Dear Anita.

I’m very sorry for not responding to you for a while.
At my work, we had a sad tragic death.  Mother was our co-worker to be this month.  Her 15 years old daughter ended her life.  I had to support who was the first response team.  One of the gu was junior FF (FireFighter) and he was there at there and he mentally crashed.  The first time has seen the dead body and also she was his younger sister’s age.  It was on the evening news and lots of media came over and we had to deal with it.

I completely shut down my PC and phone for a week.  I did not want to deal with anything except work-related.
I’m sorry I could not let you know about this earlier.

Except for this tragic incident, I’ve been doing okay.  I was so busy and had no time to think about it.
I checked my email today and I had an email from ex.  He said, he is coming to my town and asking about my schedule.
I called him today and chat a while.  We were okay with each other.
He said he was coming this way but did not say what he wants or what reason so I asked him about his winter tire.
He said yes, would like to pick it up…. but I told him that I do not want him to come to my house.  So, I said I will figure it out and let you know.  I did not give him any quick answer and he was okay.  I was concerned about my dog who loves my ex.  She is doing okay without seeing him nowadays so I want to keep my distance.  He understood and he said better the way.
Also, he asked me about my winter pajama and boots which I may need to have.  I did not care but I thanked his concern about it.  Asked him, Do you want me to pick up all my belongings, I asked him then he said NO…

Does he want to play the game again or keep my belongings and control me?

Anything he said during our conversation, I was so relaxed and thinking processing each of his words.
I think I could ask him for all my belongings return but I will wait for a while.
Since practicing not jumping to conclusions, processing…. It works for me.  I could deal with him without any fears.
I have my new therapist appointment Tuesday morning.  I will let you know how it works.

Long week and I just need to relax for an extra few more days.

I will message you again tomorrow.
Thank you for thinking of me and sorry for the delay in my response.

Dear Anita.

Hope you still have power.

You are so kind and an amazing!  What are you?  I wish I have you next by me.  I wish I have a friend like you.  Listen me, cheer me up and teach me., etc.

No one knows except him though why he is talking nicely via email but stubbing me my back?
I did not say anything so he doesn’t know I have change my mind our reconcile relationship but if he doesn’t want to, why he did not say so?
His last reply said “It’s hard to realize how things bring us to certain places. I see you reaching out and I’m not avoiding you but will call you when the time is right. Ok? “.
Am I wrong this meaning as he doesn’t want to reconcile our relationship?  If so, why he says will call you when the time is right….
If, only if I still wanted to reconcile our relationship, I have to wait until he contact me then he dump me, broken my heart again? He wants to give me a huge damage?
I have very hard time to understand “gray” answer from anyone.

I just wanted to understand what he wants from me?  If he wants to me disappered from him, give me back my belonginigs and tell me whatever he wants to say, I will be gone.
I feel like he is playing with my feeling and controlling me whatever he wants to do now.

Another reason, I do not say anthing to him.
He could complete ignore me or block me then I could not have my belonginigs.  Or He may say he doesn’t have vinyl.  Of course, I cannot visit his house without permission.
Yes, I’m very chicken but I do not make him upset.  Emotionally, I cannot take it and also, I’m afraid of he won’t return my vinyl. It’s possible…

All my fault.  I choose him into my life.  Since his family member told me the story, I should disappeard, I have problems, no one loves me…. I cannot remove negative words from my heads.  I won’t hurt myself but I’m at the edge of the cliff now.

Dear Anita

Thank you again for your message and thank you for sharing your free time with me.
I’m processing, thinking, and accepting the fact.
Same time, I found an unused container and packed all his clothes in the box, and took it to the basement, next to his 4 tires.

I want to talk more but I feel empty and hurt inside me.
Sorry, but I will close tonight.
Thank you again for your time and support every day.

Dear, Anita.

I was thinking about and processing your email.  I cannot do it and I wish I can do so.

I have a mental, and emotional breakdown now.

I received a phone call from his family member.  His family is very close to each other and one of his nieces and I became really good friends.  Since our breakup, she called me often but I did not answer her calls.  Not against her but did not feel like it.
She text me a few times and she wants to talk.  She did not say anything about our breakup issue.
This morning, I finally answer her calls which I regret but too late.
She told me what he said about me (through from his mother to other family member).  Also she was with his friends and his friend told me the another story of me too.

I told them I do not have any comment and thank you for calling me.
But if you want to talk about our relationship, please do not bother to call me.  I do not share my relationship with anyone.
Then I hung up.

It gave me final stub into my heart.
If this happen was before I started to take therapy, I would call him or send him text with my anger.
But, I took time to process what he said about me. Actually, I’m still processing.
I won’t hurt myself but made me think I wanted to disappeard from this life.
I was not a good person but I was not evil.  I’ve never say bad about him or pick on him.
I was selfish, but I’ve never vervlly harassing him.

