Hi Mnml,

I hear you loud and clear! I also do System and Network Admin, and the disconnection that is derived from staring at a screen is crushing. Convincing yourself that you are helping others, when really your day is problems and solutions oriented, not discussing, and sharing ideas. We long to be part of a community, but the more we open ourselves to it, the more integrated into IT we become, and more disconnected the result is because screens do not talk back in the way our hearts need.

I have accepted this as it is, but the path is not easy. For instance (you may have had similar) I go to a bbq with some friends, and I get a tap on the shoulder, “Hey mate, my PC is playing up, can you have a quick look?” Like a quick look ever happens in the personal PC realm……. So I am working on the computer whilst everyone socialises because you can not just leave a mess once you start the ‘fix’ process. Then everyone knows I can do IT….. really well…… so when invited to any of those friends place, it is not for a social visit, but an underlying need to have their PC fixed.

Random call from a work colleague, “Hey, hows things, do you have a sec?” Wow….. a friend….. cool…. Nope, just more IT help

As you very well know….. I could go on…..

My choice was to look within. Why do I feel lonely? I am helping others, and this is a worthy existence, so surely I ‘should’ be feeling great! Fixing an issue in minutes, when a staff member has spent hours on it, and the gratitude from that ‘should’ make me feel on top of the world. Why is this soul crushing? Why am I disconnected? Why am I not valued? Why can I not socialise like others, and seemingly gain their acceptance, and company in a genuine manner?

I realised within myself, that I was disconnected from myself. I did not accept me. I did not value my existence. My best friend in the whole world that I have known from the moment I was conscious was not talking back, and sharing inn my life. I had shielded my heart, and I no longer loved myself for so many reasons…..

Your external world is a reflection of your inner world. You can only recognise what you understand within.

IT makes you go into your head – disconnecting your heart for most of the day. So I thought back then…..

My marriage was failing for a number of years, when I realised this internal truth. I ended up divorcing, however I found me again. I found that path leading to my heart, and began trimming the shrubbery that lay over it. I disciplined myself to travel that path everyday, and learn to love myself again. Still going in fact……

It is not your job…. I can assure you. This does not mean you need to consider another occupation, but what you feel, is what you now need to look at, accept, explore, and find out why you abandoned yourself. You are you not loving yourself?

I sense we will be writing more 🙂

Best

Evan

Hi Janine,

Forgive yourself – no matter what it is. You can not heal, change, improve and find peace within if you do not do this first.

Accept what is – whether you agree/disagree/like/hate what has happened, or what you (or someone else) have done. Simply accept it fully.

Past is past – it is only a memory now. These memories can affect your now, in the present moment, but the act is already gone. For you to find love within yourself once more is the path to healing.

Share – when you are ready. We are here to learn, grow, discover self love, consciousness and find our inner peace so we can share this with others.

Best

Evan

Hi Plainsong,

Self worth is from the self, not from him over there……

Perhaps a logical chat would be beneficial…….

From re-reading your posts, I can see the following:

1) You were friends before this – you had self worth not defined by him. You didn’t really notice him much, but he was not unattractive to you.

2) He revealed one night he had feelings for you. Obviously, you are good enough for his attention and affection.

3) There was intimacy between you, suggesting to me you mattered before this, and during this….

4) The affair ended…..

5) Logic would suggest, that this experience has highlighted that you do in fact matter and have self worth. If this man was so drawn to you, and not the other thousands of other women out there… and then chose to spend time and intimacy with you.

So logically, you do matter, you have self worth, and only the direction of his attention has re-shifted.

What does this mean for you? Read point number one. You are not defined by him, nor is your self value. It never was, so your thinking in not logical.

Find that place within, and start there. Perhaps re-read some of the advice already posted with a refreshed insight into your thinking. See if you can catch your mind tricking you into something illogical.

Best

Evan

Hi Lucylou,

Your honesty is appreciated. This is certainly the beginning of change!

If I may note a few points to consider……

Children are like sponges and learn from parents what to look for and expect in a relationship when they are of age. Perhaps you may not have the comfortable living situation you have presently, but I would seriously consider what you are ‘demonstrating’ to your children with regards to love, honesty, integrity, respect, relating to the opposite sex, honouring of another etc….. I ask you to contemplate whether this toxic relationship is harming or helping yourself, and your children.

Regarding yourself, what if misfortune struck and you had fewer years to live….. Knowing this, what would your choices be now? Life is not about waiting around, to see what you get back. Life is to be lived, experienced, cherished, shared, and finally let go of lovingly and gracefully.

As a child, I could not imagine planning to put my life on hold for a better day….. this is learned belief/behaviour somewhere in your past, and is not a self loving act. I implore you to look within, as I hear a regret in your tone about your decision.

Best wishes to you.

Evan

Hi Deejacy2,

I can see she has touched you deeply – almost a soul connection for want of a better word. These relationships occur to help us realise who we are. See if this helps explain something within…

How to Tell if a Relationship is Karmic, Soulmate or Twin Flame.

Best

Evan

Hi Dreaming715,

As scary and silly as this sounds…. try clearing your mind, and relaxing into yourself. We are social creatures, and are drawn energetically to love, joy, peace, centred-ness (if thats a word??) (We are still drawn to it even if its not) 🙂

My dating strategy as a male of 43 is…… be me! If someone is drawn to who I am, there is no need to study conversations, or adjust who I am, or play a role that at some point will change.

I could dress like a young, guy, buy a sports car, wear lavender shirts and sweet smelling aftershave…. talk about…. well not sure as I don’t travel like most do, and I tend to live simply…. so I would have to research topics to talk about, and study how dating has changes in 25 years. Maybe refresh my body language skills, and touch up on some psychology of middle aged, separated divorcee’s with kids, and join the gym and buy the obligatory tshirt………

Hmmmm get the picture 🙂

Have faith in yourself! You convey yourself beautifully and thoughtfully over the forum. You have compassion and empathy and a desire to improve yourself. Certainly positive and energetic… Love who you are without guilt, or question.

Anyways….. gotta go…… I hear there is a clothing sale down the road. Never know what I might find!

Best

Evan

Hi Plainsong,

I am aligning with your last post, and can see the fog of your emotions clearing. Your introspection and effort to understand is clear. Well done!

If he was married to you, and he cheated on you, what would you do? What is trust, honesty, respect and loyalty to you? What do you want in a relationship?

With so much thought aimed towards his life and relationship, I believe this experience is showing you what you do not want in your relationships.

Best

Evan

Hi Gary,

What a graceful response! I appreciate your openness, and receptiveness. Your demonstration is appreciated.

I do not want to discourage you by any means. I enjoy your intellect, and would encourage you to continue, as your passion is palpable and sincere. I am unsure how much latitude I have here…… but I will also show my courage in return as you have.

Rereading your Communion, there is still a shift, the reason being the use of ‘I’. If I may….

Communion

Nothing external.

No other exists.

One being is all.

Be Present.

Listening to Life whisperings.

let go, be unhindered, the soul unfolds.

This allows the mind to disengage yet the wording is similar. I am certainly not a writer, and I apologise if my efforts disturb you, however, I intend only to offer what keeps me grounded/centred without engaging my mind.

Also to note – I am one in a Dillion eyes that will read you works (if you keep going that is ::hint::) so please continue.

Best

Evan