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Why friends disappear?

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  • #414944
    EvFran
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I am sure I am not alone with this. People simply disappear from my life, without any apparent reason. I travel a lot, so I never stay for long at one place, but I check on everybody, I ask how they are, what’s going on in there lives. I am genuinely interested in them and want to maintain the contact. Often it takes weeks until I get an answer. Last time I asked a very old friend who hadn’t written for a year -in spite of the fact that I lost my partner in a sudden accident and I was alone in abroad in COVID lockdown – and answered my messages with long delays, if he was ok. He said yes, he just doesn’t have anything to say, he works and it’s winter and I travel. Nothing to say, nothing to ask about my life either. But it doesn’t mean that we cut ties. I am so confused and shocked because it has been happening for years and it’s not an isolated case. Very close friends stopped writing back without any explanation. I was asking them what went wrong, did I say or do something but no answer I’ve been also experiencing lately that people promised things and didn’t follow up on their promises. For me it’s an absolute no go and I have difficulties to understand why they say something if they cannot do it. So I am just wondering what I am doing wrong, why people cannot connect, why they never ask how I am. I feel that I could die, they would never find out. What can I do? I really appreciate them and for me the physical distance doesn’t mean that I cannot connect with them. It’s so easy with Skype, mail etc. But more tools we have, people seem to communicate less…?? I understand that everybody is busy or going through hard times. I lost my soulmate a year and a half ago, I have no fix home or job, I have to reinvent my whole life which turned upside down in 5 minutes. But I find time to write and I am really interested in people. Thanks for your thoughts about it or your advice on how to treat this painful situation.

    #414949
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear EvFran:

    First, I am sorry that you lost your soulmate a year and a half ago. It must have been traumatic, and I imagine that you needed a lot of emotional support at the time.

    We all need emotional support from others on a regular basis. You are willing to give it (“I check on everybody, I ask how they are, what’s going on in their lives. I am genuinely interested in them and want to maintain the contact“), but you don’t receive it. Your questions is “Why..?

    The reasons, in your own words and mine: (1) “I understand that everybody is busy or going through hard times“- it is my experience that there are things that have been happening in our world since the pandemic of 2019-20, that have traumatized the .. global, human psyche, I’d call it: the fear of getting infected with Covid, the unknowns about it,, the daily count of infections and deaths in every part of the world, and in every county within many countries; the lockdowns and shutdowns, the disruption in the routines of life, routines that people used to find comfort in; the political radicalization, the rise in autocracy, war; the escalating climate change events, something everyone witnesses, and the daily news about that, the predictions of what it will mean… all these are traumatizing. When traumatized, when scared.. people withdraw (“he just doesn’t have anything to say…Nothing to say, nothing to ask about my life either… very close friends stopped writing back without any explanation“).

    2) “It’s so easy with Skype, mail etc. But more tools we have, people seem to communicate less…?“- the more people connect technologically, the less they connect in-person. It is common to see people sitting at the same table, each person looking down at their phone, scrolling and texting.

    3) “I travel a lot, so I never stay for long at one place“.

    Before I can offer you advice, I would like your thoughts about the different parts of my reply, if you will.

    anita

    #414951
    EvFran
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you so much for your prompt answer.</p>
    Yes, I was in shock when I got the call that my partner passed away just a few hours after we had talk.  I was alone without any support. I seemed help online at a widows association. They write back immediately and it helped to realize that I was not alone with such a situation. I am still in denial I think but try to carry on with life and organize it as good as I can.

     

    1) I see, the pandemic must have changed a lot in people’s behavior.  I am sure that you are right. We were stuck in a tropical country with my partner during covid, we could go out into nature, so maybe it was less traumatic for us. But I can imagine what a lockdown means in an appartment.

    Nevertheless,  there friends vanished years before the pandemic. One is back but writes less often than used to and never suggests that we skype. Whereas before she had often initiated a skype session.

