Dear Anita.

I’m sorry for not responding lately, I tried not to go online because I saw my friends posting any good news about their lives on social media. I am still taking the time to redefine everything in my life and what I want to do in it. Still not much has changed, but I believe I will do well.

Really appreciate you checking on me, Anita. You are such a lovely person I’ve met online. Thank you and Virtual hugs 🙂

Dear TeaK,

if you feel your current job isn’t the ultimate fulfillment of your dreams, you can be aware of that and aspire for something else, but you don’t need to rush and quit your job immediately.

I guess I have to think twice before I quit my job. I always have plan after I quit my job, but once I quit it, I’m too lazy to execute the plan. Probably I need to deal with laziness and procrastination too. I have read a lot about how to deal with laziness and procrastination, but it doesn’t work for me after one week.

Perhaps a part-time job would be an option? It doesn’t have to be a dream job, but just something temporary, that helps you pay for the therapist and allows you enough free time to explore your passions and interest

Yeah, that’s sound a good way too. I’m looking for jobs now, hope I could get a chance to get an interview with the companies. Fingers crossed.

Dear Anita, 

these feelings will return. Maybe you already felt badly between the time that you submitted your recent optimistic post and the time you are reading this post.  When new optimism is met with feeling badly again and again, and yet again, most people lose their optimism and give up, concluding that whatever lessons they thought they learned- those lessons don’t really work in real life, or that they are too weak to actualize those lessons.

Oh my god, these feelings did return to me after the New Year! I believe I was disappointed to myself again because I didn’t execute any of my plan. I feel so awful. But I tried to talk to my inner self, telling myself to relax and it’s okay. It takes time to have a big changes. While I was telling myself, my panic attacked happened at the same time again.

Whenever you feel badly about not living up to your father’s expectations and making it possible for him to retire early, remind yourself that this failure is a consequence of his actions as your father.

I’m worried I will blame my dad for every failure, because no one taught him how to be a father in a right way?  I’m not sure about this, Anita,

 

if you feel significantly less than hate and dead, you are not likely to become overwhelmed and react impulsively to the emotional extremes by, for example, quitting jobs

I guess I have watched too many motivation talks, that’s ask people to quit their jobs if they don’t like it. Haha

Dear seven,

Happy New Year! Thank you for your reply.

Could you share with me how did you persevere and not give up? I give up very easily. Maybe I need a faith that never let me give up on.

Dear Anita & TeaK,

When I read both of yours reply, I cried so hard. It felt like after a long time, someone finally understood me. Thank you for giving me a different perspective on this issue.

Dear Anita,

in a gentle fatherly voice and with a kind look in his eyes, he should have told you something like this: I understand, my precious daughter.

I always thought that if my parents or someone else spoke to me in a gentle voice it would make me weaker or would make me take it for granted to depends on someone. And that my father was right and that he should be strict with me to make me stronger and more independent in life. This also made me never seek help from others; I always tried my best to do everything on my own.

I think that’s why I always choose to run and hide myself when someone criticizes me, and if someone criticizes me, it triggers a panic attack. Every time I meet anyone or a stranger, I have to be constantly on guard in case others will criticize me.

 

because your father presented to you the belief that small things don’t matter and the “bigger things in life” (his words) are all that matter, you believe it yourself, avoiding the small things and wanting the “bigger goals overnight” (your words).

To be honest, I’m not sure about this. All I know is that I always look down on the little things and think they are too boring. It never shows what I can do, but I’m always make mistakes in small things. While looking down on the small things, afraid to do the big things. How should I break this?

Dear TeaK,

My mother brought me up similarly to how her mother brought her up… with lots of criticism and very little empathy. Your father and grandfather sound the same…

I’m sorry to hear you had the same experience and I hope you’ve gone out from it. 🙂

However, it seems your father has only been supportive if you are winning, if you are strong and fearless, if you are not afraid. But he hasn’t been supportive if you are losing, if you feel weak and afraid, if you feel confused and are lacking direction.

Yes! Oh my god, you are right! Whenever I have direction in my life, He supports me. But whenever I lost my way, He didn’t care at all, and He never sat down to talk to me about everything. I guess he just doesn’t know how to show care and love in the right way. I always feel unworthy of love when I’m weak, not successful in life. I’m too afraid to meet my friends, my former colleagues, because I thought I’m too bad in everything.

