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HelcatParticipantHah update on the situation. They suggested that he hospitalise me and tried to coach him to force me into having a mental breakdown. Which didn’t work. Absolute sociopaths.
Also my other dog is in the hospital she went off her food yesterday and had trouble walking today. Again very old. They think she might have diabetes and pancreatitis. High kidney levels, high liver levels, high glucose. They’re doing x-rays to rule out other causes.
If life could stop kicking me in the balls that would be great.
HelcatParticipantI feel like things worked before because we didn’t have a child. Now that we have a child they aren’t working. Sadly, our needs don’t align.
I don’t know what that means for us. Can we find a new way to be together?
I feel like we are co-dependent. I was reading about how to overcome these habits. It suggested to spend more time apart and focus on a support network.
When you think of another person to centre back on yourself.
Focus on self care. Focus on yourself.
Stand up for yourself when treat badly.
HelcatParticipantOh I forgot to add because I’m tired. Perhaps the only thing that is lost at death is self-awareness? Sleep is pretty similar.
HelcatParticipantHi John
That is very kind of you to say! It would be an honour to call you a friend.
I suspected that it was kind of like an autobiography but I didn’t want to assume. I’m sure that the book is great! 😊
I feel like fear is human nature. It can be a warning. But sometimes the system misfires.
I wouldn’t say that I’m not afraid of pain and dying. Sometimes I am and sometimes I’m not. I can cope with quite a bit of pain, but I do become afraid of it at a certain point. And whilst I found peace in one experience, the other I didn’t. What is the difference? One I was alone, one I was scared and didn’t know what was happening, one I was past my limit in pain, one I wasn’t ready to let go. I think that fear in this circumstance is natural.
Hmm your goal reminds me of my own cross to bear. 😂 My goal is to overcome an intrusive thought. Then I will feel like my healing is complete. What if this is an intrusive thought for you too? It is very much like pushing a stone up a hill. My determination to overcome it causes the fear of it.
You are already very wise and have learned many things. What if you are already complete? What if you have already succeeded and all you have to do is stop trying to overcome and just be?
I feel like animals are afraid of pain and dying. Perhaps not all animals, but those that are emotionally complex enough to do so. My dog almost died recently and during a check up he was afraid of the vet that treat him when he was in the hospital. I suspect that he remembers the experience and the emotions he felt. He also suffers from doggy racism after being attacked by specific breeds. Yellow golden retrievers and German shepherds stay away! 😂
The way that I see things is that genetics, memories and actions of a person last past their lifetime. I have never met my husband’s father who passed away but our son reminds him of him. The memories of his father are present in his thoughts and character and he will pass these onto our son.
I was watching a tv show and it had some themes that I found interesting. Love and hate being two sides of the same coin. Humanity being self destructive fighting itself. It supposed that choice is the problem but I disagree. It reminded me of Buddhism. The middle way. People can do bad things out of love and good things out of hatred or even in spite of it. Perhaps the answer is simply practicing restraint and trying our best. It is all that we can hope to do as we don’t see the future, we never really know how something will turn out.
Sorry for rambling. I really enjoy talking with you! I’d love to hear more of your thoughts and learn from you. You have honestly helped me more than you know. 😊
Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Jana
Thank you! Yes, it was nice and relaxing. My husband is American. It reminds him of home to celebrate Thanksgiving.
Since having our son he is very homesick. He wants his family to be there raising his son.
With a child, being an international couple is a significant stressor on the relationship. A relationship breakdown potentially means seeing our child for only half a year each. That is why my husband’s family were scheming to push him to seek sole custody. My husband also has fears given the situation that I would seek sole custody. It is a very emotionally charged situation to be in.
I’m a very straightforward person. I told him that I would be fair and should things end he would get equal custody. But that I still want to give things some more time to see if we can work through things because I recognise that having a new baby is a stressful experience and I think it is unfair to judge the relationship based on very stressful circumstances. A lot of people crumble under stress.
My husband and his family are impulsive people and don’t really think of consequences of their actions. They go with what they feel. So if we have an argument and he feels bad, he hyper-focuses on the negativity instead of looking at the bigger picture and having a more balanced perspective.
He was raised by his family to believe that people will betray him and they are still pushing these ideas on him.
He made the mistake of confiding in them because he felt lonely when I was focused on intensive newborn care. Research shows that, if you talk negatively about your partner it decreases relationship satisfaction especially if the people you talk to also talk negatively about your partner.
You are right, he does have issues with boundaries.
He has been trying to be more emotionally supportive for the past couple of days. We haven’t been arguing. We are just trying to keep things calm and recover.
He is a great father and a good person and a good husband. It is just these communication issues that need to be worked on.
Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Jana
Strange thought, but perhaps the bullying you experienced also contributed in a roundabout positive way, as well as the obvious negative impacts? Please let me know if you find this idea insensitive. I certainly don’t mean any harm by it.