    The other friend used to say how much she loved me, I could stay at her’s any time I was in town, we could set up our business together, she admires me. And one day, out of the blue,  she wrote to me that I could remove my stuff from her flat. Once I was in town, we agreed I would pick up. She put out everything to the street in front of the house, she didn’t say hi, didn’t even open the door. It happened 6 years ago and I am still wondering why. I found it very rude and unbelievable. Why do you say you love a person and then you do this? I am confused. If I love someone and I have a problem, I try to talk about it and find a solution…. I would never do this to a foreign person.

    2) Yes, you are so right. We are less connected emotionally since we have technology. Yes, I see people sitting next to each other and text. I see people reading their phone during a discussion. Surrealist.  I am 56, not 80. Just to make it clear that I am aware of  technology as well but I don’t check my phone when i am with someone.

    I feel a bit alien, to tell you the truth. I try to have understanding of others but I still think that we all have a minute to send a text from time to time. I don’t ask for hours of  conversations, just a message from time to time to check in. But if I don’t text, nobody does.

    Thank you for your time and the useful comments,  Anita. It creates a bit of clarity in my head and let me see things under a different angle. Which is very helpful.

     

     

    #414981
    Sheli Collin
    Participant

    FRIENDS. . .WOW. . .The older you get the more the definition description, and meaning of a TRUE FRIEND IS!? I JUST put myself in a REAL HARD SITUATION with my ABSOLUTE BEST FRIEND OF 30PLUS YEARS. I do not know what exactly to do next and I found this website. . .and I MUST THANK ALL OF YOU LITTTLE BUDDHA’S here and now because I just KNOW that I’m in the absolute right place to heal my heart and get on the right path to heal and get back on track with my best friend.

    And most importantly EvFran. . .I FEEL your isolation! I have health issues that legitimately keeps me isolated from the world that I know / knew. . . I quickly realized and was tested on A LOT of things in my life. . . Especially FRIENDSHIPS. In your writing and words I feel that you are truly perhaps blessed and at a crossroads in your life? You are searching and speaking some really hard and necessary things in your life to be able to love and grow. I believe that YOU ARE NEVER ALONE WHEN THIS HAPPENS IN YOUR LIFE. . .READING THE COMMENTS. . .WE ALL (including me) live through this part of our journey and LEARN A LOT about WHO we are. It’s uncomfortable but working it through here within this sort of FORUM really may be the necessary steps that may be key. It may be a way to work through some things so that you don’t feel alone and ARE connected even though we aren’t your friends but WE DO KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO LOSE FRIENDS THAT WE GAVE IT OUR ALL AND IT STILL WASNT GOOD ENOUGH. PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU MAY NEVER GET THE ANSWERS THAT YOU DESERVE. . .AND THATS OK. . .You Sound like a friend that cares deeply. . .The Great thing about LIFE is that. . .You mentioned that you travel a lot. . .if there is a place that you frequent a lot, business partners with like minds are always a great place to start lunches and dinners with. . .Your possibilities look endless girl 😜

    #415006
    Freesia
    Participant

    Dear EvFran,

    I hope you are feeling a bit better. You’re not alone in this struggle clearly. Thinking about your situation another way, it’s quite possible that you are simply unlucky for now. There are so many people in this world, there’s bound to be some that get unlucky with their circle of friends. I’m sorry that you’ve been treated this way – it sounds like you do all you can to be present for them as mentioned above. I would seek out new friends and thank my lucky stars that I don’t even have to gently disassociate myself because they don’t write anyways. Believe in your worth and believe in new beginnings. You’ve been through a lot and there ARE people out there who will recognize that and support that. The only barrier now is finding where to get good friends. But like Sheli said, your possibilities are endless. Travel can be a blessing and opening up to people you meet can bring new friendships for sure. Follow what feels genuine. I’ve made new friends on a plane, at a store, at bus stops, etc. Many people are looking for new friends. The world is huge and beautiful. Don’t sell yourself short. Don’t get so disappointed you stop looking along the way. I would search out my favorite places and I’m bound to find others like me there. Maybe search out events where you happen to be – like an international expo or convention or something and strike up a conversation with somebody. If you feel you made mistakes choosing people in the past, you now know how to avoid that. Life is weird. Keep showing up and be yourself. You sound lovely!