I do not understand.  If he hate me or not reconcile our relationship with me why  he finish it?
pity me?

I thought I’m okay if his family member or his friends said about me because they are nothing to me.  but I was not okay.
Remind me when I was a little, people bully me, ignore me.

I’m so tired and I do not want to wake up for a while until everything is okay.

Sorry for writing negative feeling in this message.

Good morning, Anita
It’s Friday and the weekend is coming.
Anyway, I called him this morning and he did not answer the phone.  I was going to send the text but I decided to wait for a day.
After a while, I received an email from him.
“It’s good to hear that you’re doing well. I didn’t think your situation was causing you so much pain. It’s hard to realize how things bring us to certain places. I see you reaching out and I’m not avoiding you but will call you when the time is right. Ok? Glad you’re doing better.”
I did not understand “your situation was causing you so much pain”, I think he meant to say himself.
So, now I cannot reconnect with him until he contacts me.  I know I could if I want to but if I do, he will be mad at me again.
This is what happened most of the time.  I used to push through it if I wanted to see or do it.  I no longer do this.
But again, I cannot get back my belongings for a while.  It could be a few days, a few weeks, or a few months.
Mentally, I can talk to him if he is normal but I do not want to hear any negative words from him anymore.  I’m broken and I cannot take anymore negative words from him.

I like to hear black/white answer which sometimes is good but sometimes not.
I read this email as he has no interest to reconcile with me so, why did not say it?  Move on, let it go.

I should not think that I cannot control.  So, I will relax during the weekend.
I wish I have a friend who can go out with me.
Thank you again Anita for your warm and kind support every day.
You may not know how much your daily message helps me every day.
If I know where you are, or I can meet you, I would love to give you huge hugs.

Thank you, Anita.

I did not think he was emotionally, or verbally abusive to me until recently. I thought all my fault!
Yes, he doesn’t always say negative words to me but I know I should not reconcile with him.
When I started writing here, I was still not sure and I wanted to reconcile our relationship.
Since taking counseling and making a journal myself, I was thinking is this emotional and verbal abuse?? or my fault?

50% of me said forget about your belongings.  No need to contact him anymore.
50% of me said I should take all my belongings.  Some of them are valuable.  (Original Vinyl – which he may not return these to me though)
I’m thinking that contact him tomorrow night and if I can pick these up, if I still want to pick these up.
I still have time and I will let you know.

I’m so glad to tell you about him.  I was not smart enough to realized it was a type of abuse.
All I though was my fault.

Dear, Anita.

Thank you for your reply.  I sent my mail as I posted before with a little change. The ending is as:

There is no jumping to a happy conclusion to reconcile our relationship and it will take time.  I understand that this isn’t easy and that you need to take time to think about us again. I’m not expecting but a little hope, if you consider reconciling our relationship, contact me.  Start with a cup of coffee and walk to the trail with the puppies.

I will end this letter with a very sincere wish for your happiness, always.

I said if you consider reconciling our relationship, contact me. = he may not want to reconcile our relationship.
If so, I understand it.

I’m writing lots of my feeling these past few days.
Good and bad with our relationship.  What I said to him and what happened.  Why did I say it to him?
Now, I’m not sure what I want to do.
From what he said to me before, I can see he did not care about my feeling nor did he even not like me.

Anyway, I was thinking that I would like to call him and talk to him face to face.
I would like to close completely our relationship.  I realized that he won’t change and not work in our relationship anymore.
He refused me before no counseling.

There are lots of my belonging at his house so, want to pick these up.
He may not answer the phone then, I will send an email and ask him to ship my belongings (which I’m sure he will be upset about.)
I have the belongings but too heavy to ship to his house.  (Truck tires x 6) plus his belongings.
This is not an excuse to see him. He can ship it to me but not drop it off.
My dog is raised with him and she has not seen him often anymore.  She became anxiety, not eat for a while.  I took them to the vet.
She is getting better so, I do not want him to show up at my house and my dog to find him.
I can leave his belongings near nearby my post (I live private road so, no one should take these).

I think my anxiety or negative feeling are attached to him and I need to let them go.
Only a few days since I sent an email to him but writing notes myself, I realized that and I accept that he doesn’t like me as much as I did.  If he said he does, then we are not a match, too different from each other.  I’ve known him a long time (used to work together) but I knew him as a co-worker and I thought I knew him but I did not know him well.

Is this make sense to you?

Good evening Anita.

Thank you for the explanation of NPARR.  I like this.  As you may know, I used to jump to the conclusions and not pause, or address.  This is very good practice for me and using every day.  Thank you!!!

Have a good evening.