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farnazParticipantDear Anita
There were many instances, I am sure, when she expressed to you that people are not to be trusted and that they deserve your low opinion of them, and you absorbed what she expressed to you, you
re right she did it multiple times and tried to separate me from others but in some ways i did feel separated and like an outsider myself because in my mind nobody had a problem similar to me and nobody could understand me , i mean having a mom with terminal cancer and i said i was surrounded with kind of people not because i believe im above everybody but because i think im not confident enough to socialize with more successful people who know what they want , i feel intimidated by them , because being surrounded with losers gave me this security that im better than some people and if they did something bad to me , i would say , it`s because of jealousy or pettiness .i don
t judge the value of a human by their success as much as my parents , i HOPE but some people can lift you up in life just you can make an example of them or give you some good advice and they are strong enough to be with you when you need at least they dont drag you down but i was surrounded by people who wanted to drag me down i did alot of stuff they couldnt handle , you remember i told you they werent very happy that i wasnt broken completely ?i dont want to be surrounded by these kind of people obviously .She wanted you separated, isolated and alone outside of the family as well by instilling.. and what was her reason do you think ?
Farnaz
November 25, 2022 at 12:58 am in reply to: being surrounded with bitter people and lonliness #410684farnazParticipantDear Anita
you are welcome , yes we can talk to the extent we are both comfortable with .
I wonder what kinds of work you practically did (ex., initiating dates?), and if you did that work with a cold-and-distant attitude (“I (was) considered cold and distant.. in relation to romantic partners“, Nov 23), an attitude to which the men did not positively react/i seem distant and cold in general and in general that make approaching me a little bit tricky , but once i like a person in opposite sex i don
t have any problem approaching them , i kinda overdo it , and show a little bit too much interests , so they would feel comfortable sitting their butt down and do nothing , it doesnt take much for me to realize that kind of behavior in a man , so i stop doing anything for them , to see if they do anything to gain my interests again , in most cases they dont , they werent that into me i guess , they wanted a ego trip , in case they were interested in me , i will find tons of faults in them to convince my self they are not any good , and by faults i mean based on my mom`s standard , subconsciously .she also repeatedly told me (in a day-dreaming kind of way) that I will meet a prince charming who will marry me and make all (her) dreams come true that was the exact situation in my sister
s case , i think i cant completely distinguish between my own standards and my mom`s to this ageFarnaz
November 23, 2022 at 10:26 pm in reply to: being surrounded with bitter people and lonliness #410636farnazParticipantDear Anita
i don
t want you to push you say anything youre not comfortable with , if you dont want to talk about it , thats ok .but i do believe if we talked about these difficult topics , and sharing as much as we are comfortable with , can help us both . but obviously there is no push here.
this reminds me of our talk about inferiority vs superiority, the two being two sides of the same coin. I felt superior to guys who showed interest in me, but painfully inferior overall.exactly , everything is related , unfortunately . i feel i never think of myself as equal to others .
by doing all the work , i meant make the relationship happens , doing all the steps without actually trying to impress me or showing they worth trying to keep them in my life , and they were`n worthy
i
m looking forward your reply , take your time and if you dont want to talk about it , it`s completely fine for meFarnaz
November 23, 2022 at 12:16 pm in reply to: being surrounded with bitter people and lonliness #410599farnazParticipantDear Anita
just like you i had very little romance in my life , although i
m not that self conscious about myself during the dates which were very few , i got very obsessed with guys around me , i made a big deal from very few gestures they did in my mind and wasting my time daydreaming about them , like having a future and ...with no result . they werent even aware i had a crush on them , i was too cold and prideful to show it . i dont know if im exaggerating or not but NONE of them were a good much for me when i look back , i was choosing them subconsciously so if they left or that didnt work out , i would tell myself im better off without them and i dodge the bullet which is true , they werent good people, they werent a good match for most women but i chose them , i mean they were very similar . selfish , distant and arrogant and most of them wanted me to do all the work .like my mom?! what about you do you see any pattern in men you were interested?Farnaz
November 23, 2022 at 11:26 am in reply to: being surrounded with bitter people and lonliness #410596farnazParticipantdear Anita
no problem anita ,And/ but… anything you want to talk about, whatever it is.. let’s talk about it and thank you for letting me talk about my problems , but if have any topic you want to talk about which is interesting to you , share with me if you like ,
one of my problems i always had that you might relate to it , is to be considered cold and distant , because i
m scared to be hurt and that made me hard to approach specially in relation to romantic partners , im not comfortable with intimacy . could you share your experiences in romance , if you wish ?i mean your experiences with your mother how affect your love life ?Farnaz
November 23, 2022 at 10:27 am in reply to: being surrounded with bitter people and lonliness #410593farnazParticipantDear Anita
Thank you for your insightful reply
maybe he observed that when your sister confronted his mother with the truth about her hurt, his mother hurt his sister even more. So, he learned to not confront anyone with the truth of his hurt. Exactly , he is this way with every confrontation , he only can show his anger in a very explosive way , when he is angry because he feels more powerful but he destroys everything.
