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ChrisParticipantHey David,
What we focus on seems to show up in our lives. If you have a habit of negativity, you might be attracting negative events, or just as likely, seeing potentially positive things in a negative light thus destroying happiness. Nobody can help you but you. If you really want things to change you will have to make the effort and learn that good things don’t come easy. This is a choice, your choice. If you choose to improve things, I would suggest baby steps. Break big ideas and goals down into smaller, more manageable steps. Set achievable short term objectives and put deadlines on accomplishing them. Make it easy for yourself. Good luck!
ChrisParticipantHi Robino,
One of the greatest gifts you can offer is your presence, especially to people who are lonely or who often don’t get treated well. When in a store, I make an extra effort to brighten up the cashier’s day. If somebody performs a simple service for me I give my genuine thanks and show my appreciation and respect for their work. When I see a homeless person, if I am not able to offer help I would at least look them in the eyes and smile or take a moment to talk and offer some companionship. Perhaps for you, taking time with the elderly and simply offering them your company would time well spent. You are a gift in this world. Share it!! 🙂
ChrisParticipantYea!!! Glad you spoke your mind and heart, and super glad for you both that you’ve cleared up a misunderstanding. I hope your relationship is better as a result. 🙂
ChrisParticipantHolly,
I agree with Inky. Something is definitely not right. Stand up and assert yourself. Your feelings are valid and you aren’t being treated with respect. If he truly values the relationship and your feelings, he will do whats necessary, if not….
ChrisParticipantHolly,
When I read this, I got the impression that you are blaming yourself in part for the way you feel. I hope I am wrong. You should not feel bad about having negative emotions. You should trust your feelings. When we suffer because of another person’s actions, one of the hardest things to do is ask that person for help. It takes a certain courage to do this. But this is how I would proceed. I would tell him that you still suffer and ask for his help in understanding. Do this from a place of love and compassion for both him and for yourself. You deserve to feel completely included in his life and loved. My best to you both 🙂
ChrisParticipantHi Moriah,
Most men have intense sexual urges and desires that have absolutely nothing to do with intimacy, love or romance. Most often, societal and relationship “rules” cause these feelings to become suppressed. They build up over time and cause an internal rift that results in feelings of intense frustration, confusion and loneliness. It’s an extremely isolating experience, because he obviously loves you, but his internal mechanisms are in deep conflict with the conditions of your relationship and he hasn’t felt its ok to talk about it. He allowed this side to surface and it caused you pain because you think of sexuality in terms of intimacy and love, and you were unaware of this part of him. He has no love for anybody else. He obviously loves you and values your relationship, but internally he seeks novelty that has nothing to do with love. He likely feels guilty, embarrassed and incredibly ashamed because his internal experience does not match what is expected of him. I’m not suggesting that his behaviors are acceptable, but I’m offering you a different perspective so you might understand better. I agree with Jade, you guys need to learn to talk openly about these things. There is a can of worms there, but if you both learn more open communication, you just might develop a new level of intimacy, trust and understanding in your relationship. My best to you both.
ChrisParticipantHi Mia,
Wish I could offer a “remedy” for the way you are feeling, but I can’t. Just know there are other people in this world who have been thru what you are experiencing and who have gotten past it. Some of those people have you in their thoughts and feel your pain. Things will get better. You may not feel that way now, but things will improve. Focus on the goal of what you want to become and how you want to feel about yourself as much as you can. It’s difficult, but just know you are not alone. Hugs.
ChrisParticipantHi Helen,
I know what the feeling of ” my heart is being crushed and ripped out of my cage” is like. Not fun. It will pass. You will heal in time. Nothing is permanent. It may not seem like it now, but your heart and body will heal. You will become stronger and wiser in the future. Hang in there.
ChrisParticipantThanks again for responding. My thoughts are this;
Koala-I’m not sure forgiveness will happen, but I am not closed to the idea. I’ll explain below.
Inky-Yes, she will likely repeat these actions again and only invite more suffering into the world, but I would hope not. I’ve already warned a next likely ‘victim”. And I’ve completely removed her from my life.
Trump-You hit the nail on the head. I loved the woman I thought she was, not her true self. This in part because her true nature was not revealed to me by her own cunning behaviors. I suppose that we never really get to see the true reality of others unless they offer it to us, and even still we only see our perception of that reality. I can’t imagine having to live with her in my life as you do. I’ll offer my thoughts on healing below.
Vhanon-You are correct. It is grief and emptiness that has troubled my soul. There was a time when I would try to engage in things that nurtured me such as writing music or home projects, and this is when I simply fell apart. I was powerless and overcome by sadness and anger. That time is slowly fading away.
