’t instantly shut it offJuly 13, 2015 at 3:27 pm in reply to: Is there hope or did I lose out on something good? #79783
Hi Anita ,
I do hope that some time will make her think about all the good things I said to her.Nikijaine did make a good point about all of this. With that one text, I was shut down completely. I sent her so many messages before and some after that,that were honest,sincere,and from the heart. She was always telling me that I was an amazing guy and messaged me alot. It was strange when it all stopped suddenly.
It’s feels funny because I don’t see the world as black and white ,and I always try to give people the benefit of doubt. I had hoped she would see that I was a good man who sometimes make mistakes. We all do.
I want to stay positive but I don’t want to sit and pine for her. I feel that she deserved me as much as I deserved someone like her.
Nothing I said was ever meant to make her feel hurt. I tried to explain that but it doesn’t seem to matter. I know one thing. When I care about someone, I can’t just shut down on them.July 13, 2015 at 2:12 pm in reply to: Is there hope or did I lose out on something good? #79778
Also, we did speak on the phone too and things seemed very comfortable and easy going there. I don’t think she got my jokes alot of times. Yes, I’m from north America in Canada,and my humour is more kidding. I never mean for it to be malicious or hurtful. She is a pre school and music teacher. I work in a warehouse. I don’t think she has been exposed to the the ribbing I have. I never did that to her but my skin is probably thicker. Her world has alot of sweetness to it.
She is a good woman that I would have liked to have known betterJuly 13, 2015 at 1:59 pm in reply to: Is there hope or did I lose out on something good? #79776
It wasn’t a mind game. Just a big mistake on my part. I’m not with anger. It felt so good getting to know her. I think I said that I couldn’t help but care for her because I’ve been so guarded and alot of times felt like I didn’t deserve someone like her again. She just opened me up and I felt something I haven’t felt in awhile.
I regret it but I can’t change what happened. I’ll have to learn from this. I just wish that I didn’t have to learn from it with her.July 13, 2015 at 10:56 am in reply to: Is there hope or did I lose out on something good? #79764
I don’t know if it was a really a joke. It was more of a tongue in cheek thing where I was basically contradicting what I said. It was meant to be kidding but I said she was an unintentionally mean person. After that, I just went on and said a lot of things about her as a person that I thought was great, and how I’m usually guarded but I couldn’t help but let her in. Also, I told her that I couldn’t help but care about her. I know it was a stupid thing to say now. Especially if someone doesn’t get your sense of humor. It was supposed to be a contrast thing.
I know it was a mistake and I apologized for it. I’m just guessing that some people aren’t willing to give you a second chance. It just sucks because this is the first woman that I felt could have been someone worth giving your best for.