Dear Anita!

I am sorry about your mum having a narcistic personality.  It must have been terrible to realize it. But it certainly helped you develop your fantastic skills. Learned in a hard way.

It’s interesting what you say about being stuck in a childhood development stage. Yes, she probably loved her mother, although she says no. Very complex case. Who would have thought! I have still no answer to my message of a few weeks ago, so I will not react. It’s difficult for me not to check on her but I have to learn and change behavior,  otherwise I will fall into the same pattern all the time. It’s just difficult to understand that someone tells you she loves and trusts you and when you are not around she forgets about you, you don’t exist anymore.  I am  wondering whether she does it on purpose. Is she able to calculate how to use people ahead for months? Or is it spontaneous, she cannot help it. In both cases, I think that she would need therapy. A professional help. But obviously,  I would never dare to say that to her.

Thanks Anita for your help, it’s always a pleasure to read you.

Dear Anita,

Thanks for taking time for rereading my posts. That’s correct, except that I never stay at friend’s place, unless they ask me to. They offer and they say I can stay as long as I want to. The friend in Switzerland offered me her flat but she was not around. She had a boyfriend and stayed with him most of the time. I maintained her flat, cleaned etc and when she came home for a night, I would cook dinner. I am definitely not a parasite-style and usually I stay even with family 2 days or maxi 5. As my friend didn’t have other issues than the honey pots and after buying 5 brand new and special pots I thought the problem was solved. That’s why I was shocked by her unfriendly behavior.

The other incident happened last year. Another person, in France, offered me her place. She exclusively invited me. It’s a very big, a huge house, so everybody has privacy. I started to do the laundry, huge bedsheets, her and her husband’s clothes. I ironed everything. I was taking care of the plants – it takes 2 days until you water the garden if one wants to take care of them properly.  I fixed her pool which took weeks because it hadn’t been maintained properly.  I took care of her 2 cats. I help preparing food, serving to guests, cleaning up afterwards. She and her husband travel a lot, so I would stay in the house during that time. She tells me she can only trust me. This summer I had to leave for 10 days because a good friend asked me previously to her, to cat-sit. I told her about this date before I arrived at her place. But 2 days before I left, she asked me to cancel him and stay in her house because she could only trust me and she had to be in the US during 5 weeks. I told her that I wouldn’t cancel my other friend. So she had to pay 600€ for someone for 10 days. Just for watering  the plants. She was very upset about paying someone. She never tells me ahead about her schedule. So I am often there alone, I cannot really leave the property because she is afraid that someone would break in. When she is there, she tells me about all her childhood and mariage problems. She yells at her husband every day. Often because of small things like he ate a boiled egg! She is extremely friendly and kind when we are with others and that’s how I knew her. But at home it seems that she is frustrated, impossible to please. She needs audience I guess and I think that her husband and I are boring after a while. Last year she knew that I would eventually leave before winter. In October I told her I would leave in the end of November because I had stuff in Asia. Actually, she suggested that I ship everything from there to her place in France, so we can start our business. That’s what she promised several times already. When I left, she stopped talking to me. A friend of her told me that she was very upset because I left. But she never told me. She just cut me off. Somehow we started to chat when mum died in March. She asked me on May 26th if I could fly to her place on May 30th. I said yes. I arrived and the next day they were gone for 3 weeks. I didn’t know that. We were supposed to work on our business plan. I am happy to help her out and I feel for her – she needed to get married because of an overstayed visa issue.  The relationship was not working at all but she had no other solution. So I understand her frustration. Anyway, I said yes, but I told her I needed to go back to carry on with the admin stuff after mum’s death. She said ok. But in between she had to leave again and asked me to stay a month longer. Which I did. But it was always clear that I would leave. So now she cut me off again. That’s why  I think she is narcistic. Sorry for being so long but I wanted to highlight a bit more the situation. I really don’t like to stay at people’s place for a longer period. If they need cat or house sitting and they ask me, I do it. I don’t get paid, I do all the housework. I don’t pay for the room but I am very energy-conscious and i don’t use a lot of electricity.  I don’t take long showers either. I often cook my own food. I left this friend’s house in France 2 weeks ago because I still take care of my uncle and have to carry on with the admin after mum. I wrote to her and no answer to my messages. So I guess she is upset again. These silent treatments are very difficult to stand and I told her once. But it seems that it was useless. Why does she tell me she trusts me and love me if once I leave, she doesn’t keep in touch. I think a friendship can be maintained even when we are in different countries.

