November 13, 2014 at 9:09 am #67771HelenParticipant
So, I don’t really know here to start. All I can say is I’m in pain. I’ve had anxiety and depression for a while now, and learnt how to deal with it from time to time. But lately, too many things have been triggering a very deep funk.
Earlier this year, I had a terrible accident, where I broke my right ankle and joint the most complicated way you could. Not to bore you with medical details, but every doctor called it a “severe and complicated” fracture. My then boyfriend was with me when the accident happened, as were some of his friends. He decided to abandon me pretty much and I was brought to the hospital with the ambulance and was there alone for over 24 hours. I had two surgeries within 12 days. Came back home and a few weeks later, my roommate moved out (who has become a very close friend) which was hurtful and the same day I broke up with my bf. Not just because of the accident and how he wasn’t there for me. But because I had slowly but surely realized that I had been in a toxic and manipulative relationship for over a year. I let him manipulate me into thinking that every argument was my fault and that I was clingy and asking too much of him. I know that is not true, he has even admitted that himself, but as I was a very insecure person before, it made me even more insecure, knowing that someone could have such an influence on me.
After our break-up I had good and bad days, or weeks. I felt relief, anger, depression, hope… All the emotions you could think of. But I am better off without him, and I know one day I will find someone who will appreciate my good heart.
Anyways, after six weeks of walking on crutches with a cast on my foot, I went to a check up. The specialist then told me: you have to have another surgery and it all will start over. Let’s make it short and say: my foot is still not perfectly well. I’ve spent the majority of this year on crutches, in pain, in agony, in anxious mind and hopelessness with glimpses of strength and feeling like: hey, you’ve overcome this, you can do anything! I have become more mindful, realizing that I cannot change my foot, I cannot change the fact that it will never be the same. But I can do whatever is in my power to get better.
And last but not least, I had a short “friends with benefits” situation with a friend of mine. The attraction between us has been hot and cold (more hot) ever since we’ve known each other. We met two years ago. So finally we were both single so I proposed we finally act on our attraction. Which we did… And it was great. I’ve never experienced intimacy like this. Feeling like I can let go and trusting him. Well, a week ago he ended it because he’s scared of meeting someone else and dating them and by that hurting me. (He’s a good guy, really really good guy). So before even anything happened, he wanted to protect me from getting hurt. But I am hurting. I miss him. Maybe I just miss having someone there, maybe I miss HIM. He’s reliable, gentle, funny, sensitive – the complete package I guess. But he is 10 years older and we both said we don’t want a relationship. But I don’t know if that’s true anymore. Can anyone tell me how to really find out if you love someone?
The last few days I’ve been very depressed (I am currently on medication but not in therapy, but I’ve reached out to a therapist). I can’t seem to turn off my mind when I go to bed. I fall asleep very late and get up late. Of course, all year since April I couldn’t work because my doctors said I need to recover fully. Now I’m currently looking for a job, which is also very stressful.
Anyways, my dear tinybuddha people… If you have any wise words, please reply. I feel really lost. I’m not ‘suicidal’ per se, but I’ve had moments where I feel like my heart is being crushed and ripped out of my cage… And I just want the pain to stop.