The thought was that you were used to being more of a loner and when you were bullied you didn’t like the experience. You paid attention to it happening in different areas of life not just to you but others as well. You are naturally loving and compassionate. All of this, being a loner, being intelligent and observant, being treat badly by others, being a kind person gave you a very clear sense of right and wrong and you didn’t want to corrupt yourself or treat others badly just to fit in. In a strange way, these experiences contributed to who you are and how you see the world.
It is a blessing that you have had this natural kindness, intelligence and strong sense of morality to guide you throughout your life. And you have done amazingly breaking that generational cycle and learning to communicate and love freely.
I get the sense that in her own unique way that your mother tried to show love even if she wasn’t taught to communicate it clearly. In her own way, she tried her best even if she did make some mistakes because she wasn’t taught how. Would you agree?
I think that you were lucky in that you were intelligent, resources were available to you and you sought help. This help would not have necessarily been available to a previous generation. It is hard to overcome difficulties alone. Intuitively, you realised this and you made considerable effort to search for people who might be able to help you. It was a blessing that you found them.
I don’t think that you were the cause of her guilt. Just the focus. These things are usually a result of lifelong habits and her own difficulties with her own emotional experience.
In my country too, it is a sad case of people not ever being told that they were loved by their parents for the older generations. It slowly being recognised how important positive interactions are to children. Thank goodness for progress. 😊
Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Arie
I didn’t doubt you for a second. You are clearly an excellent and loving mother to immediately support your son when he came out to you. I’m glad to hear that the shock subsided and you feel better now. 😊
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi EvFran
My condolences for your losses in recent years. I’m sorry to hear that you are currently going through that experience again with your uncle.
Regarding your friend. Did he know about the situation with your uncle? Did you talk to him about the doorbell fiasco? If so what did he say? Is this the first time that you have met up in person for a while?
I think that it is an emotionally charged situation because of the difficulties with your uncle. You risked a lot to take that extra time to see your friend. It meant a lot to you.
And he was late and said that he tried to show up but he didn’t think you were in. In a normal situation this would not be a big deal. Two friends living near each other seeing each other regularly. This matters because you put in a lot of effort and even risked not being there for the death of your uncle.
I have a question for you. Would you have risked waiting to leave if your uncle weren’t being so difficult regarding his terminal illness? I don’t mean this question in a bad way. Just that you may have needed a break, something positive to take your mind off of the difficulties. And this experience with your friend was not the positive experience you were hoping for. Instead it was a bit of a let down.
It sounds like you regret waiting for your friend now.
Perhaps the reason that your friend had difficulty looking at you is because he could tell that you were upset. If this was the first meeting in ages. It would be quite awkward.
I would suggest talking to your friend perhaps not now but later on when your emotions have settled. A good friend would be able to empathise with your feelings and your situation and apologise.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi John
Thank you for clarifying.
That sounds like a great book. What a treasure to leave to your family! 😊
Would you say that you share the fear of suffering and death with the character in your book? If so, what scares you about it?
I have a little experience with almost dying. It might be of interest to you.
I drowned in a river and was resuscitated as a teenager. It was very peaceful and I wasn’t afraid.
Knowing how to handle death I believe is important and it is something that isn’t often discussed in western cultures.
I was prepared for drowning due to childhood trauma. I trained myself in breathing techniques used by free divers to survive the trauma. Because I was used to the experience of not breathing, I knew that the best way to survive these experiences is to stay calm. The more scared you are, the more oxygen is used. The trick is to relax and let your body shut down naturally. I actually had a near death experience here. First my mind went dark and quiet. Then there was white everywhere and a sense of peace.
I was happy to have escaped my family situation by then. I was enjoying my life and I was young. I had no goals or dreams. I had achieved all of them by simply escaping and being happy.
I thought that if it is my time, it is my time. If it is not my time, I will be saved. I was with friends that I trusted would try to save me.
Maybe I experienced that trauma, just so I would survive drowning? Who knows?
I came close to dying in my mid 20s also. This time was not peaceful, I was in pain and suffering. I could not walk. I could not stand. I could barely breathe. I was suffering from blood loss. I was scared and I both wanted to die and did not want to die. I was alone. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. The doctors didn’t seem to care enough to even find out. I didn’t trust them, because doctors had previously failed me.
It was at this time I met someone online who inspired me. Someone who cared and was brilliant (who I ended up marrying). For the first time in my life I wanted a future for myself. I had dreams I had yet to achieve. Simple dreams, but dreams nonetheless. I simply wasn’t ready to go. So I fought tooth and nail and hoped for recovery because no one wants to live like that.
Although, the last experience was harder I feel that I grew a lot because of it. I became more understanding of the suffering of others. I learned to value my health. I learned to prioritise what I cared about. I learned how to overcome hardship. I learned to adapt the things I loved to what I could actually achieve. The experience helped me to mature, without it I’m sure that I would not be as good a mother.
I have had a couple of friends in their 70s. I have seen them struggle with health issues. Seen the near death experiences. Seen them slowly die. At a certain point when someone slowly dies they are no longer afraid of death. There are things worse than death (loss of function and pain, I would say the former is worse than the latter). But there are also things more important than even that worth staying alive for (love).
