Hi Anita

I truly appreciate your valuable insights, kindness and empathy! ❤️ I could not agree with you more about all of this.

It was really helpful to me to be reminded that it is not because of me that he is having difficulty sometimes. I think that it could help me to be more understanding of his neurodivergence.

I was only recently made aware of some of the significant gaps in his understanding based on his neurodivergence. I spoke to some of his friends and they told me about what high school and college were like for him. About how he didn’t understand women. He is handsome, outgoing, intelligent and kind. He had quite the following but he had no interest in that type of thing at the time.

I had never really considered the communication difficulties that both of our neurodivergence causes before. Language is often complicated because of multiple definitions of words and the personal interpretations. We both often try and understand things intellectually. I do a lot of studying different things to try and make up for the understanding that I lack naturally.

I remember when I was a teenager I didn’t understand people very well either. I often wished that I could read minds. It was very alien to me how people behaved.

I think that he tries to have empathy but doesn’t understand how I feel. He guesses how I feel and is often incorrect. About this situation he assumed that I felt fear. But actually I felt anger at the disrespect. I trust that he has no intentions  towards her. I was not afraid of that. I think that when things are difficult between us it really matters to me that I am treat with respect.

Another thing that was helpful to me is your insight about him liking to feel good about himself and appreciated. I think because of the difficulties we have been having he is extra hard on himself. I think that he is so hard on himself that it is painful for him and it is easier for him to blame me for his actions.

He does also find my PTSD to be triggering for him. I shut down a lot during disagreements and he has trauma with stonewalling in previous relationships. He confuses a short break to calm down with being ignored for long periods of time.

I am also protective of the effect on the baby and walk away if it gets heated. This upsets him too.

I suspect that there are some feelings tied up with the baby in disagreements for him. It is hard because he has difficulty articulating his feelings sometimes.

I know that he wants us to be a happy family and to communicate well, just like I do. I think that he feels bad for the mistakes he makes.

Since we are already working on rebuilding intimacy, I will work on showing extra appreciation and praising him for the things that he does well.

During disagreements, because of my PTSD when I shut down and get defensive I am not that positive. He has communicated before that he wants me to acknowledge the things that he does well. It is something that I am working on, it is just hard being vulnerable during a disagreement. I cope by numbing my feelings a lot.

Thanks again for everything! 😊

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Anita

It is difficult to say about her character because she has been acting out of character recently. For many years she has endured a difficult marriage. She has been considering an affair for a long time, but I think the execution was poor. So it is a mix of impulsive and not impulsive. I don’t think she is thinking clearly and is having some kind of breakdown. That is unpredictable. I think that she also idolizes my husband a bit. He has helped her out a lot over the years. I don’t trust her that much because of the way she has been acting and I don’t know her very well. Obviously her morals and judgment are in question at the moment.

I do think that you are right about the drama though. It seemed to me that she wanted to gossip more than was afraid of a pregnancy. She was also shocked by her own behaviour.

Yes, I think he was unmoved by the details. But I still find it disrespectful.

You are spot on. It hurts that he doesn’t understand, even when I explain my feelings to him. It makes me feel dismissed and invalidated. Thank you for your kindness and empathy! I hope that things change too.

Some additional context is that my husband is neurodivergent too. I think that this effects both of our communication. I don’t remember if I mentioned it before.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Anita

Thank you for your kind wishes!

Yes, definitely advocate for yourself and have a talk with them about the cloth and the sore tongue. Perhaps you could call and discuss it before the appointment? Would that be reassuring?

I do agree about it being torture. I‘m sorry if it seemed like I was trying to minimize your experience before. I was just trying to be calm about the situation and not add to it. If that makes sense? Truthfully, I think you were very brave tolerating it for as long as you did. I would have panicked immediately.

Three appointments sounds daunting when there have been issues with the initial appointment. I can understand the apprehension.

I’m rooting for you whatever happens!

Things are not going so well for me today on the relationship front. A female friend of my husband was behaving inappropriately with him and he is not being understanding of my feelings about the situation.

Love and best wishes! 🙏❤️

Hi Anita

I’m sorry to hear about your challenging dentist visit and that they hurt your tongue. I think that it makes sense to be scared of something like that.

I’m not usually afraid of the dentist, but I had to get some teeth removed and I had a dentist whose hands were shaking. I walked out and scheduled the procedure with a different dentist.

These things are painful, stressful and it is important for them to be done correctly. Having a long appointment on top of all that is a lot. I wonder if you could bring music or something to distract you for your next appointment? Or were you doing something like that already?

I hope that the next one goes more smoothly!

It is so kind of you to write to people when you have a busy life. ❤️

Thank you for your kind wishes! Agreed, calm is so much better than the alternative.

Today, I found a lost dog and returned it to it’s owner. It made me think of my missing cat. A hopeful part of me thinks that it is good karma. Perhaps she will return? I don’t know. Wishful thinking maybe. I can dream. 😊

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Anita

Thank you for seeing me. ❤️ You make a lot of effort to always be there for people and treat them with kindness and respect. I have a lot to learn from you. 😊

You didn’t have to be there for me, but you chose to anyway. I appreciate that more than you can imagine.

I don’t like talking about people behind their back. Anything I share about him, I share with him. He is a good person, but there have been relationship difficulties since the baby. I think that sleep deprivation makes things worse. It is always around times where the baby is not sleeping and consequently we are not sleeping that things are worse.

You are right about feeling safe being important. I’m glad that since the pregnancy and the baby he has been more open with his feelings. He was very stoic for a large part of our relationship. There is a downside in that I don’t feel like he knows the best way to handle this because sharing is fairly new to him. I used to think that I was the sensitive one and that he wasn’t sensitive. But now I see that we both are and he used to hide or ignore his feelings.

I think that individual therapy is a good place for him to practice these skills. He seems to be picking things up quickly.

I really want communication to improve for the baby as well. Because we don’t have anyone to help us with childcare he is around when we are having disagreements. What an adult can cope with a child cannot and he understands more every day.

The couples counsellor is doing a good job of helping us to come up with strategies to manage this like talking when the baby is asleep.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