She can’t cut ties when her basic power is with her mother. She needs her lost power back. You became one of “the bad guys” in her mind because you supported the bad guy in her life: her mother. you are right , she hated each of us because she believes we weren
t the main target of my moms anger and maybe she `s right , i was too young to remember but when my brother is telling about their relationship , is like he is explaining a nightmare. it was so bad that my dad was adamant to sent my sister away because he knew they , my mother and sister would never get along .i think we recently only talked about my family situation although i enjoyed it , i believe it`s selfish to talk about me , do you have any topic in mind to talk about ?
farnaz
farnazParticipantDear Anita
i`m gonna reply to you in few hours , sorry for being late
have a good night sleep
F
farnazParticipantDear Anita
thank you
no problem , take your time and have a good day
Farnaz
November 21, 2022 at 11:05 am in reply to: being surrounded with bitter people and lonliness #410490farnazParticipantDear Anita
thank you very much
you are very insightful , If she stopped doubting her experience, she would stop reliving it in the effort of trying to figure it out.wow that
s so true , i remember my dad was also angry about my mom and obviousely me , for me personally when i realized that my mom was wrong about a lot of thing in her life , i mean not only realizing but believing it , i took my power back in a very deep level , my dad was also aware of the fact that she was treating him bad because she had problems , my dad wasnt innocent of course , he could be more active in reducing damage to his children , i suppose .but that realization made both of us relieved , we did it in separate way , nobody could do it for me nor for him . i personally begin to forgive her when i see her as a HUMAN , what you said about my sister experiences is exactly true , she is not sure about herself , she thinks shes wrong , she was a bad daughter thats why my mom was mean to her but in my perspective no matter how she was or any of us were, we didnt deserve to be treated like it , its self confidence , for me its been a long way to reach to that point and i was through the darkest place to actually reach it ,but i think its fundamental to start healing , and thats just a beginning , i believe my sister still see her mother as a perfect person and she sees herself as some worthless piece of crap who wont reach my moms standard , never ever . its sad , she is her 50 syou know i remember in first months when mom passed i was telling myself , i should live not inly as myself but also as her too , i mean instead of her , but after i got older and begin to find myself ( i
m still developing, in right direction I hope) ,i was telling myself , screw her , i need to live as MYSELF , as i like im a different person with different likes and dislikes , i deserve to be happy and do what makes ME happy not anybody else , my mom had her chance , im gonna judge if she wasted her life , its not my place and i don`t wanna go to that place to analyze her life .about my brother , i believe he doesnot even think , what happened to him was unfair , he never talked about it , i believe he totally blocked it , because it`s too painful for him.
You probably respond with neutrality, which is driving her crazy. EXACTLY i
m like ok that was your childhood but you were over 30 years far from your family , how you can be so affected by that , ive never said that to her but that i was thinking all the time , she could just cut all the ties , she didnt need us , but that wasnt what she wanted , she wanted proves that we are all the bad guys and she is not worthless . thank you for telling it , i truly appreciate ittake care
Farnaz
farnazParticipantDear Anita
sorry for being late , but at least i
m writing from my new flat now , its been 2 exhausting days but finally i got settled mostly .I haven’t asked her about it (not since May of 2013), nor did she share, and I would like to keep it this way. their relationship was much different as you said and maybe that works for her , that made me wonder if i would have a relationship with my mom if she was alive.
about reliving the situation , i feel like my sister is constantly thinking about what happened between her and my mom and she would react to everything even slightly close to the situation back then , she was very upset once we visited her abroad to the point we my dad and i should reschedule our flight because we couldn
t handle her temper , she brang past in every chance he got during 10 days visit and although i was upset i was wondering how she is living with herself if she is keeping remembering all those bad memories , i know our present was triggering for her , i know you went under therapy and you are healing but sometimes you cant help but reminding all bad memories. that can take your freedomI had to not only peel off my mother from my life, but I had to peel off her legacy as well.that
s very well said ,in my case i should my peel off my both parents legacy , of course my moms is more dreading . one of my strategies is when i try to distinguish between my own voices and my mothers in difficult situation , i mean is it my own feeling or something that would my mom said which was demeaning most of the times and choosing my own .i hope to hear from you soon
farnaz
November 19, 2022 at 10:33 am in reply to: being surrounded with bitter people and lonliness #410254farnazParticipantdear anita sorry for replying late .
