Thoughtful replies 🙂

Anita, loving myself for a day is too long to contemplate. I just do my best in the moment, and when I fall I re-group, smile, accept it and move on. Peace to you.

Moon, its interesting you talk about order and cleanliness. My outer world is highly ordered and structured. My business is tidy and squeaky clean. At least it appears that way. Open my closet and there is a mess. It’s a metaphor for my existence. On the outside, I’m the easy going guy the people go to in times of trouble. On the inside I’ve suffered unbelievable pain. I’m crying just thinking about it (that’s a good thing. I can release that pain by letting go).

Another way I’m learning to practice self love is to uncover the lies I tell myself and confront them. I had set out to clearly define my values and few years back. I went thru an exercise to consciously list them. The trouble is that what I had listed was not congruent with what was manifesting in my life. This created a massive inner contradiction. My primary value was listed as family, yet I was going thru a divorce. I continued to hold family as my primary value. I lied to myself, I blamed, I resented, I became a very confused person.

Our values are not necessary our ideals. Our values are what we spend time and energy on without being told to do so. For example, if I say my values is healthy living, yet I continually over eat, I am lying to myself. My real value is enjoying food. Loving myself and accepting who I really am would mean that I need to embrace the truth, not the ideal. It’s extremely liberating. So I’ve faced reality that family may be my ideal, it may be a goal, but it isn’t my real primary value at this time.

No more lies. 🙂

Jack lol well put 🙂 We can teach ourselves and share what we learn with those who will hear it.

Anita – I think it is beautiful that you reach out to so many people and express your true self. It takes a certain courage and level of care to do this. I actually thought of you when I wrote this. Why? Because some of the things you have written provoked me to dig deeper and really think.

When my son was younger he displayed many behaviors that were tough to deal with for me. There were times when I became angry and expressed it, there were times when I lost my cool, there were times when I failed as a parent. But I did it all from a place of love. I love my son, I always have and I always will. I haven’t always loved his choices and behaviors, but I love him without condition, no matter what. That’s the distinction. That’s the love I am practicing to offer myself. It feels good. 🙂

People’s choices and actions are not always good. But the person is not the behavior. The behavior is temporary, the person is far more. I believe all people deserve love, no matter what they have done. I don’t excuse all behaviors or condone them, I simply have this core belief. I’ve certainly made some bad choices, made mistakes, and continue to be human, but I am not my choices. I am not defined my circumstances. I am larger. So are you. I think the world would be a lot better if all of us were kinder to ourselves.

You are quite right. People DO break. I cant say that I don’t mind hurting, that would not be true. In this case its not the person that is doing the hurting, she is very loving and kind, its the circumstances. So I would suffer for this love just as I would if my child were trapped on the other side of the globe.

I’m continuing my search for constructive ways of coping with this time and the uncertainty of our situation. It is that uncertainty that brings out the difficult feelings. I feel her always within me, as a part of me. She is in each thought and moment. She is a deep part of my psyche, of my being. It is during times when I have no physical validation that I become stressed. Men do have different needs. But couple this with the truth that our fate is in the government’s hands, and as each day passes we near a decision. We don’t know when the decision will come, or if there will be more delays. We don’t have a clue as to the outcome. How does one wait with peace and patience under these circumstances? How does one live in the moment, fully, here and now? Its a rhetorical question i suppose…

Plan B is to re-apply for a waiver, a process that will be costly and take 7 months or more. I’m afraid of this. I don’t know how I can emotionally handle it if this happens. My state of mind has not been well at times. The void is this; we share an intense connection when we can talk, but we can only talk in the morning or evening because of the time difference. I’ll be going through my day doing just fine then suddenly, as if a switch was turned on, an immense emotional emptiness consumes me. It’s horrible and I’ve never experienced anything like it. I think it is tied to the uncertainty of our situation. I am unable to live in her country and if we are unsuccessful at appealing the decision, she will not be allowed in the US for another 8 years. I can’t describe how horrible that thought is to me. I’m in tears just typing this. I love this woman with all my soul and to not be with her tears me apart. I’m normally a very strong person. I’ve been through a LOT in life and have always had the emotional resources to do well. But this uncertainty is beyond my current abilities.