HelenNovember 13, 2014 at 12:38 pm #67778MonicaParticipant
Hi Helen, I too have had a terrible year this year. My personal belief is it is because the planets are aligned in a way that rubs us the wrong way. It would take me a year to describe all the things that have happened to me this year but in a very small nutshell. I was a stay at home mom with everything I needed in life, my spouse left me at our home with all 5 of my kids, no car, no money for another woman. I had to ask my kids 2 fathers (the spouse that left me is the father of the younger 2) to keep them till i could get on my feet. well i never got on my feet, I lost our home and had to live in a van, I had to move 2 hrs away just for somewhere to stay that was warm bc I don’t have any other family than my 5 boys. I don’t get to see my older 3 boys that often, and the ex that left me sued me for full custody and was awarded it so im missing my 2 little ones growing up, but his new wife (she was staying with us bc she was practically homeless with her kids, and he ran off with her and married her 3 months later)is getting to mother my babies. You would think by now I would have gone completely crazy but I keep myself together with hope and patience. When I wake up the first thing I tell myself is “things could be much worse, and to remember not to forget when I get upset that I’m in complete control of my response to hurt and pain.” I choose to accept that it hurt, yes it stinks and its not what I want, but my will to make it through this tough time is stronger than my will to let myself kick and scream and fight for whatever it is that I want or that I think is right. (I have found out more this year that if I get upset about things that dont turn out the way i want them to,then thats when I get hurt so bad emotionally.) So as hard as it is I let go of what my expectations, and my desires, and my assumptions (I do so by whenever I feel an upset mood coming on because i have been let down, I close my eyes and imagine my emotion as a small red ball, and i imagine my body and mind together are this strong massive mighty wave and I simply imagine my mind and body forming this wave to just escort the red ball over the wave and then at the end of my toes I imagine it just coast off into space) I guess like a mental alarm system from letting the hurt penetrate me. I have never delt with emotions well. I am usually the first person to ball up on the floor and drownd in tears but with the encouragment of the tinybuddha words and a little mind preperation I have tools to help me get through a lot. My encouragment to you would be to dress up really nice (so you feel amazing) and either go out on the town one night and have a blast (taking so many pictures) then post them on a social media site your gentalman friend goes onto, and see if he says anything about it. If he does then that means he really is interested in you, or go somewhere u know he’s going to be and do the same but don’t include him. Just have the time of your life and let him see how fun you are. 1 of 2 things will happen, he will fall for the “hard to get game” which guys love btw, or you might just meet someone else that does it for youmore (the total package) then you will look back and ask yourself “self what was I thinking?”. I know i rambled on but I hope this helped you some! good luck doll!November 13, 2014 at 12:47 pm #67780VhanonParticipant
I understand that at this point the world looks very gloomy. However, few people are lucky enough to have everything they want, others have to fight for it. I understand you feel you have an handicap now and it is quite hard to think you’ll need to restart everything all over. However, many people restart it all over when they experience a loss. It is an hard time, a time of change, a time to find new routine, a time of fear that things may not work out in the end. But do you remember, how was it when you walked the first time on the ground? You did not know what you had, you did not know what was in your power, yet you moved and walked and made more than one step. So, please, look at the world with the eyes of a child, this is you first time once again in your new self. Make your first steps and the others will naturally follow. And this is what a child does: he does not look too much ahead, he does not wonder where those steps will carry him, he just moves and rejoices of his moves. So consider everything you do as a new conquest, as a new victory. Maybe you won’t get everything you ever wanted, but you can still take a lot from life.
You found a caring friend and it is surely something precious, you can rejoice at. Obviously, it is not a committed relationship, you cannot count on him every time you’d like to. Consider this your first step, but do not depend on him. Maybe you can be happy that he decided to stay with you this time, and nothing tells you he may be with you even later after you have made more steps by yourself.
“Can anyone tell me how to really find out if you love someone?”
That depends on what you mean by love. Surely attraction and needs are a component of love. But these things may pass: when you find out you can afford more, because you made more steps on your path, you may find that person no more that attractive or you may not need that person as much as before. In my personal view, you love someone when you remain with him/her even if you can afford more, maybe just because he/she needs you, maybe until you are both ready to part. So the question of love is: if you found someone better than him, and this new person was actually willing to stay with you, who would you stay with? If he had an accident, would you go to a party with your friends or would you stay with him?
Now you are just starting to make your first steps back to life, but you fear things may not go so well, you may think that he is the best man you will ever find. Maybe you could not think that someone better may propose to you one day, so it may be easy for you to think it is love.
Anyway, the pain you feel is due to the fact that you need him now. You love his company and you want more of it. How do you stop such pain? You will need time away from him. So there are two choices you can make.
The first is to tell him your feelings are starting to grow and you are starting to miss him. Since he told you he cannot love you back, you have to protect yourself. You need to stay away. Then you keep active, do something else, surround yourself with many friends, spend time with your family, read, listen to music, write on this forum, do something pleasant to override those memories of him. Having new friends is what works best. Anyway, some need will always remain as long as you don’t find a new boyfriend.
If you are already quite fond of him and you don’t think things may become any worse, you may as well enjoy the time with him as long as it lasts and deal with the pain of loss later (you never know you may have made more steps and be actually in a better position to deal with it). So you may agree to a relationship where you both are free to part any time (maybe with some warning, just to make you ready).