It would be like an inner cheer-leader, or an inner compassionate parent, who has a lot of empathy and understanding for you, specially when you feel weak and useless. Have you perhaps gotten in touch with that voice too?

Yes, I did get in touch with the gentle voice, after I learn to stop thinking negative thoughts. There’s a small small voice telling me I’m good enough, is okay to fear or fail. I’m glad that it got some improvement.

I’m sorry if I’m expressing this a little messy because I’m not sure what’s wrong to my life and my thoughts are a little bit jumbled. Hope we can piece it all together and figure it out. Thank you all very much indeed for your time, from my bottom of my heart. 

Dear Donna, 

Thank you for your suggestions. I will try to list down what small goals I can achieve for now instead of always thinking of achieving bigger goals overnight. Because I always think about achieving big goals or finding my passion while also worrying that it will cost me a lot of money when I achieve or go for it. Probably I’m too worried about the uncertainty of the future.

Dear TeaK,

I wonder if the reason for resigning is that you don’t feel good enough in what you’re doing – which causes you stress and panic attacks – rather than the lack of spark? Or maybe it’s the lack of spark that causes you to underperform, which then causes you to feel not good enough?

You have asked a very good question. I seriously never thought about that. I think I like to being creative to think about design concept but the design process I don’t like it. For example: I like to stir-fry the food but I hate chopping or cutting the meat. I love a small part of it and hate most of it. I guess I was naive to think I could find a job that I liked it all.

My parents are always supportive for everything I want to do in my life. That’s why I really appreciate them and want to help them to retired earlier. Because I was among the many children, I was the best academically, in terms of overall performance. So my dad has highly expectations on me. But my dad did always criticised me when I didn’t do well in anything. When I cried because I was stressed about small things, he would criticised me that why I was being so weak and useless, how could I achieve bigger things in life if I can’t even handle a little stress and small obstacles. I believe he is trying to comfort me and telling me it is okay, not a big deal.

Your desire to provide for your family so they can retire, and at the same time chase your passion might be somewhat of a contradiction in itself.

I understand that. I guess I don’t want to sacrifice any of it? I know that is hard to balance or have everything in the same time.  Maybe I should learn how to let it go.

Dear Anita,

Fast forward, you did not succeed in giving your parents a better life, so your own life is still on hold. Did I understand correctly?

I think you got it on point.  I’m keep thinking should I earn money for my parents first? Or I should try and find my passion? But If I work the job I hate it just for money, I will feel my life is dead. At the same time, If I go to find my passion, I will think that I’m too selfish and not thinking about how hard my parents are. As my therapist told me is okay to try and error.  But what if I will probably end up broke without any working experience and let my parents down. That’s why my life is still on hold. I don’t have courage to make a move.

Dear Donna,

I have already gotten the biggest help from you, Donna, that you are here to listen and reply me. Really appreciate for taking your time to read my problems.

“According to my family I just need to be content with mundane living and not look for passion.”

That’s what my family and friends told me too! I’m really upset and frustrated when I heard this. I’m totally feel for you, Donna. That’s why I don’t want to be like them, living a mundane life for this lifetime.

I guess the most common cause of my weakening interest is I don’t feel like achieving anything instantly? and of course, money wise too.

Hello Donna,

Thank you for your warm reply.

1. I couldn’t remember what brought me joy in the good times. Maybe family and friends being there to support me? But they are just tired to listen my problems and dreams now. They always changed the conversation of topic every time when I talked about that or ignore me. So I have been keeping everything to myself when I noticed their reactions towards me. I totally understand why they are doing this to me. As I always change my dreams and yet, I don’t take any actions for that. I like to see nice design and buildings but doesn’t like to work as a designer. Just like I like to eat, but don’t enjoy cooking.

2.  I used to enjoy watching tv series and movies, but I recently I don’t find any interested in that anymore. I feel like I watch tv is a moment just to escape from the reality or escape the problems I should face in my life. I have lost my motivation and I’m not interested in anything anymore. Not even food, clothes, money.

3. My therapist was the one I could talked to. Unfortunately, it is too expensive to continue and it didn’t help much.

4. I have been trying out a lot of things lately like programming, cooking, web design, do business, etc. But I lost my passion in them too quickly like just in a week.