    #415032
    EvFran
    Participant

    Dear Sheli,

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience.  It must be very disappointing to lose a friend if 30 years! I suppose that people and situations change. But we can still go through stuff together and if it doesn’t work out, well, at least it’s clear. But just vanishing is so surreal somehow.

    Yes, I am definitely at a crossroad.  After my partner’s death my life took a 180 degrees turn in 2 minutes. We were a kind of nomadic people, so we don’t have a house or a car. He did art and I do creative work as well. I understand that this kind of lifestyle is not everybody’s cup of tea.

    I do know many people of course, I try to socialise as much as I can. I am outgoing and very interested in people.  It’s always been like this. It’s hard for me to ignore people. I have many ideas energy, maybe that’s the problem. It might be overwhelming for certain. I don’t know. I just try not to expect too much and get too disappointed.

    Thanks so much for your encouragement. It really helps: I will repeat that I have endless possibilities until it becomes my reality.

    And yes, I have been reading reactions on this forum for years, that’s why finally i dared to write. I don’t share too much of my thoughts with people but I really need a bit of help to sort out this ‘vanishing thing’.

     

    #415033
    EvFran
    Participant

    Dear Freesia,

    Thank you so much for your answer. It’s interesting to see like this. I have thought of many reasons but not of unluck. Maybe it’s just unluck.

    Yes, I travel between Asia and Europe.  Now that I lost my partner, I am wondering where to settle, how to set up my business. It feels like a heavy task and I dream of someone with whom I could work as a team. But I sense that it’s not happening and as Sheli said, I have to learn and grow. I have to go through this and find solutions alone. So I will do so but in my brain there’s still the question : why is it happening to me? Why can’t I have that supportive, communicative circle of friends where we all support each other, make each other laugh. I know it may sound childish but it’s the truth.

    #415041
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear EvFran:

    You are very welcome, it’s a pleasure to communicate with a person as sensible and gracious as you! It is also a pleasure to read the supportive replies you received from others, here on your thread.

    in my brain there’s still the question : why is it happening to me? Why can’t I have that supportive, communicative circle of friends where we all support each other, make each other laugh“- I wish we all had that supportive circle of friends, supporting each other. I wish all of humanity was a global supportive circle of friends.

    Maybe this thread, your own thread, can be a place of friends coming together to support each other. And then, maybe in real-life, you can have the same.

    “The other friend used to say how much she loved me, I could stay at hers any time I was in town, we could set up our business together, she admires me. And one day, out of the blue,  she wrote to me that I could remove my stuff from her flat… She put out everything to the street in front of the house… It happened 6 years ago and I am still wondering why. I found it very rude and unbelievable. Why do you say you love a person and then you do this?“-

    – here is a possibility, and it’s only a possibility (I like to come up with possibilities for human behavior): she admired you, looked up to you, had you on a pedestal, then something happened in her mind, and.. in her mind, you fell off that pedestal. It could have been something that objectively was a small issue, or no issue at all,  but subjectively, it triggered some very big and negative experience in her life, and she reacted harshly. Could it be?