In a nutshell, she wanted to do business with me years ago, she asked me to stay at her house,  she is upset when I am not there. Her idea 2 years ago was that she would put one of my articles to her etsy page, just to see if it sells. I said ok, so I went to my storage in another country, 800 km away and brought a few articles. It costed me money and energy. Etsy has never happened.  Instead she recreated all my logo and texts without even asking me. When I went to cat-sit to my friend’s, she told me I should be paid. I didn’t need to do anything, just take care of the cats and she wanted me to ask money for it. I work hard to maintain her property during weeks, months, and she doesn’t pay me, but she wants me to ask my best friend for money. I am really confused what’s going on in her head. I am not complaining about the situation, I just wonder why I got into it again. I won’t repeat it, for sure. She can tell me she loves and trusts me, I will stay away 🙂

Dear LunaIsHere,

Thanks so much for sharing your experience , especially your advice.  As it happened to me again, I think I will start writing a letter to her, which I will not send. As I mentioned in my answer to nycartist, what surprises me is that they want you so much in their lives, they tell you nice things and then they drop you. As I was in a similar situation recently, I think that I attract narcistic personalities who kind of download all their psychological problems to me and when it’s done, they kind of don’t need me anymore. Both cases were very similar. Outside very kind, social, smiling people, you would think they love everybody,  but once at home, they tell you horrible things about the others, how they dislike them etc. And the next day they call these people and do them favors,  the are kind to them. So I think it’s a bit unhealthy and very confusing. So in the end I think it’s good not to have them in my life. But I really need to find out why I get ‘trapped ‘. What occurs in me that I believe these people. What kind of lack or need I have that they use me as an emotional trash bin. Or am I just too polite to say stop to them. I definitely hate confrontations, especially with friends, so maybe I just do all this to avoid confrontation… I will figure it out 🙂

Hi Roberta,

Thanks for your answer. You are right, it’s a general problem, it seems. At least in Europe. I was also thinking of tracking. Maybe he could go together with his mum, so they could get closer and maybe talk about what bothers him in depth.  Although he has done therapy which didn’t seem to help much. The other thing I thought of was working for an NGO in Africa or in India. Maybe he would realize how good his life is here and he would feel useful by helping others. Who knows what’s going on in his head.

Have a nice week ahead.

Dear Tee,

Thanks so much for your answer. Actually, I have only met him once. I have just reconnected with my old school friend whose sister invited me to her bday. That’s where I met him and that’s where my friend’s sister told me about the disastrous stories of him. Smoking weed, not studying,  doing stupid things while high. They have suggested him many options, even found jobs for him but he doesn’t want any of them. Today they set a deadline by when he has to move out of the flat, sell his car in order to pay for the stupidity he had done and find a job or continue university.  He said ok. As I travel a lot and he found me ‘cool’ at the bday party, my friend’s sister hopes that I can talk to him and maybe have a good ‘influence’ on him or convince him to get his stuff together. But I’d rather agree with you. If he doesn’t want to change, even God would be unable to make him change. Additionally,  I don’t have kids myself, so I might not be the right person to give advice 🙂

Dear Anita,

Sorry for my late answer but I check in less since you left. And also, my mum is very I’ll, so I had to come to europe – from Asia – in emergency. I was standing at the airport in thongs and t-shirt in the middle of below 0 🙂 I haven’t been to Europe in winter since 10 years… So now I am taking care of mum and her brother who is also sick, has no family and cannot do anything at the moment.

I sincerely think that your work is essential here. Everybody is lovely and seems concerned but somehow, I always found your analysis fantastic. And additionally,  as I mentioned, you never let anybody down, you always got back to the person as you promised. Which is, unfortunately,  rare in life nowadays. People talk so much but rarely follow up. They even forget what they say 🙂

Nevertheless,  you should do what you feel right. If you don’t get back, it’s fine. I am very happy that people like you exist.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I have just read the comments in Anita’s Choice to Leave but I couldn’t find anything from you. Could you please tell me again where you submitted your posts on 15th? I would like to read. Many thanks.</p>
 

Dear Helicat,

Thanks for your answer. It’s true, many people have this  out of sight, out of mind attitude.