Kath-Takes one to know one 🙂 Huggs
Steve-My ability to understand has been clouded, but you are right. A frank look at the situation is required so I can move on.What I’ve come to realize is that in an attempt to move ahead with life, I pushed myself into the process of forgiveness but I also suppressed ALL the memories of the relationship as best I could because it was too painful to think about it and I just wanted to move forward. I threw away all her possessions, gifts and letters. I deleted all files, pictures and emails. I deleted all memories so I could just move on. I didn’t want to re-live a painful chapter in my life. But in doing so, I suppressed my feelings of that time, both good and bad. This was my error. Trump, you spoke about loving a perception of somebody. This resonates so well with me. Looking back, I could not understand why I loved this person. This is because I tried to destroy all memory. During the past few days I’ve invited myself to recall everything, to re-live the experiences and emotions from a more objective point of view. I’m realizing this. Forgiveness is not the answer. To forgive is slightly arrogant. It implys that I am right and the other is wrong. How can I be right if I can only perceive part of reality? Not forgiveness. Love is the answer. For me, I just need to love myself and appreciate myself and each moment in this life more deeply. I need to look back an re-experience not only the painful memories, but the good moments and sit with them in with my being and find peace. It will all heal in time. Thanks to you all for your help. 🙂 I’m grateful.
ChrisParticipantHey Chris,
Dealing with the hurt and confusion of divorce, especially under your circumstances, is tough. I don’t think we ever fully heal from such things. I don’t think you should expect to be as you once were again. The question that comes to mind when I read this is; Are you hesitating to fully love and commit to her because of fear? It’s very difficult to love in the aftermath of divorce and infidelity. It is an act of supreme courage. “Love is the prerogative of the brave”
You’ve been hurt, your dreams have been taken away. It is a horrible experience. To put yourself in a position where this can happen again is scary. But what is the alternative? To live life closed and guarded? Trust in yourself my friend. Trust in love. You may fall a thousand times. You may be hurt again and again. But you will never be broken. Only you know if it can work with her. Just don’t let the fear of future pain stop you from giving her the gift of your love and devotion.
I wish you well. 🙂
ChrisParticipantMy deepest thanks to all who offered your perspectives. I will meditate on each reply so I can understand myself and this difficult situation better. I’m very grateful to each of you for responding. Thanks. 🙂
ChrisParticipantHey Darlene – I moved away from my nicotine addiction 19 years ago. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve done in my life. I know it’s harder for some of us than for others. I don’t think there is any easy way. For me it was a matter of determining that I would do it, or literally die trying. That’s the level of resources it took. I did three things. First, was to use the patch system to stop smoking and deal with my nicotine addiction separately. It was harder coming off the patch than to stop cigarettes. Second was to use a visualization technique. I imagined myself on a beach standing in the surf. The waves were the cravings. All I had to do is stand in the surf and withstand the waves. Eventually the tide would go out, and it did. Third was to give myself healthy gifts. I began to exercise more, enjoy foods more and take pride in the way I felt. Do you know that if you go 5 years without smoking and don’t contract a smoking related illness, your odds of getting one are nearly the same as if you never smoked at all! Even if you’ve smoked 40 years! You may have tried all this, or may not have. In any case, what you are doing is literally a life and death choice. It is very difficult. My best wishes to you.
ChrisParticipantHey Alexandria – You invested your time and energy in a relationship that was not healthy for you. You wanted to see the good in him and you overlooked the not so good. It happens to the best of us. We can never control what our partner desires or how they behave. We can only control our own actions. You were hurt by him because he chose another person. This is extremely painful to most of us. The jealousy comes from a sense of loss. You lost a person who you loved and invested time in for what ever his reasons (or lack of reasons) are. If he cheated on you while you were in a committed relationship, its his loss. He has only cheated himself on his own personal integrity. There will always be somebody more pretty or more exciting. There will always be a guy more charming or handsome. When we enter a healthy relationship, we realize that the love that two people share is far more beautiful and lasting than looks or personality. These things are temporary. Unless he changes radically, this will happen again and again. So really, you have lost nothing. You have nothing to be jealous of. As for the prom dress, let it go 🙂 Peace
ChrisParticipantHey Amanda- I just loved reading this from you “Right now i love life, and am thankful for everything i have even though i do not have all the expensive toys , or brand named clothing etc. I am just a simple young lady who is interested in what is going on with the world , wanting to change the problems we face in today’s society from politics, culture and religion.” It made me smile to see a young person with such a perspective.
Only you know what is the right path for you. But I can offer this. I went back to school at the age of 26 and eventually continued on to achieve my doctorate. It cost a LOT of money. Much of this I had to borrow. My degree is one that offers me opportunities to make money and I was able to pay my loans in short order. I’ve also seen a lot of people spend a lot on education and have no opportunities to make the necessary money to justify it. It’s great if you are independently wealthy, but not very practical.
So I would consider the options that study may afford you and base your decision on this.
Peace 🙂
ChrisParticipantHi Misha. I was in a long distance relationship that was toxic and ended very badly. It was not a pleasant experience. Now I am in a healthy long distance (10,000 miles) relationship with a wonderful woman. From time to time I get freaked out too. I know how you feel. Old memories and experiences crop up because the circumstances are similar. But that’s just it, the circumstances are similar not the person you are with. When I feel insecure I just talk with her about it. I tell her how I feel and why. We talk openly about the challenges of distance and time. We’ve help each other get thru the difficult feelings. Perhaps an open dialog with your man would help. Give him a chance to re-assure and love you. Good luck on exams. 🙂
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 