i
m kinda overwhelmed with packing , im gonna reply to you in few hourstake care
November 18, 2022 at 12:27 pm in reply to: being surrounded with bitter people and lonliness #410234farnazParticipantdear Anita
thank you for your warm words .
you described the situation in best way , same mother but different childhood . i
m so sorry about what youve endured , being at home with your mom out of fear that she would hurt herself , i cant imagine . conflict between hating and loving her , its unbearable .you as my sister had tougher time which your respective mothers as older daughters . me as a daughter who was born when my mom was almost 40 had unconventional teenage years as my parents specially mam dad wasn’t that strict he used to be i could got away with almost everything . but my mom
s cancer made the life hell , i dont want to go to describe all the confusion and stress i had in my teen years , but i remember before her cancer came back i wasnt even sure that i loved her or not after realizing she was terminally ill , i realized i would miss her a lot and she was changed too , she realized she wasnt the best mom specially to my sister , but it was too late , damage was done , she was cruel and condescending towards me , but she was busy dealing with her disease and other worries . when she passed i was so angry and broken , and im still wondering after 19 years why everything about her was so complicated ???even grieving , she was very wise in some areas in her life , mostly professional and investing and generally financial stuff to the point that we all can profit for years but was so foolish , arrogant towards her family, she gave us the best advice time to time , she told us i want the best things for you and she delivered as much as she could but she persistently made us worthless and like a failure . after a while especially once my dad passed im trying to forgive them both but i can see why my sister cant . she is much more damaged or damaged in different ways that i was she spent too much time away from my parents , like 30+ and there was never a good time to discuss about problems , i dont know if the discussion would be helping knowing the both sides , i hope she could one day forgive my parents specially my mom for her own sake .i hope you feel free now , i know you are far from her but the point is do you feel free or constantly reliving the situation of course from what i read i can say you feel much better now ,and i`m happy for that . i wonder does your sister have a relationship with you mom now?
i was always an anxious child , look always worried about something after my mom
s death , at 58 when i was 19 i was always worried about my dad , when i lost him exactly 19 years after , i can say i dont have any major worries in my life , obviously i have dreams but i dont take stuff very serious ?or maybe i do ??i know its awful but its liberating , my worst concern happened and my dad passed from the same kind of cancer that my mom had , which is chilling but to be fair he was 77 . and he didnt suffer long . i guess i want to say it`s not a ideal situation obviously but i can live for myself . how to you feel about your life and your feeling right now ? tell me if you wishFarnaz
farnazParticipantlol , thank you very much you graceful and merciful .
farnaz
November 17, 2022 at 12:16 pm in reply to: being surrounded with bitter people and lonliness #410214farnazParticipantDear Anita
not to be braggy , i`m a glorious beauty from Persia , LOL
i`m looking forward your reply , have a good day
Farnaz
November 17, 2022 at 11:14 am in reply to: being surrounded with bitter people and lonliness #410208farnazParticipantdear Anita
thank you i had a very busy day , packing . i`m not a fan , i hope you had a good day too .
yes my sister hates my mom so deeply that she is willing to ruin her life just to take revenge from her , i should use it in past tense but the first part is currently true , although i can understand her to some degree , i can
t understand her reactions completely . im still judging her because i cant be partial , i wouldnt react to my moms abuse in that way but i wasnt in her place , she suffered much more as the oldest child , she was never accepted as she was and maybe me idolizing her , hurt her more than she was showing .about my sister in us vs her…?”as you said it is not an easy topic to talk about .i don
t believe i would see her an enemy against all of us , if she wasnt so cruel towards everyone in her family , my dad actually helped her to study abroad because he knew the fight between her and my mom wouldnt stop and she wanted to diffuse the situation (maybe that made her feel abandoned) i dont know , she betrayed his trust too , she was hostile towards me , i was 12 years old when fights between her and my parents was the worst . she was jealous of me maybe because i don`t have that difficult of relationship with my mom , because everything was changed when we knew she was gonna die from cancer , my mom was too sick to torture me as bad as she did my sister , i know that sounds awful .my sister was always the black sheep of the family even after my mom
s death , my father also showed her , he didnt trust her. AND SHE IS NOTi actually once told my mom directly that i wouldn
t let her to bring me down like my sister . i dont remember the context , but she was shocked to hear that . she was actually speechless but then she brushed it off .regarding your sister if that works for you , congratulations . your sister being different from you and handling the damage differently helps me to make my point , you reacted differently to the abuse you both endured just as me and my siblings .
i hope we can continue the discussion or maybe change it to a lighter topic ?
farnaz
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