You may also feel in pain because you fear new boyfriends may take advantage of you like your ex boyfriend did. I believe you learned a lot from your previous relationship, you learned what are the signs of toxicity and now you know when it is time to part and move on. If someone accuses you that you are too clingy or demands too much, that’s not the man for you. It does not matter whether you are really clingy or not, you are clingy for him, and you are OK the way you are, there are many more men who may like a girl that always looks for them. So, what you have to have to do is to learn to say farewell, to part when it is time. I understand it is painful and it is a need that suddenly goes unsatisfied, but you found out that becomes worse. So please, when you part from your current friend, consider it as a way to learn to deal with such a loss, and you’ll be stronger for the next relationship.November 13, 2014 at 12:51 pm #67782DeepThinkerParticipant
I’m sorry to hear about your accident. I hope your future surgery and recovery go well. Sometimes we have to go through trials in our lives to find out who the people that sincerely love and care about you really are. This is also an opportunity for you to get to know you better. You should also consider your-self fortune that your injury wasn’t more severe.
I believe you are on the right path getting treatment for your depression. If you are still having repetitive, unpleasant thoughts notify your physician he/she may need to make adjustment to your medication. Talk therapy is good too to sort out your feelings.
In the meantime, do not date or get another FWB situation until your depression has lifted. You need to focus on you and your recovery.November 13, 2014 at 1:59 pm #67789ChrisParticipant
I know what the feeling of ” my heart is being crushed and ripped out of my cage” is like. Not fun. It will pass. You will heal in time. Nothing is permanent. It may not seem like it now, but your heart and body will heal. You will become stronger and wiser in the future. Hang in there.November 13, 2014 at 6:08 pm #67796Gardener1Participant
Hi. I hope the above responses have helped guide you. But when I read your story I repeated this “he’s scared of meeting someone else and dating them and by that hurting me. (He’s a good guy, really really good guy)” read it again to yourself! He is not for you if he is not into you enough to only be with you.
I sensed you have a lot of thoughts racing in your mind and I feel your your situation but from a logical stance we have. Physical accident that us not life threatening, a break up you acted upon, a perusing of a relationship and your Wellbeing affected emotionally.
Life has it’s ups and down and I think there are much worse off scenarios. No one got killed in that accident! I hope you find the support to work on your self esteem and you time before getting into a serious relationship. I myself have had a bad time also but that’s life and it has helped to realise that I can’t blame the world but to work on myself within thus world. I have forgiven those who hurt me and realised me too also makes mistakes.
Counselling will help to talk your your feelings and gain perspective. Well done for speaking up and looking for help, best wishes.November 14, 2014 at 3:00 pm #67843JoanneParticipant
Your post title really struck a chord with me in that I similarly had an extraordinarily difficult year – worst I have ever had. First, I hope you are physically feeling better. I kind of look at this physical accident as a (yes painful) opportunity for you to pause and put yourself first. Your ankle – meaning the part that grounds you to the earth (bare with my jargon) is needing attention – and I do believe aches and pains and circumstances do all happen for reasons. It sounds like you have been insecure with yourself and esteem, this ankle injury is here to re-direct your attention to yourself, your confidence, your self-compassion, and re-establish your foundation. By no means does this justify the pain or the complexities that are coming along with it – but just a time to take care of yourself and no one else. I hope that made sense. Guard your space, say no when you want, and allow yourself to identify the toxic parts in your life and say no to them. It took my a long time, still is, to see that I have the power to get space when I want – it is a true gift.
My year was tainted with two deaths in the family, care-taking for my ex boyfriends father (who died), the breakdown of our 3.5 year relationship, cutting off a lover from the past who I had thought I would end up with WHILE applying for law school and studying for my LSAT. Talk about concentration problems..
There are times when I am angry at god/universe/larger forces for causing this awful situation and hardships, especially when I am trying to pursue my lifelong dream, I am very very very slowly seeing that this may have been all a gift to push me to an edge of strength that I never had before. I sensed the universe’s presence in these circumstances and I hope at some point, you do too, because I can see it in how you describe your situation.
You don’t see it now but you have more strength in you that you don’t see – the fact that you reached out to Tiny Buddha shows how much you want to take care of yourself and are taking care of yourself – this actions will move you forward. Your finding ways to get help and appreciate yourself for doing that. Don’t give up hope – things will get better. Be patient with yourself and the process, this is all temporary.
November 15, 2014 at 5:19 am #67856HelenParticipant
- This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Joanne.
Thank you all so very much for your replies! I will answer you guys more detailed soon.