There is the benefit that end of life care they start giving out painkillers more freely too.
There is a lesson that is learned. When you get majorly ill you need to get back to your normal routine as quickly as possible. Use painkillers if you have to. It is much harder to regain lost functionality than it is to preserve existing functionality. Use it or lose it as the saying goes. Staying active is the secret to living a good long life.
I think that we all have our obsessions. You are not alone there. 😊
Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantI guess what I really need to do instead of intellectualising everything is sit with my feelings, experience them without hiding from them or delving deeply into them and let them pass. Trying to understand them is meaningless.
HelcatParticipantHi Jana
Thank you for sharing the resources about EFT! I’m definitely going to dig into that. 😊
Your sense of smell is fascinating to me as someone with a very bad sense of smell. I remember dating someone with a good sense of smell and I accidentally picked up their flatmates hoodie because it was the same as mine. My ex could tell that his flatmate was wearing the wrong hoodie because it smelled of me. I remember reading about super smellers and super tasters (people with extraordinary sensory abilities) after that experience. You sound like you have this ability too!
Regarding absorbing other people’s emotions. I believe that everyone has the inherent ability to do that. As babies it is relied upon heavily. My son can tell when I’m upset when he’s not even looking at me and haven’t said anything.
People learn to not rely on this skill and turn their attention to other things. Like you, I struggled with it myself in the past absorbing other people’s feelings. I learned to ground in myself more. Pay more attention to the way that I feel and care less about paying attention to someone else’s emotional state. There are more practical ways to help.
Instead of focusing on how he feels try focusing on the communication and ask him what he needs? People are able to communicate what they need quite well and that will be as helpful to him. Showing empathy by communicating that you understand how he feels and validating it is often helpful too. Of course, if you feel unsettled when he seems upset, (sometimes I worry that my partner is upset at me in situations like this) take care of yourself too! What do you need in that situation?
I can understand your mother’s concerns. Being premature can affect development. But it doesn’t truly matter because you are perfect the way you are. Mothers often blame themselves for things like this though. I think that she just wishes that you had an easier life. Not that you would be a different person. She just doesn’t like to see you suffer and blames herself. Imagining this situation for her is like imagining a life for you with no difficulties. A life where she doesn’t have to feel guilty anymore about not being able to bring you to term and feeling responsible for your health. It also removes stress for her about any potential concerns about your upbringing. She is both blaming herself and trying not to blame herself and trying to blame you in the confusion of trying to reassure herself. The long and the short of it is that she is not as self aware and understanding as you are. Though I’m sure she tries her best. I can tell how much you both love each other.
The truth is that we all have difficulties. Every single one of us.
You are truly an incredible person Jana! It was obvious from the first message you wrote. You have put a lot of effort into growing as a person and healing yourself. ❤️
Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi John
Thank you. 🙏
A salient point you made as usual! 😊
I think that I finally understand that because of the difficulties with my partner.
I feel like a sentient lump of meat trying to make sense of the world tonight. The more I think about it. The more is added. Perhaps instead it is best to just let it be.
I look at my son and despite the difficulties with my husband he is happy and healthy. Sure, he doesn’t like an argument. That is a stress for him, but he quickly moves on.
When I was a child, despite my difficulties I still found joy in the world. I found my escapes. Chess, friends, learning, reading beautiful stories, watching stories on tv. My mind didn’t linger on difficulties in the way it does as an adult.
Back to the rules made up by the mind.
Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi John
What does that mean to you? Would you care to elaborate on that?
Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantI’m taking a trip down memory lane and trying to take some notes on schema therapy at the moment.
Modes
Vulnerable Child
Angry Child
Detached Protector
Punitive Parent
Healthy Adult
There are other modes, but these are mine. So the goal of schema therapy is to grow the healthy adult, and heal the other modes reducing their size.
The difficulties with my husband have caused me to relapse in regards to my PTSD. I spent most of my life emotionally numbing in the detached protector mode, avoiding the overwhelming pain that the vulnerable child was in.
Once again, I find myself spending the majority of my time in detached protector mode. It is difficult because caring for a child does not allow you the opportunity to feel your feelings. Or maybe that is an excuse I tell myself?
Punitive parent mode attacks the vulnerable child. Causing an additional layer of pain. At the moment, it is making me feel that maybe my husband is right and it is all my fault, maybe I am not worthy of love.
Unmet needs
Love, safety, feeling valued, self-expression, autonomy, fun, boundaries.
I will have to meet my needs myself. Getting tired, will have to finish this tomorrow.
HelcatParticipantHi Jana
Thanks for checking in with me! You’re a sweetheart. ❤️ How are you doing? I will write more to you soon. I’m still trying to regroup emotionally and it has been very busy.
We were celebrating Thanksgiving, so we had a nice day.
Nothing else new. I don’t think I could take any more drama. 😅
I can’t help but wonder, will we even be together next year? Part of me wishes I had a crystal ball to tell me the answer.
Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 