I agree. Forgiveness is an optional and noble act. Your feelings are immediate and a primal reaction. Do you have regrets for sending the letter? Do you think that will give her license to repeat her actions? (Clue: She would anyway.) View her as an enigmatic yet dangerous wild animal. Like a cobra. Leave her alone. Back away slowly. Warn others heading in the snake’s direction.

Hi Chris,

The grief and the sense of emptiness you felt was due to the fact you’ve lost something. You lost her, your health, and the moral freedom to engage in a new relationship as once you used to. That’s a loss, that’s hard to bear. In the attempt to put something in its place, you find her as the culprit and maybe think that revenge may make up for it. Unfortunately nothing can give you back what you lost, her pain will not make you feel better in the end. You may claim that justice have been made, but things won’t be back as once they were. Moreover, she suffered already as well, after all she lost you and she found out another time that her illness is going to make her be cast away.

It is not forgiveness your problem, you already forgave her and renounced to act in revenge. What you need is filling up that void left by things you lost. You need to take care of yourself and find something new to do in life, something you can be again proud of, something that makes your life fulfilled. It may be easier said than done right now, but you may start by granting yourself some gifts, an holiday, something you ever wished to do. It is time to give yourself a redound and maybe a prize for forgiving her. Imagine you had the choice to trade your health for something else, what that something else would be?

Hi Chris,

I would go in another direction.
I believe it’s important to “understand” her…even if you don’t “condone” her actions.
At the moment you are angry because you can’t understand how she could have done the things she did.
Once you have the understandings, peace and finalisation should follow.

The first thing to understand is that people only make decisions that THEY think are correct. We can’t make an incorrect decision for ourselves…based on what we are thinking and how we feel at the time of the decision. Therefore, try and consider what beliefs she must have had to do the things she did. You will probably find those beliefs quite contrary to yours…but she had them none the less. Most probably, she has had those beliefs ingrained in her for a very long time…as we all do. How they were obtained is a whole other discussion and we may never know, in this case.

Once you UNDERSTAND why she made the decisions she did, accept that they were based on beliefs contrary to yours and make a firm decision to accept that fact. Who are we to judge how someone else adopted particular beliefs…it could have been childhood experiences, teachers, her peers, books she read…and the list goes on.

Now is the time to accept our differences and move on with your journey. As the old saying goes….holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Hello Chris,

I understand you still feel angry and want to rid yourself of every aspect of the relationship. And perhaps you are not ready to accept the fact that forgiveness has nothing to do with anyone else, but everything to do with you…But I believe this is the truth…Can you see that the only person who is being hurt by your anger and pain is you? For years I carried around the pain and hurt from an abusive relationship not realizing that I was only hurting myself. Understanding that someone else’s behavior is their behavior and nothing to do with me helped, as did realizing that in letting go of my pain I set myself free…Maybe you will want to consider this idea…

Love and peace,

Marilyn

Well, I can tell you forgiveness isn’t a good thing now. I forgave. I started seeing another woman. And wouldn’t you know over the holidays I get a text from the ex who just wanted to talk to clear the air between us. Remember we work together, so I said when I get back from the holidays we would see. She came over, we talked, she apologized profusely. She had left her husband again and wanted back in my life.

She also wants desperately to have a Kundalini Awakening and was saying her libido was diminishing dramatically. Well it didn’t that night nor over the next couple weeks. She did say to keep dating the other woman, but she also proceeded to monopolize my time. I gave presents, helped with issues, the normal and beyond friend stuff. I could tell her “Enlightenment” wouldn’t happen rapidly. While she appeared to have made progress with valuing others, her sense of self and divestment of ego was no where near what I’ve seen in friends who have meditated for years and still don’t consider themselves “Enlightened.”

I forgave. I had patience that she would see. In spending so much time with her, I ruined the relationship with the other woman at a critical time in her life for which I feel great remorse. But bad for me or not, I loved this first person. This woman I forgave then started telling me she needed space and to be selfish for a while while she found herself. I stepped back. I answered texts and visited once or twice at her request. I then was told I caused too much drama and she was out and wanted to see other people. The drama was that I was upset when she pushed me away farther like what she had apologized for the first time. It was a normal reaction. The drama was hers. The apology was insincere at best.

Now from this forgiveness I am now responsible for causing great havoc in my life, my ex-wife’s life, and this other woman I left to be back with the first woman. The first woman has left her ex-husband again creating havoc in his life I’m sure and is looking to see other people to try to find something she’s looking for. I strongly suspect from everything that was said and how it happened she is sick with Borderline Personality Disorder. I know it’s recognized as an illness. I know I should forgive, and I guess some part of me does. But in forgiving her and giving her another chance to be a decent human being and in my weakness for her, I have caused pain to others extending the cycle. I take blame for my weakness. I do wish she had respected that other relationship. I do wish I had had the strength to say no to what I thought I loved. I am working to forgive myself. I am working to move on. I’m not sure I can forgive because when I forgive it means I forget and move on. If you forget when you forgive, maybe forgiveness isn’t a good thing.

Some of us need to hold on to the past to avoid repeating mistakes.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 9 months ago by TrumpXII.