Hello Cheryl,

No worries. I know what you are going through i truly do. The sleepless nights worrying about what the next day will bring can be agonising and it all seems so out of control. I have thought so many times that i “do not want to be here” and i worry that one day i will put that thought into practice. But like the other lady who replied said just do what we can, as we can. My current role is overwhelming as a lot of the aspects that deem it a success are things that are way out of my control (weather, landowners refusing entry to sites, contractors doing poor work when i am not there) but i can only do so much and i, like you am going to try and take it one step at a time.

Take care and keep me posted on how you are going, it will be good for me to be able to share to!

E.

Hi Cheryl,

I joined this site 2 days ago, my first reply was in the “cant seem to get away from negative thoughts” thread which is on the 2nd page. if you are interested because a brief history of what i am going through, have been through is on it. I know exactly how you feel. I have had a few days off this week and have been dreading going into work, like you am depressed, anxious and highly sensitive and if i may i will share what a friend of mine told me yesterday? Basically i have made some “wrong” choices in life recently, especially in jobs. A friend of mine has done the same thing and he is now at peace with himself. He has is own business now and when i was telling him about how miserable i am in my job but too scared to leave he replied” the trouble is mate you take it too seriously, after all they proved when they made you redundant what they think about you so do your bit then go home” Easier said than done for people such as us but…..  You owe your company nothing apart from turning up and doing your job to the best of your ability and as honestly as you can. I have learned this the hard way since i was “flushed away” by my company and it has been especially hard for me because some real wasters got away with keeping their jobs. I now am  going to leave work where it belongs. At work. I know i am going to have hard times as well as good and if you are reflective like me which i am sure you are (?) this will be especially hard when we hit a bad spot. By all means look, i know i am now, and by all means tell them if you like but do not feel guilty. I put a lot into my role compared to others and lost my job, self-respect and what little confidence i had because of 3 words. Charge hand redundancy. I am slowly trying to re-build but i now wait for the next time it happens so treat your employer for exactly what they are. A way for you to make a living and do the things you want to do.

Hope this helps, please reply anytime if you are feeling low? I know how you feel mate and you are not on your own.

Hey,

You are very perceptive. I hate the fact that i am “gifted” with both extreme sensitivity and i am massively reflective.  I feel that sometimes i cannot take it, hence the fact that i want to be away from all of this. I will look him up and see what he thinks.

All the best to you Mia, i wish you every happiness and success.

E

Dear Fatima,

I wish i could sit down with you and just chat with you about how we both feel. My childhood and teenager experience was one of self hatred and failures. A dad who was not approachable in any way and a mum who “doesn’t believe in depression “I was the stereo-typical classroom weakling, ugly, seven stone  and 5 foot tall and the pain of PE classes and having to wear a vest still to this day make me shudder. I left school and bounced from job to job eventually finding one in a local factory where upon the opening ceremony of a new building i was thrown around by a group of men like a rag-doll in front of their laughing wives/partners. And was told that i would never lose my virginity, get a girlfriend. I stuck it for 10 years and during that time took up boxing and training to improve myself  and a lot of the bullies left me be. At the age of 27 i left the factory for a new challenge. I re-trained to be a tree surgeon, which in hindsight was a huge mistake, and met the only girl who i felt ever looked at me let alone want to sleep with me and married her. I had a fairly settled period for a time but the negative thoughts and experiences have always been an anchor pulling me down and they never go. After a couple of career moves which were not good for me i then found myself in a job with people who i despised and were lazy/dishonest but i really tried and the pay was good, my wife does not work so……and guess what? I was made redundant and they kept their jobs! I then had the worst 3 months ever trying to find work which for a 44 year old tree surgeon is not easy (young mans game and i have injuries!) The company interviewed me as part of the redundancy process and they offered me a promotion. I was desperate to leave but felt that i had no choice but to stay there due to fact we had just remortaged and i had used up my savings to move to a bigger home for our children. I was thrown into this job with no real training and have been shouted at for not doing it right, even though my manager is worse than useless. I had one more job on the back burner which i was due to start Friday and guess what? This morning a friend came over to get some of my paperwork and informed me that in the re-structure i have kept the manager who has removed whet little hope, self respect and optimism i have. One hour after turning down the other job, which i knew i could but pays so much less that i have no choice but to stay where i am…… I can not tell you how many times i have googled best way to kill yourself, lost all hope etc. I hate myself to a point that even looking at my kids cannot shake me out of wanting to end my life. My whole life has been a struggle and long story short. Like you my friend i cannot find any reason for self love and respect. God forbid i drank, i don’t as i am tea-total, or did drugs because i would be dead. But i don’t want to be me….. So there you have it. I cannot stop the negativity, dark thoughts, and the thought of going on fills with me dread. I wish for fatal cancer or a car crash, both of whom would see my family ok due the life cover paying out, suicide would not. What you say resonates with me so much that i joined this site today (the first time i have ever done such a thing!) just to write this down and tell you that you are not alone in thinking how you do. I wish you the peace and the happiness that i can see by your story that you so richly deserve. For me i feel it is too late.