    anita

    #415046
    EvFran
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, it would be really nice to have all of humanity as supportive friends towards each other. I don’t think there are many other solutions… AI is good and useful but cannot replace us.
    <div id=”line_space” dir=”auto”>I don’t know what you do in life but you seem to have a very good understanding of human psyche. I think you are spot on with my friend. She offered me to stay at her house any time and as long as I wanted to. I would never ask for it. If people offer, I accept it, otherwise I find a solution. So one summer I stayed at hers for a month. She said I could help myself with anything in the fridge and in the kitchen. Usually I do the housework when I stay with friends; I clean, do the laundry,  iron,  cook dinner. One morning I noticed that she had 5 old jars of honey open with one spoon of honey left in each. So instead of opening up a new jar, I just finished the old ones. A few days days later I noticed that my friend was not talking to me, tried to avoid me. I asked her what went wrong- maybe at work or issues with the boyfriend, I thought. It took her 3 days to tell me that she was angry with me because I had finished the honey jars! Obviously, before I left, I bought her 5 jars of special honey coming from all over the world. In my family we open one jar and finish it before opening a new one, so I just wanted to save the brand new honey. It’s a minor issue  but proves that you are probably right. Something must have triggered something in her mind.  But I still think that with a bit of communication we can easily avoid misunderstandings and solve many problems.</div>
    <div id=”line_space” dir=”auto”>I could have easily bought myself a new pot of honey and eat that one if she hadn’t had told me to help myself with anything in the kitchen…. how silly life can be.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”>
    <div id=”line_space” dir=”auto”>still don’t know what to think about all these vanishing.  Why people say one thing and do the opposite or do nothing at all… I suppose that I just have to accept it and live with it. Try to grow, as Sheli said so wisely.</div>
    <div id=”line_space” dir=”auto”>I am lucky to be surrounded  by beautiful nature, it really helps me to go for long walks and be thankful for small things like a fresh breeze, a butterfly, cute flowers, the sound of the rain on my roof.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”>Thanks for your helpful support.</div>
    <div id=”line_space” dir=”auto”></div>
    </div>

    #415064
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear EvFran:

    You are welcome and thank you for your kind words.

    She said I could help myself with anything in the fridge and in the kitchen… she had 5 old jars of honey open with one spoon of honey left in each. So instead of opening up a new jar, I just finished the old ones… It took her 3 days to tell me that she was angry with me because I had finished the honey jars!…  Something must have triggered something in her mind“-

    -reads like the old jars of honey in the frig gave her a sense of comfort, and when they were removed, her comfort was removed and she got angry.

    I am lucky to be surrounded  by beautiful nature, it really helps me to go for long walks and be thankful for small things like a fresh breeze, a butterfly, cute flowers, the sound of the rain on my roof“- talking about comfort: the fresh breeze you feel on your face, the butterfly and flowers you see, the rain you hear.. these things give you comfort.

    still don’t know what to think about all these vanishing“- one way to think about it is: what is this person’s comfort? What is that other person’s comfort? And if it is possible, ethical and right: give them their comfort, or don’t take it away.

    anita

    #415066
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi EvFran

    I’m sorry to hear about your partner passing, that your friend kicked you out and that you are having difficulty maintaining friendships as you travel abroad.

    Sadly, I think that is the nature of things with international travel. Unless you are communicating with a very specific type of person who enjoys International communication you’re going to keep running into those issues. Most people prefer to focus on their in person relationships.

    It sounds like the person you were staying with had some issues and they were being quite rude. It shouldn’t be hard for people to speak about eating honey or communicate issues. It’s always interesting living with someone because until you live with them you don’t really get to see what they’re truly like. It’s relatively easy for people to get along from a certain distance.

    I’ve learned that people come and go in life and that’s okay. It’s understandable to crave companionship too. You’re a very kind, polite and outgoing person. I’m sure that when you are settle down geographically it will become much easier to build and maintain relationships. Or you could search for someone with a similar lifestyle?

    #415069
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear EvFran:

    Unfortunately, there is a high probability that I will be removed from the forums today, and reading the title of your thread, Why friends disappear? I didn’t want to just disappear from your thread, so I am here to say (in case I am removed): goodbye EvFran, and to say that I hope that sooner than later, you will find a true friend in real-life, one who you can rely on!

    anita

    #415087
    EvFran
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It’s so sad that you’ll be ‘removed” after such a long time of contributing to the forum. Thanks for your valuable comments.

    #415088
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Thank you, EvFran.

    anita

    #415089
    EvFran
    Participant

    Dear Helicat,

     

    Thanks for your answer. It’s true, many people have this  out of sight, out of mind attitude.

     

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